The Carnival of Bauer

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/3). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/2).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Truth-v-Machine. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Live Blogging: 1:00AM - 2:00AM

The Jack Sack declares "salutations!" to you all!

I have a theory about this season of "24" and it's very simple- the silly 17 episode arc with Fayed and Gredenko, and the slapped-together plot over these past two episodes with Audrey turned into Charles Manson-- all of that is a misdirection from what will be the single greatest finish to any season of "24" ever. All will be forgiven (cue Fox announcer voice) IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!!! I know, I'm probably holding out false hope, but what can I say? Even a bad episode of "24" is 100% more fun than all that other flotsum they call television programming out there.

Now, before we get our hands dirty with the live-bloggin', I want to do my part in furthering the image that B4B is written by sexually depraved individuals. Where the standard-issue Kim Bauer pic would normally go here, I am upping the game with the woman I am most attracted to from all past seasons of the show- Kate Warner. And here she is at her finest:


What, that doesn't do it for you? You f&@$ing infidels make me sick! Fine... here ya go:



Better? Bah! Look at her unclean feet!

Alright, 45 minutes to showtime, time to make peace with my God...

8:27PM in the real world: Ya know, as I sit here with my piping-hot laptop on my crotch, I begin to wonder if I can submit several million of these guys for tonight's Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter:

Sorry, fellas, but B4B gots to LIVE BLOG!!!!!!

OK-- The following takes place between 1AM and 2AM...

Previously on 24: Last week we jumped the shark, but we PROMISE it will all be better tonight!

1:00AM- 01:12AM

Cleaning up Doyle's mess. Jack is justifiably pissed. He was SO close to killing himself. Looks like Audrey inherited the "crazy Martha Logan" theme music.

Back at CTU, Hottia is throwing out orders like a fox. And where's Dolores Katz to take care of this silly Morris subplot?

Ya know, Doyle you're NOT a shrink like you say, so what's with the field psych diagnosis?

Back at the Daniels Hen-House: The turncoat Karen Hayes is jivin' something fierce with the crooked "acting" president. Oh come on, is Hayes that silly to buy Daniels' weak-ass schtick? Oh, and now we see that Blondica Lewinsky is getting her-- WOAH, that's a bra! Where was I?

Hey, it's the Russian Prez! "Where are the nuclear wessels, Meeester President?" Oh boy, Daniels is screwed on both ends tonight! Ut-oh, Daniels is now getting frisky. Daniels = OWNED. Say it, Tom- WE GOT A SPY! YEAH, MOLEY MOLEY MOLE!!!!

Offroading with Cheng, we see the miracle of Chinese wi-fi at work. WAIT- the circuit board is damaged. Of course, it's damaged. Ah, the plot thickens!

1:16AM-1:25AM

THAT WAS A QUICKIE INDEED! Well, what have we here? A very fit studly-spy. Put your pants on before you commit treason, son!

Back at "Days of Our O'Brians"-- Chloe tells Morris that he is still her man. Morris tells Chloe, that he's back to being a single-shoe salesman. Go Al Bundy! CHLOE: "Morris, forgive me." MORRIS: "We're done." Man, that's some cold shiznit, Mo-Mo!

Well, here are the 2 most powerful women on Earth, talking about the craziest woman at CTU (Audrey). Karen is strong-arming Nadia. Oh, here it comes- Wooh! Nadia is kicking back. I love this woman. She is in blue light. How friggin hot is that? Who's Dr. Thinbeard? They have these guys on-call to deprogram POWs? Audrey, we will attempt to cure your months of torture in less than an hour. Lovely!

Jack is doing that intense whispering thing to Doyle. Doyle, you don't have a chance. "Mike, we've only known one another for 5 hours- as a personal favor, keep an eye on my broken girlfriend." Yeah, ok.

Audrey is a Tpye-3 catatonic. With a fifth of gin, we can cure her! Dr. Thinbeard- YOU DON'T KNOW JACK! And he just gave three pages of dialogue in two seconds. So, here we have Nadia and Doyle having their little sexually-charged anger-fueled interaction. I am betting cash-money that they end up together before this season is done.

1:30AM-1:37AM

Slutsky McVeepwhore-- the acting President NEEDS you! Wow, is that guy just a pimp or what? Don't button up that shirt, you 2-minute stud you!

Okay, here is a little NSA subcircuit jibberish with Tom Lennox. Russia, blah blah blah... and WA-POW! Who's the leak? "Lisa Miller, Mr. Acting Vice President, sir!" Ohhhhh, Daniels is gonna burst his carotid artery. HAHAHAHA! Oh, man is this great or what? Daniels is the world's biggest moron ever. Oh, Nancy died- okay, so there is no adultery. Poor Tom Lennox, he looks like he's going to laugh and vomit at the same time. That will be a 24 first!

Back at Arkham Asylum, Jack and Doyle are throwing around some whispers. Doyle is the man. You're in the circle of trust, Mike. Good going! Oh wait, the sleeper hold! I love this show!!! SUCKER PUNCH!!! Do it!!!! Dr. Thinbeard, prepare to be knocked the f&@# out! "Consider yourself lucky" ??? Ehhh, not so good a line. Okay, Jack is back to being "rogue" again. Milo knows what's up- "Nadia, just do what Jack tells you, got that baby?"

1:42AM-1:48AM

How hard is it to get live closed circuit feeds? I've seen mini-marts with better surveillance. Nadia, you are too damned fine. You tell Doyle how you feel. Whoo! Wait, Nadia is going to stop Jack? Yeah... no.

Okay, here's the Jack-Audrey reunion! Seriously, this woman is broken. Audrey Louise Heller, born in the awful city of Albany, NY. Heh, Nadia said "dammit!" So hot...

Okay, Jack is peppering her with questions. Well, if Jack can make Frank N' Beans function to catch Gredenko a few weeks ago, I think he can make this malnourished battered woman speak. Wow, Kiefer is an awesome actor. Seriously, I love this guy. Now, shoot the Dr. Thinbeard. Eh, Audrey speaks. "Bloomfield"? "Rosebud"? NADIA: "Dr. Thinbeard, get yo' stupid self back to my office. And no long-distance phone calls, ya dig?"

Wait, Nadia is giving Jack "her word"? Do all CTU personnel talk like Jack?

1:52AM-2:00AM

Okay, so here's the sting operation with Tom and Noah. Man, this is going to be uncomfortable. Oh, MAN this is uncomfortable. Busted! Lisa, you broke my heart! "He's an acquaintance!" Now, Noah is whispering! That's some good whispering, dude. Noah Daniels is vindicated as a character now. "Baby, you cross me again, you're going to GITMO!" Now, that's how you dump a broad. Awesome.

YES!!!!!!!!!! JAMES HELLER IS IN DA HIZZOUSE!!!!!!!! The Cadillac Man Liveth! Long Live James Heller. So cool, so smooth, so effin' dope. This guy has to be a future president on the show.

Oh, Nadia and Mike are having their after-shool special moment.

Heller and Jack-- here it is. "I don't want you to go anywhere near my daughter ever again." Jack, listen to this man. Seriously, LISTEN to him. He whispers! He's serious! "I'm warning you, stay away. You're cursed, Jack."

THAT IS HOW YOU END AN EPISODE!

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 4

Last time, I mentioned that Jack works at a place called CTU. I also said there were some strange people that worked there. Well, Edgar Stiles would fall into that category. I enjoyed hanging out with Edgar while he blabbered endlessly about ho-hos and his Warcraft skills. Then the fat bastard took a bite out of my head!
Thankfully, Potat....Chloe sprayed him with a water bottle and had some tape handy. I hope I gave him a belly ache.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 16

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

We had your typical pretty good episode of 24 last week. You know, a little plot progression, a little shooting, and some yelling.

This week, Jack's in handcuffs (again). Audrey is crazy and the Russians are back! With Jack Bauer Appreciation Day around the corner, you know a big episode is coming.

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +12 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)

'24' Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Jack Bauer Is the Worst Person in the World
by Keith Olbermann

As I was fitting the ball-gag into the mouth of the $500 an hour hooker I picked up down in SoHo, I suddenly thought about Bill Orally and his fat bitch mouth. So, the Big Giant Head Thinks Liberalism ruined '24.'

Well, big boy, I got news for you. Television hasn't been liberal since One Day at a Time was canceled. Ah, those were the days! Every sitcom was a meaningful commentary about women's empowerment, or alcoholism, or bigotry. Every drama was a manifesto against blood-sucking corporations. And I didn't need 30 hits of ecstasy, a ton of Viagra, and half a case of Mexican horse tranq to last a weekend at Hef's.

To real for you, Ted Baxter, and your right-wing Disneyland world of terrorists and intrigue, where one man stands alone? That's not what television should be about.

In the golden age, television was about butch, scary, middle-aged women having abortions. Television was about jiggly female detectives who demonstrated their empowerment by obeying a disembodied patriarchal voice on a speaker phone. But then, television changed, and suddenly, we got redneck southerners burning precious fossil fuels and defying law enforcement. It's been going to hell ever since. Do you think Cousin Daisy ever thought about feminist empowerment while she was serving Boss Hogg at the Boar's Nest? No, she did not. And that's why you, Tom Wopat, get the bronze as my worse person in the world.

Television should be about about "down for the struggle" Black single parents struggling to keep their families together while living in the projects where they belong. Somehow, those people got the counter-revolutionary idea they could join the upper class and move into my neighborhood. I blame Diff'rent Strokes for this. And that's why you, Conrad Bain, take the silver, as the worser person in in the world.

Television should be about trans-sexual, drug-addicted nymphomaniacs and their right to teach in public schools. Television should be about anti-war Army doctors who sexually harass all the Army nurses and nobody gives a hoot. Television should be about men cheating on their wives and girlfriends and the women being cool with it. Television should be about gay Nazi punk skinheads!

If Phil Donahue were alive, I would totally give him a rim job.

