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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Behind the scenes

Robocop Earns Future Spot on Kill Counter

Robocop Earns Future Spot on Kill Counter

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter has been updated and sits at sixty bodies so far. We estimated the death toll from the Mall at 15, but Jack Bauer has corrected us. Only 11 people died at the mall and Jack also announced the Centox Special at The Limited has been extended through the weekend. The B4B Challenge Winner from that episode is now Deathlok, who guessed 13 (the actual body count was 14).

Robocop made his debut this episode and tried to add Jack Bauer to The Jack Bauer Kill Counter. Instead, he made the mistake of giving Jack ample time to position a rack of Dell Servers to absorb the bomb blast. While waiting for the blast, Jack played on the Omicron computers, winning 2 games of Solitaire and posting some nasty comments on Edgar's Myspace page.

Also, Don't forget about the Carnival of Bauer™—you've only got a day and a half left to submit! Click here for more details.

Monday, February 27, 2006

(Not) TiVo Blogging: The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm

(Not)*TiVo Blogging: The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm

*More like, "Hotel in Suburban Philadelphia Blogging"

4:00 to 4:13:39

Good Morning Campers. I am on the road without TiVo, so if I miss anything... too frakkin' bad. Here we go.

Comrade HATO* informs us that we have 40 minutes until the motorcade with Russian Pres Subaru and Mary Todd Weasel will be ambushed. Isn't great the way the terrorists time everything so that all the action on '24' happens near the end of every hour.

Dick Cheney and President Weasel review the most likely ambush point and discuss how to handle the subsequent cover up after the terrorists grease the Subarus. "Standard cover-up Number 22 was always one of my favorites" Weasel says. Dick Cheney informs Weasel that Mary Todd hitched a ride with the Subarus. Weasel rings her up in the limo. She picks up the line and he tells her "Et-gay out of the otorcade-may before the errorists-tay release the ass-gay." ("Ass-Gay" Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh.) She refuses and hangs up on him. So, he plots with Dick Cheney to have her removed from the motorcade by force. "Can't do it, she'll tip the Subarus." Dick Cheney tells him.

At CTU: PHB** Gamgee is stamping his big hairy feet in fury. His irrational behavior has forced Chloe and S4GF to work in the CTU smoker's stairwell while they check out Biff Henderson. They confirm to Jack that Omicron Corp made the Tex-Mex gas. It turns out that Biff Henderson was the guy who originally recruited Jack to CTU, then he went all corrupt and stuff and sold classified data to defense contractors, Halliburton, the Russian mafia, the Girl Scouts...

Truffle-Shuffle comes into the smoker's hallway. "Sam Gamgee is losing it!" he exclaims, and informs them that he has scheduled everyone for a two-day staff meeting to discuss the new process for formulating the employee recognition process. "You have to cover for Chloe until Jack gets back," S4GF tells Truffle-Shuffle.

Meanwhile, Weasel is losing it back at the presidential retreat. "When they attack, they will be fast and they will be merciless," he says. Can't they do something. Dick Cheney lays it out for him. "The only thing you can do is call back the motorcade. If you call it back, the terrorists will release the Tex-Mex gas." "Then, there's nothing more we can do," Weasel sighs, and breaks out a copy of the Singles Weekly and a highlighter.

4:17:02 to 4:24:49

PHB Gamgee fires a chick for talking to Homeland Security on the phone. After Hurricane Katrina, Homeland Security is the last place anyone should be talking to in an emergency. Then, he threatens to fire Truffle-Shuffle. Then, he fires Wally and Asok the Intern.

Jack finds a parking space at Omicron. Chloe sets up an alias for him. She creates an identity in the Omicron database under the name Jack Meoff. He's a petroleum-based lubricant salesman. As she is setting up the alias, PHB Gamgee, funming and spouting nonsense about "Empowering our synergies" and complaining that "I can't have Chloe away from her desk. We have a personnel shortage... mainly because I've been firing everybody." Chloe has just enough time to establish the cover before PHB calls her back to print out some PowerPoint slides "in color this time."

Meanwhile, Jack finds his passage blocked by Biff Henderson's secretary, Tandy Hotbabe. Jack calls S4GF who fakes a call from Accounting to get Hotbabe out of the way. Jack walks into Biff Henderson's office and gets the old "Stun Gun to the Shoulder." Biff Henderson (a.k.a. RoboCop) revives him with smelling salts without an intervening scene. "Sorry, Jack... I thought you were Scott Baio." "Why were you going to taser Scott Baio?" Jack asks. "He knows why," Biff/RoboCop informs him. "You made the Tex-Mex gas," Jack accuses. "There is no Tex-Mex gas," Biff Henderson insists. "The people in the Mall died from Tex-Mex gas," Jack tells him. Biff sticks his fingers in his ears. "I can't hear you. La-la-la." To prove he had nothing to do with the Tex-Mex, Biff Henderson offers to show him the secret company files.

4:29:12 to 4:40:46

Truffle Shuffle passes a tablet notebook to Chloe. Some of the decrypted codes from NSA indicate that the terrorists have somehow(!) figured out the Russian president's motorcade route and may be preparing an ambush. They take the report to PHB Gamgee with the warning of a possible terorrist attack on the Subarus. PHB suggests they form an empowerment group and conduct an off-site tiger team in accordance with the ISO 9001 process. Then, he threatens to fire Chloe and Truffle Shuffle for suggesting that CTU alert the Secret Service to the possibility of terrorist attack. Then, he goes back to trying to work "diversity" into the CTU Mission Statement and scheduling an appointment with Catbert to see how many more people he can downsize. Token and S4GF also think alerting the Secret Service would be a good idea, but PHB Gamgee tells them if they don't shut up, he will have to mark them down from "Above Average" to "Average" on their performance reviews.

Meanwhile, Comrade HATO and his men prepare to make the assault on the Subaru motorcade.

S4GF calls Truffle-Shuffle and Chloe into Corridor 7A and says, "Hey, Chloe, can you fake an email from PHB to the Secret Service and alert them to the potential terrorist threat." Chloe scrunches up and makes a Renee Zellweger face, meaning yes. (Also meaning no, also meaning 'Jack's in trouble' Also meaning 'Edgar just cut one' et cetera...) S4GF then goes to Token. "I need you to pull a Section 112 on PHB Gamgee." "The Dilbert Protocol?" Token says. "Yes, the Dilbert Protocol." Token is not convinced, and decides to go down into the basement and play bass until he makes up his mind.

At the Presidential Retreat, Dick Cheney and Weasel discuss their options. They really haven't changed since the first commercial break. Sam Gamgee asks Cheney to pray with him, and hauls out a rooster. (President Weasel practices santeria.) Cheney passes.

Meanwhile, PHB Gamgee orders the red shirts to arrest everybody at CTU. Token intervenes and threatens to draw his weapon. The red shirts fold faster than Superman on laundry day. Token cites the Section 112 Protocol "I hereby remove you from command under Section 112: Acting like Dilbert's boss." The red shirts drag PHB away and he cries like a little girl, vowing revenge. "I'll break your legs off, and then I'll burn CTU to the ground so you'll have to crawl to the Emergency Assembly Areas dragging your bloody stumps!"

4:45:12 to 4:50:16

Token pulls Chiggy Killer out of stir and informs him of the possible terrorist attack. They call Weasel and informs him that they know of the possible attack. "Praise the almighty Orishas, " Weasel says, preparing to sacrifice a fresh cockerel. "R-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght" Cheney says, slowly backing to the rear of the room. Cheney then informs him that with CTU on the case, the attack is much less likely to succeed. Weasel discreetly puts his Singles Weekly aside.

The Secret Service gets a warning to the motorcade. But fortunately, the warning comes too late to prevent a climactic action sequence. Comrade HATO and his comrades unleash Hell, including a missile, on the Subaru's limo. Then they shoot up the motorcade with AK's and flamethrowers. They're about to charbroil the disabled presidential limo when Red Foreman opens his door. "Hey, Dumbasses!" he yells, "Terrorize this!" He then wastes some terrorists with his sidearm.

