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Monday, April 30, 2007

Live Blogging: 1:00AM - 2:00AM

The Jack Sack declares "salutations!" to you all!

I have a theory about this season of "24" and it's very simple- the silly 17 episode arc with Fayed and Gredenko, and the slapped-together plot over these past two episodes with Audrey turned into Charles Manson-- all of that is a misdirection from what will be the single greatest finish to any season of "24" ever. All will be forgiven (cue Fox announcer voice) IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!!! I know, I'm probably holding out false hope, but what can I say? Even a bad episode of "24" is 100% more fun than all that other flotsum they call television programming out there.

Now, before we get our hands dirty with the live-bloggin', I want to do my part in furthering the image that B4B is written by sexually depraved individuals. Where the standard-issue Kim Bauer pic would normally go here, I am upping the game with the woman I am most attracted to from all past seasons of the show- Kate Warner. And here she is at her finest:


What, that doesn't do it for you? You f&@$ing infidels make me sick! Fine... here ya go:



Better? Bah! Look at her unclean feet!

Alright, 45 minutes to showtime, time to make peace with my God...

8:27PM in the real world: Ya know, as I sit here with my piping-hot laptop on my crotch, I begin to wonder if I can submit several million of these guys for tonight's Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter:

Sorry, fellas, but B4B gots to LIVE BLOG!!!!!!

OK-- The following takes place between 1AM and 2AM...

Previously on 24: Last week we jumped the shark, but we PROMISE it will all be better tonight!

1:00AM- 01:12AM

Cleaning up Doyle's mess. Jack is justifiably pissed. He was SO close to killing himself. Looks like Audrey inherited the "crazy Martha Logan" theme music.

Back at CTU, Hottia is throwing out orders like a fox. And where's Dolores Katz to take care of this silly Morris subplot?

Ya know, Doyle you're NOT a shrink like you say, so what's with the field psych diagnosis?

Back at the Daniels Hen-House: The turncoat Karen Hayes is jivin' something fierce with the crooked "acting" president. Oh come on, is Hayes that silly to buy Daniels' weak-ass schtick? Oh, and now we see that Blondica Lewinsky is getting her-- WOAH, that's a bra! Where was I?

Hey, it's the Russian Prez! "Where are the nuclear wessels, Meeester President?" Oh boy, Daniels is screwed on both ends tonight! Ut-oh, Daniels is now getting frisky. Daniels = OWNED. Say it, Tom- WE GOT A SPY! YEAH, MOLEY MOLEY MOLE!!!!

Offroading with Cheng, we see the miracle of Chinese wi-fi at work. WAIT- the circuit board is damaged. Of course, it's damaged. Ah, the plot thickens!

1:16AM-1:25AM

THAT WAS A QUICKIE INDEED! Well, what have we here? A very fit studly-spy. Put your pants on before you commit treason, son!

Back at "Days of Our O'Brians"-- Chloe tells Morris that he is still her man. Morris tells Chloe, that he's back to being a single-shoe salesman. Go Al Bundy! CHLOE: "Morris, forgive me." MORRIS: "We're done." Man, that's some cold shiznit, Mo-Mo!

Well, here are the 2 most powerful women on Earth, talking about the craziest woman at CTU (Audrey). Karen is strong-arming Nadia. Oh, here it comes- Wooh! Nadia is kicking back. I love this woman. She is in blue light. How friggin hot is that? Who's Dr. Thinbeard? They have these guys on-call to deprogram POWs? Audrey, we will attempt to cure your months of torture in less than an hour. Lovely!

Jack is doing that intense whispering thing to Doyle. Doyle, you don't have a chance. "Mike, we've only known one another for 5 hours- as a personal favor, keep an eye on my broken girlfriend." Yeah, ok.

Audrey is a Tpye-3 catatonic. With a fifth of gin, we can cure her! Dr. Thinbeard- YOU DON'T KNOW JACK! And he just gave three pages of dialogue in two seconds. So, here we have Nadia and Doyle having their little sexually-charged anger-fueled interaction. I am betting cash-money that they end up together before this season is done.

1:30AM-1:37AM

Slutsky McVeepwhore-- the acting President NEEDS you! Wow, is that guy just a pimp or what? Don't button up that shirt, you 2-minute stud you!