Jack Bauer should be torturing the CEO's of oil companies and HMOs. Jack Bauer should waterboard Dick Cheney and cut off George Dumbya Bush's pinky. Jack Bauer should break Rudy Giuliani's fingers one by one. And Network News should be anchored by pedigreed leftists who cut their teeth reporting sports, not dizzy sluts from morning TV who won't even shake hands with 'Little Keith' when you expose yourself to them in the Ladies Room at 30 Rock.

Liberal television didn't ruin Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer ruined liberal television. That's why you, Jack Bauer, are the Worst Person in the World.

Point: This Season of 24 Sucks, I Blame Liberals.
by Bill O'Reilly

24 Caption Contest

Caption this scene from the last episode of 24.

Any Teri Bauer fans out there? She's getting killed by Nina (again) in this week's semifinal of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at Riding With Ricky. Go check it out!

Next week the carnival moves over to TruthvsMachine. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 3

Look at me! Dude we're getting a Dell!

CTU is where Jack spends some of his time, when he's not "hanging out" or dodging missiles. There are all sorts of strange people who work there. This is Potato Face, oops I mean Chloe and Jack triangulating cross-referenced post-dilated thingamajig's. They ended up running it through Districts system since a mole had corrupted her database. I hate rodents.

JBAD - May 9th

This is a just a not so friendly reminder that Jack Bauer Appreciation Day is May 9th.

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 2

Of course hanging out with Jack can actually mean "hanging" out with Jack. But don't worry. Jack's resourceful. I just wish that my knees bent. My arms are sore. Jacks friends do not "get along and play well with others."

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 1

Flat Stanley recently spent a day with Jack Bauer! Here is the first part of his adventure.

Today I hung out with Jack Bauer. Here is a picture of us running away from a pair of Hellfire missiles fired from a helicopter. Don't worry, the blood on his shirt is not Jack's or mine.
Unfortunately the toy truck in the background didn't make it.

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: This Season of 24 Sucks, I Blame Liberals.
by Bill O'Reilly

Hi, I'm Bill O'Reilly and in tonight's Entertainment segment, I have a beef with the show 24. What's wrong you ask? Well the show sucks, the plots are razor thin, and Audrey is back. Here are the top 2 issues that I see are facing Jack Bauer this season and why liberals are behind them.

Why not torture more? Because the liberal media says so.
The basis of the show is that Jack Bauer could and would torture anyone he could lay his hands on. Now the liberal media has forced CTU to limit it's use and and look where it has gotten us. Instead of torturing Gredenko, they inject a tracking device on him and we almost get nuked. Jack wasn't allowed to torture his own brother without supervision and look where it got us. When this day is over, the people at CTU and division need to respond honestly to this question, and if they can't, explain why.

What is taking Jack so long? Hybrids and Ethanol.
The mystery of how Jack Bauer got from Point A to Point B in LA during a commercial break has never been solved. Hell, last season he changed into a suit with a Windsor knot faster than Palmer can say "you are in good hands". However this season, Jack and CTU have been taking longer to travel relatively short distances. Jack even got caught in traffic, I blame it on the enviro-nutjobs pushing CTU to switch to hybrids and the use of Ethanol. Sure we need to save the planet, but don't make Jack shove corn stalks in his car while trying to prevent nuclear war. I don't care if Sean Penn wants you to switch; going green should not come hand-in-hand with getting nuked.

There you have it. Jack should ditch the hybrids and start torturing to turn this season around. He can start with Audrey.

Remember that I'm Bill O'Reilly and no matter what you say, I'll still be right. What say you?


Counterpoint: Jack Bauer Is the Worst Person in the World
by Keith Olbermann

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 1:00 AM and 12:00 AM

(I was challenged to TivoBlog this episode backwards. I'd like to see that jerk Steve at Dave Barry try this!)

Tock-Tick

Jack watches as Penis Nose spazzes out and babbles nonsense about how she's going to save to world from Global Warming by using only one square of toilet paper. Clearly, she's out of her mind. "What did the Heathen Chinee do to her?"

Jack is furious at Ricky Stratton. "I had this handled. Why the hell didn't you listen to me?" He explains there was enough C-4 in the wall to make the Bates Motel "blow up real good." Ricky Stratton puts the cuffs on Jack and prepares to haul him back to CTU.

Lick Poo seems destined to make his escape with the Russian Chip. Lick Poo shoots down a chopper with a missile. CTU is in hot pursuit of Lick Poo who's in the back seat of a military vehicle getting a hummer, or something like that. Lick Poo runs to the three hummers that are waiting for him behind the hotel.

The teams arive just in time to start shooting things up. Ricky Stratton shoots Jack right in the flak vest. Ricky Stratton sees Penis Nose walking away and knows Jack is about to make the trade. Jack won't give up the chip until Penis Nose is safe. Lick Poo pulls up at the Bates Motel in a rented prom limo as Ricky Stratton watches from a distance.


12:59:59 to 12:51:34
Awana Fuqya takes over CTU. "I am your queen, now, infidels! Bow before me!"

The redshirts come for Chiggy. "We're escorting you off the premises. There'll be a new Director in a few hours. It'll probably be Stratton. You're in charge now," he tells Awana Fuqya. Fuqya consoles him, "Sucks to be you," Chiggy takes Awana Fuqya into his office and tells her ."I'm stepping down as Director of CTU. I was fired."

Ricky Stratton spots a vehicle parked behind an abandoned motel and nose it's Jack's because of the license plate "DAMMIT1" and the bumper-sticker reading "I tortured your Honor Student."
Frau Blucher breaks the news to Chiggy in the most sensitive way possible, "Hey, everybody who still has a job at CTU take one step forward. Not so fast, honey."

Al Bundy visits Chiggy to request a transfer. "RPF and me aren't getting along. Put me anywhere else." "How about women's shoes?" "Fabulous"


12:47:13 to 12:38:53

Jack calls Chiggy Killer. "Just letting you know, I am destroying the chip. And, by the way you've been a real mensch. Oy." Jack, in the Bates motel, works on his shop project. It involves some wires and enough C-4 to produce an explosion greater than all the explosives used by all the terrorists in all the attacks made against the United States under the Clinton administration.

Frau Blucher goes to Weasel Cage for advice on what to do, throw Chiggy under the bus to save herself, or vice versa. Weasel Cage tells her "Girlffriend, he's holding you back. Lose that Zero and get yourself a hero!"

He kicks them out and gets to work. Jack opens one of the rooms of the motel and finds 854 illegal immigrants living in it. Jack pulls up at the Bates motel, parks his Toyota Tundra around the back, and grabs his man-purse.


12:33:34 to 12:28:14

Bernie Mac lays it down for Frau Blucher. "Someone's gonna burn for this. You or Chiggy. Take your pick." Rodent Boy is breaking down like Nancy Kerrigan. "Frau Blucher is covering up for Chiggy Killer. He had Sameer Nagonaworkhere and he let him go." "He is such a weasel," Frau Blucher blurts out. Frau Blucher is meeting with Bernie Mac.

Al Bundy storms off, RPF apologizes ineffectually for taking their cat fight too far. RPF and Al Bundy are going at it like Peg Bundy and Al Bundy. "How come you can't satisfy me in bed, Al?" "How come you can't cook, Peg?" "How come you programmed nuclear warheads for terrorists, Al?" RPF gives up and sends the files to Kemper for decryption. Al Bundy and PRF, still bickering. Awana Fuqya tells RPF to check all the calls on all the cell towers Jack might have used.

Ricky Stratton looks at the tire tracks and determines Jack must be on the 305. Also, "Many men come this way, nine horses, two days ago!"


12:23:55 to 12:14:42

Jack calls Lick Poo. "Change in plan, now you have to meet me at the Bates Motel." Lick Poo agrees.

Weasel Cage and JJ agree that they have a lot in common, and decide that their relationship might just work out after all. JJ's first official act is to threaten Weasel Cage. "It concerns me that you have been committing perjury and conspiracy. I don't think that that is behavior befitting the acting president of the United States." JJ chuckles. "What? Did you sleep through the 90's or something?" JJ prepares to seize the reigns of power, and the whips and chains, too, but enough about him and Ann Coulter.

Ricky Stratton keeps following Jack, but with Jack's space-folding ability, it's almost impossible to keep up with him.

Al Bundy and Jack bicker once again. Jack ditches the tracking base under some power lines. Al Bundy loses the tracking signal on Jack Bauer.

Chiggy informs CTU that Jack has gone rogue, which is naturally what happend when he tastes human blood. Ricky calls Chiggy to tell him he screwed up. Ricky Stratton then turns to car-jacking. He knew all that time hanging out with Todd Bridges wasn't wasted.

12:10:17 to 12:00:00

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Semifinals

Hi, the name is William Shatner and we have a very special episode of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. Do you like a good cat fight?

I cannot hear you. I asked if you like a good cat fight?

For round 2 we will have a Q&A Session with each of the ladies and then let you vote on who should stay and who should go.

In Round 1, Nina dispatched of Audrey with extreme prejudice. When the smoke settled, Nina advanced easily (78%-22%). Here is what a few of you wrote about Nina Myers :
deathlok - I think this one is tough. . .I mean Nina could kill you in your sleep, but then again if Audrey rolled over in her sleep she could kill you with a nose through the eye.
Wyatt - GO NINA GO!!!
yeah him - Nothing like an evil demon harpie woman to really arouse the loins... my vote is out there for Nina.

Poor Teri Bauer had to amp up the charm to make it past the hottest terrorist to ever last 3 episodes, Collete Stenger. After an sudden-death run-off, Teri pulled through (51%-49%). Here is what a few of you had to say about Teri:
steveggg - Now, the question is, will Jack kill me if I vote for Teri or will he kill me if I don't vote for Teri?
lbob - Vote Teri
yankz - Teri's only redeeming quality is that she proves Jack Bauer is like Hercules or something. Only his genes could combine with someone as fug as Teri's to produce the (physical) perfection that is Kim.

Speaking of Kim. Cougar-bait moved on to the Final Four with a 54%-46% win over Mandy. Click Here for an updated bracket.

