24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Philip Bauer must be eradicated!
by Stewie Griffin

Terrific. Now 24 Point/Counterpoint is being lectured by Luke Skywalker - The Force's "D" student. But please, don't let me interrupt you, Luke, you were saying something about seeing the good in your father. Please, continue . . .

SHUT UP, YOU VILE, WRETCHED VIRGIN!!!

Philip Bauer deserves to rot in the bowels of Hell! And I know a thing or two about bad parenting. Why, just the other day Lois barged into my room while I was reading The Wall Street Journal. And her explanation for this unacceptable intrusion?

She wanted to change me! I told her, "Don't forget the taint."

Can you imagine the unmitigated gall? But I digress. Philip Bauer is a deceitful cur who would murder his own son, kidnap his own grandson, and feel up his delightfully attractive daughter-in-law. I mean, when I see Marilyn Bauer, I get half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper!

Any hoo, despite the fact that I actually admire Philip for his murderous tendencies, I believe the prudent thing for Jack Bauer to do here is to beat his father to death with a bowling pin. Go ahead, Jack, really let loose. There are no points taken off for neatness here, okay?

And if you need a hand dismembering Dear Old Dad, give me a call.

Point: I sense the good in Philip Bauer
by Luke Skywalker