Point: The End is near (finally)
by Kent Brockman
Good evening this is Eye on Springfield and it's time for the news. Liberty City defeats the Isotopes 4 to 3. Duff Beer stock sinks on news that Lindsey Lohan refuses to drink it's product. The war in Central Asia continues to stress our military as Captain Horatio McCallister has been recalled to serve. Finally, in My Two Cents, I would like to acknowledge the events of the past few weeks. People of Springfield, the end is near (finally)!
My fan blog has noted if I had donated a dollar each time that I thought the world was coming to an end, Springfield Elementary School would probably have been able to stop charging kids to use the restrooms. The mutant space ant incident comes to mind, that was a slight overreaction on my part. However the nuking of LA was the literal straw that broke my back.
Now I don't want to be overly pessimistic, but our latest computer models state that we're all going to die in a really brutal manner over the next few days. If the bus you ride to work doesn't explode, the sniper on the rooftop will get you. If you manage to make it home, some terrorist will likely detonate a nuclear bomb around the corner and turn your family into a carbon imprint on your cheap microfiber couch. Just remember this is not meant to cause panic, I'm a trained professional. On a lighter note, our demise should be relatively painless, except for the Italians and people named Steve who will likely burn in hell.
The question you are probably asking is what Kent Brockman will do while we wait for the end of times. Well I plan on doing something I've wanted to do for a very long time. Loot.
As I grab my shopping cart and baseball bat, there's only one thing left to do. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay...(click)
Counterpoint: Kent Brockman Sucks Wet Farts Out of Dead Pigeons
by Peter Griffin