Now let's get to the T&A session. Whoa, I mean Q&A.

Shatner: Teri, how do you feel about Jack fathering a child with another contestant.
Teri Bauer: Well he would've had another child if it were not for that skank-mole Nina Myers.
(Teri reaches over and pimp slaps Nina)

Shatner: Whoa ladies, Shatner likes! Nina...
Nina: hold on a second lard ass.
(Nina reaches over and pimp slaps Teri)
Shatner: Ohhh yeah!
Nina: Are you going to ask a question or do you need to get slapped?
Shatner: Can I get a little slap?

Which one of these cougars will reach the next round? That is for you to decide.

Who moves on to the Final Four? Nina Myers Teri Bauer Click Here for results

The Carnival of Bauer

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (4/25). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (4/26).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Riding With Ricky. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Live Blog 12:00-1:00AM

Hi, I'm Jack Bauer and I'll be your host tonight on the Jack Bauer Power Hour.

Here's a picture of my daughter, look at it and I'll cut your eyes out and take a wiz in your ocular cavity:

Before we get things started, here are some discussion topics:
-Should Audrey get a silent clock?
-What crappy news story is Fox5NY working on tonight? Also, is Toni the anti-christ?
-Chinese, Arabs, Russians. What is the next ethnic group to face Jack's wrath?

I bet you're asking how I plan on live blogging while transporting highly sensitive nuclear components to angry Chinese, while CTU tries to twart me. Well with Jack Sack Lite, I have been reunited with my Treo 650 which makes phone calls, blows up terrorists, and also allows me to liveblog from the road.

12:00am
-O'Doyle runs like a girl and commandeers cars like one too.
"Jack Bauer has gone rouge count": 1
-Morris climbs stairs like a girl.
-Milo cross references sattelite uplinks like a girl.
-President Palmer, always watched FoxNews. VP Daniels is a CNB type-of-guy. They should have thought that out before they made the ticket.
Question: How many times has Weasel "given his word" this season?

12:10 (Commercial Break)
Chew on this: Jack drives a Toyota, the Chinese drive an American car.

12:14
-President Daniels "is" looking to get some Oval Office action....
"Go grab a cigar, I'll put on my ball gag" Did they really just say that?
-Nadia bosses people around like a girl.
-Does Morris know that Chloe has shot 2 people over the past few seasons?
-Another black dude on 24? How will they kill him off?
zzzzzzzzzzz wake me when the filler is done.

12:23 (Commercial Break)
Random midget Claritan commercial. Does he have to break the pills in half?
Chew on this: The President's "chief of staff" was on a show called "Shark".
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

12:28
-The music tells me something is about to happen.
-JACK SACK!!!!
-Nadia almost cracked a smile while talking to Doyle. I guess thoughts of him riding his little electric train would make even the hardest bitch crack a smile.
-Boobie trap set. Boobie...heh.
-Jack gets an answering machine? What the hell?

12:34 (Commercial Break)
For those of you new to 24, it's now coming up to 45 minutes past the hour. That means the shooting is about to start. It's 24 Law.
-Window puppet shows are illegal in New York? I smell 24-Season 8.
-bRight & Early ate Taco Bell before the show, so he's not going to make it to the shooting scene. Thankfully for people like him can, you can recap the show tomorrow with VtheK's TiVO Recap.

12:38
-Is someone counting how many times the word "resignation" has been used tonight? My guess = 12 times.
-Karen just fired her husband? Bill took the news like a girl. Bill is going to go rouge.
-Did they just make the Muslim the acting director of CTU? She has only been there like 17 hours or something and has already been accused of being a mole. Come to think of it, she's perfect.
Chew on this: No CTU guards wearing white shirts have been killed this season.

12:47 (Commercial Break)
I get sick to the stomach anytime I see a preview for a Nicolas Cage movie.
Useless Fox5NY 24 Story: "A Big shocker to end the season, we check on the set for hints" - isn't this the same news team who decried spoilers a few weeks ago?

12:51
Cue Kill Counter
Audrey looks like hell. Which is saying a lot because she wasn't that hot to begin with.
(Jack is thinking): If he calls me Mr. Bower one more time....
-Jack is down!!! Again.
-Bang
-Bang
Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo) = 4 points
-Speaking of hummers, where is the president?

Jack has been in handcuffs more times that Tennessee Titans Cornerback PacMan Jones. Google him if that just went over your head.
-Not Audrey? Chopper down. Jack's plan is not looking so good.

12:59....1am

Next week:
Audrey bot....Russian spy...Jack yells.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 15

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Last week was a transition episode that put the Chinese on Jack's list of the next ethnic group to be added to the kill counter this season. If there are any Swedes out there, you're next.

Like April showers bringing May flowers, a transition production brings death and destruction. Will Audrey get a silent clock? Will Bacardi and Lite Beer make up? Will yet another CTU tac team get blasted?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +12 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)

We Can Help

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Cross Posted from Blogs.4Bauer.com

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Who You Callin' a Ho? Cracker!
by Cynthia McKinney

Mr. Don Imus, you have insulted the Sistuh-hood for the last time! You bes' lay off my home girl, Sherry Palmer (Man, that Sherry Palmer is outta sight! She's been there, done that, met just about every kind of cat!) -- before I get my groove back all over yo' ass.

Feel my pimp hand! It's got my Boost Mobile cellular phone in it, too! Mm-hmm, I tell you where you at! You up my butt and 'round the corner, that's where you at, white boy! Don't look at me in that tone of voice! I can keep this up all night and not feel no ways tired! Mm-Hmm.

Noah Daniels is the key to all o' this, mmm-hmmm. Why else would a fine outstanding, clean and articulate soul brother like Dwayne Palmer put his cracker ass on a national ticket instead of a soul- sister like Maxine Waters. (Hey Girlfriend! I see you! No justice no peace! Mm-Hmm.) Or Sheila Jackson-Lee, who put our astronauts on Mars already! That's right, we got the Martian Sistuh-hood now, so don't you miss with us, Mr. Don Cracker Imus.

Where was I at? Oh, yeah, Noah Daniels. Cracker-in-Chief. Why was he on the Dwayne Palmer ticket? Let me spell it out for you. J-O-O-S! It always leads back to the J-O-O-S.

Noah Daniels. Don Imus. The J-O-O-S. It all makes perfect sense when you think about it. Just ask Al Sharpton.

24 Caption Contest

Caption this scene from 24.

Make sure to cast your vote in the Kim-Mandy Death-match. After around 500 votes, Kim holds a slight lead.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

Welcome back to The Carnival of Bauer!!!, the only carnival dedicated to Jack Bauer and all things 24 (no matter how trivial). On that note, make sure you vote in the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest, this week Kim Bauer and Mandy are doing battle for a shot at the Final Four.

These are dark days for Fox and America. Not because Sanjaya was voted off of American Idol. Not because their new show Drive has Commander-in-Chief-esq ratings. No, it's because Jack Bauer wrapped things up early this season (maybe Snake Plissken's rantings got to him). With a 7 hours of filler left and Kim Bauer's return still six episodes away, what's Jack to do with himself? Sleep or sit on the can for the next 6 hours?

One thing is for sure, The Carnival of Bauer!!! will not take the next 7 hours off. This Friday, the carnival will be the featured carnival over at Blog Carnival.

Well enough about us, let's see what the blogs had to say this week.

The best weekly recap of 24 has to be VtheK's TiVO Recap here at Blogs4Bauer.

Seriously, enough about us. Here's what other 24-fan blogs had to say this week:

Magic Lamp recaps the latest episode in the usual funny way. Cheers for a fellow Audrey-hater.

Has 24 jumped the shark when Real Estate blogs start posting recaps? If not, check out this recap by Rich Jacobson and his Real Estate blog.

The Jack Sack is BACK! The fellow B4B member post his interview with the Jack Sack on what (and who) it's been doing and the new, slimmer look.

Check out the Sour Bauer Power Hour that notes the presence of a transitional episode, but a pretty good one for transitions. However they throw out some absurd theories like Chloe is a mole. Have you seen her poker face? She would not be a good mole.

Amy Vernon (last week's host), notes that Chloe dropped a "Dammit". Geeks around the world collectively took a shot of Red Bull. Count Amy as an Audrey-hater.

Doug at Below the Beltway bemoans the addition of Ricky Stratton to the cast of 24 and notes the writers are recycling plot line. Doug, they are called plot-offsets and they make sure the show it plot-neutral, you can blame Al Gore for that. Doug does not like Audrey either. Is anyone keeping count?

Do you want a recap that includes references to Patrick Ewing and Small Wonder? How about some You Tube clips and a count of how many times Jack Bauer has mentioned his own name (42)? Well then get your nappy-head over to KyleBrandt.com for his weekly recap.

Jam Hot gives this episode a 7 out of 10 in their recap and is looking forward to the next episode.

While I have not been called it, I am also a 24 Whore. Signs you are a 24 Whore: telling your boss that you cannot work late on Mondays, reminding your wife that 2 and a Half Men is on at 9pm over and over again, and starting a website called Blogs4Bauer. Anyway, check out 24 Whore's answer to if Logan is coming back.

When JWookie is not getting his clock cleaned by myself in fantasy baseball or football, he's watching 24. So before he goes out and picks up the KC Royals third-baseman Mark Teahan (who I just dropped on the waiver wire), check out his 24 Moment of Zen.

Finally, one of my favorite sites to visit on Wednesdays is 24 in 24. Check out the latest comic-book recap of 24.

I want to thank everyone who has submitted posts to this carnival and previous Carnivals of Bauer!!! Creating and hosting a carnival is a lot of work, we really appreciate everyone who helps make this a really successful carnival every week. Because sometimes, watching 24 is a lot of work.

If you would like to host one of our few remaining Carnivals of Bauer!!! send Jack Bauer an email.

