10:00:00 to 10:11:04
Yee-hah! Slim Pickens is riding the missile straight into Durkadurkastan! Fixin' to unleash some bottled sunshine. Frau Blucher and Weasel Cage are desperate to stop the missiles. Frau Blucher begs Chiggy to lie and say Jack is getting dirt from Nagonaworkhere, but Chiggy won't lie.
In full-blown panic, the ambassador from Durkadurkastan reports that his government has taken General Heebiejeebi into custody for working with Sameer Nagonaworkhere's terrorist cell. Zombie President Belushi aborts the missile. Now knowing the Durkadurkastanis have been lying the whole time, and the whole thing was a bluff it wasn't a real missile it was a dummy warhead (Demond Wilson was strapped to the nosecone.)
Back in El Lay, Jack pounds Nagonaworkhere like cheap veal, but Nagonaworkhere won't talk. Ricky Stratton wants to take a turn with him.
Ricky Stratton: "You think you're gonna be some knd of martyr. I don't think so, punk."
Nagonaworkhere: "I serve the will of God."
Ricky Stratton (putting a gun to Nagonaworkhere's head): "Let's try out that theory."
Jack stops Ricky Stratton and books the David Crosby suite at Betty Ford to hook up Nagonaworkhere to some chemical persuasion.
10:15:32 to 10:22:54
Weasel Cage brings Heebiejeebi's permanent record from elementary school. Zombie President Belushi is pleased. "Ha! Ran with scissors! I knew it!" Weasel apologizes for not trusting ZPB's judgment, and Belushi apologizes for not being more sensitive to Weasel Cage's feelings. ZPB says, "We all learned something here today." You know how I can tell ZPB and WC are gay? Because they hold each other oh so tenderly.
Naturally, the armored van is rammed by an armored truck on the way back to CTU. A bunch of thugs bust out of the armored truck and come at Jack and Ricky Stratton with machine guns. Jack uses his sidearm and manages to take out a couple before the bullet with his name on it finds him and leaves him sprawled on the pavement. As soon as Jack and Ricky are down, the thugs hustle off with Nagonaworkhere.
Jacks lies dead on the pavement. Then he rises as Zombie Jack Bauer. He informs CTU that the "rescue" of Nagonaworkhere went off as planned. Then, Zombie Bacardi turns to Zombie Light Beer and says, "Ricky you're bleeding... and your brains smell delicious." Ricky insists that it's minor.
As the armored van speeds away, a middle eastern man informs Nagonworkhere, "General Heebijeebi sent us. He wants us to help you rendezvous with your men." "Give me your gun," Nagonaworkhere demands, and then demands to talk to Heebijeebi directly.
10:27:23 to 10:37:32 Chiggy recaps the previous segment for the benefit of Zombie President Belushi and anyone else who was tuning in late or was too stupid to figure it out. (You know, like people who watch 'The View.') Chiggy and Zombie President Belushi to arrange for Heebijeebi to call in. The Durkadurkastani ambassador grovels in gratitude for the president not making baked glass out of the desert. Now, Frau Blucher starts talking tough, "That's not good enough, you lying sack of crap." "It's not lying, it's taqiyya, and besides, we even arrested his family. What else do you want from us?" ZPB suggests: "Well, could you shoot them... or at least fake it like Jack did in Season 2."
Back at CTU, Kemper is all pissy because he thinks Awana Fuqya likes Ricky Stratton better than him. Fuqya insists that she's only being nice because she likes hanging around Ricky's dad's mansion, which is stocked with arcade video games and has a scale model train. Al Bundy here's them arguing, and offers Kemper some words of wisdom. "Women, can't live with them... the end."
As the Durkadurkastani's hold a gun to his son's head for inspiration, Heebijeebi talks to Nagonworkhere. "You suck Nagonaworkhere. I should have sent Bahir to run this martyrdom operation. Make with the bombs already." Nagonaworkhere gives the team directions to the safe house.
Back at the Batcave, the president collapses.There hasn't been a president who fell down this much since Ulysses S Grant.
10:41:53 to 10:47:24
Awana Fuqya finds an inconsistency in the general's transcript. "He talks about someone named Bahir. That's not even a real middle Eastern name. it's that kid from 'South Park.''' She thinks it may have been a duress code. Jack tries to warn the CTU guys in the armored car, but just then, their truck enters a tunnel, cutting them off. The next time Jack sees the armored truck, it's stopped into the tunnel and most of the CTU tactical team is dead.
Seeing bullet holes in the service door of the tunnel (they always seem to have those, don't they?) Jack follows it and sees Nagonaworkhere pummeling some undocumented worker who was just doing a job American's won't do. Then, Nagonaworkhere steals his truck. Apparently, the FBI was asleep at the switch when Nagonaworkhere took a CDL course and got a Class F Heavy Equipment License.
Jack clings to the bottom of the garbage truck, and still manages to call CTU. "Hey, Look at me, I'm T.J. Hooker!"
10:51:42 to 10:59:59
Zombie President Belushi is strapped back into his chair. "Must. Eat. More. Brains." His doctor will have none of it. "Either you stop eating brains or I quit." "What if I just ate one really big brain?" Frau Blucher agrees to send for George F. Will.
Nagonaworkhere speeds back towards Initech. Upon arrival, he orders his men to load the nukes onto the truck and make ready to drive to the middle of downtown Los Angeles, where they will detonate them at midnight, resulting in as many as five casualties.
Then, Jack starts shooting up the place. There are like twenty terrorists firing at him with AK's, and Jack's got like one hand gun and a can of Dole pineapple, but he fights like Chuck Norris and kills them all and then beats the crap outta Sameer Nagonaworkhere. Jack hooks him up to a chain and whispers, "Say hello to your little brother... and my wife ... and Tony Almeda, and Michelle Dressler, and Edgar Stiles, and Edgar Stiles's Mom, and Lynn McGill, and Curtis Manning and David Palmer and Ryan Chappelle and ... Elvis and Don Knotts." Then Jack hangs him.
Doyle is the first to catch up with him. "Bombs are on the table." Jack tells him. "It's Miller Time." Jack checks his watch. "And in less time than it usually takes."
Then, Jack gets a mysterious phone call from his "dead" Season 4 girlfriend, Zombie Penis Nose. The heathen Chinee are holding her prisoner and torturing, but unlike with Muslims, you won't hear any professional grievance groups whining about it. Just ask Sarah Silverman. Anyway, the heathen Chinee demand that Jack call them back, presumably, so they can continue to do horrible things to him.
Or for them?