'24' Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Jack Bauer Is the Worst Person in the World
by Keith Olbermann

As I was fitting the ball-gag into the mouth of the $500 an hour hooker I picked up down in SoHo, I suddenly thought about Bill Orally and his fat bitch mouth. So, the Big Giant Head Thinks Liberalism ruined '24.'

Well, big boy, I got news for you. Television hasn't been liberal since One Day at a Time was canceled. Ah, those were the days! Every sitcom was a meaningful commentary about women's empowerment, or alcoholism, or bigotry. Every drama was a manifesto against blood-sucking corporations. And I didn't need 30 hits of ecstasy, a ton of Viagra, and half a case of Mexican horse tranq to last a weekend at Hef's.

To real for you, Ted Baxter, and your right-wing Disneyland world of terrorists and intrigue, where one man stands alone? That's not what television should be about.

In the golden age, television was about butch, scary, middle-aged women having abortions. Television was about jiggly female detectives who demonstrated their empowerment by obeying a disembodied patriarchal voice on a speaker phone. But then, television changed, and suddenly, we got redneck southerners burning precious fossil fuels and defying law enforcement. It's been going to hell ever since. Do you think Cousin Daisy ever thought about feminist empowerment while she was serving Boss Hogg at the Boar's Nest? No, she did not. And that's why you, Tom Wopat, get the bronze as my worse person in the world.

Television should be about about "down for the struggle" Black single parents struggling to keep their families together while living in the projects where they belong. Somehow, those people got the counter-revolutionary idea they could join the upper class and move into my neighborhood. I blame Diff'rent Strokes for this. And that's why you, Conrad Bain, take the silver, as the worser person in in the world.

Television should be about trans-sexual, drug-addicted nymphomaniacs and their right to teach in public schools. Television should be about anti-war Army doctors who sexually harass all the Army nurses and nobody gives a hoot. Television should be about men cheating on their wives and girlfriends and the women being cool with it. Television should be about gay Nazi punk skinheads!

If Phil Donahue were alive, I would totally give him a rim job.

Jack Bauer should be torturing the CEO's of oil companies and HMOs. Jack Bauer should waterboard Dick Cheney and cut off George Dumbya Bush's pinky. Jack Bauer should break Rudy Giuliani's fingers one by one. And Network News should be anchored by pedigreed leftists who cut their teeth reporting sports, not dizzy sluts from morning TV who won't even shake hands with 'Little Keith' when you expose yourself to them in the Ladies Room at 30 Rock.

Liberal television didn't ruin Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer ruined liberal television. That's why you, Jack Bauer, are the Worst Person in the World.

Point: This Season of 24 Sucks, I Blame Liberals.
by Bill O'Reilly