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: Nuke the bastards, let Buddha sort them out
by Don Imus

Jack Bauer has it all wrong. He shouldn't get his man-boobs in a tizzy because of that dong-nosed broad Audrey. We have the Russian nukes, lets use em on those Asain bastards and let Buddha sort them out.

Sorry Jack, Audrey is a dog. I don't believe that she went to China looking for you. Hell, I don't think she could find China on a map if her huge honker nose was pointed at it, let alone plan a rescue operation. It appears she stuck her nose in someplace it didn't belong and now is your chance to kill two birds with one nuke.

Good work on those Islamic terrorists Jack, it's good know there was a run on virgins over the past few hours. I think Allah had to round up 432 virgins in the last couple of hours alone. I've been to LA and I know finding one is pretty hard to do.

Now that we have their nukes, lets use 'em before CTU loses 'em. With 7 hours left, you know CTU will just screw up a handover or a mole will just walk on out with them. Come on Jack put them to good use on those rotten Chinese. Give them a delivery they will not soon forget!

The beautiful part is they're Russian-made nukes, so the ching-chong Chinese will probably think the Russians were all goofed up on vodka and bear sex, let the briefcase nukes get stolen...well I just don't give a crap, let them think the snukes ended up in that nappy headed ho Sandra Palmer's snitch for all I care. Just blow those rice-eaters to the stone age with their Arab buddies.

Oh, could you call Al Sharpton and let him know there's a news conference at the site beforehand?

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Semifinals

Hi, I am William Shatner and you know what time it is? No, not time to talk about Don Imus. It's time for the first semifinal match-up in the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest!

We have narrowed the field down from 15 ladies and Audrey down to only 8. The winners of this round will face off in The Final Four.

Here are the lucky 8:
Kim Bauer
Mandy
Nadia Yassir
Martha Logan
Nina Myers
Teri Bauer
Marilyn Bauer
Chloe O'Brian

For round 2 we will have a Q&A Session with each of the ladies and then let you vote on who should stay and who should go.

The first match-up is between hotties Kim Bauer and Mandy. Let's take a look back at how each of these ladies got to Round 2.

In Round 1, Kim had a little trouble with the haters and Diane Huxley. Huxley almost pulled an upset, but Kim pulled it out (51%-49%). Here is what some people said about Kim:
Timmay - Dating a New York Ranger (Sean Avery), gotta support my team
Yeah Him - she was really hot in the first season
bob - She's not only the most annoying character in the history of television, she also doesn't know anything about hockey -- AND she's illiterate.

Mandy dispatched of Sherry Palmer easily (81%-19%) and here is what a few people had to say about Mandy:
Wyatt - Mandy = Giggity!
lou - No contest
anonymous - If this is even close, there is something very wrong with the readers of this blog.

Now let's get to the T&A session. Whoa, I mean Q&A.

Shatner: Kim, if you had to pick a role model who would that be and why?
Kim Bauer: My Dad, because he is Jack Bauer.
Mandy:...and I should have killed him when I had a chance.

Shatner: Whoa ladies! Mandy, this question is for you. What is the strangest place you have, you know, done "it".
Mandy: That would probably be in the bathroom of flight 221, we were...
Shatner: Ohhh yeah! Tell me more!
Mandy: Well after we were done I killed a stewardess and blew up the airplane.
Shatner: Yikes. Too much information.

Shatner: Kim, you are stuck in a room with a pair of pliers, a rabid mountain lion, and a stick of gum. What do you do?
Kim: Call my dad, Jack Bauer.
Mandy: I should cut you right now.

Shatner: Ladies, ladies. Lets just skip the talent portion and go straight to the voting.

Who moves on to the Final Four? Kim Bauer Mandy Click here for the results

Fox 5 NY has Jumped the Shark

Fans of 24 who live in the New York area have to put up with a weekly scourge that robs us of sleep and forces us to sit through 4 weather reports and even the business news. It's Toni's weekly useless 24 story time!

Every week during 24, around 45 minutes past the hour a teaser for a 24-related story on the 10pm newscast is aired, typically they end up just being interviews with Jack or viewers moaning about spoilers. Every now-and-then their teasers get me to watch the news hoping to find out if Jack is going to die or if Kim Bauer will come back.

This week the useless 24 story segment really jumped the shark. Really.

"Being dead on 24 does not always mean your dead. What characters are next on the comeback list, find out next"

Is it Tony? Is it? Tell me now, I don't want to hear about the weather in New Jersey, dammit!

"With Audrey coming back, who else could be resurrected on 24? Find out Next"

Could Soul Patch be coming back? I mean he didn't get a silent clock.

No.

I waited until the end of the newscast and Toni listed three dead characters and questioned if they could make a comeback. Edgar, President Logan, and Curtis. I shit you not. I almost threw the remote control at my dog's head. To top it off, they come to the conclusion with their "24 expert" that none of those 3 have a chance at a comeback. So the whole story was not just a crock. No, it was a big crock of crap with a cherry on top. Screw you Toni.

Click Here to see the craptastic story. Check out the one called 4/16/07 Resurrection!

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM

11:00:00 to 11:11:14
The hour begins with a little tender male bonding between Jack and Ricky Stratton: "Jack, I know you've been through Hell, and I want you to know, I respect you, man, and everything you did. Hey, if you're not doing anything later, wanna come back to my place and watch figure-skating?"

But Jack has to take a call from the Heathen Chinee intelligence officer, Lick Poo. Lick Poo will swap Penis-Nose for the arming chips on the nuclear devices, which somehow contain the entire key to all of Russia's defense systems. If Jack refuses, the Heathen Chinee will whack off Penis Nose.

Back in DC, President Belushi isn't looking so good, but he can't step down, not with Jim Jones ready to burst through the wall with a hearty "Oh, Yeah!" So, Weasel Cage offers him a way out and tells him about the tape where Jim Jones refers to Cynthia McKinney Belushi as a "Nappy Headed Ho." But then, Frau Blucher bursts into the Batcave with good news: "The Heathen Chinee are gonna kill Penis Nose!"

While Chiggy Killer gives a hearty speech praising the surviving CTU staff for finding the nukes, for going 16 hours without a mole, and reminding them that "next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans."

RPF gets a call from Jack asking for the specs to the nucular bombs so he can swap them for Penis Nose. Chloe hesitates, "Jack, we both know that would result in an international incident... besides, shouldn't you be with the mother of your child? Patsy Ramsey?" Jack assures her that he'll never let those "yellow bastards" get their hands on the chip. RPF tries to get the specs off Al Bundy's workstation, but it takes a while as she sorts through his collection of foot fetish pr0n. Finally, she gets the specs to Jack just in the nick of time.

11:15:28 to 11:25:02
Jim Belushi calls Jim Jones in the Oval Office. "Look, JJ, I think you're great and everything... but I just think we should both see other Chief Executives for a while." JJ replies, more or less, "Bite my angry, Bob-Dole-like, ass." JB tries to be conciliatory: "Now, don't make this hard. We can still be friends." But ends up threatening to release the "nappy headed ho" tape to Al Sharpton. JJ concedes.

At CTU, Al Bundy spots the system hacking because he had installed a key-logger when no one was looking. RPF confesses. "All right, I did it to help Jack, but it's cool. Jack promised that he probably won't give the triggers to the Chinese." Al Bundy disagrees, "But I feel really bummed about helping the terrorists with those codes, I'm gonna narc you out." "Never mind, I'll narc myself out." RPF goes to Chiggy's office to confess in person.

Back where the bombs are, Jack tries to intimidates the Marines into letting him pass by making his fur stand on end and hissing at them. He succeeds, but then while he is removing the circuit board. Light Beer (Ricky Stratton) appears, and puts Jack (once again) in handcuffs. Jack has spent more time in handcuffs this season than Dick Morris at a bondage convention.

11:28:15 to 11:34:28
Jack talks to President Belushi to get permission to swap the nucular trigger for Penis Nose. "As Janet Reno once said, Mr President, you owe me, bitch." After Jack promises to load the chip with C-4 and go "Allah Akhbar" if Lick Poo tries to take it, the president reluctantly agrees.

11:38:42 to 11:47:52
Jack asks Ricky Stratton for help. "I need you to help me with Audrey's extraction. The Heathen Chinee are very crafty." Jack also has a score to settle with Lick Poo, who tortured him while he was in China. Jack promises, "When we're done, the chip will be destroyed, and Lick Poo will be dead."

Chloe and Al Bundy have a spat, but no one cares.

Ricky Stratton isn't thrilled to be along for the ride, and thinks Jack should kick Penis Nose to the curb. "I don't mix relationships with my job, Jack. Not since I lost my virginity to Erin Grey, anyway."

Back in DC, JJ tells Ann Coulter, "The President asked me to resign, and I'm going to." Ann Coulter doesn't like it, "That faggot? I'll scratch his eyes out and convert him to Christianity!" JJ takes her hand and tells her not to worry. "Hey, forget it, after I resign, I am gonna bone you like Snoop Dogg." They go to watch the president's midnight press conference. Zombie President Belushi yammers on about national healing and whatnot and at first no one notices he's babbling like Jessica Savitch. But then he suffers a seizure, and passes out. At first, the press applauds his Chevy Chase impression, but they realize something is wrong when JJ runs to the podium, spikes a football, and does a dance in the End Zone.

11:52:04 to 11:59:59
In the White House, the physician has, during the commercial break, diagnosed a stroke, sent the president to Bethesda Naval Hospital for an MRI, and cooked a Hot Pocket in his microwave. With JJ's in charge again, Ann Coulter checks the calendar and spots the presidential directive authorizing Jack's covert action. JJ thinks its a bad idea. "She bought her ticket. She knew the risks. I say, let her crash!"

Chiggy calls Doyle, and tells him to stand down the operation. "I need you to divert Jack from the freeway to a tactical team that will take him down" Doyle nods, "Roger that."

"Who was that?" Jack asks. "Oh, nobody. By the way, Jack, we can't take the 118. There's been an accident. A semi-truck full of eggs hit a truck full of cheese; there's quiche everywhere." Jack doesn't buy it, he pulls a gun. "I blew away Cola, I can sure as Hell blow away Light Beer." He tells Doyle, "Put out or Get Out."