Okay, here is a little NSA subcircuit jibberish with Tom Lennox. Russia, blah blah blah... and WA-POW! Who's the leak? "Lisa Miller, Mr. Acting Vice President, sir!" Ohhhhh, Daniels is gonna burst his carotid artery. HAHAHAHA! Oh, man is this great or what? Daniels is the world's biggest moron ever. Oh, Nancy died- okay, so there is no adultery. Poor Tom Lennox, he looks like he's going to laugh and vomit at the same time. That will be a 24 first!

Back at Arkham Asylum, Jack and Doyle are throwing around some whispers. Doyle is the man. You're in the circle of trust, Mike. Good going! Oh wait, the sleeper hold! I love this show!!! SUCKER PUNCH!!! Do it!!!! Dr. Thinbeard, prepare to be knocked the f&@# out! "Consider yourself lucky" ??? Ehhh, not so good a line. Okay, Jack is back to being "rogue" again. Milo knows what's up- "Nadia, just do what Jack tells you, got that baby?"

1:42AM-1:48AM

How hard is it to get live closed circuit feeds? I've seen mini-marts with better surveillance. Nadia, you are too damned fine. You tell Doyle how you feel. Whoo! Wait, Nadia is going to stop Jack? Yeah... no.

Okay, here's the Jack-Audrey reunion! Seriously, this woman is broken. Audrey Louise Heller, born in the awful city of Albany, NY. Heh, Nadia said "dammit!" So hot...

Okay, Jack is peppering her with questions. Well, if Jack can make Frank N' Beans function to catch Gredenko a few weeks ago, I think he can make this malnourished battered woman speak. Wow, Kiefer is an awesome actor. Seriously, I love this guy. Now, shoot the Dr. Thinbeard. Eh, Audrey speaks. "Bloomfield"? "Rosebud"? NADIA: "Dr. Thinbeard, get yo' stupid self back to my office. And no long-distance phone calls, ya dig?"

Wait, Nadia is giving Jack "her word"? Do all CTU personnel talk like Jack?

1:52AM-2:00AM

Okay, so here's the sting operation with Tom and Noah. Man, this is going to be uncomfortable. Oh, MAN this is uncomfortable. Busted! Lisa, you broke my heart! "He's an acquaintance!" Now, Noah is whispering! That's some good whispering, dude. Noah Daniels is vindicated as a character now. "Baby, you cross me again, you're going to GITMO!" Now, that's how you dump a broad. Awesome.

YES!!!!!!!!!! JAMES HELLER IS IN DA HIZZOUSE!!!!!!!! The Cadillac Man Liveth! Long Live James Heller. So cool, so smooth, so effin' dope. This guy has to be a future president on the show.

Oh, Nadia and Mike are having their after-shool special moment.

Heller and Jack-- here it is. "I don't want you to go anywhere near my daughter ever again." Jack, listen to this man. Seriously, LISTEN to him. He whispers! He's serious! "I'm warning you, stay away. You're cursed, Jack."

THAT IS HOW YOU END AN EPISODE!

104 comments:

The Man said...

Kate Warner has man-feet. No wonder the selection committee ignored her for the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

Seriously, she could model her feet for a Geico ad.

The Jack Sack said...

Yeah, those puppies are barkin!

steveegg said...

I have to agree with the man here. Kate does nothing for me either in burkha or out of burkha.

The Jack Sack said...

Well, she's all mine then!

The Man said...

On a different note. I guess "Drive" was not really "24 on wheels" as Fox claimed. It was more like "Commander in Chief"...on wheels.

The Man said...

The Hobbits called, they want their feet back.

The Jack Sack said...

Maybe I can get a sperm loan from Kate? Ugh, I'm terrible.

steveegg said...

Jack sure knew how to pick them after Nina slayed Teri to end season one; big feet, then big nose. That doesn't bode well for the Miss B4B Contest.

Rickey Henderson said...

and bill still gets no intro name but bill does?!

steveegg said...

Let's do this.

Worthless Fox6Milwaukee trick; dumping the HD feed so they could put up a severe thunderstorm warning graphic.

yankz said...

"Even a bad episode of "24" is 100% more fun than all that other flotsum they call television programming out there."