Mary Todd and the Subarus (Hey, that would make a great band name) survive the attack. Weasel is somewhat disappointed when he is informed. "Now, they terrorists are just going to release the gas on someone else... and I just found a 24 year old SWF into light BDSM."

4:54:42 to 4:59:59

Now, after being Jack-free for over 24 minutes, we see Jack and Biff Henderson walking deep in the bowels of Omicron Corp... or the set of Galaxy Quest, hard to tell. Biff Henderson expresses disdain for Chiggy Killer, then tells Jack he was framed in the whole selling classified secrets thing, and blames some people from earlier seasons. Then, he shows the incredible graphic-intensive personnel files. He notices a curious pattern, all the scientists who worked on the Tex-Mex gas ... Jorge Rodriguez, Miguel Hernandez, Juan Valdez ... are all dying mysteriously. Then, Biff Henderson leaves the room, "Excuse me while I powder my nose." Then, he leaves the building... leaving Jack in the basement with some-kind of Kill-Jack bomb. (Obviously, he planned ahead). Jack puts the bomb against the Blast door and stacks filing cabinets in front of it. Biff Henderson drives off. The bomb goes off, but Jack survives. I guess this is what the previews meant by "learning the real meaning of betrayal."

Meanwhile, Weasel and Cheney talk cover-up. "Hey, my wife was in the car. That should be a plus, credibility-wise. I mean , I really loved her... not like Bill and Hillary." Comrade HATO calls the president and tells him, "Since the Russian president lived, we have no choice to but to release the nerve gas." And that's where they leave us.

Nest Week: A '24' Double Header. Wtih Kim Bauer and Tony. (Sweet, Tony being alive will definitely make for a more interest '24' v. Lost Fight Club. I mean, even Charlie would have a shot against an unconscious Tony.... then again maybe not.)

* Hallowed Are The Ori

** Pointy-Haired Boss

24 Live Blog 4:00-5:00 P.M.

24 Live Blog 4:00-5:00 P.M.

Hello, I'm Tyler D. and I will be your live bloging monkey host tonight. I would first like to tell everyone to get those Carnival of Bauer submissions in. You can use this form to submit your entries. The Carnival will be held every Thursday so get those submissions in.

In preparation of 24, is anyone else watching Deal or no Deal? A $359,000 offer. Take it and go home. Deal! DEAL!! But that is still a 66% chance of $500,000+.

8:00 - Does anyone else giggle when the "graphic violence" warning comes on? Well, other than Wyatt?

8:03 - So we have 40 minutes before Mrs. Logan gets it.

8:05 - (FYI Blogger Stinks. The comments aren't working. At least not on my end.)

8:09 - Who is Chris Henderson? Why do I think this will start and end badly?

8:10 - Pres. Logan needs to just start sucking his thumb.

8:12 - Simple? It seems very complex to me. How do you launch a RPG at a car and only kill a few of the passengers?

8:15 - Oh, a new hottie. NOT A KIM REPLACEMENT! FIRED!! Well, that was some short lived joy.

8:18 - And how did he know Jack was behind there? Talk about some ill feelings.

On the 24 game. I bet I know how long it would take to complete.
WoW! That is a creepy Arby's commercial.

8:29 - The kill count could be HUGE on this one.

8:30 - Hobbit is freaking out! Although he did scream at the right person.

8:32 - Cola is starting a run.

8:34 - Is the Pres. looking at a picture of himself?

8:35 - I see that Mike does not agree with the president placing the blame on Mrs. Logan.

8:37 - Hobbit WARPATH!

8:38 - GO COLA GO!

8:43 - HAHA! What to do Mr. President? What to do?

8:44 - one, two, three, four, eight, nine, ten. Between typing and tring to keep track, I couldn't keep up.

Lets see we have, two motorcycle cops, two in the cars, three terrorists, the driver of limo, and...

8:53 - Is Bacardi locked in? Why yes he is. OoOoOo... and there is a bomb.

8:55 - And the great Jack Bauer survives the un-survivable.

8:59 - Two hours next week. Starting an hour earlier. AND STILL NO KIM! I swear they were lying to us.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count
It looks like Martha found the letter RFTR and Wyatt wrote to President Logan demanding Kim Bauer's return. We tried emailing Fox, but sending threatening letters to Logan seemed like the best way to bring her back. Since Logan cracks under the slightest of pressure, this is bound to work.

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy ~ Guess - 4
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR ~ Guess - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL ~ Guess - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL ~ Guess - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob ~ Guess - 5
Episode 8 - 15 Bodies
Lawhawk ~ Guess - 17
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR ~ Guess - 7

B4B Fight Club: Bauer v. Trump

B4B Fight Club: Bauer v. Trump

If you watched the Olympics, you know The Donald is moving to 9pm Monday night.

This is not acceptable Donald! I don't have time for this!

I'm Donald Trump, a billionaire business mogul. What have you done Jack?

Well I uncovered an assassination plot on Presidential nominee David Palmer. Then I defused a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. After that, I recovered from heroin addiction in time take on a drug cartel who wanted to release a killer virus. Then I left CTU, but came back when an Islamic sleeper cell tried to launch a nuclear missile aimed at Los Angeles. Currently I'm trying to find some missing nerve gas and if you don't mind, you're wasting my time!

Jack, I've had enough of your grandstanding and treatment of your teammates at CTU. You need to learn how to delegate and stop getting your backup agents killed. Sorry Jack, Monday nights are only big enough for one of us, you're Fired! Get out and take your penis-nosed girlfriend with you. I rule Monday nights! Go Donald.

Curtis, it's Jack. Clear out the CTU torture room and get me a hacksaw!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Where the Hell is Kim?

Where the Hell is Kim?

Question: Will Kim be back this Monday night?

Answer: Heck, I don't know; why are you asking me? I'm just a working-class schmo.

However, after some deep, thoughtful analysis, I have indeed come up with the

"Top Reasons Kim Isn't Back On 24 Yet":

1. She's been kidnapped by a band of cougars with anti-American sentiments (which is almost as believable as caucasian Russian break-away-state bandits attacking the US.

2. She's busy studying books to find where Russian break-away states are located on the map.

3. She's still not dry from the Girl Next Door movie.

4. Because the people at Fox are stupid.

5. Because the reason she was gone in the first place was stupid.

6. Because she's stupid.

7. She's hangin' with her mom.

8. She's back in Kevin Dillon's bomb shelter because guys with guns and bomb shelters rock.
(Note to self: Start digging bomb shelter this weekend...)

9. Because Michelle is cute enough to compensate...
9. Because Chloe is cute enough to compensate for Kim's absence.
(Note to self: Don't solicit list items from people holding bongs...)

10. They're bringing the Alias chick on instead!

Hopefully, we'll find out Monday the disposition of our favorite damsel in distress.
Now bring her back, dammit!!!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Spam-a-lot Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Announcing The Carnival of Bauer

Announcing The Carnival of Bauer™!!!

We've been getting a lot of requests lately to link to peoples' specific 24-related posts, and a few from people who want to join Blogs4Bauer as a contributor. If we honored all of these requests, the content on these pages would explode, and no one would be able to sort through it all. So, instead, The Man and I have decided to initiatiate a weekly Carnival of Bauer™!!!

It's going to be held every Thursday, and will link to any posts that you submit to us by 12:00 AM the day before (Wednesday), with a very few exceptions:
  • Posts must be 24-related;
  • Posts must be more than just a summary of a particular episode (commentary, analysis, humorous summary, etc. is acceptable); and,
  • Posts must satisfy our high standards (they can't suck)
So if you've got a post that you want included in next week's edition of The Carnival of Bauer™, then send:
  • The title of the post;
  • A permalink to the post;
  • Your name (blog pseudonyms are acceptable);
  • Your email address; and
  • A brief summary of the content of the post (don't make it more than a couple of sentences or I'll ban you from the Carnival of Bauer™ forever).
to with the subject line "Carnival of Bauer" and you will be included.