Since he actually just meant, "get out," Jack leaves him by the side of the road.

Tick-Tock

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (4/19). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (4/18).

This week, the Carnival returns to Blogs4Bauer. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

The Return of THE JACK SACK!!!

After 17 hours of waiting, Jack Bauer has been reunited with his trusty manpurse- The Jack Sack. Below is 'ol Sacky in his own words, rejoicing in the moment:

YEAH BABY!!!!

Gen. Douglas A. MacArthur said "I shall return" and that is what I've done tonight! After 2 years of a Chinese prison, after 17 hours of tracking down Abu Fayed and his rag-tag bunch of bumbling nuke-carting jackbirds, Jack Bauer has been reunited with me, his loyal protector and all-purpose fashionable utility bag- The Jack Sack!

This has been a very difficult day for us all, myself included. I remember watching my friend, The Black Sack, die earlier this day. And I recall seeing Jack pop in and out of CTU, walking right past me, oblivious to my very existence. I have to say, I felt dejected. And then I saw Jack talking with that floozy, Marilyn. I was about to pack myself up and move to West Virginia, when I heard the news: Audrey is dead. That settled it, I wasn't going anywhere... I decided to stand with the best friend I've ever known.

As Jack made his final push to kill the terrorists, I organized a fresh supply of C4 and ammo clips. The other sacks were rolling their straps at me-- "Where do you think you're going, fella?" they asked me. They believed the crisis was over once the nukes were secured. But I knew better. And when the call came in-- that the Chinese were back in play and Audrey was alive-- that's when I took the first chopper over to Jack's position in the field. I introduced myself to that "sackless" punk Mike Doyle and he brought me to Jack. When my canvas strap was slung over Jack's shoulder, it was like all that unpleasantness of the past 17 hours just... dissolved in a murky memory of nothingness.

And now, Jack and I have gone rogue. That means that we will stop at nothing to finish the job. Due Process, habeas corpus, the Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights- these are of no concern to us. What we seek is sweet, bloody justice. And we shall have our revenge.

Don't even think of getting in our way. Copy that?

Shameless Self-Promotion

Liveblogging 11 PM - 12 AM

That's right, folks, RFTR is back in action.

And I promise this time I won't leave halfway through to be replaced by the person whose turn I stole. We'll get started in just about 20 minutes.

Until then, here's a little gift from me to you:

And here we go.

I didn't watch Drive yet tonight, so no one ruin anything in the comments. Let's just leave it at: last night's episodes rocked.

11:00 PM - He needs to get to a hospital? The only reason jack would go into a hospital is if there was a terrorist there he needed to torture.

11:02 - Now the Chinese want the nukes. Didn't they see The Departed? Jack's just going to give them fakes.

And they want access to all Russian defense technology? Isn't that just, like, an underpaid guy and some rusty hardware?

11:04 - No she's not alright, she's still got a penis nose!

11:06 - So the U.S. military objected this season to Jack's use of torture. Think they'll object to him killing a few U.S. soldiers?

11:08 - Oh no, Jack's talking to Chloe in secret. That's never good news.

11:09 - Chloe's worried about an international incident? Since when?

Ads - Snowboarders have AmEx cards now? What happened to exclusivity?

11:15 - I'm pretty sure that gash on the President's face would have been bandaged and oozing all kinds of nasty crap.

11:17 - "How dare you?"??? Is he really surprised that Palmer wants his resignation? "Sorry I tried to have you declared mentally incompetent. Still friends?"

11:19 - All Chloe has to do is tell him that she did it. Spouses can't testify against each other, right? Are they married, or am I misremembering that?

11:21 - Here we go, another CTU employee doubting Jack. That always works well, right? I know, let's contain Jack with a perimeter.

11:22 - She's totally not going to tell Chiggy.

11:23 - Only Jack Bauer could turn a heavily-guarded warehouse into his own personal jungle gym. And the helicopter's ETA is 15 minutes? If Jack needed it, it would have been there yesterday.

11:24 - Remind me the next time I need a tank to claim I'm a federal agent, never flash any credentials, and insist that it's under Presidential order.

11:25 - Ooh. That'll cause a headache. M-16s do not feel good against the side of the head.

Ads - Anyone out there? The comments seem rather quiet tonight. Am I that boring?

If I'm not entertaining you enough, then maybe you should read a more interesting blog instead.

11:29 - Jack's chained. Time for some vampire action. "I had to subdue him," um, no, you had a soldier do it. Pussy.

11:32 - If it's so easy for Jack to get to the President, why didn't he ask for his help before trying to go rogue? Also, I'll say it again, why do people doubt Jack so often?

11:33 - A C-4 Charge will take out anything within 30 feet? Um, doesn't that depend upon the amount of C-4?

Ads - Jack had better start shooting people soon. I'm falling asleep over here.

11:39 - Ooooooh. Doyle's giving Jack orders now. Maybe if he acted a bit less like a little bitch about the whole thing he'd seem a little more intimidating. That being said, Jack just asked him to partner up—which means he's going to be dead sometime in the next few hours.

11:42 - Of course she'll hold it over his head. She's a woman. She screws up, and it's his fault. This is network TV, people, men are evil. Don't forget it.

11:43 - He has half an hour? Jeez, he could be in Milwaukee in half an hour.

11:44 - Doyle doesn't mix relationships with his job, but I bet he'd boink Nadia if given the chance.

11:45 - This VP's chief of staff is way hotter than Scooter Libby. But also not any better of a liar.

The VP is no less attracted to her than Cheney is to Scooter, though.

11:46 - "Their dedication has helped bring this crisis to an end... and now I'm going to help in starting up another one right out of a Tom Clancy novel." Oh dear.

The worst has passed--until the Chinese get a hold of Russian technology.

11:47 - President is about to take a spill on live TV. Awesome. Totally stroking out.

Ads - By the way, in honor of Imus, I'm liveblogging in a cowboy hat.

11:52 - You mean they don't have an MRI in the White House?

"There's no denying that this is a great tragedy for the President—and f-ing sweet for me!"

11:53 - This president has got to trust Jack, right? No, of course not. No one does.

11:54 - "Even Jack Bauer can't guarantee that outcome"? Has Jack Bauer ever let anyone down? Well, okay, his wife—but Nina was hotter anyway!

11:58 - "I shot a friend of mine today because I had to. I would shoot you just for the fun of it. I haven't gotten ass in like 2 years, and if I set Audrey free, I'm sure to get laid. So get out of my way."

11:59 - Jack goes against the White House all the time. Don't tell him what he can't do.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 14

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Last week Jack decided to take things into his own hands. In a matter of seconds, Jack saved the world (again) by finding the nukes and killing off all the terrorists he could find.

There's one problem. Jack finished off this day with 7 hours left on the 24 hour timer. What will Jack do to fill the time?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +12 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)

Miss Blogs4Bauer Runoff

The votes have been counted and after 1,050 votes, the Chloe-Michelle winner is. No one. A Sanjaya-esq campaign of Chloe fans propelled RPF into a stalemate with Michelle Dessler. The vote goes on!

The final tally will be announced sometime during our live-blog tonight. Tune in around 9pm for liveblogging and our new B4B Drinking game, drink every time someone mentions a shark and/or Kim Bauer.

So get your vote on (again). The Round 2 match up of Kim Bauer and Mandy will be posted Tuesday.

Who should move on? Michelle Dessler Chloe O'Brian

24 Caption Contest

Caption this scene from 24.

Make sure that you go and vote in the final Round 1 match-up in the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. After 700 votes, Chloe has edged ahead of Michelle Dessler (54-46%).

Check back on Monday to see who moves on to Round 2, also on Monday Kim Bauer takes on Mandy in our first quarterfinal match.

Letters to Jack

Instead of a Point/Counterpoint this week, we have something a little different. It appears that our haranguing of Audrey Raines and her nose that's shaped like male genitalia has rankled has upset a Blogs4Bauer fan named Sally (if that is her real name).

Check out what she has to say and then post your reply in the comments.

In defense of Audrey Raines

I am a regular reader of Blogs4Bauer. I love it, I really do. But I must speak up in defense against this relentless trashing of the Audrey.

And here's why.

Granted, Audrey was rather spineless and annoying in Season 4, but she was a policy girl— pampered, protected, and helped along in life by a good dose of nepotism. Not a character building scenario by any stretch. She meets Jack, who she thinks is just like her. Then she finds out he isn't. And then some.

Cue: Paul, bullet, widowhood…when Audrey's world is turned upside down, she flips out like any self-respecting princess would. See, I am fully aware of her faults.

What redeems her is her emotional growth in Season 5. She gets a big dose of home truths from Diane Huxley about accepting Jack for who he is. Okay, I have to admit that Diane is probably the better pairing for Jack—she meets him at his level and they'd probably have a blast together, but I like Audrey for the fact that she brings out the softer side of Jack. Now before you grab your barf bag, hear me out—especially since it's very difficult typing to the sound of exaggerated retching.

Without a tender side, Jack would be just a killing machine. Who wants to cuddle with the Terminator, ya know? Female viewers want their heroes tough when it's necessary, but sweet and thoughtful, too. The writers of the show have done a good job showing both sides of Jack. By adding the rescue of a damsel in distress to the story arc, they keep the female side of the audience well and truly hooked.

The fact that Jack might go back to China to rescue Audrey already has me salivating for Season 7. Plus it proves she's grown to the point of not just acceptance, but of laying it all on the line to find him. So give the girl a break. She's good for Jack. Trust me.

And if this doesn't convince you below, I give up:

A penis nose:


Kim Raver:


I rest my case.

Thanks Sally. I would disagree that Jack has a tender side. The man has an iron taint for Pete's sake. Sure he lets himself get close to women, but that is only because they are either currently a mole or will probably become a mole later in the day. Jack is like a pissed off Rambo (Part 1), a pure psychopath with no people skills whatsoever.