Bulls-fucking-eye, man. And yeah, those are some hobbit hooves on Kate.

yankz said...

I totally thought of hobbit feet without reading the man's post. Scout's honor.

steveegg said...

Penis Nose speaks, speakers blow out.

Aywana asserting her authority.

steveegg said...

Stratton - We'll discuss this back at CTU

Bauer - You bet we will, under my terms, with my forearm across your throat.

lawhawk said...

Blah blah blah... lots of exposition - sound and fury signifying not much of anything in a cobbled together plot that doesn't make much sense unless you're a big fan of yet another mole hunt...

steveegg said...

Russian President Subaru must still have a mole; they sure got the bad news fast.

Ann Coulter two-timing Jim Jones. Where's the Kool Aid?

steveegg said...

I've got my .22 locked and loaded, lawhawk.

lawhawk said...

So, President Checkov is concerned about nuclear wessels? And holds the US responsible for their nuke secrets falling into Chinese hands?

Have they not been following US history? The Chinese haven't had a problem getting US secrets, and you think we'd care nearly as much about Russian secrets? /sheesh

bRight & Early said...

Proprietary nuclear technology that has only been available to your government and mine and the discount bin at Radio Shack.

steveegg said...

Russians ordering a One-Two Alpha.

No shit there's a spy, Frau Blucher and Weasel Cage.

V the K said...

Need a nickname for Ann Coulter's Stud Boy.

Rickey Henderson said...

they need the necessary expertise... so what, theyre going to steal morris again?

The Jack Sack said...

I love that AFLAC goat commercial.

steveegg said...

You KNEW that Jack would make sure that circuit board wasn't quite working (unlike Al Bundy).

The Jack Sack said...

Morris is going down.

Rickey Henderson said...

yeah the goat commerical is fantastic.

Anonymous said...

looks like morris is going to be drilled again

The Man said...

A mole? Never!

lawhawk said...

So, that was quick...

And Morris will likely find himself in the hands of a Chinese water torture experiment before long...

It was a bad day to quit sniffing glue eh Morris?

steveegg said...

A mole? No; MOLES!

Al Bundy dumping RPF, and is that a smile?

The Man said...

Chloe is single. Geeks celebrate.

bRight & Early said...

God of the TV Remote says

I'd do Lilly Rowan (Ann Coulter)

steveegg said...

My money on the LA mole is Token. She wants Chiggy back (probably so she can drive the final nail in his coffin), but Frau Blucher still wants to be the one that kills his career.

The Man said...

Someone needs to tell Milo that it isn't casual friday.

lawhawk said...

Audrey is catatonic. And shows signs of having been drugged and tortured.

Not fake torture with feathers in a comfy chair, but real torture.

V the K said...

Daniel Jackson, duh

steveegg said...

There is a reason I don't like shrinks; this jackass is a pompous asshat.

Aywana learning the rules of command from Stratton. Not the teacher I recommend.

Rickey Henderson said...

um.... they injected audrey in her groin?

The Jack Sack said...

Is it me or is Chase the funkiest bank in the Tri-State area? Heh.

The Man said...

um.... they injected audrey in her groin?

It was a "hot beef injection"...

The Jack Sack said...

OHHH Rachael Ray is a disgusting hell-beast.

The Man said...

Is it me or is Chase the funkiest bank in the Tri-State area? Heh.

I hated the "first paycheck" commercial. Like you can really do all that stuff living in the city and paying rent.

steveegg said...

That's one way to put it, Rickey.

Ann is either a nymph or a great faker.

bRight & Early said...

Lily Rowan's boy toy = John Edwards.
All haircut and quick on the trigger.

steveegg said...

Does "side-by-side in the morgue" count as "together"? If not, I'll lay some money down.

Weasel on the Coulter trail.

steveegg said...

B&E - Ring-a-ding-ding.

lawhawk said...

Numb3rs just Pwned the VP and his honey. Again.

steveegg said...

Jim Jones is about to make some serious Kool-Aid for Coulter (well, at least he is a widower, so he can be partially excused).

bRight & Early said...

Please! Not another minute of Jim Jones crying about his dead wife.

The Man said...

JEEZZZUSS When will that dipshit Doyle remember that an uncuffed Jack is dangerous?

steveegg said...