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony - Week 3
The Carnival of Life - Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar - Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 6
The Carnival of Logan - Week 7

So get posting, and get submitting to The Carnival of Bauer™!!!

UPDATE [2/24/2006]: Oh, and just in case you're wondering, posts about Kim are always acceptable. Especially if they include pictures...

Since there's been some complaining about the quality of my previous Kim picture, I'll provide you with one of my personal favorites instead. (If you'd like to review the original picture, click here.)
Counterpoint: A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.
My dear misguided Mr. Paginini, you lament the fact that Jack Bauer shot down one of your paper mache helicopters with a handgun. We sympathize. Really, we do. Unfortunately, the problem resides in neither your design nor your technology; it lies in your "We Love The World" Mission Statement.

"American Eurocopter?" Please. The only reason for such a title is to capitalize off the popularity of The Discovery Channel's American Chopper. And Mikey is not amused. Any joint venture between our country and some goose-stepping morons, spaghetti-eating Romeos, or wine-sipping, beret-wearing prima donnas is doomed to failure. Did you think for one minute that your Old World thinking would be any match for New Age American ammunition. I think you overestimate your chances.

Mr. Paginini - if that is your real name - when you want a versatile killing machine that won't break apart like a cookie in Kirstie Alley's chubby little digits, may I suggest you buy 100% American? When was the last time you saw Airwolf shot down?


Stringfellow Hawke and Dominic Santini

Point: Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun.
Here's a bit of gossip for you 24 fans out there. According to, Jack Bauer will not star in a movie based on the show 24. No, he'll star in 3 movies based on the show 24.

Kiefer has inked a 3 movie deal for a series of '24' movies at Fox. Yep, three. Chances are, you'll see the first one going before-the-cameras as early as '07.
Are you still not pumped up?

Apparently Bruce Willis has even mentioned to Kief that he'd be keen to cameo in one of the films. Big fan of the prime-time hit apparently.
For more information on the flick, check out 24: The Movie

Other possible 24 spin-offs
24: The Adult Diaper
42: 24 for Dyslexics
24: The Dishwashing Liquid

Got other spin-offs you would like to see? Post them in the comments.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

B4B GirlFight Club: Chloe v. Sun, Who Wins?

Chloe: '24'
Age: early thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: CTU Analyst
Death Count: 2.0 (Iced a couple of terrorists in Season 4)
Strengths: Withering, acidic verbal put-downs
Weaknesses: This is fight club, not the Algonquin Round Table
Curious Detail: Shocked everyone by hooking up with Studboy

Sun: 'Lost'
Age: early thirties
Nationality: Korean
Occupation: Wife
Death Count: 0
Strengths: If I have learned one thing from watching Hollywood movies, it's that all petite Asian women are martial arts masters.
Weaknesses: Charlie kicked her ass. Not a good sign.
Curious Detail: Shocked everyone with her ability to speak English

Point: Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun.

Hi I'm Mark Paganini, the CEO of American Eurocopter. Like many Americans, I was sitting down with my dog and a bottle of scotch to watch 24 Monday night. I usually root for Jack Bauer and the goofballs at CTU. That is until Jack went up against one of my company's AS 350 Ecureuil's. There is no way that a handgun, even fired by Jack Bauer, could take down one of our helicopters.

Let me say that the bad guys made a nice choice in personal helicopters. No other commercial helicopter can transport 7 Russian men with machine guns to a random rooftop in order to carry out an assassination like the AS 350. The Turbomeca Arriel 2B1 turbine engine provided these men with a fast, yet comfortable ride from their hideout and back. The light alloy body increases fuel efficiency and lowers gas costs to the cash strapped rouge Russian terrorists. The optional integrated entertainment package also allows the passengers to enjoy DVDs and CDs with digital stereo outputs in each of the seats.

It's true the AS 350 was not made to withstand gunfire, but Jack's firing position in relation to the Turbomeca Arriel 2B1 turbine engine and his use of a handgun makes drops the probability of Jack Bauer shooting down the helicopter about the same as Snakes on a Plane winning a Golden Globe.

Thank You,

American Eurocopter
President and Chief Executive Officer
Mark Paganini

Counterpoint: A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little."

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Random Jack Bauer Fact: Young monsters are often afraid to go to sleep at night because they think Jack Bauer is in their closet.

As my esteemed colleague "The Man" mentioned in an earlier post, the kill count on 24 appears to be coming back in line with the high standards that have been set in past episodes.

Badger receiving the smallmouth bass treatment was an unexpected yet pleasant surprise. The killing of the anonymous bad guys, though not quite as pleasing, was nonetheless a bonus. And Jack's fine marksmanship with regard to the helicopter incident certainly bodes poorly for his enemies in the near future.

However, I cannot seem to move past last week's episode where, in my humble opinion, a huge opportunity was lost. Bear with me.

Jack was ordered by terrorists at gunpoint to release a cannister of deadly gas into the ventilation system of the mall. Jack opted to disobey a direct presidential order thereby saving the lives of thousands of innocents, but potentially risking twenty times that number of people down the road.

Now I understand that Jack Bauer does not like to be told what to do by anyone. Not by a couple of two-bit terrorists. Not by a fur-footed, temperamental Hobbit. Not even by the first woman president of the United States.

However, had Jack been able to see past these personal effronteries he had the chance to dramatically increase this season's kill count with no risk whatsoever to the civilian population, all in one fell swoop.

He could have done so with the following two steps:
  1. Release the gas into the ventilation system killing thousands.
  2. Wait until the show was off of the air later that night, fly backwards around the world at supersonic speed thus reversing time and preventing the killings from ever having happened.

Results? A staggering kill count. No actual loss of life. Everyone wins.

One AS 350 Ecureuil Almost Added To Jack Bauer Kill Counter

Random Jack Bauer Fact: Jack Bauer shot down a helicopter with a hand gun.

After a week filled with the gassing of a gaggle of mall rats, the majority of 24 fans thought we would have a low body count over the next few episodes. Instead we watched Badger take a knife to the spleen and two other random guys knocked off before the credits were finished rolling.

Late in the show, Jack Bauer and his handgun went up against four men with machine guns in a helicopter and won! With just a few more rounds from his AA cannon we might have gotten the cliché out-of-control helicopter spinning in circles before blowing up scene. Instead we must assume that Jack let the helicopter escape so he can follow the smoke trail to Comrade HallowedAreTheOri.

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter has been updated.

Monday, February 20, 2006

TiVoBlogging: The following takes place between 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm

3:00:00 to 3:13:16

So, when we left off, Badger was driving away in an old pick-up truck with a hound dog and a whole bunch of nerve canisters. Badger calls into his contact. "Tex-Mex gas is genuine," said Badger. "At least, it works on mallrats."

Badger checks in with his boss, a new terrorist with a bad dye-job last seen as a Prior on Stargate SG-1. "You wasted my gas! My beautiful, beautiful gas" says Comrade HallowedAreTheOri, and he knifes badger in the gut, and whispers to him tenderly as he dies. Comrade HallowedAreTheOri has him a hankerin' to kill 'em him some Russians. Then, in the next scene, he shoots a Melvin for not knowing where Nathanson went. Nathanson (Hereinafter, Evil Shatner, because he looks like a less puffy version of TJ Hooker) is in his SUV trying to make his escape, but every time he calls one of his terror-buddies, they are immediately killed by one of Comrade HallowedAreTheOri.

