TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 1:00 pm and 2:00 pm

1:00:00 to 1:11:57

We open with Jack in a helicopter, Chiggy getting the news from Awana Fuqya that Rocket Romano Bauer is dead, and Russet Potato Face (RPF) so upset over Al Bundy's kidnapping she can't make her computer work no matter how hard she scowls at it. She is soon relieved by Kemper. Tom Willis spots Jack's helicopter from his speeding Buick, so his skanky bimbo friend, Courtney Love, starts driving like Brandy on a mild bender. They lose Jack using the old "going under an overpass and switching cars" gag. Jack lands the helicopter and shows up at the abandoned Buick a few seconds too late. Jack has to catch a lift in a gigantic black armored SUV bearing the vanity plates "Pelosi 1" to chase them down. When Tom and Courtney stop to check directions, she whacks him with a shotgun and takes over his career, planning to take Al Bundy to the terrorist Sameer Nagonaworkhere and keep the seven mills for herself.


1:16:27 to 11:25:22

President Jim Belushi Palmer is having a heart-to-heart with Caged Weasel, just as Julian Bashir's SR-71 lands at Andrews AFB, meaning he will be at the top secret Batcave in about five minutes. Caged Weasel then leaves and throws a hissy fit the likes of which have not been seen since Commander in Chief was canceled. He's so mad at Belushi for not rounding up all the A-rabs he's going to resign. His assistant, Rodent Boy, immediately calls a man we'll call Silky Pony, who initiates the bi-annual "scheming against the president" sub-plot.

Chiggy greets Patsy Ramsay Bauer and Jack Jr at CTU. Jack Jr looks around appreciatively and wonders if he could get a job there. After all, Kim did, and she couldn't even download from limewire without his help. Chiggy gently breaks the news to Patsy. "Everyone who's husband wasn't tortured to death today take one step forward. Not so fast, Patsy."

Meanwhile, Courtney Love delivers Al Bundy to Sameer and his goons. Courtney wants her money, but Sameer makes her wait. Sameer orders Al to make a device to reprogram the bombs. When Al refuses, Sameer threatens to marry him off to a red-head and her two obnoxious children.


01:29:45 to 01:38:54

Kemper is working the phone trace, but he sucks at it and RPF has to bail him out. By reversing the polarity of the warp field, she deduces the location of the phone that Tom Willis made his last call to. The location is relayed to Jack, who deploys yet another tactical team. Considering how CTU burns through Tac Teams, they must have like 200 of them or something. Tactical Teams are the paper towels of CTU.

Julian Bashir is brought into the super-duper top secret Batcave under heavy guard. President Jim Belushi warns Bashir, "I'm giving Sameer one more chance, but if even one more nuke goes off, then, I'm going to the Security Council and asking for a resolution, unless the French veto it." He wants Bashir to renounce terrorism on TV, but Bashir refuses, "Unless I can be on Oprah." Oprah has massive respect in the Arab world. Belushi suggests ten seconds on a couch with Oprah and Letterman.

Back in LA, Jack and his expendable tactical team are preparing their assault, but there are too many apartments to check out. Jack tells Chloe to trip the building's fire alarms to empty it out. Inside, the terrorists are giving Al Bundy a swirly. The fire alarm goes off, but they ignore it and Sameer goes after Al Bundy with a power drill. Courtney Love tries to run out, so, Sameer caps her. Seeing her dead and with a 5/8 Black-and-Decker bit protruding from his shoulder, Al Bundy wusses out. "OK, I'll make your stupid detonator."


1:43:02 to 1:50:52

Rodent Boy tells Caged Weasel not to resign, and hints at a dark conspiracy to take out the president and put VP Jim Jones in charge. Caged Weasel presses for details, but Rodent Boy then denies he knows anything about a plot. "I was just... um... talking about the plot of that excellent Fox Program "Prison Break." Mondays at 8 eastern, 7 central."

Meanwhile, infrared shows that three apartments in the building RPF traced the call to are still occupied. Chloe immediately pulls phone and lease records and eliminates two possibilities. Then she gets a subpeona from the ACLU for domestic spying. Jack and his tactical team move in on the apartment just as Al Bundy finishes the device. Sameer takes out a nuke, and orders Bundy to arm it, which Bundy does. Then, Sameer orders his goons to kill him, and Jack again shows up a few seconds too late to thwart the terrorists. But, there is an exciting shootout just as Sameer escapes. Bundy is hurt but alive. "Mr. Bauer, you need to see this," says one of the Tac Team dudes. Sameer has left behind a dead bimbo and an armed nuke, which, in violation of all the laws of TV and film, does not have a large red LED display counting down the seconds to detonation.


01: 55:14 to 1:59:59

Jack has three minutes to disarm the bomb (which means Sameer was counting on Jack disarming it since he didn't even leave himself enough time to get out of the blast radius). RPF talks Jack through disarming the bomb, which he finishes with like 00:00:000000000001 seconds left on the clock. Everyone is relieved except Al Bundy, who is distraught that he actually gave Sameer a working bomb, but to cut him some slack, it was that or eat Peg's cooking.