Please make it real, not just good, Jack.

Time for the minus!

bRight & Early said...

Ricky Shroder - "Kick my ass, and make it look good."

Jack (thinking) - "You have no idea."

lawhawk said...

So, Doyle just took a nap - and no one bothered to have a camera to see what was going on in Jack's room?

What kind of Mickey Mouse outfit is CTU after all the nonsense every year.

Rickey Henderson said...

digging the jack/ricky dynamic

steveegg said...

Understatement of the night from Kemper - "If you had just let Jack talk to Audrey, none of this would have happened."

The Man said...

What kind of Mickey Mouse outfit is CTU after all the nonsense every year.

I guess our national security is bid out to the lowest bidder...

steveegg said...

After all, it's not like Jack has ever broken out of CTU before.

PLEASE tell me I heard a crack as Stratton laid down for his nap.

bRight & Early said...

If you're good working at CTU, you become a field agent. If you washed out at Wackenhut, you become a CTU Redshirt.

The Jack Sack said...

"Make it look good" is the new catchphrase of the week.

The Man said...

Nina Myers (85%)

Teri Bauer (15%)

Miss B4B Update. Someone should throw in the towel for poor Teri.

The Man said...

MINI POLL

Which is more dangerous loose at CTU?

1) Jack Bauer
2) Centox Nerve Gas

steveegg said...

RPF missing, Aywana dangerously perceptive with Stratton.

steveegg said...

Looks like we have our Season 7 plot; Jack hunting down the 85% of us who voted for Nina.

bRight & Early said...

I'm going to protect you. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to inject you in the groin again.

bRight & Early said...

Hook p-nose up with Rainman from the first couple hours.

steveegg said...

Comment of the night - B&E.

Golly, looks like Jack started to get through before the torch boy got through. "WE'RE OUT OF TIME!"

steveegg said...

Aywana showing some stones, orders Sigmund Freud out of the office.

Looks like zero wins the Kill Counter again. Sorry about the transition episode, Sack.

Rickey Henderson said...

just give audrey a salt lick and some carrots. she'll be right as rain in 30 seconds.

The Man said...

Audrey Louise Heller, born in the awful city of Albany, NY

Albany? The injection marks probably came before she went to China.

The Jack Sack said...

Is this Emily Deschanel hot? I can't decide. Heh, I usually have an opinion on these things.

The Jack Sack said...

I went to SUNY Albany for three semesters before transferring out. Albany is hell on earth.

The Man said...

Useless Fox5NY 24 Story:

"Kiefer is beefing up 24. What changes does he want for next season and what NY has to do with it"

bRight & Early said...

The Man said...

MINI POLL

Which is more dangerous loose at CTU?

1) Jack Bauer
2) Centox Nerve Gas


Jack Bauer. Centox has more of a conscience.

The Man said...

The russians can mobilize troops in 20 minutes?

lawhawk said...

1) Albany isn't bad. It's an improvement over Siberia or Fredonia.

2) Emily Deschanel is cute in a nerdy kind of way. That show is pretty interesting...

steveegg said...

Transitional fireworks.

Good news; HD is back with all the severe weather gone. Bad news; plenty of weather between the transmitter and me is pixelating the feed.

steveegg said...

What's more dangerous loose at CTU? Depends on whether you pissed off Jack.

The Rooskies aren't mobilizing troops.

Headline in tomorrow's NYTimes - ANN COULTER CONVICTED OF TREASON!

The Man said...

Did Heller swim there?

Anonymous said...

having the mistress declared an ememy combatant and shipped to Gitmo. Brilliant - and Bill Clinton is now wishing he could run again...

bRight & Early said...

Jim Jones - How well do you know this John Edwards?

Lily Rowan - I know he can do the deed fast enough to leave me time to get around DC. All in less than 45 minutes.

steveegg said...

SecDef is back, and he still has connections.

steveegg said...

Heller has just signed his death warrant.

The Man said...

"You're cursed...everything you touch turns up dead"....

Sums up the whole damn show pretty well.

The Jack Sack said...

Can Bill Devane be any friggin cooler?

steveegg said...

Those parting words really cut like a knife.

Hey Heller, I take it you haven't met Kate Warner. Last I checked, she wasn't dead, just dumped because of oversized feet.

