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Monday, March 19, 2007

LiveBlogging 7:00PM - 8:00PM

Good evening, everyone! My name is Wyatt Earp, and - like Fantasy Island's Mr. Rourke - I will be your host for the next hour. So, sit back, have a Fresca, and prepare for another Jack-tastic episode of our favorite program. I'm all Jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

7:00pm - VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. God, I love hearing that! Where do I get one of those blue CTU windbreakers? I'm sorry; did Silver Spoons just verbally beyotch-slap Jack? DEATH BY HANGING!!!

7:04pm - Boris the Blade is a panicky little Russkie, isn't he? I heard less bitching during Hillary Clinton's announcement speech. And I hate to sound blasphemous, but that drone launch looked a tad cheesy.

7:07pm - Milo looks like he needs a visit from Sexual Harassment Panda. Nadia may not smile at work, but does she smile in the boudoir? How funny is it that Chloe becomes the female c**k-blocker even after she's getting some on a regular basis?

7:09pm - General Charlton Heston has everything under control. Uh, never mind. This stealth nuclear drone is proudly brought to you by McDonnell Douglas.

7:10pm - Commercial break. AND THE COMMERCIALS ARE LOUD!!! While we're on a break, may I suggest you vote in this week's Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest? Nadia is cleaning up, so Dina could use a pity vote. And speaking of pity, feel free to stop by B4B contributor RFTR's blog as well. Don't cost nothin'.

7:15pm - Hey, Marilyn is back. Maybe now is the time to tell Jack that he is Josh's father? Of course, the pull-away makes me think Jack is not very Jack-like as of late . . .

7:17pm - YES! YES!! YES!!! AUDREY IS DEAD!!! DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD! WHICH OLD WITCH? THE WICKED WITCH!!! SO LONG, PENIS-NOSE!!!

I'm sorry. I'm having a moment here. I couldn't stand that broad.

7:20pm - Oh goodie, Karen Hayes is back. 24 fans, I give you the heir to Audrey Raines' annoying throne. Can't stand her, either. Curly Bill is about to turn Karen Hayes' forehead into a canoe. I can't wait . . . We're nuking the A-rabs; now what's for lunch?

7:24pm - Commercial break. Let's all do the Safety Dance! Audrey Raines is dead! Does anyone watch the Fox series Bones? It looks REALLY insipid. Yes, insipid. It's a word: look it up! Oh, and Captain Den rules!!! (There, Den, you owe me a cheesesteak.)

7:28pm - Swell. Now Chloe has a Budweiser after-taste. Is anyone getting sick and tired of the Tom and Karen foreplay? It's like watching Hannity and Colmes.

7:30pm - Okay, who called the mole? I gotta admit, I'm getting sick of moles every season as well. CTU has more moles than Cindy Crawford. And while I'm venting, where the hell is Jack? His screen time has been way down the last three weeks. Weak.

7:33pm - Nadia is obviously NOT the mole. They never get it right the first time. In an unrelated matter, here's a picture of Kim Bauer!
7:35pm - Commercial break. Talk about Kim Bauer amongst yourselves. Then discuss how we feel about San Francisco's annihilation. Personally, I don't feel too bad about it . . . but I've been told I am a cynical person.

7:39pm - Karen is going to heal Wayne Palmer. She's going to use her Hippie Force powers. And now she wants to revive Palmer while he's trying to recuperate? They did that already when they tried to revive Roseanne's daughter when militants bombed CTU (Season 2), remember?

7:41pm - Torture time. Does Silver Spoons' torture count on our Kill Counter? See, if Milo said "I believe you, honey" he wouldn't be sleeping alone with his sling for the next few weeks. Idiot.

7:43pm - Who else cheered when they saw Audrey's crime scene photos? It's okay, you can raise your hands. And, lookee, lookee, Jack is back. Remember Jack Bauer . . . THE HERO OF THIS SHOW??? No one wants to watch little Ricky play Jack Bauer. No one.

Of course, a saving grace of Audrey's death is the possibility of seeing Jack hunt down the killers like a dog . . .