Meanwhile, Sam Gamgee calls his sister. Cartman's Mom, and asks "Pretty please, may I have my key card back. Do you know how much trouble I can get in." Cartman's Mom says, "All right, poofykins," and wants to give it back, but her boyfriend, John McCain has other plans. And as soon as he comes off his high, he'll figure out what those plans are. Then, President Weasel calls Sam gamgee, "Have you got gas?" he demands. "No, sir, Taco Bell was closed." Weasel bitches out Sam Gamgee for not getting the gas, and then Sam Gamgee runs down to the conference room in time to hear Chiggy Killer explain that the Tex-Mex gas is still loose, and it will be a major bummer if it is ever released. Sam Gamgee is pissed because Jack didn't gas the mall rats like the president wanted. Audrey defends Jack Bauer for not killing the mallrats. Sam Gamgee doesn't get why Audrey is standing up for such impudence. "Why does she keep defending Bauer. What, was she like his girlfriend last season or something? I want Jack Bauer taken into custody. This is about the episode where that happens isn't it?"

Cola gets the order on his cell phone to take Jack in and breaks the news to Jack. "Sam Gamgee's on the warpath. He wants you heap brought back to his teepee. You give me firestick and wampum. We smoke um piece pipe." Jack knows the routine, and allows himself to be taken into custody until he feels like busting out again.

Then at CTU, S4GF gets call from Evil Shatner. Evil Shatner demands to put through to Jack Bauer. Evil Shatner was the one who sold the TexMex to the terrorists after they named their own price and shopped online. S4GF is reluctant at first, but when he launches into a pitch for Priceline, she quickly transfers him. Jack agrees to provide Evil Shatner with protection in return for help nailing the terrorists. "But why should I help you. You betrayed the country to terrorists," Jack shouts at him. "I'm a patriot," Evil Shatner insists. "All right, an Evil Patriot, but I can still help you get to the Tex-Mex gas." Jack decides to steal the SUV (hence the term: CarJacking. Cola resists him. "Is Jack Bauer going to have to choke a bitch?" Jack asks. Answer: Yes. Jack chokes, then tosses Cola from the SUV, thus demonstrating that the old feminist saying is wrong, and you can leave 'em on the curb when you're done with them.

3:18:24 to 3:24:15

Sam Gamgee's phone rings. It's Token. "Jack Bauer had to choke a bitch. And he shut down the vehicle's transponder so we can't track him." "Imbecilic Fool!" Sam Gamgee rages at him. "Take yourself into custody and bring yourself back to CTU for torture!" Sam Gamgee then runs down to the control room and asks S4GF if she's heard from Jack. "Jack Bauer who?" she answers coyly. Sam Gamgee orders Chloe to triangulate Jack Bauer's cell phone, but she can't. "It's like he is wearing the One Ring and made himself invisible." Sam Gamgee walks off grumbling... losing Jack Bauer will totally blow his chance of ever playing for Notre Dame. Somehow, he knows Jack Bauer has been in touch with S4GF and tries to access S4GF's phone logs, but S4GF convinces Chloe to erase them before Sam Gamgee can find out about the phone call from Evil Shatner.

Meanwhile, back at the Presidential repeat, Dick Cheney brings in Sid Blumenthal's cell phone to President Weasel. The caller claims to have the Tex-Mex gas, and he will only speak to the president. Weasel wipes the chicken blood from his chin and prepares to take the call. It turns out to be Comrade HallowedAreTheOri. "I got me a hankerin' to kill me a whole lotta Russians. But, since I can't do that, I'll settle for gassing the Russian President Subaru. And if you won't help me, I'll release the nerve gas in more densely populated areas than a shopping mall. You have fifteen minutes to give me President Subaru's route."

"Don't do it," Dick Cheney advises him. But President Weasel tells Dick Cheney to get on MapQuest and print out the Subaru's travel route anyway, explaining, "I mean... you know, I totally am not going to betray them, but, you know, just in case I change my mind, it might be handy to have this around." Dick Cheney goes to get the travel plans, knowing that Weasel has already decided to sell out the Russian president.

3:28:24 to 3:38:16

"Somebody's screwing with me, Chiggy," Sam Gamgee whines to Chiggy Killer. "S4GF erased her phone log. What's up with that?" Chiggy tells him to calm down, but Sam Gamgee is ranting like David Gregory. "I think she knew Jack Bauer was still alive the whole time. I think CTU has become way too sloppy. Why, when I was outside getting rolled and having my key card stolen by my crackwhore sister and her boyfriend, I happened to notice that ... um, never mind, but from now on, everyone at CTU is on double secret probation. You got that!"

Meanwhile, Jack Bauer arrives at his rendezvous with Evil Shatner. Jack sees a black helicopter land on the roof. "Um, were you expecting some terrorists?" Jack asks Evil Shatner on his cell phone. "Um, no," Evil Shatner answers. "Well, they're coming. I hope you have a weapon." Evil Shatner begins taking Evil Practice Swings with his Evil Emmy from Evil Boston Legal. Soon, Jack is running through Jennifer Beals's apartment from Flashdance and exchanging gunfire with a lot of heavies armed with G-36 assault rifles. The heavies are also shooting at Evil Shatner, shouting "Name your own price... of death!" Evil Shatner makes it to the roof, but takes a shot to the gut. Then, just as some big hunky bear of a man who would make Andrew Sullivan's shorts go pup tent with delight is about to shoot Evil Shatner, Jack Bauer makes it to the roof and notches up his death count. But just then, they are both attacked on the roof by gunmen in a black helicopter. Jack shoots the helicopter and manages to wound it, forcing a stage hand to set off a black smoke bomb in the stunt copter. But it is too late for Evil Shatner, who has been shot several times. "How are you enjoying my protection so far," Jack asks. Shatner dies, but not before giving Jack a chip... or, as the English would say, a crisp.

Jack tries to call in to S4GF with the data Evil Shatner provided him, but because Sam Gamgee is looking over her shoulder, she has to fake him out. "I'm wearing lace panties, and a garter... but we'll need to finish this call later, Senator Clinton." She transfers him to Chloe, and Jack is able to upload the data to her machine.

3:42:34 to 3:48:38

At the presidential retreat, Dick Cheney provides the Subaru's travel route to President Weasel. President Weasel (surprise surprise) has decided to sell out President Subaru after all. Dick Cheney whacks him in the nose with a bird rifle. "No! No! Bad President! Bad!" Then, Mary Todd Weasel overhears them talking. "What's up, guys? More conspiracy theories? What, am I married to Art Bell, now?" They fill her in. She is not happy. She is upset and emoting and spewing common sense all over the place. "Stand up to the terrorists, ye great chicken-eating-surrender-weasel," she rails at her husband.

In CTU, Chloe calls Chiggy Killer. "I can't decode this data Jack sent me. I need DOD codes." Chiggy tells her. "You mean you can't decode these data, data is plural." "Whatever, just distract Sam Gamgee long enough for me to get the codes from S4GF." Chiggy calls Sam Gamgee over, "Did I ever tell you about the time I shot down the alien ace, Chiggy von Richthofen..." While he is distracted, S4GF shoots the decryption codes over to Chloe. But Sam Gamgee catches what she is doing. "What's that window on your computer? Are you playing Free Cell? Answer me!" He then announces that he will be monitoring everyone's screen from his office. Immediately, his hair forms itself into pointed horn-like shapes on either side of his head.

3:52:52 to 3:59:59

Chloe calls Jack Bauer from CTU. with the data she's gotten from the stuff Jack Bauer sent her. "It's from the Terradyne Corp, it's a division of Omicron Corp, a wholly-owned subsidiary of ConGlobalCentriGenCorp."

This rings a bell with. "Omicron? Hey, isn't that where my old buddy Biff Henderson used to work?" He tells Chloe to look up their executives. Chloe agrees, "Oh, by the way, Chiggy Killer's in jail. Bye"

Meanwhile, back at presidential retreat, Weasel tries to explain his decision to Mary Todd. "Come on, what's one less Russian? FDR sold them out by the millions." They proceed to the photo op. President Weasel makes friendly chat with Russian President Subaru and Mrs. Subaru. "Hey, did you guys know death by nerve gas is relatively quick and painless?"

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney is taking a call on his cell phone. He tells the terrorist exactly the route the Subarus will be taking. Comrade HallowedAreTheOri gives the orders to his terror team. "Tell my people, this is where I want them to strike," he says drawing a big circle with an X on the MapQuest printout. Apparently, no matter how many terrorists Jack kills, they've still got more. What's up with that? Did the terrorists plan on needing about 6,000 heavily armed assault teams to move the Tex-Mex gas out of the country?

