06:00:00 to 06:15:55
Obi-Wan is hanging out at CTU, where he is understandably not very popular, owing to the whole Tex-Mex gas thing last year that killed Truffle Shuffle. RPF drops by and tells him Jack is still being held prisoners by the Russkis. RPF then says she is "feeling ambivalent," and leaves to go make out with Awana Fuqya.
Well, in my fantasy, that's how the scene played out.
Kemper argues with Ricky Stratton over whether it's a good idea to invade the Russian consulate just to rescue Jack. Ricky tells him, "Liberating Jack is a secondary goal. Mainly, we're in it to impress the chicks. O'Doyle rules!" Kemper calls Ricky a jerk and alludes to something that happened years ago in South Park. Chiggy Killer settles their hash, "It's ultimately up to the vice president. But he'll dig it. He's all about impressing the chicks."
The Russian dude who whacked off Deadmeatsky announces that he is "terminating the American." But Jack whips off his belt and beats him like Bing Crosby. Then, Jack shoots him and escapes through the instrument storage room used by the Russian consulate marching band. Jack hides in a tuba case until the guards leave, then finds a phone and tries to call Al Bundy. He says to Bundy he knows where Whistler and the nukes are, but then Ivana Jackoff cuts off the phone line. So, Jack pisses onto the power junction box and takes out power to the embassy.
Back at CTU, Obi-Wan Logan wants to know if he can help. Now that they know Jack knows where the nukes are, they have an excuse to extract him. Obi-Wan says raiding the consulate is a bad idea. "Got anything better?" Chiggy snarls at him. Obi-Wan does. "Check with my crazy wife. She can get the Russians to help." Seems Mary Todd and Anya Subaru, the wife of the Russian president, are soul sisters.
Then, Al Bundy mouths off to Ricky Stratton. Big mistake. Ricky Stratton grabs Al Bundy by the neck, punches him out, and then bitches out the entire CTU. "I have 25 soldiers about to put their asses on the line. I don't have time for anybody's personality disorder." Then, he adds, "O'Doyle rules!"
Back a the Batcave, Jim Jones asks Weasel Cage to lie about seeing Bashir plant the bomb. Weasel Cage balks at that, so Jim Jones pours him a tall cool glass of Kool-Aid. "Just tell the ambassador that you saw Bashir plant the bomb." Weasel Cage agrees to think about it, and Jim Jones yells, "Oh, Yeah!" and instructs his top aide, Ann Coulter, to tell DOJ that Weasel Cage is cool and had no role in the assassination attempt. "You are one lucky faggot," Ann Coulter tells him.
06:20:22 to 06:26:28
At the boneyard, Sameer Nagonaworkhere, the terrorist, shows up with the bombs. Just to make sure the audience doesn't forget about the terrorists or the nukes.
Chiggy brings Jim Jones up to speed on the plan to invade the consulate. Jim Jones doesn't think either the tactical assault or the getting Obi-Wan's crazy wife to talk to President Subaru will work, but he authorizes both plans because, compared to sending every Muslim in North America to a concentration camp and nuking the hell out of the Middle East, invading the Russian Consulate is no big.
Then, back at wherever Mary Todd Logan is, Red Foreman shows up with a bag of groceries and her favorite magazines... Crazy Ex-First Lady Monthly, Middle-Aged Whackjob Weekly, Deranged Ex-Wife Journal, O... He's also brought TP for her bungalow. Then, Obi-Wan calls, but Mary Todd doesn't want to speak to him. "She doesn't want to talk to you, dumbass," Foreman tells Obi-Wan. "Tell her it's about the Subarus," Obi-Wan replies. "I don't want to talk about any ugly-ass Tribeca!" Mary Todd insists. She gets on the phone with him but quickly loses it. So, Obi-Wan decides he's going to come visit her.
06:31:04 to 06:37:35
Four and a half minutes later, Obi-Wan is airborne. Chiggy reiterates to him that the only way to avoid war with the Russians is for him to get Mary Todd to call Mrs Subaru. The helo soon lands outside her bungalow "You have to call Mrs. Subaru and get the Russian president to surrender Jackoff to CTU, because he was the one who provided the nukes to the terrorists."
"That's funny," Mary Todd says. "Because in Soviet Russia, terrorists provide nukes to you." Then, she agrees to make the call if someone will "fix me a gawdam drink."
Meantime, Jack comes across across a Russian couple we'll call Boris and Natasha making out in the communication room. They think he's already killed a Russki, and they're right they just don't know which one, but it does make Boris more cooperative about fetching Jack a cell phone while Jack holds a gun on Natasha.
06:42:02 to 06:48:52
Ricky Stratton's strike team speeds to the Russian consulate, but their truck hits a banana peel and they're all killed. (j/k)
Meanwhile, Jim Jones meets with the Ambassador from Durka Durkastan. "I have a carrier group ready to rain fiery death on your cities unless you help us find those other nukes before they go off," Jim Jones warns him. Ann Coulter adds that the survivors will be forced to convert to Christianity.
They try to connect Mary Todd to Mrs. Subaru, but Mrs. Subaru is in the middle of giving a speech. So, they have to wait. Mary Todd sits on Red Foreman's lap. "Does it bother you to see me with another man?" "Sure does, crazy lady," Obi-Wan tells her. So, she goes into the kitchen and starts viciously chopping vegetables with a knife and ranting about what an evil man he is.In short, acting just exactly like my brother's first wife, or Martha Stewart when Jane Clayson asked her about her stock deal. Then, Mary Todd stabs Obi-Wan in the shoulder with the knife, which comes as a total shock to anyone who didn't see the previews last week.
06:53:14 to 06:59:59
Obi-Wan is wheeled out of the bungalow and into a waiting ambulance. Mary Todd doesn't see what she did wrong. Lorena Bobbitt offers to explain it to her. Then, CTU puts her through to Mrs Subaru. Mary Todd tells her, "I just killed my husband. You're next." Persuaded by her plea, President Subaru calls the consulate and orders Jackoff to surrender and turn over Jack Bauer unharmed, but Jackoff refuses, explaining, "In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer surrenders you." So, Subaru approves of the incursion into the Russian embassy.
Boris returns with the cell phone, but he is followed by Jackoff's thugs, who come in and start shooting up the place. Jack manages to hold off the entire consulate security force and their Kalishnakovs with a single handgun and a belt. Then, Ricky Stratton leads his teams of chubby red-haired CTU agents to assault the embassy, and soon the sidewalks run red with pink commie blood. Sensing the end is near, Jackoff calls Whistler and tells him he has to launch now. Then, one of the tactical team shoots Jackoff in the gut.
Back at the Boneyard, Sameer Nagonaworkhere announces that the drone is ready for launch and orders the bomb armed.
In the ambulance, Obi-Wan Logan flatlines.