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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM

11:00:00 to 11:11:14
The hour begins with a little tender male bonding between Jack and Ricky Stratton: "Jack, I know you've been through Hell, and I want you to know, I respect you, man, and everything you did. Hey, if you're not doing anything later, wanna come back to my place and watch figure-skating?"

But Jack has to take a call from the Heathen Chinee intelligence officer, Lick Poo. Lick Poo will swap Penis-Nose for the arming chips on the nuclear devices, which somehow contain the entire key to all of Russia's defense systems. If Jack refuses, the Heathen Chinee will whack off Penis Nose.

Back in DC, President Belushi isn't looking so good, but he can't step down, not with Jim Jones ready to burst through the wall with a hearty "Oh, Yeah!" So, Weasel Cage offers him a way out and tells him about the tape where Jim Jones refers to Cynthia McKinney Belushi as a "Nappy Headed Ho." But then, Frau Blucher bursts into the Batcave with good news: "The Heathen Chinee are gonna kill Penis Nose!"

While Chiggy Killer gives a hearty speech praising the surviving CTU staff for finding the nukes, for going 16 hours without a mole, and reminding them that "next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans."

RPF gets a call from Jack asking for the specs to the nucular bombs so he can swap them for Penis Nose. Chloe hesitates, "Jack, we both know that would result in an international incident... besides, shouldn't you be with the mother of your child? Patsy Ramsey?" Jack assures her that he'll never let those "yellow bastards" get their hands on the chip. RPF tries to get the specs off Al Bundy's workstation, but it takes a while as she sorts through his collection of foot fetish pr0n. Finally, she gets the specs to Jack just in the nick of time.

11:15:28 to 11:25:02
Jim Belushi calls Jim Jones in the Oval Office. "Look, JJ, I think you're great and everything... but I just think we should both see other Chief Executives for a while." JJ replies, more or less, "Bite my angry, Bob-Dole-like, ass." JB tries to be conciliatory: "Now, don't make this hard. We can still be friends." But ends up threatening to release the "nappy headed ho" tape to Al Sharpton. JJ concedes.

At CTU, Al Bundy spots the system hacking because he had installed a key-logger when no one was looking. RPF confesses. "All right, I did it to help Jack, but it's cool. Jack promised that he probably won't give the triggers to the Chinese." Al Bundy disagrees, "But I feel really bummed about helping the terrorists with those codes, I'm gonna narc you out." "Never mind, I'll narc myself out." RPF goes to Chiggy's office to confess in person.

Back where the bombs are, Jack tries to intimidates the Marines into letting him pass by making his fur stand on end and hissing at them. He succeeds, but then while he is removing the circuit board. Light Beer (Ricky Stratton) appears, and puts Jack (once again) in handcuffs. Jack has spent more time in handcuffs this season than Dick Morris at a bondage convention.

11:28:15 to 11:34:28
Jack talks to President Belushi to get permission to swap the nucular trigger for Penis Nose. "As Janet Reno once said, Mr President, you owe me, bitch." After Jack promises to load the chip with C-4 and go "Allah Akhbar" if Lick Poo tries to take it, the president reluctantly agrees.

11:38:42 to 11:47:52
Jack asks Ricky Stratton for help. "I need you to help me with Audrey's extraction. The Heathen Chinee are very crafty." Jack also has a score to settle with Lick Poo, who tortured him while he was in China. Jack promises, "When we're done, the chip will be destroyed, and Lick Poo will be dead."

Chloe and Al Bundy have a spat, but no one cares.

Ricky Stratton isn't thrilled to be along for the ride, and thinks Jack should kick Penis Nose to the curb. "I don't mix relationships with my job, Jack. Not since I lost my virginity to Erin Grey, anyway."

Back in DC, JJ tells Ann Coulter, "The President asked me to resign, and I'm going to." Ann Coulter doesn't like it, "That faggot? I'll scratch his eyes out and convert him to Christianity!" JJ takes her hand and tells her not to worry. "Hey, forget it, after I resign, I am gonna bone you like Snoop Dogg." They go to watch the president's midnight press conference. Zombie President Belushi yammers on about national healing and whatnot and at first no one notices he's babbling like Jessica Savitch. But then he suffers a seizure, and passes out. At first, the press applauds his Chevy Chase impression, but they realize something is wrong when JJ runs to the podium, spikes a football, and does a dance in the End Zone.

11:52:04 to 11:59:59
In the White House, the physician has, during the commercial break, diagnosed a stroke, sent the president to Bethesda Naval Hospital for an MRI, and cooked a Hot Pocket in his microwave. With JJ's in charge again, Ann Coulter checks the calendar and spots the presidential directive authorizing Jack's covert action. JJ thinks its a bad idea. "She bought her ticket. She knew the risks. I say, let her crash!"

Chiggy calls Doyle, and tells him to stand down the operation. "I need you to divert Jack from the freeway to a tactical team that will take him down" Doyle nods, "Roger that."

"Who was that?" Jack asks. "Oh, nobody. By the way, Jack, we can't take the 118. There's been an accident. A semi-truck full of eggs hit a truck full of cheese; there's quiche everywhere." Jack doesn't buy it, he pulls a gun. "I blew away Cola, I can sure as Hell blow away Light Beer." He tells Doyle, "Put out or Get Out."

Since he actually just meant, "get out," Jack leaves him by the side of the road.

Tick-Tock

2 comments:

The Man said...

You cannot make a hot pocket during a commercial break. Those 24 writers are hacks...

good job vthek

Proton said...

Is that an Airplane! reference I see there?