After the photo op, President Weasel gets a call from Sam Gamgee. Mary Todd Weasel is still upset about sending the Russians to their death. She decides to ride in the death car with them. Red Foreman decides to join her as well. "I better ride with you. Their chauffeur is kind of a dumbass."

Next week: Jack gets tasered. Sam Gamgee melts down like last season's nuke plants. And Mary Todd gets gas.
Chloe Interviewed on Fox
Not a big deal... they try to insinuate that she might be a mole, but not so successfully.

And then she says "I'll tell you one thing that's happening: nudity. I have to strip to get a terrorist to talk. I challenge a terrorist to strip craps and lose."

But then she says some weird stuff and it sounds like she's making the whole thing up.

Dull, as you might expect.
24: Season 5 — 3:00 PM-4:00 PM — Live-Blogging
Friends, Romans, non-hippie countrymen, lend me your eyes.

We're under half an hour from the next hour of 24, and I can assure you that Kim will show up in this episode. (Either that, or we'll have evidence once and for all that I've been bought by Fox to try and drum up anticipation for each week).

So get ready—I'll be back in 20 minutes.

8:45— Okay, so it didn't take 20 minutes... my local Fox affiliate just had an ad for a 10:00 news piece about the purchase of American ports by an Arab company.

Is there anyone else that's having trouble getting worked up about that? Or am I becoming desensitized to political BS?

I'll be back in 15 with all your 24 fun.

3:01 PM—Oops, Badger has gone the way of Firefly. And so did that other guy. We're already up to 2 deaths! At this rate, we're going to see a lot of bloodshed this week.

3:03—And there's 3. And Samwise is whining like a little baby.

3:05—Wait a minute... President Weasel is telling someone to stop making excuses and take responsibility? Didn't he watch last season's DVDs and see what a pathetic whiner he is?

3:07—I like Buchanan more and more. "Jack can be disciplined later, taking him out of the field now is a mistake." That's the first time anyone has had that reaction on this show (aside from maybe Palmer). Smart conclusion.

3:09—Oh no! Cola's turning on Bacardi! And penis-nose (S4GF) is trying to be forecful with Buchanan.

3:11—I want a node-monitor on my cell phone. It'll go perfectly with the CTU ringtone I have.

3:12—And now Bacardi got Cola back! I don't think he killed him, but that was serious. I think that might upset Little Miss Chatterbox, since we all know she's got such a thing for Curtis but doesn't like to see Jack do any wrong.

Ads—Just checked the comments, and lawhawk hit it on the nose, so I've determined that this portion of the liveblog is brought to you by the number 3.

Also, does anyone else hate those "so it's good to go" Taco Bell ads? They make me feel violent.

3:15—Is Samwise really going to devote resources to tracking Jack down? Doesn't he see that as a slightly bad priority?

3:17—Penis-nose redeems herself a little by trying to cover for Jack, but there's no way that'll do anything but raise suspicions that she's a mole. And I guess, at this point, she sort of is a mole—even if it is for the good guys.

3:24—I don't have much to say about that whole thing. I think it's a little ridiculous that there is only one person working with the President to resolve this situation, and that only the two of them would have been listening to that call.

I'm also pretty sure that they should set up a fake motorcade and route rather than aid in an act of war against Russia.

Ads—The Man, what are you talking about? Have you looked at the American curling team? Those women are HOT—how can you even imply that it's difficult to watch them? It's almost as good as an episode of 24 that has Kim in it.

3:28—"Someone is screwing with me, Bill, and I won't tolerate it." What a whiny bitch.

3:29—"If someone has a hidden agenda, I want to know about it." Wouldn't that be an impossibility if it actually is a "hidden" agenda?

3:31—Jack's good, anticipating the danger for the guy on the other end of the phone. We need a nickname for him—right now I'm leaning towards Jack Bristow, but I'm open to other suggestions.

3:33—Number 4, hostile chasing Bristow. Major firefight—it's a good thing that bad guys can't ever hit a good guy even with automatic weapons when he's out in the open.

Oops, spoke too soon—they got him good there.

Where'd Bauer get a gun? I thought Curtis took his? Or did he take it back and I missed it?

3:34—Wow. Jack just took down a Sikorsky with a handgun. Sweet.

3:36—Wait, Jack took out three of the bad guys? Stupid liveblogging, I totally missed it.

3:38—We've always known that Jack can count on Audrey. Here's a question, though: does anyone remember how pissed off she got when this year's mole said he thought he was doing the right thing by violating protocols to obey the White House Chief of Staff? How many times now has she violated protocols to obey Jack? I'm just saying, it's a little hypocritical.

Ads—Treo 700 ad. Think they've been reading Blogs4Bauer and decided this woudl be a good show to advertise on, even though Jack's phone is from Sprint?

Oh yeah, and I guess we didn't need a nickname, since Bristow's dead now. The Man, are you keeping count? I've lost track. Again: stupid liveblogging.

3:43—I'm sorry, I know everybody here likes First Lady Weasel, but there is no justification on the planet for a First Lady to be a part of this conversation.

3:45—She is right, though. You can't do what the terrorists want even once. Why? If you give a mouse a cookie...

3:48—Samwise really is a screw-up. That's all I have to say about that.

Ads—Could just be me, but V for Vendetta looks pretty much to be The Matrix mixed with A Brave New World. Still, that could be a really good mixture.

Another local news ad—and I'm still ok with the ports being run by an Arab company. Eew. Chloe should not be talking about nudity. I really hope it's not her or Penis-nose. That would be a great way for Kim to return, though...

3:56—A friendly Russian? Do those exist?

3:57—Whoa, did anyone else catch that look between the two First Ladies? "Thank you for your hospitality." What kind of hospitality could that be, if you get my meaning...

3:59—Wait, what does the First Lady think she can accomplish by riding into the kill zone? And good for whats-his-name the Secret Service guy. At least somebody knows what his job is and sticks to it.

Well, that's that. Next week, we have Cola threatening a Red Shirt when Samwise tries to have him arrested. Sweet.

And yes, The Man, Fox5 is reporting that there will be nudity on 24. I'll watch Fox5 News at 10 and post an update here when we get more details.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count

Editor's Note: Kim Bauer will not be back this week. The "Kim is on the next show" stunt was an effort to drive up hits from people googling "Kim Bauer". We are sorry for playing with your feelings.

What has Kim been doing since she left CTU? Well first she polished her hockey skills for the Dundas Cyclones while working as a curator of a museum on President Lincoln. Kim Bauer then trained and took third place in the 5,000 and the 1 mile run for Hamilton College's track team and was named Rookie of the Week.

As you can tell, Kim has been way too busy to help CTU save Los Angeles and return RFTRs letters.

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy ~ Guess - 4
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR ~ Guess - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL ~ Guess - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL ~ Guess - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob ~ Guess - 5
Episode 8 - 15 Bodies
Lawhawk ~ Guess - 17

Friday, February 17, 2006


Attention 24 fans! My friend Deathlok found Kim Bauer!! It appears she has been vacationing in Turin. Check it out here.
Counterpoint: Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little."

My name is Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, former commanding officer of Guantanamo Bay Naval Base. You liberals know it better as Camp Gitmo. Previously, you heard an argument from two of history's greatest jokes, president William Clinton and his vice-idiot, Al "I invented the internet" Gore. (I refuse to capitalize their titles, due to the great harm they have done this country in their near decade of disservice. They must have been sailors.)

These "men" would have you believe that it is our duty to turn over Jack Bauer - a national treasure, by the way - to those yellow devils of the Orient. This move would be yet another blunder by an ambiguously gay duo that was responsible for American citizens' deaths in the first WTC attack, Somalia, and Kosovo. Giving Bauer to the Chinese is comparable to a death sentence; for a man who has saved the lives of two Presidents, as well as those of this great country. Clinton says he feels China's pain. How can that be, when he is usually feeling other women's asses?

