Wednesday, February 28, 2007
by Kent Brockman
Good evening this is Eye on Springfield and it's time for the news. Liberty City defeats the Isotopes 4 to 3. Duff Beer stock sinks on news that Lindsey Lohan refuses to drink it's product. The war in Central Asia continues to stress our military as Captain Horatio McCallister has been recalled to serve. Finally, in My Two Cents, I would like to acknowledge the events of the past few weeks. People of Springfield, the end is near (finally)!
My fan blog has noted if I had donated a dollar each time that I thought the world was coming to an end, Springfield Elementary School would probably have been able to stop charging kids to use the restrooms. The mutant space ant incident comes to mind, that was a slight overreaction on my part. However the nuking of LA was the literal straw that broke my back.
Now I don't want to be overly pessimistic, but our latest computer models state that we're all going to die in a really brutal manner over the next few days. If the bus you ride to work doesn't explode, the sniper on the rooftop will get you. If you manage to make it home, some terrorist will likely detonate a nuclear bomb around the corner and turn your family into a carbon imprint on your cheap microfiber couch. Just remember this is not meant to cause panic, I'm a trained professional. On a lighter note, our demise should be relatively painless, except for the Italians and people named Steve who will likely burn in hell.
The question you are probably asking is what Kent Brockman will do while we wait for the end of times. Well I plan on doing something I've wanted to do for a very long time. Loot.
As I grab my shopping cart and baseball bat, there's only one thing left to do. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay...(click)
Counterpoint: Kent Brockman Sucks Wet Farts Out of Dead Pigeons
by Peter Griffin
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
1. “Need a hug?”
2. “Yo, Chief? Notice that light outside brighter than 10,000 suns? Maybe you shouldn’t have given Fayed that one more chance.”
3. “Don’t be silly. We’ve had unisex bathrooms in the White House since the first Clinton Administration.”
4. “What did you just say about my ‘smooth, chocolatey head?’”
5. “No, Tom, I do not know where you can score some crack.”
6. “The good news is, we found Behrooz. The bad news is, he was in a cage in Barney Frank’s basement wearing a gimp costume.”
7. “Just sayin, Graem was a red-head, Marilyn’s a brunette, the kid’s blond like Uncle Jack. Just sayin’ Just puttin’ that out there.”
8. “Hide ‘em all you want Tom, but one day, when you least expect it, I *will* pull your finger.”
9. “For the last time, Tom, I will not open my address to the nation with ‘Excuse me while I whip this out.’
10. “What do you mean my sister just clocked Aaron Pierce, with her cell phone?”
4:00:00 to 4:12:32
Whistler calls Sameer Nagonaworkhere and basically, they need another three hours to put together the warheads and the delivery systems, thus setting up the time frame for the next 3 - 4 episodes. Apparently, they intend to deliver the bombs using some kind of stealthy drone built with "American taxpayer dollars."
V the K: (raising his hand) Question?
24 Producer: (rolling eyes) What is it, Mr the K?
V the K: "Why do they need to steal drones when the terrorists have already shown they have suicide bombers? We've seen they can pretty much fly helicopters anywhere they want, so we know there are no airspace restrictions in effect. So, wouldn't it be easier for them just to get a few Piper Cubs and ...Ow! Stop hitting me!
Back at the batcave, President Jim Belushi has a new aide, who looks like Sondra from Space 1999. Belushi is receiving the Ambassador from Durkadurkastan. The Ambassador and Bashir get along like Rosie and Donald. "I recognize Mr. Bashir. He's the terrorist who killed my seven year old son." "No, you're the terrorist," Bashir says. "Nunh Unh." "Unh Huh!" "You're fat!" "You have icky hair!" Belushi presents his "smarter, tougher" scheme to end terrorism. "Bashir will tell all the terrorists to disarm, chill, and open up 7-11's... and, voila, peace will rule." But his plan requires that all three of them go on TV and sing "Kum Ba Yah" together. The Ambassador balks, but then Belushi threatens to lock him in a Motel Six with his sister Cynthia McKinney Belushi for a 227 marathon. The ambassador collapses and begs for mercy. Belushi whacks him with his cell phone. Also at the batcave, Rodent Boy escorts the assassin, Random Task, through security. Their plan is simple: detonate the bomb when Bashir and Belushi are together. Make it look like one of those suicide bombings CAIR tells us never happen.
