TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm

03:00:00 to 03:09:46

OK, so we got Whistler trying to use nukes to start a war between the USA and "Arab Nations." We got Zefram Cochrane Bauer trying to kill Jack and Jack Jr. We got VP Jim Jones plotting to whack president Jim Belushi. And the question on everyone's mind... what the hell Britney? Why'd you shave your head?

Jack picks himself up after last week's explosion and follows in hot pursuit of Patsy Ramsey Bauer and Griff (Kemper). Zef's thugs call in and erroneously report in that Jack is dead. Zef orders them to take Patsy alive so he can find Whistler. Griff and Patsy hid behind a dumpster, and Griff tells Patsy to run while he gives her cover, but almost ends up sacrificing himself for nothing because the silly she-ho doesn't know the meaning of the word "run." Just as Zef's thugs are about to finish off Griff, Jack shows up and whacks one of the thugs, then he offs the other thug, and he's about whack off the third thug, but the thug surrenders. Jack takes a look at Griff's bullet wound and says, "Oh, Snap! Stop cryin', y'big sissy. Who d'ya think you are, Tonya harding?" Then, he turns the charm on Patsy, by which I mean he holds a gun to her face, and she starts singing like Roseanne Arnold. She tells Jack it was Zef who set up the exploding house deal and gives up Whistler's safe house -- 9124 Russian Safehouse Street -- and Jack passes it on to CTU.

"How could I have been so stupid," Jack asks himself, remembering that horrible Simpsons episode he did.


3:12:12 to 3:21:22

Back at CTU, everybody is rubbing it into Al Bundy about what a big hero Griff is, and Bundy goes off. "That's all I ever hear about, anymore. Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" Also, Bundy and Griff had a long-standing bet that if Griff was ever a hero on the same day Bundy helped terrorists arm nukes, Bundy had to become Griff's slave-for-life.

Jack has Patsy call Zef and tell him she'll give up Whistler's location to him, but only in person so she knows Jack Jr is safe. At the Grandma (or Grand Mal) Hotel, Jack Jr is listening in as Zef talks to Patsy about whacking him off. Jack Jr is slightly perturbed by this and tries to escape, but Zef whips out a gun on him and tells him he'll do anything to preserve the family legacy... even if it means killing every possible heir to that legacy.


3:25:46 to 3:32:16

In the Batcave, Caged Weasel hands over President Belushi's itinerary to Rodent Boy. Rodent Boy is pleased, "Great, now all we need is for you to use your security code to get the assassin into the Batcave so he can whack off the president." Caged Weasel hesitates, "Won't using my security codes implicate, um, ME?" Rodent Boy shrugs it off, "Don't worry. We'll blame Richard Jewell."

Meanwhile, Whistler ... oh, who cares it's just a filler scene.

Back in La-La Land, Al Bundy has stepped out to the Kwik-E-Mart to pick up a Red Bull, a pint of Old MacCutcheon 60, and some Altoids. I swear I saw McGuyver make a potent explosive out of those same ingredients, once. Outside the Kwik-E-Mart, Bundy suddenly remembers the episode of the Simpsons Kiefer Sutherland was in and vomits. Just then, RPF calls him and tells him, "the tac team is about to whack off Whistler, and we need you at your station."

In the hotel parking lot, Jack hands Patsy Ramsey a bulletproof best. "Here, put this on." Fondly, she remembers Jack used those exact same words the night Jack Jr was conceived. Then, they head up to the hotel room accompanied by a man in handcuffs ... once again, just like the night Jack Jr was conceived.


3:36:44 to 3:46:57

At CTU, Al Bundy goes into the Infirmary to check on Griff. In the Batcave, Caged Weasel tries to warn security about the plot to assassinate the president, but Rodent Boy listens in and then whacks him with a flashlight, but does not off him.

CTU prepares to launch the operation against Whistler's safehouse. RPF smells alcohol on Al's breath, and can't seem to understand why a guy who was tortured with a power drill and forced to program a nuke for terrorists less than two hours ago might want to take a drink. She tells him to call his sponsor. "Verizon, Nissan, or '23' starring Jim Carrey?" (Heh.) The CTU tac team moves in on the safe house Patsy Ramsey identified, but of course it turns out to be empty.

Zef's hotel room also turns out to be empty when Jack and Patsy get inside. They get a call from Zef and see that Zef and Jack Jr are across the street standing on the roof, with Zef pointing a gun at Jack Jr's head. Jack offers to surrender himself in return for Jack Jr being let go. Zef agrees. Jack then punches out the terrorist thug. "You know, Zef has already paid for the room..." Patsy points out.


3:51:24 to 3:59:59

RPF tells Griff that Al took a drink, but he did not metabolize the alcohol, Clinton wishes he had thought of that one.

Back at the roof of the Grand Mal Hotel, Jack prepares to surrender himself in exchange for Jack Jr. He lifts his shirt to show he's not armed. Zef makes him turn around and show some ankle, then jiggle a little bit. Satisfied, he orders Jack to move forward while Jack Jr moves away. Zef gives Jack a spiel about "I'm a patriot," and "you abandoned me." yadda-yadda-yadda. Then, he orders Jack to get on his knees and prepare to be whacked. Jack seems almost relieved that he's about to die, gives some lame speech about how he never meant to let his father down, he was only trying to live up to his expectations. Jack faintly hears someone whisper, "Beam me up." When, he turns around, Zef is gone, leaving only a a cell phone. A number on the cell-phone reaches Ex-President Weasel from last season. He's looking a little grungy, and he's talking like a stoner explaining Pink Floyd's The Wall, but he claims he can help Jack get to Whistler, for some unspecified personal benefit.

Tick-Tock.