There are still 19 canisters - Not 15. Got your numbers wrong again, Bill - somewhere in the vicinity of Los Angeles. Jack Bauer is the most qualified asset in place to find them before the unthinkable happens. Clinton and Gore's "cut and run" idea will endanger this nation, and it is totally unacceptable. So we tick off a billion Chinamen; there's plenty more where that came from.

Finally, Clinton and Gore can keep their speed skaters, General Tso's Chicken, and the like. Real men prefer chili dogs, baseball, and muscle cars.

Clinton and Gore need a Code Red. On the double!

Point: It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Beware of Men With Guns and Gasmasks Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this scene
2) Email photoshops to Blogs4Bauer

Photoshop Entries
- Citizen Grim
Point: It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Jack Bauer's a wanted man, a criminal in my eyes and in the eyes of our Chinese friends. Agent Bauer's actions in the name of "national security" led to the needless death of a Chinese embassy official. I feel China's pain. (dramatic pause)

Before long, the Chinese-version of CTU will catch on that Frank Flynn looks like and Jacob Rossler sounds like the Jack Bauer. It will not be long before they know that Bauer must be alive and therefore not dead anymore. I hate sending Secret Service goons to take out a friend just like any other President, but sometimes it has to be done. (longer, more dramatic pause)

I know there are still something like 15 canisters of deadly nerve gas still out there with Badger and his crew. But without the unlock code, the terrorists...errr I mean the militants cannot do anything but admire the shiny coating of the canisters. Trust me, we have nothing to fear. It's not like they'll find a way to bypass the arming mechanism and disperse the gas in a crowded place, like a mall.

My best friend, Al Gore would like to address another issue we hold dear.

"Ahhhh.. BBushhhhh Oooiiillll! Uhhhh.
The gas guzzling Ford Explorers which CTU drives around in are the root causes of GLOBAL WARMING!! Ahhhhh. Go see my movie. Thanks"

Thanks Al. My fellow Americans; China provides us with vital resources like speed skaters, General Tso's Chicken, and those little plastic things on the end of shoe laces. What's the point in jeopardizing this partnership by letting Jack Bauer go unpunished? CTU and Division have enough quality agents, hot babes, and Edgars to get the job done without Jack's help. If I were President Logan, I'd have my Attorney General send in the troops to take him back to the imprisoned life he deserves, Elian-style.

Counterpoint: Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little."

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Jack's Thighs of Steel Make Kill Counter Debut
Another bad guy found out that you should never approach a hand-cuffed and unconscious Jack Bauer. You should always take your kill shot at a safe distance, before Jack Bauer gets you in his lethal thigh-vise. When your boss tells you to go kill Frank Flynn/Jacob Rossler/Jack Bauer, don't wait until he catches a glimpse of you in the video monitor next to Tony's body, because then it is too late.

The B4B Kill Counter jumped up 18 kills mainly due to the nerve gas pumped into the mall by a group of bad guys. While Jack managed to save one girl, a disturbing question must now be asked. Who leaves their child alone in a mall? Even worse, did the mother take off running when she saw Jack Bauer running around with the gas mask?

The Official Jack Bauer Kill Counter has been updated.
B4B Fight Club: Badger v. Sawyer. Who wins?

'Badger': '24'
Age: mid-to-late thirties
Nationality: Made-up Breakway Russian Republic
Occupation: Terrorist
Death Count: 2 Direct (Motorcycle shop guy and Mole) 10-20 indirect (gassed mall-rats)
Strengths: Vicious and ruthless
Weaknesses: Maybe not such a big man when you take the gun away from him
Curious Detail: His name isn't really Badger

'Sawyer': 'Lost'
Age: mid-to-late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Con Man
Death Count: 1.0 (flew to Australia then killed the wrong man)
Strengths: Outsmarted Jack, Locke, and Ana Lucia to control all the guns on the island
Weaknesses: GSW to the shoulder not fully healed, chicks (Kate and Ana Lucia) known to get the drop on him, also nearsighted.
Curious Detail: His name isn't really Sawyer

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Forget Nerve Gas, Kim's Missing!
Jack placed a call to CTU at 1:11pm to bring Kim in for her safety. Does this mean that Jack thinks her home was not equipped with those socket covers to keep her from sticking her fingers in or if a gang of cougars escaped from the LA zoo?

It's a proven fact that Jack Bauer takes approximately 4 minutes and 15 seconds to get anywhere in the Los Angeles area. If you throw in traffic on the 405, it could take up to 5 minutes. We know that Kim inherited most of her mother's accident prone qualities, while Jack only passed on his family's ability to talk to snakes. But surely some of Jack's time-bending genes should have been passed down. It seems that no one at CTU or Fox is alarmed that Kim has taken close to 2 hours to check in at CTU.

I took the initiative and alarmed the people at Fox (see below). Someone should tell Jack to ignore the order from Edgar to steal a batch of nerve gas-laced glazin-raisin pretzels from the abandoned Aunt Annie's booth and send out a search party ASAP.

Monday, February 13, 2006

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 pm and 3:00 pm

2:00:00 to 2:13:54

Sam Gamgee returned to CTU after being rolled by Cartman's Mom and John McCain. Chiggy Killer fills him in on the latest... Hannibal Connery being dead, Badger putting up the nerve gas canisters on eBay, that sort of thing. Badger calls back, leaves instructions without speaking. Jack Bauer doesn't even have to fake his villain voice from Phone Booth. Jack realizes he can imitate Hannibal Connery, since the terrorists have never met him. He immediately begins making lip-smacking-slurp noises and calling Token 'McCloud' in the hearty Irish brogue of a fifteenth century Spanish nobleman.

Dick Cheney enters the president's office, and tries to explain away the pattern of buckshot on Sid Blumenthal's face. He suggests that now that Sid Blumenthal is dead and all, there's no need to go public with Sid's role in helping the terrorists. He suggests they make up a cover story that Sid Blumenthal was overworked and despondent and committed suicide, and then they can dump the body in Fort Marcy Park. President Weasel doesn't think Mary Todd Weasel will go for it. Then, Mary Todd's assistant-babe goes to Mary Todd and asks her what's the haps. Mary Todd tells assistant-babe that Sid committed suicde because he was a traitor. She refuses to go into detail, but because the Move-on-dot-org writers are off this week, she doesn't suggest that Sid Blumenthal was working with Mossad and the Carlyle Group.

Then, the action shifts to the parking garage, wear Jack is meeting with the infamous blue van. The terrorists want to see the chip. Jack wants to see the money. There is a brief exchange of "I'll show you yours if you'll show me mine." Jack unzips. The terrorist unzips. "It's bigger than I expected," the terrorist says. Jack smiles, then starts taking orders from Chloe on how to insert his thing into the device. When Jack has finished, they sucker punch him and throw him into the van. "Hey, this wasn't the deal," Jack says.

At CTU, they argue over whether to shag the terrorists now, or shag the terrorists later. They decide to follow them, depending on the terrorists to lead them to Badger and the rest of the Tex-Mex gas canisters.

2:18:13 to 2:24:56

Assistant-Babe shows the press release to Mary Todd, and is outraged to see that they are calling Sid Blumenthal a hero instead of a traitor. Mary Todd storms into the president's office. She wants the president to tell the truth. "All right," President Weasel says. "If you're so hot to tell the truth, you can start by telling the truth to Sid Blumenthal's wife." Mary Todd says, "I'd love to tell her, but I can't because of the evil monkey that lives in my closet."

Meanwhile, the terrorists want to show Jack something. They move a blanket in the van, revealing the gas canisters. "Ain't these cool?" the Terrorist says. Chloe realizes the target is the Sunrise Hills Mall and conveys this to Jack. The terrorists inform Jack that they're going for a trial run at the Sunset Hills Mall. Now, Jack starts getting testy. "I'm not going in the mall with those horrible things," he tells the terrorists. The terrorists put a gun to his head. "On the other hand, I could totally go for an Orange Julius," Jack says.

