LiveBlogging 1:00PM - 3:00PM

Good evening all! My name is Wyatt Earp, and I'll be your host for tonight's 2-hour episode! You can find my dossier HERE. In the meantime, grab a sandwich, your beverage of choice, and some piano wire. I have a feeling that the next two hours will be jam packed with Jack-y Goodness!

Oh, before I forget, make sure you vote in the first round of the Miss Blogs4Bauer Pageant below. Kim Bauer must be stopped! Heh.

1:00pm - It's always fun to relive a weasel's death. That'll do Graem. That'll do. Ya know, it's about time we saw Chloe get snippy. She's has been way too mellow for the first few episodes. "Gettin' some" will do that to a gal, I guess.

Putting Milo in charge of this pursuit is like putting me in charge of Instapundit. Nothing good will come of it.

Hot pursuit! Somewhere, O.J. Simpson is saying to himself, "Damn. You mean we could have driven faster than 20 miles per hour???" McCarthy is certainly a brain surgeon. Notice he broke the passenger side window of that truck. Like the police won't notice shattered glass on that side! Yutz. Oh, and let me just say that CTU has a fleet of choppers, but the Philly P.D, has two . . . and can only run one at a time!

1:10pm - Strangely enough, McCarthy's cell phone provider has free Terrorist "Anytime" Minutes. OH SNAP!!! The bimbo has a set of wontons!!! Nice shot, by the way, honey.

1:11pm - Commercial Break! Now's a good time to vote for Miss Blogs4Bauer!

1:16pm - Looks like Mr. Ally McBeal is having a hissy fit. If I were him, I'd smack Chad Lowe's bad haircut right off his head. But, that's just me: I have anger issues. I have a feeling Tony Snow does the exact thing after being questioned by that human Muppet, Helen Thomas.

1:17pm - Is Reed talking to John Edwards??? I reckon he's the mole?

1:18pm - Hey! Jack Junior, er, John Daly Junior, er, Jack Bauer Junior showed up with the delicious Bauer Widow! Yummay!!! Heh, Marilyn Bauer sure looks broken up about her husband's death. I imagine that's how the Hill-dabeast would look if Bill ever kicked.

1:21pm - Anna Nicole looks about as comfortable as Diane Sawyer was interviewing Mahmoud Ahma-dinnerjacket. And like Mahmoud, Fayed has nukes. Good for him! Fayed tells Morris: "What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!"

1:23pm - Commercial Break! It seems a little unsightly watching Peter Gibbons shilling for Sprint, dontcha think?

1:29pm - Jack seems to give Chloe a whole lot of leeway. Milo? Not so much. It must be the bad facial hair. Of Milo, I mean. Oh, and for those of you keeping score, Nadia still hasn't smiled yet. See? The Democrats were right! We can negotiate with terrorists. God, I feel so stupid for not believing them! Oh . . . maybe not.

1:33pm - Automatic weapons = fun for the whole family. Jack, a real man would go in sans ballistic vest. I'm just sayin'. Denny wouldn't approve of this false fire alarm. On the next episode of Teletubbies: Morris takes a bath!

"Hi, I'm Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, and I want to address an issue near and dear to my heart: the Craftsman Cordless Electric Drill. Now, this baby can drill through anything: wood, steel, or bone! Now, you want to stand back from the splinters and marrow now! Uh, uh, uh!!!"

1:37pm - Anna Nicole takes a dirt nap . . . again. Maybe Fayed's crew will get some while it's still warm? What? Bad taste?

1:41pm - Reed just summarized Hillary Clinton's agenda . . . in the Bizarro World. And did he just use the word, "musing?" Good grief!

1:44pm - Evacuate the building. Good tactical move. Bad move for the Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter, though. No handicapped exit??? Frakkin' California! Oh, and Mr. Fayed, Morris isn't stalling . . . he always works that slowly.

1:47pm - FLASH BANGS!!! Someone tally the Jack Kills, post haste! Now look, I am as hetero as they come, but the sight of Jack with a shotgun makes me feel kinda funny. Heh. Wow, that's a really nice suitcase. Where can I get one of those?

1:49pm - Commercial Break! I just realized that the first episode isn't over yet, and I wrote about 50 paragraphs. Should I just shut the hell up, or keep blogging? My fingers will be bloody stumps after two straight hours of this.

1:55pm - Jack has three minutes. Two and a half minutes longer than RFTR needs, if you know what I mean. Heh! Where's Mel Gibson when you need him? "You said cut the blue wire!" Way to drop the ball, Chloe! If that clock reads "007," I'm calling copyright infringement!!!

1:59pm - Reed just scored one for the bad guys. Good work, son! You have turned a powerful Jedi. Stay tuned next week for . . . What? Another hour?? Oh. Giddyup, then!