7:46pm - Commercial break. Sit back and be force-fed lame Fox show trailers. Or better yet, watch a Florida Tourism commercial. Isn't that the state too dumb to pop out a chad?

7:51pm - Who is this Muslim guy? Oh yeah, it's Fayed, we just haven't seen him in quite some time.

POP! Update that Kill Counter, kids! And POP! again . . . and again. Looks like Jack better bone up on his RPG maneuvers. Thank God he spent his prison time playing Medal of Honor.

Jack, can you land the drone at Cindy Sheehan's house? Okay, how did the bomb NOT detonate? LAME! We almost lost San Francisco. DAMNIT!

7:57pm - The missiles launch in ten minutes . . . Someone notify Marko Ramius. We have a job for him. It involves driving one of our Ohios somewhere near the Persian Gulf.

8:00pm -Next week's episode looks good. Good, but not great, since Uner-bitch Sandra Palmer returns. We'll see.

Thanks, gang! It's been great! I'm out, enjoy The Ramones!

142 comments:

steveegg said...

Fresca? I'll take a New Glarus Spotted Cow instead.

The polls on who this year's mole is are about to close, and Kemper has a commanding lead over Al Bundy, The Token Chick and Russet Potato Face.

Wyatt Earp said...

Stevegg - What do you have against Fresca? It's a fine product. (If the fine people at Fresca wish to sponsor B4B or SYLG, please drop us a line!)

steveegg said...

Never heard of it. Besides, after a long weekend of seeing my bracket blow up and catching up on Season 5 (on disk #6), I need alcohol.

Wyatt Earp said...

Stevegg - Good enough. Frakkin' Wisconsin!!!

bRight & Early said...

How about some jalapeño poppers with cream cheese and a big Dr. Pepper?

Wyatt Earp said...

B&E - That'll do nicely. I actually am posting with sharp cheddar and Triscuits. YUMMY!

Wyatt Earp said...

Wow, I sound like a liberal . . .

steveegg said...

That's what I was screaming yesterday (or at least something like that). I was in full Tony mode after that game.

Looks like I didn't pay attention to the previews. I need to massively revise my kill count guess - bump it up to 8.

steveegg said...

A lieberal would have used brie instead of cheddar.

bRight & Early said...

"Viewer discretion is advised" but never practiced here at B4B!

steveegg said...

According to the majority of NRE readers, this year's mole is...

Kemper

Let's see if Al Bundy was able to fake out Sameer Nagonaworkhere.

steveegg said...

We ARE practicing discretion; we're watching "24", aren't we?

steveegg said...

The answer to, "How do you say dammit in Russian" is...

Damrit.

bRight & Early said...

There are going to be issues between Jack and Spoonie before these 24 hours are over.

USpace said...

yeeehhaaaaaaaaaaa...

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL
.

steveegg said...

Kemper and Token sitting in the tree...until RPT catches them and throws water on it.

Tyler D. said...

now that is a nasty trick.

John said...

is this guy absolutely nuts, or what?

Tyler D. said...

Actually Boeing and Lockheed Martin have versions of those aerial drones. McDonnell Douglas, not so much.

Mark the Pundit said...

Powers Boothe would be the best president ever!

Wyatt Earp said...

Ty - A little poetic license. I apologize.

(Under breath) Techno weenie.

Hard To Swallow said...

It's too bad we won't see him nuke the real culprit...will the president wake up?

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
NEVER use nukes...
.

TC said...

the chick in the green dress in that Intel commercial seriously needs to explore suicide.

steveegg said...

I guess Major Cassidy is ordering a Two-Three Zebra instead of a Two-One Zebra.

John said...

I predict that Vegas is going up in flames.

Tyler D. said...

Did I hear something about Jack shooting Penis nose? Or have I gone completely insane?

bRight & Early said...

Audrey's Dead???

Is this a red herring?

Tyler D. said...

Well never mind on that front. Guess I am nuts.

steveegg said...

Buh-bye, Penis Nose.

steveegg said...