Sure Kim got Jack to dress in a suit. Kim got him a nice desk job at the DoD. But just when Kim thought she had cleaned him up, well she let her ex-husband get in the way of Jack Bauer and saving the world so Jack added Paul to the Kill Counter faster than you can say "fish -n- chips".

She also has a very weak brachial artery. As for Jack going to China, well that would be cool only if it was to finish what Christopher Henderson started. Oh and her nose is shaped like a penis.

Previously on Blogs4Bauer
Point: My home is not a KinderCare - Audrey
Counterpoint: Keep Your Big Nose Out Of This! - Jack Bauer

Point: Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - Dr. Phil
Counterpoint: Audrey, stand by your man! - Mary Jo Buttafuoco

If you have an issue with Blogs4Bauer or 24 in general (I'm talking to you Steveggg). Please send Jack Bauer an email and we'll post it for others to make fun of or...whatever.

The Carnival has posted!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted over at Remote Access. Go check it out!

Next week the carnival moves over to TruthvsMachine. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

A Message From Debbie Pendleton

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM

10:00:00 to 10:11:04
Yee-hah! Slim Pickens is riding the missile straight into Durkadurkastan! Fixin' to unleash some bottled sunshine. Frau Blucher and Weasel Cage are desperate to stop the missiles. Frau Blucher begs Chiggy to lie and say Jack is getting dirt from Nagonaworkhere, but Chiggy won't lie.

In full-blown panic, the ambassador from Durkadurkastan reports that his government has taken General Heebiejeebi into custody for working with Sameer Nagonaworkhere's terrorist cell. Zombie President Belushi aborts the missile. Now knowing the Durkadurkastanis have been lying the whole time, and the whole thing was a bluff it wasn't a real missile it was a dummy warhead (Demond Wilson was strapped to the nosecone.)

Back in El Lay, Jack pounds Nagonaworkhere like cheap veal, but Nagonaworkhere won't talk. Ricky Stratton wants to take a turn with him.


Ricky Stratton: "You think you're gonna be some knd of martyr. I don't think so, punk."
Nagonaworkhere: "I serve the will of God."
Ricky Stratton (putting a gun to Nagonaworkhere's head): "Let's try out that theory."

Jack stops Ricky Stratton and books the David Crosby suite at Betty Ford to hook up Nagonaworkhere to some chemical persuasion.

10:15:32 to 10:22:54
Weasel Cage brings Heebiejeebi's permanent record from elementary school. Zombie President Belushi is pleased. "Ha! Ran with scissors! I knew it!" Weasel apologizes for not trusting ZPB's judgment, and Belushi apologizes for not being more sensitive to Weasel Cage's feelings. ZPB says, "We all learned something here today." You know how I can tell ZPB and WC are gay? Because they hold each other oh so tenderly.

Naturally, the armored van is rammed by an armored truck on the way back to CTU. A bunch of thugs bust out of the armored truck and come at Jack and Ricky Stratton with machine guns. Jack uses his sidearm and manages to take out a couple before the bullet with his name on it finds him and leaves him sprawled on the pavement. As soon as Jack and Ricky are down, the thugs hustle off with Nagonaworkhere.

Jacks lies dead on the pavement. Then he rises as Zombie Jack Bauer. He informs CTU that the "rescue" of Nagonaworkhere went off as planned. Then, Zombie Bacardi turns to Zombie Light Beer and says, "Ricky you're bleeding... and your brains smell delicious." Ricky insists that it's minor.

As the armored van speeds away, a middle eastern man informs Nagonworkhere, "General Heebijeebi sent us. He wants us to help you rendezvous with your men." "Give me your gun," Nagonaworkhere demands, and then demands to talk to Heebijeebi directly.

10:27:23 to 10:37:32 Chiggy recaps the previous segment for the benefit of Zombie President Belushi and anyone else who was tuning in late or was too stupid to figure it out. (You know, like people who watch 'The View.') Chiggy and Zombie President Belushi to arrange for Heebijeebi to call in. The Durkadurkastani ambassador grovels in gratitude for the president not making baked glass out of the desert. Now, Frau Blucher starts talking tough, "That's not good enough, you lying sack of crap." "It's not lying, it's taqiyya, and besides, we even arrested his family. What else do you want from us?" ZPB suggests: "Well, could you shoot them... or at least fake it like Jack did in Season 2."

Back at CTU, Kemper is all pissy because he thinks Awana Fuqya likes Ricky Stratton better than him. Fuqya insists that she's only being nice because she likes hanging around Ricky's dad's mansion, which is stocked with arcade video games and has a scale model train. Al Bundy here's them arguing, and offers Kemper some words of wisdom. "Women, can't live with them... the end."

As the Durkadurkastani's hold a gun to his son's head for inspiration, Heebijeebi talks to Nagonworkhere. "You suck Nagonaworkhere. I should have sent Bahir to run this martyrdom operation. Make with the bombs already." Nagonaworkhere gives the team directions to the safe house.

Back at the Batcave, the president collapses.There hasn't been a president who fell down this much since Ulysses S Grant.

10:41:53 to 10:47:24
Awana Fuqya finds an inconsistency in the general's transcript. "He talks about someone named Bahir. That's not even a real middle Eastern name. it's that kid from 'South Park.''' She thinks it may have been a duress code. Jack tries to warn the CTU guys in the armored car, but just then, their truck enters a tunnel, cutting them off. The next time Jack sees the armored truck, it's stopped into the tunnel and most of the CTU tactical team is dead.

Seeing bullet holes in the service door of the tunnel (they always seem to have those, don't they?) Jack follows it and sees Nagonaworkhere pummeling some undocumented worker who was just doing a job American's won't do. Then, Nagonaworkhere steals his truck. Apparently, the FBI was asleep at the switch when Nagonaworkhere took a CDL course and got a Class F Heavy Equipment License.

Jack clings to the bottom of the garbage truck, and still manages to call CTU. "Hey, Look at me, I'm T.J. Hooker!"

10:51:42 to 10:59:59
Zombie President Belushi is strapped back into his chair. "Must. Eat. More. Brains." His doctor will have none of it. "Either you stop eating brains or I quit." "What if I just ate one really big brain?" Frau Blucher agrees to send for George F. Will.

Nagonaworkhere speeds back towards Initech. Upon arrival, he orders his men to load the nukes onto the truck and make ready to drive to the middle of downtown Los Angeles, where they will detonate them at midnight, resulting in as many as five casualties.

Then, Jack starts shooting up the place. There are like twenty terrorists firing at him with AK's, and Jack's got like one hand gun and a can of Dole pineapple, but he fights like Chuck Norris and kills them all and then beats the crap outta Sameer Nagonaworkhere. Jack hooks him up to a chain and whispers, "Say hello to your little brother... and my wife ... and Tony Almeda, and Michelle Dressler, and Edgar Stiles, and Edgar Stiles's Mom, and Lynn McGill, and Curtis Manning and David Palmer and Ryan Chappelle and ... Elvis and Don Knotts." Then Jack hangs him.

Doyle is the first to catch up with him. "Bombs are on the table." Jack tells him. "It's Miller Time." Jack checks his watch. "And in less time than it usually takes."

Then, Jack gets a mysterious phone call from his "dead" Season 4 girlfriend, Zombie Penis Nose. The heathen Chinee are holding her prisoner and torturing, but unlike with Muslims, you won't hear any professional grievance groups whining about it. Just ask Sarah Silverman. Anyway, the heathen Chinee demand that Jack call them back, presumably, so they can continue to do horrible things to him.

Or for them?

Tick Tock

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (4/12). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (4/11).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Remote Access. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

LiveBlogging 10:00pm - 11:00pm

Good evening, everyone, my name is Wyatt Earp, and I will be your humble host for tonight's edition of Blogs4Bauer LiveBlogging. The festivities will begin in about thirty minutes, but I wanted to remind you to vote in this week's Miss Blogs4Bauer matchup: Chloe O'Brian versus the late Michelle Dessler. Guess who I'm voting for?

Tonight's episode should be Tyler-proof. That is, chock full o' action. It appears that Jack gets shot - at least he's in this episode - and Zombie President Palmer launches the nuke. It should be nuclear-iffic! Be back in a few . . .

Viewer discretion is advised. (Insert my uncontrollable giggling here.)

10:00pm - The bird is in the air! Where is Slim Pickens when we need him? He is certainly not with Karen "I Spill Every National Security Secret In America With My Husband" Hayes.

Oh, the Middle Eastern ambassador was lying. Go figure. I guess he's boning up on his Ahmadinejad impersonation. Abort, Abort, Abort!!! . . . Puss-aah. Strike that. He was bluffing, so he's not a puss-aah. He's just a liberal pinko.

10:08pm - Who's this blonde haired guy? Oh, that's Jack Bauer. I remember Jack. Is a kitchen really the best place for an interrogation? They used one in Prison Break a few weeks ago!

Oh, and I don't approve of Silver Spoons taking over Jack's interrogation. Ricky has got to go! And I have a crisp $1 bill that the transport is attacked. Place yer bets!

10:11pm - Commercial break! Spidey 3 trailer! This night keeps getting better and better. What's next? Rosie O'Donnell eats herself to death?

10:15pm - Couldn't they think of a better name for this general than "Habib?" That was Al Bundy's name when he was forced to work at the gas station! Oooh, a tender moment between Lennox and Zombie Palmer. Someone fetch me my cryin' blankie!

10:17pm - We've got a truckin' convoy! CONVOY!

CRASH! And the quarterback is toast! Firefight! Check your Kill Counters!!! Bauer is down! Bauer is down! Auntie Em! Auntie Em!

Um, what the hell was that? We have more bluffs than the Grand Canyon!

10:22pm - Commercial Break! Is anyone still reading my nonsense? Just checking.

10:27pm - Fayed wants to speak to General Habib. And he won't do anything until he does. He's the radical Islamic Cindy Sheehan! Zombie President Down!!! Get some fresh brains in here, stat!!!