At CTU, the assault teams are ordered in to prevent the release of the toxic gas. Sam Gamgee calls it off. S4GF is stunned. "But what about all those people at the mall," she points out. Sam Gamgee counter-points. "They bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting into when they went to the mall. I say, let them choke." Of course, sacrificing the mall-walker crowd will let them follow the terrorists back to the other 19 gas canisters. They turn to Chiggy-Killer for the tie-breaker. "We'll ask the president. He always knows what to do."

2:29:22 to 2:37:24

Chloe hacks into the malls internal video surveillance. "We should be able to see Jack," she assures him. Meanwhile, Jack, walking through the mall, can not help but look at all the lives about to be snuffed out. The shoppers, the mothers with strollers, the kids from Dawson's Creek, a group of Girl Scouts singing "We like being alive. We like being alive. We like being. We like alive. We like being alive." The terrorists shoot a rent-a-cop. Then, they being redecorating.

The president calls into CTU, and Sam Gamgee explains the situation. The president has to make a call, let the terrorists release the Tex-Mex gas gets and kill the mall-rats, or send in the assault teams and save the mall-rats. Between 800-900 mallrats will die if they release the gas. The downside to sending in assault teams is that they will lose their chance to grab the other canisters, the terorists will take the canisters elsewhere, and a lot of more productive taxpayers with better things to do than hang out in a mall at 2:30 on a weekday will die. The president says, "Hey, you make the call." "But I don't want to make the call." He asks Cheney to make the call. Cheney says, "Excuse me, I was cleaning my bird rifle, what was the question?" The president makes a choice. "Gas 'em! Gas 'em good!"

Chlose transmit the arming code to Jack as he works on the trigger. "Alpha Kilo Charlie"

"Echo Bravo Charlie" Jack says, he's always was a bit dyslectic when it came to military alphabets. The code doesn't work. Then, the terrorists beat him up. The skinny, long-haired terrorist drags Jack to the side and cuffs him to a table next to the dead rent-a-cop. The terrorists have found another way to release toxic gas. They place an order for 4,000 Taco Bell burritoes.

2:41:44 to 2:49:27

The terrorists work on making the canister work. They are cross-connecting many colorful wires. Jack revives and tries to free himself. Meanhile, back at CTU, Audrey tries to talk the others into not letting the toxic TexMex gas be released. "Think of the children!" she beseeches them. But Sam Gamgee and Chiggy Killer are male and pro-choice. "Gas the brats!"

The terrorists activate the Tex-Mex gas canisters. Jack revives and pries the rent-a-cop's gun from his cold dead hands. He puts on the gas mask and uses the walkie-talkie antenna to get his keys. At some point, he kills one of the two terrorists. Then, Jack de-activates the gas. Chiggy Killer orders Cola to move in. Jack sticks up a mall manager to find out where the ventilation controls are. It's near the food court, behind a Del Taco, which will make it really difficult to isolate the source of the toxic gas. Jack runs through the mall with a gun and a gas mask yelling "Blarrrrh! Blarrrh!" to scare people into leaving. As Jack moves into the food court, people are choking, collapsing, writhing in agony. It's worse than that time Edgar got carry-out from Chili's.

Jack shuts down the ventilation system and puts his gas mask on a little girl, then carries her out of the mall. "I need 50 cc of little-girl revival juice, stat!" He orders. Token brings it. He injects it into the girl. The girl lives. Next, Jack runs toward a large, black, SUV. The surviving terrorist runs from the mall parking lot, finds a non-descript beige sedan, busts a window, and then hot-wires it and peels out.

2:53:56 to 2:59:59

The surviving terrorist calls into Badger, and squeals on Jack. He's headed back to Badger. Chloe is tracking him on the computer. Jack Bauer is six blocks behind him in an SUV. President Weasel then begins bitching out Sam Gamgee for letting Jack save the mall-rats against his orders. "Just do your job, or I'll find someone who can. And bring me a live chicken." He slams down the phone, and Cheney calms him down with the body of a fresh quail. Meanwhile, Sid Blumenthal's wife has arrived. Mary Todd goes to meet her, and tell her what a lowdown dirty terrorist scumbag her husband was. They hug. Mrs. Blumenthal kind of looks like a hot version of the chick from Surface who is supposed to be hot but really isn't. "Why? Why would Sid do this? Why? Why?" Mary Todd tells her, "Because he loved his country and he loved you." This seems to make Mrs. Blumenthal feel better. "Also, he was a dirty traitor." (That scene was probably deleted.) Mary Todd walks away and passes her husband, but they exchange no words.

Bacardi and Cola are in hot pursuit of the surviving terrorist.. "We're going to have to hit him hard and fast to keep him from releasing any more Tex-Mex," Jack says. "Put your gas masks on."

Badger watches as the line of inconspicuous black SUV's with CTU logos on the sides reaches the terrorist hide-out. The surviving terrorist gets a call from Badger. "You were followed. You know what to do." The Surviving terrorist puts his gun to his head and... well, he ain't the surviving terrorist any more.

And Badger drives away in an old pick-up truck.

Next week: The Annual "President Orders Jack to be Arrested" episode.
Live Blogging!

Hello, I'm Wyatt and I'll be your server this evening. Tonight's specials are a succulent Kim Bauer over glass, Jack Bauer's blood pudding, and a scrumptious whine, brought to you courtesy of Audrey Raines. And away we go . . .

8:55pm (Earth time) - Skating With Celebrities really brings out the bloodlust in me. Why can't Nancy Kerrigan get a skate blade across the jugular???

2:00pm - "Graphic Violence." (Giggles.)

2:04pm - Tac Teams? Bauer is his own Tac Team!!!

2:06pm - Forget a statement, Mike. Just say the V.P. took him hunting. HA!!!

2:07pm - Why do we have to see Martha's cans all the time, yet we get bupkis from Evelyn???

2:09pm - "Quebec" is used for the letter "Q" on license plates at CTU??? What is "X", "Xylophone???"

2:13pm - Samwise is right. Gotta get to the scene. There's not enough time to interrogate prisoners. BTW, this Live Blogging stuff is hard. The television is behind me, and I am basically listening to the episode, and not watching it. Maybe updating every minute is not the way to go. How am I doing so far? Am I wrecking it?

2:15pm - Anyone else seeing Ultraviolet besides me???

2:18pm - FRAK!!! Blogger just went down!!! Is anyone reading this anymore??? It said to Republish in 10 minutes!!! Frakking, frakking, frak!!!

2:20pm - Okay, we're back! The Mall? Sweet! Those bastards at Pottery Barn are gonna get what's coming to them!

2:22pm - Samwise is right again; from a tactical point of view, the only option is to try for the 19 canisters, as opposed to the one. Now shut yer word hole, Audrey! Nice Jeff Gordon commercial, by the way!!!

2:28pm - No, guys. That's not a two-way radio. I am the youngest man ever to get a hearing aid! SPLAT!!! The count is on: 1 dead guy so far.

2:30pm - If they're gonna take out a stadium later, can they do me a favor and take out the St. Louis Blues? they suck this season!

2:32pm - Welcome to You Make The Call. Will the President grow a spine and let valued Hallmark customers perish, or will he call an audible, and wet his pants?

2:34pm - Have a nice nap, Jack. See, this is why Vic Mackey would win the B4B Fight Club: Vic would have released the gas!

2:37pm - Okay, how many people are NOT gonna see Running Scared? The Billy Crystal film of the same name was much better.


2:42pm - Kills a guy while cuffed. NICE! 2 dead so far.

2:43pm - Jack looks like Psycho Mantis. Sorry, videogame reference.

2:44pm - RFTR, are you keeping track of the bodies??? Looks like it's gonna be a bundle.

2:46pm - How come everyone in Hollywood knows how to hotwire a car? Cripes, I'm a cop, and I can barely do it! Looks like Kim wasn't in the mall. Blast!