Herring? Whatever gave you that idea, B&E? :-)

The Man said...

So did Audrey stick her nose somewhere it didn't belong?

Wyatt Earp said...

TM - Yeah, in China! They don't have enough room as it is.

The Man said...

Question: How do you do a 'warning shot' with a gawdam nuclear weapon?

steveegg said...

So did Audrey stick her nose somewhere it didn't belong?

You could say that.

steveegg said...

Question: How do you do a 'warning shot' with a gawdam nuclear weapon?

Mid-altitude airburst with a dialed-down B-61.

The Man said...

Audrey Raines in:

Big Nose in Little China

steveegg said...

Egg don't dance, but I'll make an exception.

The Man said...

Looks like another blowout in the Miss B4B contest

Nadia Yassir (68%)
Dina Araz (32%)

bRight & Early said...

How did Jim Jones ever end up on the Palmer ticket?

Wyatt Earp said...

Comment traffic is down this week. Is it just because I'm posting?

Tyler D. said...

Good work Wyatt.

Wyatt Earp said...

B&E - He must have carried Texas.

Tyler D. said...

Work = WORD.

DAMNIT!

Hard To Swallow said...

Audrey mystery, looking for Jack?

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
just NUKE the effers...
.

steveegg said...

Don't think so, Wyatt.

Mole and scapegoat sharing a look again.

steveegg said...

How did Jim Jones ever end up on the Palmer ticket?

Must've been a unity ticket.

There's a breath check I'll take.

The Man said...

Comment traffic is down this week. Is it just because I'm posting?

Absurd thought:
Posting pictures of Kim Bauer may help.

USpace said...

just like U.S. DAs

The Man said...

Cue MOLE music....

Tyler D. said...

MOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

USpace said...

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
YES Kim I want Kim..
.

steveegg said...

Yes; post the runner-up.

USpace said...

ooh the M word...

The Man said...

Did he just say "yeah she's a mooslim"

USpace said...

of course, it's a poor mooslim...

Wyatt Earp said...

Ty - Thanks, chief!

Johnny Park said...

Silver Spoon's got some attitude!

steveegg said...

Now, is the Token the mole a scapegoat?

Money says scapegoat.

Bystander said...

Nadia's still too obvious. She's using Milo's ID. He's setting her up! It's Milo, for crying out loud!!!

Anonymous said...

Let's see if Doyle can torture a fellow CTU agent like that one guy...Bauer.

John said...

San Francisco, not Vegas. Oh well.

steveegg said...

San Fran? PLEASE fail, CTU!

Tyler D. said...

Dear CTU,


The bomb is going to detonate over San Fran. Please do NOTHING until that is complete.


Thanks,

Tyler D.

Mark the Pundit said...

They are going to blow up San Francisco?

I admit to mixed feelings about wanting them to succeed...

The Man said...

They are profiling a registered Republican. Someone should get the GOP to protest.

USpace said...

that Russian guy is a great actor...

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
no bombing tonight...
.

Bystander said...

He's projecting his hostility on Nadia because of her resemblance to Colonel Dearing. You know he hated step-mum, you just know it!

The Man said...

Question: What the hell is wrong with Quinten Taritino?

steveegg said...

Two questions for the bookie:

- Do I lose money if the Token proves to be a scapegoat?
- Do I get a bonus if I call both that and Kemper as the scapegoater?

Bystander said...

You're right, don't bomb San Francisco. That would be a military offensive on foreign soil!

USpace said...

LOL all around...

bRight & Early said...

Doyle is just Jack without the mental control.

The Man said...

Milo Pressman (60%)
Morris O'Brian (20%)
Chloe O'Brian (10%)
Nadia Yassir (10%)
Bill Buchanan (0%)
Mike Doyle (0%)

From Runny Eggs

But there were only 10 votes.

USpace said...

hey...

steveegg said...

They are profiling a registered Republican. Someone should get the GOP to protest.

GOP? PROTEST? Surely you can't be serious.

steveegg said...

'Twas my first poll at that particular version, and I hadn't been posting regularily.