The Man said...

Next season 24 is coming to New York. Suck it LA!!!!

Let's see Jack transverse the city in 2 minutes.

bRight & Early said...

"You're cursed...everything you touch turns up dead"....

Jack: Tag. You're it.

bRight & Early said...

Season 7 - 7:00am to 8:00am Jack sits in his SUV trying to get across the GWB.

The Man said...

Season 7 - 7:00am to 8:00am Jack sits in his SUV trying to get across the GWB.

Question: Does Jack listen to 1010WINS when he comes to NY?

steveegg said...

Season 7, 8:00 am-9:00 am: Jack sits on the Parkway.

It's been 20 months since CTU was attacked. Why not again?

bRight & Early said...

Season 7 - 9:00am to 12:00pm Jack waits in line at the discount ticket kiosk trying to score tickets to the revival of Sweeny Todd.

The Man said...

Season 7 - 10:00am to 11:00am

Jack's metrocard won't work and the E-train is running slow. DAMMIT.

bRight & Early said...

Season 7 - 12:00pm to 1:00pm Jack invades 30 Rock, holds Olberman hostage.
Olbarman's response: "Make it look real, man."

someguy said...

Jack Sack,
That was a fun episode. I swear we had the same thought on a couple of things - 1) Rosebud & 2) Heller as future president. I'd say great minds think alike, but well, I'm not going to. Hehe. Anyway, good installment - long live B4B.

nicky said...

Damn, if SecDef was any cooler... he'd be dead. Jack looked like a kid in the principal's office when Heller came in. Also, last week's previews showed some killing which threw off my kill count guess.

yankz said...

Nadia saying "Dammit" makes me all banana pants.

Adam said...

Thanks, gang. This episode was surprisingly very fun. I'm looking forward to next week. Now, what the heck are these Chinese bastards trying to do to us?

Cheng is some sort of a lunatic.

PS someguy, you're in the circle of trust.

SVC Alumnus Blogger said...

Season 7 - 1:00pm to 2:00pm - Jack and special guest Michael Bloomberg take the subway and get in a gunfight with Islamofacists...

BostonMaggie said...

SecDef Heller is back!!!!! I don't care what else they mess up (loose security, etc.), they made me happy with Heller.

The look on the Weasel's face when Jim Jones told him about Blondica was priceless. I don't even know what Jim Jones was saying because I was laughing so hard.

verydark said...

Did anyone else notice that Dr. Barnaby or whatever, played the character "Normal" from Dark Angel?

yankz said...

bostonmaggie- yeah, if i didn't know any better, I'd have thought he said "I've been sleeping with Wayne."

How are there only 3 episodes left? Wasn't last night Ep 20? Which leaves 21, 22, 23, and 24?

glockspeak said...

WTF? I feel so conflicted! Where's my weapon? DAMMIT! Morris talkin smack to my girl Chloe! I'm gonna shoot his a$$. Go back to selling womens shoes ya pansy! Nadia, she's about as hot as oatmeal three days in the sink. Lisa the White House Ho gettin all the action. Fast and/or old but hey, it's action!

Chloe's pregnant, I know it. She's been all blubbery and emotional of late. *kicks morris again* a$$.

Doyle may be sponge worthy after all!

Marilyn? WTF? *racks glock* She's bad. I can tell. She's bad. Josh is Jack's half brother.

I wish they'd bring Kate Warner back. She rocked. Even if she does have big feet. They can be useful!

Man, it would've rocked if the chinese guy turned over the chip and it said "Made in Taiwan"

And what they hell happened to Logan? Where's Aaron when you need him? Sh*t, put him in charge of security at CTU!

Where's jacksack? DAMMIT!

Yeah Him said...

Did Jack just forget that somehow the last we heard from Heller, he was going over the cliff?

I guess he got a ride from a magic shark back to CTU and nobody in there seemed to remember that he was dead either.

Where is the betting pool for who comes back for the final scene in the final episode?

Yeah Him said...

I agree with Yankz... these week and episode counts are off.

Official site says May 21 is the final double episode.

We have 4 to go according to them.

This is definitely getting weird and disconnected worse than a Phish jam where the band is too high to figure out where they left off and eventually just has to quit before finishing the song.

Then again, it could just be me.