2:48pm - Bout God-damned time Prison Break is coming back! Bastards!!! Philly Fox affiliate has a story about Chloe and a "bombshell" from the upcoming plot. And speaking of bombshells, is RFTR turning blue yet without his Kim???

2:52pm - "Fatalities limited between 10 and 20 people." Including the bad guy, I think this week has to be a push. Wow, Walt's wife (well, ex-wife) is kinda hot.

2:54pm - Martha wusses out. Predictable.

2:55pm - Where's Kimmy???

2:59pm - Heh. Jack, ya blew it again! And still no Kimmy!!! (Giggling) Sorry, RFTR.

3:00pm - AWESOME!!! Psychedelic Furs "Pretty in Pink!!!" Greatest band . . . ever!!!

All in all, a solid episode. Next weeks looks quite entertaining, and maybe RFTR will fall for the "This week is the week for Kim" bull. That's all for me, enjoy The Ramones!
Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count

How many people are going to die tonight? It appears that Jack's going to join the bad guys and may or may not act on "orders from the president" to release some nerve gas outside the Verizon Wireless booth at some mall. Plus Kim Bauer is coming back, so you know she will not help things. It could be a busy hour at CTU.

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy ~ Guess - 4
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR ~ Guess - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL ~ Guess - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL ~ Guess - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob ~ Guess - 5

It's Official This Time—maybe?
If you believe USATODAY, our lovely Kim Bauer is returning to 24 tonight.

Get excited.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

B4B Fight Club: Jack Bauer vs. Vic Mackey

Name: Jack Bauer
Age: Late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: CTU Agent, Scourge of terrorists everywhere
Lifetime Death Count: A lot
Strengths: Killing, torture, origami
Weaknesses: Whiny women, heroin, Barry Manilow

Name: Vic Mackey
Age: Late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Narcotics detective, scourge of IAD
Lifetime Death Count: A lot
Strengths: Killing, torture, aerodynamic skull
Weaknesses: Whiny team members, Salsa music

Yeah, I know what you're thinking; no contest, right? Think again. In my humble opinion, this would be the closest B4B Fight Club match in history. Gentlemen, start your ass-kicking!

(Hat Tip to Deathlok for the idea.)
Starbuck, You Ain't No Jack Bauer

Maybe you took my previous post too seriously. Maybe, you thought that by disguising yourself as a technician so you could infiltrate the space-bar where space-terrorists were holding space-hostages, you could redeem yourself from letting that snotty hotshot Kat bitchify you last week.

But, you're not Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer would have taken out every terrorist but Dana Delaney, who would then have been taken out by a back-up agent while holding a gun to Jack's head. You, on the other hand, got two marines killed, and you, personally, shot Apollo. That would be approximately like Bacardi shooting Cola.

No, Starbuck, you are not Jack Bauer.

But, I still like you ...

Friday, February 10, 2006

Awkward Moments on 24 Caption Contest

1) Caption or photoshop this scene
2) Email photoshops to Blogs4Bauer
Stupid 24 Questions

Did you ever notice that being promoted to upper management at CTU is the equivalent of being on the cover of Sports Illustrated? These civil service bigwigs enjoy a meteoric rise to power, only to never be heard from again after one incident. The current and former occupants of Jack Bauer's office have a higher turnover rate than the local McDonald's.

How come every person that works at CTU has at least one dysfunctional family member? And why are they always stopping by on the worst day of the year? Crack addicts, psychotics, au pairs who suddenly become computer experts; I mean, is this 24 or Jerry Springer?

Is Kim Bauer ever gonna show her, um, face, this season? RFTR's stalking is getting out of control.

Do the folks at CTU ever go out drinking after work?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Point-Counterpoint. C. Montgomery Burns For Rebuttal

First, let me say how proud I am of the Danish people. Not since the days of Hamlet have you so brazenly shown your genitalia. I salute you for it. To those Muslim hordes who have rushed to riot like so many sheep, I say to you, "Continue!." Your violent inbred tendencies have confirmed my suspicions; you are no better than the Illegals I have hosing down my reactor core. But I digress.

"Wavy Gravy" over there is using the same tired old arguments that oil is bad. Why, I remember people rallying against William McKinley for the same thing; and we all know how WM handled that, right? But in this case, I agree with our unkempt idealist. Oil is bad. Nuclear power is good. President Logan needs to unshackle the country from the cavemen of the Middle East, and Charleston into the 1950's. Nuke The Oil, that's my slogan.

President Logan is no racist. He is no James Garfield, either. I knew James Garfield. I served with him. President Logan, you are no James Garfield. He was not ashamed that Martha was re-enacting Mandingo; he was just ashamed that she wouldn't let him watch. For shame. Of course, shipping her to Vermont was not far enough. Logan, I have one word for you: Ceylon.

Finally, Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola. An incompetent, wishy-washy puppet is just the thing a billionaire needs to acquire more power. Dennis Kucinich is not the answer. Vote Strom Thurmond in '08. He's just the sort of new blood for which this country yearns.

Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

B4B Fight Club: Curtiss vs Sayid. Who Wins?

Curtiss Manning: '24'
Age: late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: CTU Agent
Current Season Death Count: 4 (weapons: gun)
Strengths: Physical strength, experience in the art of torture, smoldering intelligence
Weaknesses: Shoot, I don't know
Curious Detail: Helps Jack (Bauer) torture people, thwarts terror attacks in America

Sayid Jarrah: 'Lost'
Age: late thirties
Nationality: Iraqi
Occupation: former Republican Guard
Current Season Death Count: 0.5 (partial credit for letting Shannon take a bullet)
Strengths: Physical strength, experience in the art of torture, smoldering intelligence
Weaknesses: Gets sulky after torturing people
Curious Detail: Helped Jack (Shephard) torture Sawyer, thwarted terror attack in Australia

Impeach ChimpyMcLogan ASAP
Let me start out this week by showing my support for our rioting muslim friends. President Weasel should not have submitted his crude cartoons of Muhammad to that rightwing Danish Newspaper. For this reason I will no longer steal Danishes from the corner deli and I plan on throwing out my bong made from Legos. I'd probably riot and burn things as well if USA Today published crude cartoons of Jethro Tull.

All I'm asking for is a television president who speaks the truth and who doesn't march to the beat of Wal-MarHalliburExxon in search of ways to lie to the American viewers for more oooiiillll. I know that is too much to ask for from FOX. But, the neo-cons have succeeded in having the other channels cancel both The West Wing and Commander in Chief, which dared to have progressive leaders. All we are left with is President Weasel (aka ChimpyMcBushilter). So what if Geena Davis and her huge lips drew fewer viewers than the Westminster Dog Show reruns on ABC Family? How can Hillary become our next president if people are not allowed to watch a woman lead us on television? At least her brief presidency exposed the real life of a progressive mind amongst Repub-o-thugs like Donald Sutherland.

President Weasel is also a racist, man. He recently tried to send his crazy hot wife (or is it crazy, but hot) Martha Logan to Vermont. You know, spending time smoking Vermont hash, eating Ben and Jerrys, and drinking maple syrup does not sound all that bad to me man. President Bush...eerr I mean Logan was doing it because Martha was getting phone calls from African-American men at all hours of the night. Now imagine if Laura Bush and Michael Steele were making late-night booty calls, I bet the neo-cons would probably do something like steal Mr. Steele's Social Security number, run illegal credit checks on him, and post racist images on him on their blogs. And you can count on that.

Fox needs to impeach President Logan and install someone who can talk to these terrorists to stop targeting Los Angeles. Someone who can get the muslim/russian/drug dealers to focus their rage onto a "red state" like Alabama. Let's see how the consrvo-jesusfreaks like having nerve gas being dispersed at a Wal-mart in Tuscaloosa instead of a mall in Los Angeles. For this, we need someone like Dennis Kucinich. Why are you laughing?

Would it be too much to ask for Kim Bauer to come back this week? Peace.

Fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!