The Man said...

Let's see if Doyle can torture a fellow CTU agent like that one guy...Bauer.

I guess so.

Tyler D. said...

What happened to the nuke and the 4 minute window?

USpace said...

hey, maybe... talk girl

Tyler D. said...

Someone tell Mr. Spoons that Xenu will get him if he hurts Nadia.

The Man said...

DECEASED....

steveegg said...

Torture time. Does Silver Spoons' torture count on our Kill Counter?

Only if it's proportional to silver's price compared to gold.

With all those Chinese love marks, no wonder why Jack hasn't been getting camera time.

The Man said...

What happened to the nuke and the 4 minute window?

Lindsey Lohan is piloting the drone.

USpace said...

whoa...

steveegg said...

Season 7 - Jack serves up BBQ pork to the ChiComs (in reverse order).

Tyler D. said...

Lindsey Lohan is piloting the drone.

So.... he/she is drunk and has crashed his/her $100k Mercedes?

Mark the Pundit said...

What ever happened to the guy with the needles? He needs to make a visit to Nadia...

Greg said...

Jack's been out of a Chinese torture prison for 10 hours. Don't you think someone else could run point? Someone besides Silver Spoons, that is.

The Man said...

You have to look on the bright side Jack! Now you can go kick it with your dead brother's wife!

Wyatt Earp said...

Lindsay Lohan is hot . . . solely because she's a mental case.

The Man said...

Useless Fox5NY 24 Story:

The 24 Masterminds drop info on Jack's daughter Kim...

If I hadn't just bought Guitar Hero II, I would have stayed up for that one...

Anonymous said...

Wonder what happened in Denver? Did Ricky start throwing people off mountain tops?

steveegg said...

You have to look on the bright side Jack! Now you can go kick it with your dead brother's wife!

...again

As long as Nan's house is the perimeter,....

The Man said...

Question: Why the hell would you place your terrorist HQ 3 blocks form CTU?

steveegg said...

One!

steveegg said...

Two!

bRight & Early said...

1 . . .

2 . . .

Tyler D. said...

Lohan is NASTY! You can have it Wyatt!

steveegg said...

Three?

USpace said...

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
wake the president up
.

Anonymous said...

Yes!!!!!! Destroy 'Frisco!!!!!! Fry, 'Frisco, FRY!!!!!! WHOO-HOOO!!!!

The Man said...

That is 3 in a row

6 Points

The Man said...

JAck landed a 727 last season...this should be cake.

steveegg said...

Jack needs Flight Sim practice.

USpace said...

Question: Why the hell would you place your terrorist HQ 3 blocks form CTU?"

yeah no too smart...or right under their noses...it would take too long to dive there within one hour...

Tyler D. said...

Jack must have never played video games. Any 10 year old could have already landed the thing with ZERO problems.

steveegg said...

Drone flambe.

No 3-count.

steveegg said...

We might still lose San Fran. The core is cracked.

Anonymous said...

Worst landing ever

USpace said...

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
need new reason to use nuke

Wyatt Earp said...

Really. Frakkin'. Weak. The thing should have exploded. Hella weak.

steveegg said...

Are we dealing with Polaris missles here? The Trident has the range to hit almost from port.

Bystander said...

Not nuclear fallout. Haven't the people in Frisco been exposed to enough?

Hard To Swallow said...

Next week: KIM

absurd thought -
God of the Universe is
itchin to do some bitchin
.

steveegg said...

The good news is I believe that was Starkist's property that drone landed on.

The Man said...

I guess Jack gets 2 kills (+2 Combo)...until Wing Commander dies off....

Do we give Jack retroactive kills?

USpace said...

air raids over Baghdad right now!

USpace said...

I think they picked off Code Pink picketing Pellosi...

bRight & Early said...

Jim Jones: "Damnit! I said I was going to blow something up. I want to blow something up. I'm going to blow something up!"

Anonymous said...

Starkist, huh? Think Pelosi was there on business?

steveegg said...