Karen Hayes is laying down the tough talk smack? The next thing you know, she'll tear up her ACLU card! And if Zombie Palmer keeps calling the ambassador a barbarian, MSNBC will suspend him for two weeks. Step lively, David! Reverend Al is watching you.

10:32pm - Ugh, another Milo/Nadia repartee. Someone torture me, please! Hey Milo, why the long face? HA! And, I'm sorry, but did Nadia just translate "General" into "General???"

10:36pm - Fayed bought it, and now we're back with Night of the Living Dead Presidents. He is ushering out the ambassador before he eats his brain!

10:38pm - Commercial break! Tinkle if you must! This just in: J-Lo(talent) will be appearing on American Idol. It's official: her career is in zombie status!

10:41pm - We're back! General Tso, er, Habib may have sent Fayed a signal. Someone murder his children, post haste! We lost the target vehicle = the CTU decoy team is worm food.

10:44pm - HE WENT IN THE SEWERS, JUST LIKE RICHARD KIMBLE!!!

Or not. Couldn't Jack get inside the rear of the trash truck? And isn't it convenient that Fayed can drive stick?

10:47pm - Commercial break! This diet iced tea is wreaking havoc with the old bladder. Oh, sorry, I didn't realize that I typed that. Oh frak, did the comments go down? I can't get in. (Sounds of rejoicing fill the country.)

10:51pm - Doctor, you're wasting time! He needs more brains! (Have we run that reference into the ground enough yet?) Since comments may still be down, pass the snarky comments amongst yourselves.

10:53pm - Taking out downtown Los Angeles? Keen! Oh, and we better update that Kill Counter: Jack's out of the truck. And the Counter is rising! Maybe Jack should have taken out the AK-47 first? And what's with throwing the gun? Rookie mistake. Kick his ass, Jack!!!

Jack Bauer: Back on the Chain Gang.

10:58pm - Oh well, I guess the season is over. What? Audrey's back??? Damnit! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

10:59pm - Looks like everyone will be Kung Fu fighting! Solid episode, kids! Lotsa Jack, and next week he pulls a gun on Silver Spoons. Joygasm! Well, I'm out. Thanks for your patience (with my blogging and the damned comment fiasco). Enjoy They Might Be Giants!

"Gosh, Blogs4Bauer, I'm pissed!" Chloe wants in on the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest Round 1!

We at Blogs4Bauer had a close call this week. Chloe O'Brian was busy datamining the NSA servers when she came across some backroom chatter about our highly hormone-driven "Miss Blogs4Bauer" beauty pageant. Chloe, curious as to her performance in the contest thus far, was shocked and appalled to see that she was NOT IN THE PAGEANT! We tried to apologize to Chloe for our oversight, and she responded by plaguing our computers with robust computer viruses. When we insisted that we couldn't change the bracket (it's been in place for weeks now) Chloe decided to "hack" into our system and put herself in the running. So, goodbye little Debbie Pendelton (Behrooz!) and hello Foxy Chloe. From this time forward, it is difficult for us at B4B to guarantee a "fair" contest. Chloe seems determined to win this one.

So, are you going to let Chloe hijack this pageant or will you choose her "crispy" competitor Michelle Dessler (pictured on the right) and side with democracy? VOTE NOW!

Who should move on? Michelle Dessler Chloe O'Brian

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 13

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Last week, Jack kept up with his weekly quota.

However, this week Jack Bauer dies. The clues are there, you just gotta look for them
-Well if you call the 24 Fan Line and play the spanish lady's comments back in reverse it says "he is dead...he is dead"
- Milo's terminal flashed "4 Nine VII HE ^ DIES" while tracking Gradenko.
-Last season Chloe has a piece of paper that said "Jack is dead".

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)

24 Caption Contest

Caption Chloe, or else.

(Source - Playgeek Magazine)

Make sure you vote in the latest Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. Currently Martha "I h8 kiwis" Logan is tied with Evelyn Martin.

Bacardi & Cola: a Secret Affair

I always knew there was a little love behind Jack putting Curtis in the sleeper hold last season.

The Carnival has Posted

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted over at Morning Maniac Music. Go check it out!

Next week the carnival moves over to Remote Access. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (4/5). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (4/4).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Morning Maniac Music. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Jack, you've gotta make up your mind. If you want to stay alive, then ante up.
by: Quint

Aye, the sea's a dangerous place to be for a pretty boy like Jack Bauer. Yea, the sharks are comin' but there's a pretty penny to be made for keeping him around a few more seasons. But the way it is been goin' this season, the shark, it looks like it'll swallow him whole. No shakin', no tenderizin', down you go boy wonder. Jack, you've gotta make up your mind. If you want to stay alive, then ante up.

This shark is a sneaky bastard, yes he is. That fish will tear a man in two quicker than Edgar...well quicker than Tony on a week-long bender.

Take those damn skis off Jack! Don't talk back to me, I don't care if you just shot your best friend and witnessed a little nuclear blast. And I could care less if that damn helicopter went down on that there roof. No one came rushin' to our aid when a thousand of us went into the drink and the sharks come cruisin'. Now get off the damn roof you cock-eyed bastard! Put down that TV antenna and step away from the helicopter!

Quint: Bauer, what exactly can you do with these craptastic plot lines of yours?
Bauer: Well, I think I can track down Audrey's killer while I mentor Doyle, develop a relationship with Josh and Marilyn, and try to reunite with Kim. Oh next season, Kim will be played by Hillary Swank.
Quint: Can you get this plot line through his skin?
Bauer: Well next season Ted McGinley is supposed to play the part of my long lost half-brother who was being held by an Inuit tribe in Canada for treason and will be killed by a firing squad in 24 hours. I will attempt to bust him out.
Quint: Killer Eskimos? That shark will rip this plot to pieces!
Bauer: Dammit!

Yeah, that Doyle is real nice replacement you brought in from Denver, Mr. Bauer. 'Course I don't know what that bastard shark's gonna do with 'em, might eat 'em I suppose. Seen one eat an entire very special episode one time. Let me ask you one thing, was Scrappy Doo not available?

Take off that damn leather jacket and come up with some better ideas before the fish gets us both starring with a freakin' mountain lion.

Point: Go Ahead and Jump Me
by Mr. Jaws

'24' Point/Counterpoint

Point: Go Ahead and Jump Me
by Mr. Jaws

I smell blood in the water... or perhaps, creative desperation. Got your skis, Jack? Let's rock!

I began swimming around these waters about the time that little bastard kid of yours showed up. A new kid showin' up is almost a sure sign someone's getting ready to jump me. I still got little chunks of Cousin Oliver lodged in my teeth.

That's another thing folks do before they jump me. Any truth to the rumor that Mary Lynn Rajskub is about to be replaced by Linda Rodriguez in the role of Chloe? Buddy, you might as well pull up the ramps to the shark traps.

Oh, I remember looking right into Dick Sargent. Right into his eyes. And, you know, the thing about a shark... I've got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When I came at Dick Sargent, I didn't seem to be living... until I bit him, and my black eyes rolled over white and then... the ratings turn red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', ... I ripped them to pieces. Both of them. Dick Sargent and Dick York.

You might say TV's first Dick replacement was also the first time anyone tried to jump me.

Is that a powerboat motor I hear? Is Jack fixin' to marry Sheena Easton in a very special episode? Yeah, I'll bite that one in half below the waist. Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!

Or, Day 6, 2:00 AM to 3:00 AM, with special guest stars, The Harlem Globetrotters! Mmm, delicious!

What's this? Jack gets shot next week? Excellent! Replacement of the lead actor is the ultimate Me-Jump.

I wonder if Ricky Schroder will taste anything like Ted McGinley.

Counterpoint: Jack, you've gotta make up your mind. If you want to stay alive, then ante up.
by: Quint

Jack VS. Riker

http://bauervsriker.ytmnd.com/

I find stuff like this funny.

If 24 was filmed in Minnesota

Scene: Small bar in Green Bay St. Paul. Locals watching Fox News.


Muslim terrorist and unarmed Russian walk into the bar.


Russian man points to Muslim terrorist
Russian man: "Look, it's a terrorist. I have seen him on TV"


Muslim terrorist pulls out gun and shoots two bar patrons.
Bang....Bang

Bar patrons, wanting to avoid possible lawsuits from CAIR for confronting terrorist activity, go back to drinking and watching Fox News.
Bar Patron 1: How about those Vikings?

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 9:00 pm and 10:00 pm

09:00:00 to 09:09:07
In the Batcave, Zombie President Belushi munches on some fresh brains and declines the use of a wheelchair. Frau Blucher compares Zombie President Belushi to FDR. "FDR could do lots of things in a wheelchair... which is how he knocked up my mom."

Meanwhile, Jim Jones has snapped and now thinks he's Bob Dole.When Zombie President Belushi enters the conference room, he says, ""Jim Jones is glad to see you back. Jim Jones thinks you should step down. Jim Jones is tired of the president doing nothing in response to terrorism. Jim Jones wants to talk to the attorney general."

At CTU, Jack lets Chiggy has no intention of following through on any immunity agreement with Whistler.

09:13:32 to 09:20:07
At CTU: Kemper and Awana Fuqya needlessly remind the audience that their tense working relationship is now counterpointed by a hot personal relationship.
Kemper: "Any word on the cabinet vote?"
Awana: "Nope."
Kemper: "Wanna make out in the server room?"
Awana: "Maybe. You realize I am a devout Muslim, so, I am going to be honor-killed for what we did, you infidel bastard."
Kemper: "Sucks to be you."

Ricky Stratton apologizes to Awana Fuqya. Then, he tells her he thinks Kemper screwed up, and he wants her to nail him by snooping into his computer. Either that, or he'll call the Geek Squad from Best Buy haul him away kicking and screaming, and that will be embarrassing for everybody.

Back at the batcave, the cabinet votes on whether to drink Kool Aid with Jim Jones or eat brains with Jim Belushi. Of course, it comes out a 7-7 tie. According to the Attorney General, there's no majority, Zombie President Belushi stays in power. Belushi does a victory dance then eats the brains of the Secretary for Housing and Urban Development.

