Live Blogging: 1:00AM - 2:00AM

The Jack Sack declares "salutations!" to you all!

I have a theory about this season of "24" and it's very simple- the silly 17 episode arc with Fayed and Gredenko, and the slapped-together plot over these past two episodes with Audrey turned into Charles Manson-- all of that is a misdirection from what will be the single greatest finish to any season of "24" ever. All will be forgiven (cue Fox announcer voice) IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!!! I know, I'm probably holding out false hope, but what can I say? Even a bad episode of "24" is 100% more fun than all that other flotsum they call television programming out there.

Now, before we get our hands dirty with the live-bloggin', I want to do my part in furthering the image that B4B is written by sexually depraved individuals. Where the standard-issue Kim Bauer pic would normally go here, I am upping the game with the woman I am most attracted to from all past seasons of the show- Kate Warner. And here she is at her finest:


What, that doesn't do it for you? You f&@$ing infidels make me sick! Fine... here ya go:



Better? Bah! Look at her unclean feet!

Alright, 45 minutes to showtime, time to make peace with my God...

8:27PM in the real world: Ya know, as I sit here with my piping-hot laptop on my crotch, I begin to wonder if I can submit several million of these guys for tonight's Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter:

Sorry, fellas, but B4B gots to LIVE BLOG!!!!!!

OK-- The following takes place between 1AM and 2AM...

Previously on 24: Last week we jumped the shark, but we PROMISE it will all be better tonight!

1:00AM- 01:12AM

Cleaning up Doyle's mess. Jack is justifiably pissed. He was SO close to killing himself. Looks like Audrey inherited the "crazy Martha Logan" theme music.

Back at CTU, Hottia is throwing out orders like a fox. And where's Dolores Katz to take care of this silly Morris subplot?

Ya know, Doyle you're NOT a shrink like you say, so what's with the field psych diagnosis?

Back at the Daniels Hen-House: The turncoat Karen Hayes is jivin' something fierce with the crooked "acting" president. Oh come on, is Hayes that silly to buy Daniels' weak-ass schtick? Oh, and now we see that Blondica Lewinsky is getting her-- WOAH, that's a bra! Where was I?

Hey, it's the Russian Prez! "Where are the nuclear wessels, Meeester President?" Oh boy, Daniels is screwed on both ends tonight! Ut-oh, Daniels is now getting frisky. Daniels = OWNED. Say it, Tom- WE GOT A SPY! YEAH, MOLEY MOLEY MOLE!!!!

Offroading with Cheng, we see the miracle of Chinese wi-fi at work. WAIT- the circuit board is damaged. Of course, it's damaged. Ah, the plot thickens!

1:16AM-1:25AM

THAT WAS A QUICKIE INDEED! Well, what have we here? A very fit studly-spy. Put your pants on before you commit treason, son!

Back at "Days of Our O'Brians"-- Chloe tells Morris that he is still her man. Morris tells Chloe, that he's back to being a single-shoe salesman. Go Al Bundy! CHLOE: "Morris, forgive me." MORRIS: "We're done." Man, that's some cold shiznit, Mo-Mo!

Well, here are the 2 most powerful women on Earth, talking about the craziest woman at CTU (Audrey). Karen is strong-arming Nadia. Oh, here it comes- Wooh! Nadia is kicking back. I love this woman. She is in blue light. How friggin hot is that? Who's Dr. Thinbeard? They have these guys on-call to deprogram POWs? Audrey, we will attempt to cure your months of torture in less than an hour. Lovely!

Jack is doing that intense whispering thing to Doyle. Doyle, you don't have a chance. "Mike, we've only known one another for 5 hours- as a personal favor, keep an eye on my broken girlfriend." Yeah, ok.

Audrey is a Tpye-3 catatonic. With a fifth of gin, we can cure her! Dr. Thinbeard- YOU DON'T KNOW JACK! And he just gave three pages of dialogue in two seconds. So, here we have Nadia and Doyle having their little sexually-charged anger-fueled interaction. I am betting cash-money that they end up together before this season is done.

1:30AM-1:37AM

Slutsky McVeepwhore-- the acting President NEEDS you! Wow, is that guy just a pimp or what? Don't button up that shirt, you 2-minute stud you!

Okay, here is a little NSA subcircuit jibberish with Tom Lennox. Russia, blah blah blah... and WA-POW! Who's the leak? "Lisa Miller, Mr. Acting Vice President, sir!" Ohhhhh, Daniels is gonna burst his carotid artery. HAHAHAHA! Oh, man is this great or what? Daniels is the world's biggest moron ever. Oh, Nancy died- okay, so there is no adultery. Poor Tom Lennox, he looks like he's going to laugh and vomit at the same time. That will be a 24 first!

Back at Arkham Asylum, Jack and Doyle are throwing around some whispers. Doyle is the man. You're in the circle of trust, Mike. Good going! Oh wait, the sleeper hold! I love this show!!! SUCKER PUNCH!!! Do it!!!! Dr. Thinbeard, prepare to be knocked the f&@# out! "Consider yourself lucky" ??? Ehhh, not so good a line. Okay, Jack is back to being "rogue" again. Milo knows what's up- "Nadia, just do what Jack tells you, got that baby?"

1:42AM-1:48AM

How hard is it to get live closed circuit feeds? I've seen mini-marts with better surveillance. Nadia, you are too damned fine. You tell Doyle how you feel. Whoo! Wait, Nadia is going to stop Jack? Yeah... no.

Okay, here's the Jack-Audrey reunion! Seriously, this woman is broken. Audrey Louise Heller, born in the awful city of Albany, NY. Heh, Nadia said "dammit!" So hot...

Okay, Jack is peppering her with questions. Well, if Jack can make Frank N' Beans function to catch Gredenko a few weeks ago, I think he can make this malnourished battered woman speak. Wow, Kiefer is an awesome actor. Seriously, I love this guy. Now, shoot the Dr. Thinbeard. Eh, Audrey speaks. "Bloomfield"? "Rosebud"? NADIA: "Dr. Thinbeard, get yo' stupid self back to my office. And no long-distance phone calls, ya dig?"

Wait, Nadia is giving Jack "her word"? Do all CTU personnel talk like Jack?

1:52AM-2:00AM

Okay, so here's the sting operation with Tom and Noah. Man, this is going to be uncomfortable. Oh, MAN this is uncomfortable. Busted! Lisa, you broke my heart! "He's an acquaintance!" Now, Noah is whispering! That's some good whispering, dude. Noah Daniels is vindicated as a character now. "Baby, you cross me again, you're going to GITMO!" Now, that's how you dump a broad. Awesome.

YES!!!!!!!!!! JAMES HELLER IS IN DA HIZZOUSE!!!!!!!! The Cadillac Man Liveth! Long Live James Heller. So cool, so smooth, so effin' dope. This guy has to be a future president on the show.

Oh, Nadia and Mike are having their after-shool special moment.

Heller and Jack-- here it is. "I don't want you to go anywhere near my daughter ever again." Jack, listen to this man. Seriously, LISTEN to him. He whispers! He's serious! "I'm warning you, stay away. You're cursed, Jack."

THAT IS HOW YOU END AN EPISODE!