If the perp dies as a direct result of a Jack-related trauma, I don't think it matters if it takes a few extra minutes.

steveegg said...

One can only hope.

steveegg said...

Now, what was that about a low comment count, Wyatt?

Wyatt Earp said...

Steveegg - My apologies. Thanks all!

yankz said...

Who gives a shit whether Nadia smiles or not? Has anyone on this show cracked a smile all ceiling? In fact, I'm almost certain Chloe's mouth can't form a smile.

What happened to the Victoria's Secret commercials?

Wyatt Earp said...

Yankz - I think they were scuttled for more Bones previews. That chick is disturbing looking.

bRight & Early said...

Discuss this episode tomorrow morning at 6:00am Eastern time on First Cup Radio

steveegg said...

Wyatt - Not a prob. Old Reliable brought the comment count up.

Yankz - Hook Chloe up to Joker's Smilex gas mask; we'll see if she finally cracks a smile.

Wyatt Earp said...

Yeah, what B&E said . . .

Adam said...

Best. Episode. Of. Season. 6.

Flat-out the best mix of comedy, insanity, drama and violence so far this season. Awesome.

steveegg said...

Best. Episode. Of. Season. 6.

Nah; the best one will be Ricky Stratton assuming room temperature (as long as Kemper doesn't do it).

yankz said...

I have no idea why I typed "ceiling" not "season." Must be the damn sentox I just sniffed.

Adam said...

We had a sweaty Nadia, we had a classic Chloe moment with the kiss, we had the Audrey death revelation, Jack is bleeding internally but STILL killing terrorists AND the White House is being run by the single greatest maniac ever. And Gredenko said "Dammit!"

Awesome episode.

Sally said...

I don't understand what you all have against Audrey! *sniff* I thought the romance thread in seasons 4 and 5 were awesome, so there! Anyway, I don't think she's dead. So there again.

glockspeak said...

hey, san franciso is a lovely place. and audrey isn't dead. you can see right thru that plot. and what the hell happened to charlie logan?? and half the SFPD and FD are gonna die from radiation poisoning now. **rolls eyes** land the damn thing? are they for real? an offshore or even underwater explosion would have rocked! and did Nadia look pissed off or what?! Nice to see some emotion from her for once! **sips redbull** and for the record, liberals eat grilled cheese (american!) sandwiches with french fries (american DAMMIT, I don't believe for minute the damn french had anything to do with those wonderful little fried babies!) and yes, a fresca will do nicely.

Anonymous said...

Dick Cheney has finally shown me why we have all of those nukes. To use them once in a while. And what a better place to start than on a shit-hole that HAS BEEN FUNDING WAHABBI TERRORISM ACROSS THE WORLD AND IS (at least indirectly) RESPONSIBLE FOR KILLING AMERICANS!

Anonymous said...

CTU should have let San Fran go:

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=domesticNews&storyid=2007-03-19T234643Z_01_N19319805_RTRUKOC_0_US-IRAQ-PROTESTS.xml&src=rss&rpc=22

Yeah Him said...

Is it just me or did this whole episode feel like treading water?

I know there is something that probably happened that was earth shattering, but another wasted nuke, lack of enemy involvement (ok, a couple of quick deaths), and a the little mole that wasn't - but maybe she was and audrey's death - even though it was on the commercials.

And by the way, did anyone resolve her dad's alive or dead at the end of last season? I know it's been a while, but I thought he was rumored to be alive too.

Hopefully next week gets better with radioactive fallout in San Fran and dead Wayne.

yankz said...

They explicitly said that Heller is alive last season.

Mr Bob said...

wyatt,
you said "If the fine people at Fresca wish to sponsor B4B"

those fine people are the "Coca-Cola company"...that'd be a pretty darn good score if you could land that sponsorship.

Mr Bob said...

I thought this episode was a little slim on "something"...not sure what. Didn't hold my attention as well as it usually does...
My guess is that Audrey is NOT really dead...Jack will get married, then she'll show up....

anything to take a few more years off of Jack's already broken heart. (aka manipulate the emotions of the viewers!)

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