Jim Jones disagrees. "Jim Jones disagrees," he says. "Frau Blucher doesn't count, she resigned and Jim Jones accepted her resignation. Jim Jones is the president. Where's the outrage?" "I'll sue your cracker ass," declares President Belushi. "It's up to the Supreme Court," the Attorney General decides. Weasel Cage suggests they wake up the supreme court and present them with briefs, except Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who'll just sleep through it anyway, and John Paul Stevens, whose briefs are stained with his senile incontinence.

09:24:34 to 09:37:02
Awana Fuqya distracts Kemper by complaining of a hardware problem.
Awana:"My cupholder is broken."
Kemper: "You mean the CD-ROM drive."
Awana: "Is that what that thing is?"

Kemper goes to check it out. She checks out his computer and finds out he forget to refresh his password and also clicked on some damn 'punch the monkey' thing, in violation of CTU rules. Stratton covers up for him, "You see, that's what I do. I act like a total dick, then I turn around and do something decent. Crazy, isn't it?" Awana Fuqya is surprised when he quotes the Koran at her. "Yes I've read the Koran. And the Bible... but I'm all really about Dianetics. You know, if we could just get those terrorists into auditing, get them into clear Thetas..."

Immunity deal in hand, Whistler calls Nagonaworkere. They agree to meet at the Santa Monica pier in ten minutes. "It'll be romantic. I can see it now: just you, me, and the moon. Wear a necktie so I'll know you."

Nagonaworkhere and his henchmen are loading beer kegs into the back of a truck, apparently they support their terrorism by working as Coors distributors. "Let's just nuke 'em now, and declare 'Miller Time.'" one of the henchmen says. But Nagonaworkhere is gonna stick with the man. "No, with Whistler's data, we can irradiate half of California."

Cynthia McKinney Belushi is putting together the brief. "Ladies and crackers of the court, If you don't leave my brother in power, I'll beat you to death with my cell phone." They agree they've got a strong case. Ann Coulter and Jim Jones are performing their own evaluation and decide their best shot is for Ann Coulter to perjure himself. "Jim Jones wants you to commit perjury," says Jim Jones, then sends her out to get some Viagra. Weasel Cage walks in. He shows Jim Jones the transmitter that picked up his conversation with Ann Coulter. "Jim Jones says turn that off before I shove this pen through your neck."

09:41:25 to 9:48:13
Cynthia McKinney informs Zombie President Belushi that Vice President Jim Jones has withdrawn his suit. "Hot damn!' Zombie President Belushi exclaims. "Now, back to appeasement." He asks her to tell those cabinet members who sided with Jim Jones to wash their heads and come into his office. Then, he calls his doctor.

A CTU techie injects Whistler with a radioactive isotope that will lodge in his bones and enable CTU to track him. He picks up a cell phone, reads a txt msg, wonders what the hell "S dat a ph n yr pocket or RU Jst =:) 2C M?" means, then two thugs grab him and take him into a building, where he strips off the wire.

Nagonaworkhere is crushed. "You led them to me?""I had no choice, but if you listen to me, we both get out of here alive." Jack follows his signal into the building, where he finds out that Whistler has been disarmed.

9:52:36 to 9:59:59
An exciting top of the hour shoot out ensues. Jack is pinned down by Nagonaworkhere's martyrs, but manages to kill them somehow.

Meanwhile, a one-armed Russian and a Muslim terrorist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Where did you get that horrible hideous thing?" the one-armed Russian says, "Saudi Arabia."

Then, shooting breaks out in the bar. A bar patron goes down. Jack kicks Nagonaworkhere in the face, but Whistler escapes.

Zombie President Belushi eats his doctor's brain.

Whistler stumbles underneath the pier. Weak from blood loss and reeking of swarthy terrorist man-love, he falls. As he dies, he sees a vision in the distance... a man in a leather jacket water-skiing over a shark. What could it mean?

Frau Blucher wants to declare a truce with Weasel Cage. They agree to agree to disagree. Then, Weasel Cage gets an ominous phone call. President Belushi is going ahead with the nuclear strike. The launch is successful.

Hey, if Mitt Romney can flip-flop on abortion...

Tick-Tock

Liveblogging 9 PM to 10 PM

Well, as many of you know, I have followed in The Man's footsteps and retired from political blogging. However, this does not mean you've gotten rid of me here at Blogs4Bauer. If anything, I should have even more time than ever to fill your days with gratuitous Kim Bauer references.

So I'll be taking the liveblogging reins tonight. I'll see you in about 20 minutes!

Here we go!

9:00 PM - I really hope we get lots of rainman action this week. That was a BRILLIANT idea by the 24 writers. Almost as brilliant as the idiot from France who believed that we had Manny's email address and would publish it openly.

Roosevelt governed fine from a wheelchair? Didn't they see Pearl Harbor? He had to stand up in order to get anyone to be impressed.

9:01 - The nuclear strike against Fayed's country? Seriously, they couldn't make something up like Qumar on the West Wing?

9:04 - Because the 25th amendment says the Cabinet decides, they can't ask what a doctor would say? That's pretty shoddy constitutional law...

9:08 - "The president must be strong enough in body and mind to defend this country." I'd have LOVED to see Reagan defend this country, you know, single-handedly.

Ads - It's official: I bogarted Tyler D.'s night to liveblog. So I'm handing over the reigns—the rest of this post will be his.

----TYLER'S POST----

9:23 - Is Milo a moron or what? Wait, spoons (almost) redeems himself.

9:26 - Nuclear straws? I WANT ANOTHER NUKE!!! :/ NO MORE TALK!!

9:28 - HOLY CRAP!!! They better not start writing in complete silence with a frackin timer on the screen.

9:32 - Affidavits!?!?! Any more references to writing and I'm out. This is pathetic.

9:34 - More paper? I just went emo and sliced my wrists wide open....wide open.

You know what....




hmmm...



9:45 - Blood trail? Is Jack a blood-hound now?

9:50 - I wish Jack would scream "Boom Headshot!" just once when he wastes somebody. That would make my day.

9:54 - "Boris the Blade" is fish food? Now that is tragic.

9:56 - Well, I got my nuke "launch". Did this episode seem like I watching The Office? Just not as... anything really?

We're Bringing Kim Back!

April Fools Recap
Blogs4Bauer's successful April Fools Day prank made us the scorn of 24 geeks from Valencia to France. How successful you ask?

We published the first "spoiler" that Kim Bauer will return in episode 23 and end up being held hostage by a mole at CTU on Thursday at 3:20 pm. We also setup the mannyc24@gmail.com email address and it was soon hit by people informing "Manny" that we published his email address along with the information about Cougar Bait. One emailer decried spoilers and then asked Manny for more inside information! Our little prank also made it onto Total Fark, 24 Forum, IMDB, and other web boards.

We could tell by Friday that we'd better break the prank early because of how fast the news spread and also to inform people while we still had their attention. So at 8:54am on Friday we posted the second and final "spoiler". We also informed the people that emailed "Manny" that it was just a joke.

So if we got you, Happy April Fools Day and no hard feelings. We even fooled a guy from France,which is apparently not that hard to do.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 12

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and beEach week B4B will host a allowed to live another day.

Last week Jack managed to add two people onto the kill counter with only one shot. Had Brady not listened to the voices in his ear, I'm pretty sure that he would have joined the crowd.

This week the previews have Jack Bauer yelling "we need backup" which means they are already dead. With or without backup, how many kills will Jack add tonight?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)

Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest - Round 1

Hi, I am William Shatner and I apologize for having that little bastard Sanjaya host last week's match up. See what happens when you let a douche bag like Ryan Seacrest take control? Well the Shat is back, again!

This week we have an exciting match up between two stars of Season 5. One is an assistant who put her family in harms way, got shot, ratted out the president, deceived the Secret Service, and might be dead. The other showed off her cleavage and ended up stabbing the president in the shoulder. Yes it is Evelyn Martin and Martha Logan going at it this week. Will the pill popping ex-first lady or her assistant advance to the next round?

Last week's contest was a snooze-fest. Marilyn Bauer easily rolled over Jenny McGill (87%-13%).

Click Here for an updated bracket.

The next match up will be posted next Monday (4/9) will be our final Round 1 contest with Debbie "I heart Behrooz" Pendleton pitted against Agent Michelle Dessler .

Here is this week's tale of the tape:

Name: Evelyn Martin
Status: Dead?
Occupation: Martha Logan's assistant/Demerol Mojito maker

Strengths: Ability to cut kiwis without ending up charged for Murder one.
Weaknesses: Amy Martin
Curious detail: During Season 5, Evelyn informed Jack that Charles Logan was behind the nerve gas.



Name: Martha Logan
Status: Insane
Occupation: Basket weaver at Shady Oaks
Strengths: Agent Pierce's warm embrace
Weaknesses: Kiwis, Charles Logan, knives
Curious Detail: Martha is the only First Lady on the show 24. Also, her character was loosely based on Hillary Clinton, where she would use her husband to get so far...then stab him in the back when an opportune time came about.

Who should move on? Evelyn Martin Martha Logan Click Here for results

Another Exclusive 24 Spoiler

-EXCLUSIVE-

Yesterday we told you about the plans to bring back Cougar Bait in the final few episodes of 24. Today we have another spoiler that is so...spoiling that we will not post the image of the email as to not ruin it for people that might get upset.

Is it news about Audrey actually being alive - who nose? Is it that Tony is not really dead? Could it be that Jack Bauer is not going to be around next season? Has the ghost of Edgar taken hostages at the local Dunkin Donuts? Could there be another lame 1980s actor that has not been on an episode this season? Ok, John Stamos is not going to be on 24.

Warning...don't look if you cannot handle the truth.

Seriously, we don't want you to end up watching Dancing with the One-Legged Stars instead of 24 after seeing this.

Click Here to see what Fox and Jack Bauer do not want you to know.