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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 1:00 AM and 12:00 AM

(I was challenged to TivoBlog this episode backwards. I'd like to see that jerk Steve at Dave Barry try this!)

Tock-Tick

Jack watches as Penis Nose spazzes out and babbles nonsense about how she's going to save to world from Global Warming by using only one square of toilet paper. Clearly, she's out of her mind. "What did the Heathen Chinee do to her?"

Jack is furious at Ricky Stratton. "I had this handled. Why the hell didn't you listen to me?" He explains there was enough C-4 in the wall to make the Bates Motel "blow up real good." Ricky Stratton puts the cuffs on Jack and prepares to haul him back to CTU.

Lick Poo seems destined to make his escape with the Russian Chip. Lick Poo shoots down a chopper with a missile. CTU is in hot pursuit of Lick Poo who's in the back seat of a military vehicle getting a hummer, or something like that. Lick Poo runs to the three hummers that are waiting for him behind the hotel.

The teams arive just in time to start shooting things up. Ricky Stratton shoots Jack right in the flak vest. Ricky Stratton sees Penis Nose walking away and knows Jack is about to make the trade. Jack won't give up the chip until Penis Nose is safe. Lick Poo pulls up at the Bates Motel in a rented prom limo as Ricky Stratton watches from a distance.


12:59:59 to 12:51:34
Awana Fuqya takes over CTU. "I am your queen, now, infidels! Bow before me!"

The redshirts come for Chiggy. "We're escorting you off the premises. There'll be a new Director in a few hours. It'll probably be Stratton. You're in charge now," he tells Awana Fuqya. Fuqya consoles him, "Sucks to be you," Chiggy takes Awana Fuqya into his office and tells her ."I'm stepping down as Director of CTU. I was fired."

Ricky Stratton spots a vehicle parked behind an abandoned motel and nose it's Jack's because of the license plate "DAMMIT1" and the bumper-sticker reading "I tortured your Honor Student."
Frau Blucher breaks the news to Chiggy in the most sensitive way possible, "Hey, everybody who still has a job at CTU take one step forward. Not so fast, honey."

Al Bundy visits Chiggy to request a transfer. "RPF and me aren't getting along. Put me anywhere else." "How about women's shoes?" "Fabulous"


12:47:13 to 12:38:53

Jack calls Chiggy Killer. "Just letting you know, I am destroying the chip. And, by the way you've been a real mensch. Oy." Jack, in the Bates motel, works on his shop project. It involves some wires and enough C-4 to produce an explosion greater than all the explosives used by all the terrorists in all the attacks made against the United States under the Clinton administration.

Frau Blucher goes to Weasel Cage for advice on what to do, throw Chiggy under the bus to save herself, or vice versa. Weasel Cage tells her "Girlffriend, he's holding you back. Lose that Zero and get yourself a hero!"

He kicks them out and gets to work. Jack opens one of the rooms of the motel and finds 854 illegal immigrants living in it. Jack pulls up at the Bates motel, parks his Toyota Tundra around the back, and grabs his man-purse.


12:33:34 to 12:28:14

Bernie Mac lays it down for Frau Blucher. "Someone's gonna burn for this. You or Chiggy. Take your pick." Rodent Boy is breaking down like Nancy Kerrigan. "Frau Blucher is covering up for Chiggy Killer. He had Sameer Nagonaworkhere and he let him go." "He is such a weasel," Frau Blucher blurts out. Frau Blucher is meeting with Bernie Mac.

Al Bundy storms off, RPF apologizes ineffectually for taking their cat fight too far. RPF and Al Bundy are going at it like Peg Bundy and Al Bundy. "How come you can't satisfy me in bed, Al?" "How come you can't cook, Peg?" "How come you programmed nuclear warheads for terrorists, Al?" RPF gives up and sends the files to Kemper for decryption. Al Bundy and PRF, still bickering. Awana Fuqya tells RPF to check all the calls on all the cell towers Jack might have used.

Ricky Stratton looks at the tire tracks and determines Jack must be on the 305. Also, "Many men come this way, nine horses, two days ago!"


12:23:55 to 12:14:42

Jack calls Lick Poo. "Change in plan, now you have to meet me at the Bates Motel." Lick Poo agrees.

Weasel Cage and JJ agree that they have a lot in common, and decide that their relationship might just work out after all. JJ's first official act is to threaten Weasel Cage. "It concerns me that you have been committing perjury and conspiracy. I don't think that that is behavior befitting the acting president of the United States." JJ chuckles. "What? Did you sleep through the 90's or something?" JJ prepares to seize the reigns of power, and the whips and chains, too, but enough about him and Ann Coulter.

Ricky Stratton keeps following Jack, but with Jack's space-folding ability, it's almost impossible to keep up with him.

Al Bundy and Jack bicker once again. Jack ditches the tracking base under some power lines. Al Bundy loses the tracking signal on Jack Bauer.

Chiggy informs CTU that Jack has gone rogue, which is naturally what happend when he tastes human blood. Ricky calls Chiggy to tell him he screwed up. Ricky Stratton then turns to car-jacking. He knew all that time hanging out with Todd Bridges wasn't wasted.

12:10:17 to 12:00:00

7 comments:

Jack Bauer said...

Memento style....nice

steveegg said...

Next week, Yoda-style do (or do not. There no try is.)

SusanT said...

tarantino would be proud.

Uncle Tim said...

I say Chinese Embassador guy's name should here after be Elmer J. Fudd... Don't scwuw wif me, I own a mantion and a yacht mista Bowa!

Palm boy said...

Bernie Mac... Nice.

I must concur with steveegg. Yoda indeed.

NDwalters said...

I want Jack to get snarky with Lick Poo and ask him if he has any flied lice......

Winstrol said...

The first extract is obvious nonsense!