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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 9:00 pm and 10:00 pm

09:00:00 to 09:09:07
In the Batcave, Zombie President Belushi munches on some fresh brains and declines the use of a wheelchair. Frau Blucher compares Zombie President Belushi to FDR. "FDR could do lots of things in a wheelchair... which is how he knocked up my mom."

Meanwhile, Jim Jones has snapped and now thinks he's Bob Dole.When Zombie President Belushi enters the conference room, he says, ""Jim Jones is glad to see you back. Jim Jones thinks you should step down. Jim Jones is tired of the president doing nothing in response to terrorism. Jim Jones wants to talk to the attorney general."

At CTU, Jack lets Chiggy has no intention of following through on any immunity agreement with Whistler.

09:13:32 to 09:20:07
At CTU: Kemper and Awana Fuqya needlessly remind the audience that their tense working relationship is now counterpointed by a hot personal relationship.
Kemper: "Any word on the cabinet vote?"
Awana: "Nope."
Kemper: "Wanna make out in the server room?"
Awana: "Maybe. You realize I am a devout Muslim, so, I am going to be honor-killed for what we did, you infidel bastard."
Kemper: "Sucks to be you."

Ricky Stratton apologizes to Awana Fuqya. Then, he tells her he thinks Kemper screwed up, and he wants her to nail him by snooping into his computer. Either that, or he'll call the Geek Squad from Best Buy haul him away kicking and screaming, and that will be embarrassing for everybody.

Back at the batcave, the cabinet votes on whether to drink Kool Aid with Jim Jones or eat brains with Jim Belushi. Of course, it comes out a 7-7 tie. According to the Attorney General, there's no majority, Zombie President Belushi stays in power. Belushi does a victory dance then eats the brains of the Secretary for Housing and Urban Development.

Jim Jones disagrees. "Jim Jones disagrees," he says. "Frau Blucher doesn't count, she resigned and Jim Jones accepted her resignation. Jim Jones is the president. Where's the outrage?" "I'll sue your cracker ass," declares President Belushi. "It's up to the Supreme Court," the Attorney General decides. Weasel Cage suggests they wake up the supreme court and present them with briefs, except Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who'll just sleep through it anyway, and John Paul Stevens, whose briefs are stained with his senile incontinence.

09:24:34 to 09:37:02
Awana Fuqya distracts Kemper by complaining of a hardware problem.
Awana:"My cupholder is broken."
Kemper: "You mean the CD-ROM drive."
Awana: "Is that what that thing is?"

Kemper goes to check it out. She checks out his computer and finds out he forget to refresh his password and also clicked on some damn 'punch the monkey' thing, in violation of CTU rules. Stratton covers up for him, "You see, that's what I do. I act like a total dick, then I turn around and do something decent. Crazy, isn't it?" Awana Fuqya is surprised when he quotes the Koran at her. "Yes I've read the Koran. And the Bible... but I'm all really about Dianetics. You know, if we could just get those terrorists into auditing, get them into clear Thetas..."

Immunity deal in hand, Whistler calls Nagonaworkere. They agree to meet at the Santa Monica pier in ten minutes. "It'll be romantic. I can see it now: just you, me, and the moon. Wear a necktie so I'll know you."

Nagonaworkhere and his henchmen are loading beer kegs into the back of a truck, apparently they support their terrorism by working as Coors distributors. "Let's just nuke 'em now, and declare 'Miller Time.'" one of the henchmen says. But Nagonaworkhere is gonna stick with the man. "No, with Whistler's data, we can irradiate half of California."

Cynthia McKinney Belushi is putting together the brief. "Ladies and crackers of the court, If you don't leave my brother in power, I'll beat you to death with my cell phone." They agree they've got a strong case. Ann Coulter and Jim Jones are performing their own evaluation and decide their best shot is for Ann Coulter to perjure himself. "Jim Jones wants you to commit perjury," says Jim Jones, then sends her out to get some Viagra. Weasel Cage walks in. He shows Jim Jones the transmitter that picked up his conversation with Ann Coulter. "Jim Jones says turn that off before I shove this pen through your neck."

09:41:25 to 9:48:13
Cynthia McKinney informs Zombie President Belushi that Vice President Jim Jones has withdrawn his suit. "Hot damn!' Zombie President Belushi exclaims. "Now, back to appeasement." He asks her to tell those cabinet members who sided with Jim Jones to wash their heads and come into his office. Then, he calls his doctor.

