Point: Go Ahead and Jump Me
by Mr. Jaws
I smell blood in the water... or perhaps, creative desperation. Got your skis, Jack? Let's rock!
I began swimming around these waters about the time that little bastard kid of yours showed up. A new kid showin' up is almost a sure sign someone's getting ready to jump me. I still got little chunks of Cousin Oliver lodged in my teeth.
That's another thing folks do before they jump me. Any truth to the rumor that Mary Lynn Rajskub is about to be replaced by Linda Rodriguez in the role of Chloe? Buddy, you might as well pull up the ramps to the shark traps.
Oh, I remember looking right into Dick Sargent. Right into his eyes. And, you know, the thing about a shark... I've got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When I came at Dick Sargent, I didn't seem to be living... until I bit him, and my black eyes rolled over white and then... the ratings turn red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', ... I ripped them to pieces. Both of them. Dick Sargent and Dick York.
You might say TV's first Dick replacement was also the first time anyone tried to jump me.
Is that a powerboat motor I hear? Is Jack fixin' to marry Sheena Easton in a very special episode? Yeah, I'll bite that one in half below the waist. Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!
Or, Day 6, 2:00 AM to 3:00 AM, with special guest stars, The Harlem Globetrotters! Mmm, delicious!
What's this? Jack gets shot next week? Excellent! Replacement of the lead actor is the ultimate Me-Jump.
I wonder if Ricky Schroder will taste anything like Ted McGinley.
Counterpoint: Jack, you've gotta make up your mind. If you want to stay alive, then ante up.