2:00pm - New Episode Kids! And away we go!

2:00pm - Hey, Fayed has his own helicopter! Take that, CTU! If you are looking through the credits, you undoubtedly saw that Boris the Blade (now talking on the phone) from Snatch is in this episode! SWEET!!! Hour 2 and still Nadia has not smiled.

2:07pm - I'm guessing Jack doesn't want CTU's pity. Call it a hunch. And check out Chloe! She's got a case of the "Screaming Thigh Sweats" for Jack! And now, we return to a Bauer Family Reunion . . . Do you think the PPD would let me interrogate someone over their son's corpse?

2:10pm - No he isn't grieving!!! Josh's father IS STILL ALIVE!!! Looks like Morris is feeling sorry for himself. WAHHH! I'm responsible for the death of millions! Wuss. And this just in: John Edwards is involved with Reed and Phil Bauer!

2:13pm - Phil, you can't kill Boris the Blade! They call him Boris the Bullet Dodger. Why? "Because he can dodge bullets, Avi." Now it appears that Bull Buchanan wants to take Jack of the case. Smart move, Bull: who's gonna run it now . . . Kim Bauer??? Don't answer that, RFTR.

2:17pm - And that is how Jack will "leave" CTU at the end of the season. The Internal Affairs investigation. Ya heard it here first.

2:18pm - Commercial Break! Soak 'em if you got 'em. I'm gonna soak my fingers in Palmolive. American Idol = The Dumbing Down of America.

2:20pm - Holy Islamic Cause, Batman! Recipe for a workable partnership: two parts sensationalism, one part religion. Mix thoroughly. Kiss your liberal butts goodbye. Luckily, Curly Bill is on the case! "Don't mind him . . . he's drunk!"

2:23pm - Chad Lowe is Deep Throat. Since when did the President's bunker turn into the basement/storage area of my seedy local bar? How about getting Karen Hayes to pick up a mop or something? By the way, they tried to remove the President in Season 2 (or 3, I don't remember) and it didn't work then, either.

2:27pm - Commercial Break! Gotta pee!! I'm back. You only rent a good Mountain Dew. Oh, and the Daytona 500 is only 6 days away. Joygasm!!!

2:31pm - For the last time, JACK IS JOSH'S FATHER!!! Damnit! She tried to leave Graem because she wanted Jack's CTU Dossier . . . if ya know what I mean. Marilyn is lying, Jack! Kill her! Kill her now! She knows Boris the Blade! Heh, Graem was having an affair with Boris. Must have made Marilyn feel pretty insecure. Of course, if she needs some comfort, Philly isn't all that far . . . I'll leave the light on for her.

2:35pm - Papa Bauer is gonna give Marilyn an injection . . . and not the good kind. Milo might as well be wearing a red Star Trek uniform. He's toast. Ya heard it here first. And how tall is Phil Bauer, 7'7"? Cripes!

2:38pm - Commercial Break! Ghost Rider spot. Life is good. Mmm . . . Eva Mendes! And did I just see a Global Warming commercial? Frickin' Al Gore!!!

2:43pm - Chloe is talking to Morris about Boris. Heh, rhyming is cool. First Morris gets bitch-slapped by Fayed. Then by Chloe. Who's next . . . Josh? And now Marilyn is gonna tell Jack that she "yearns" for him. Is this Grey's Anatomy or 24?

2:47pm - Papa is holding Jack Jr hostage. Jack no likey! Nina Myers' death will be pleasant compared to what Jack is gonna do to Daddy Dearest. Judging by the firepower, Boris the Blade doesn't want visitors. Just another hunch. And can anyone smell Milo's blood yet? It's coming.

2:49pm - Commercial Break! The Man is right. These commercials are very loud. Luckily, I lost my hearing after too many Tom Jones concerts. I also lost some undergarments, but that's another story . . .

2:53pm - You are a stupid little kid Josh. Now shut yer pie hole, you idiot. Jack is pulling up, and Street, T.J., and Hondo are just behind them. Milo, you take up a flank 2 position near Marilyn. Flank 2 = Dead Man's Point. Milo drives like Kyle Petty . . . sucky. Here comes the death scene. Wait for it . . . damn.

2:59pm - The house is toast. The van is toast. Jack is near toast. Milo lives. There is no God.

3:00pm - Okay, gang, next week looks kickass! Jack learns his daddy is a scumbag, and Reed tells us who is the "cover." Awesome! In the real world, seven people were shot and killed at the old Philadelphia Navy Shipyard. Tomorrow will be a busy day for the PPD. Where is Jack Bauer when we need him?

Thanks everyone! You've been great! I'm out, enjoy The Psychedelic Furs!