A CTU techie injects Whistler with a radioactive isotope that will lodge in his bones and enable CTU to track him. He picks up a cell phone, reads a txt msg, wonders what the hell "S dat a ph n yr pocket or RU Jst =:) 2C M?" means, then two thugs grab him and take him into a building, where he strips off the wire.

Nagonaworkhere is crushed. "You led them to me?""I had no choice, but if you listen to me, we both get out of here alive." Jack follows his signal into the building, where he finds out that Whistler has been disarmed.

9:52:36 to 9:59:59
An exciting top of the hour shoot out ensues. Jack is pinned down by Nagonaworkhere's martyrs, but manages to kill them somehow.

Meanwhile, a one-armed Russian and a Muslim terrorist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Where did you get that horrible hideous thing?" the one-armed Russian says, "Saudi Arabia."

Then, shooting breaks out in the bar. A bar patron goes down. Jack kicks Nagonaworkhere in the face, but Whistler escapes.

Zombie President Belushi eats his doctor's brain.

Whistler stumbles underneath the pier. Weak from blood loss and reeking of swarthy terrorist man-love, he falls. As he dies, he sees a vision in the distance... a man in a leather jacket water-skiing over a shark. What could it mean?

Frau Blucher wants to declare a truce with Weasel Cage. They agree to agree to disagree. Then, Weasel Cage gets an ominous phone call. President Belushi is going ahead with the nuclear strike. The launch is successful.

Hey, if Mitt Romney can flip-flop on abortion...

Tick-Tock

14 comments:

Dave said...

LMAO! V the K saves the episode.

The Man said...

A one-armed Russian and a Muslim terrorist walk into a bar. "Ouch."

The Man said...

How do you get a one-armed russian terrorist out of a tree?

Wave at him.

kitty said...

Jaaaaaay-zus, I don't tell you guys how absolutely hysterical you are!

Zombie President Belushi?
Cynthia McKinney Belushi? (I knew she reminded me of someone!)
"DISARMED" ?!!!?

You owe me a new monitor ;)
...

kitty said...

Jaaaaaay-zus, I don't tell you guys ENOUGH just how absolutely hysterical you are!

(I just wanted to clarify that.)
...

Rob Carr said...

Two points:

1. The epinephrine shot isn't what Palmer needed. I can think of a few drugs that would have been far better choices. Someone's watched "Pulp Fiction" too many times. Either that, or they're trying to avoid having the President "abuse drugs."

2. To be detectable 15 miles away, do you know how hot Dmitri Gredenko would have to be from that radioactive isotope? Forget 15 miles -- we can assume they've got lots of sensors in LA now because of all the "24"ishness that's gone on. Do you know how hot Gredenko would have to be to detect his location inside a building?

No wonder the guy cut his arm off. He's not dying of blood loss by the sea, he's dying of severe radiation poisoning. He got more than the guys who had to go scuba diving inside the Chernobyl reactor to clear the drain.

And now, he's bleeding into the ocean. Palmer probably thinks LA's been attacked with a dirty bomb. No wonder he decided to nuke that Arabic Country To Be Named Later after all.

Of course, if Palmer's really using amphetamines rather than epi, then the whole nuke thing is just drug-induced paranoia.

Greg said...

I a forum last week in reference to this episode, I posted a picture of the man on the motorcycle... well, waterskis, anyway. Glad I'm not the only one, although it was Mr. "I've forgotten I'm autistic" that did it for me.

NDwalters said...

What's something a one-armed Russian terrorist cannot do?

Clap.

yankz said...

I think that, if not for the "Show me your head" scene, that that would be the worst episode in 24 history. As it stands, Teri gets amnesia still takes the cake.

Great wrap-up, though.

Trench said...

As he dies, he sees a vision in the distance... a man in a leather jacket water-skiing over a shark. What could it mean?

Pure genius.

David said...

What is the sound of a one armed terroist clapping?

Sally said...

The Santa Monica pier reminded me of the location for the Lost Boys movie...

Overall, I really enjoyed this episode and it doesn't come anywhere near shark-jumping...and this is coming from someone who actually watched the Happy Days shark jumping episode when it aired. Scary.

speechgirl said...

V the K... Bravo once again. You make me feel like being a 24 junkie is "almost" socially acceptable. You ROCK!

V the K said...

You are all far too kind to me, but thanks.