Back at CTU, Jack calls in from the Grand Mal hotel. He needs a helicopter to take to Chuck Logan's place in Hidden Valley, where the former president runs a successful ranch dressing business. It seems that after the former president assassinated David Palmer, conspired with terrorists to mass murder Americans, and attempted to murder his own SecDef, he was essentially sentenced to a "time-out." Chiggy agrees to send a chopper since Chuck "Obi-Wan" Logan is their last hope. As he leaves the hotel, Jack sees Patsy Ramsey Bauer and Jack Junior. Jack promises to explain everything to Jack Jr. when all this is over (in about 13 hours). That conversation will probably begin, "You see, when a man loves his brother's wife very much..."
4:16:55 to 4:23:38
Al Bundy has been trying to decode some hoosahmuhfudge from the Russian Safe House and failing. RPF suggests he tries reversing the polarity and triaxilating the subspace harmonics. "Of course, why didn't I think of that." Then she tells him he should call his sponsor. He says he already did. Then, RPF gets confronted by Awana Fuqya, who wants Al Bundy relieved from duty because she thinks he's been drinking. She also found a pack of cigarettes in Greg Brady's letterman jacket, and she's going to tattle about that, too.
Jack arrives at Hidden Valley Ranch after a semi-realistic 10-minute chopper ride. Obi-Wan Logan claims that the time-out worked, he's had time to think about what he has done, and he knows of someone who can help Jack recover the nukes, the Russian Consul, Ivana Jackoff. Jack scoffs, "CTU checked him out already." "He won't talk to you, but he'll talk to me," Obi-Wan says. Jack agrees to put on a suit and go with Obi-Wan to that "wretched hive of scum and villainy" known as the Russian Consulate,
4:28:03 to 4:34:58
Jack calls President Belushi. Belushi is not down with the plan because he thinks Obi-Wan will try to escape. Meanwhile, in the basement of the Batcave, Rodent Boy comes in, "Is it a bomb yet?" Random Task hits him with a wooden spoon. "It'll be ready when it's ready," Rodent Boy realizes the import of their plot. "Dude, we are like killing the president." "Dude," Random Task agrees. Then, they air guitar each other.
Back at CTU, Chiggy Killer is handing out assignments. "Bundy, you're out. RPF, take over for Bundy." But then, Bundy makes the Puss 'n' Boots face and Chiggy keeps him on, over the objections of Awana Fuqya, who thinks he has a drinking problem. "I do not have a drinking problem" Bundy insists as he dumps a glass of water into his eye socket.
4:39: 22 to 4:49:13
Awana Fuqya is still gunning for Bundy, and she's ready to nail him for not putting the right covers on his TPS reports. Then, RPF gets a call from Bundy's sponsor, and finds out he hasn't called her in like two years. So, then RPF busts in on him while he's on the toilet. "J'accuse!" she confronts him about lying about talking to his sponsor. "Wrong sponsor," he tells her. Chastened, she leaves, and we find out he really was drinking. Who cares? Why has valuable "Jack killing people" time been wasted with this stupid sub-plot?
Meanwhile, a naked Obi-Wan Logan talks to himself in the mirror. "Would you f**k me? I'd f**k me. I'd f**k me hard."
Back at the Batcave, Caged Weasel is coughing, so Rodent Boy takes pity on him, takes off his gag, spits on a handkerchief and wipes the smudges off his bald little head. He asks Weasel if he was ever really on their side. Weasel says no, so Rodent Boy bites him on the cheek and gives him rabies. RB then checks on Random Task, who has finished turning his tape recorder and two highlighters into a bomb, and hands it over to Rodent Boy to put on the president's podium.
4:53:35 to 4:59:59
So, Rodent Boy discreetly places the bomb in the podium. Bashir spots it before it goes off, but it explodes in to a "goodness gracious great ball of fire" probably large enough to wound the president without killing him, but good enough to put VP Jim Jones in charge of the country.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Check back in at 9:00PM EST as we rejoin Jack and the gang at CTU.
We're in recap time - just so you know where we're at. Jack's dad is a ruthless SOB, and we know Jack didn't fall far from the tree. Ex President Weasel is somehow connected in all this... and fade to black:
Shadowy Russian talking with the Islamic terrorist, and Russian thug assistant isn't happy that they're working together, foreshadowing of events to come? Terrorists double crossing terrorists? Well, if the US government can have moles within moles, why not?
So, what is the backstory between the Ambassador and Bashir?
4:07: Jack calls in to explain that things are complicated. Five block perimeter and where exactly are those cops going to come from? Wasn't there a nuclear blast in Valencia earlier today?
Weasel brokered a deal to get obstruction of justice and is under house arrest - now that's American justice for you.
Jack also promises to explain to Jack Jr. exactly what the score is. Jack 1. Rocket Romano 0.
So, moving back to the latest conspiracy to kill or maim a US president, Numb3rs is tied up and the heavy is helping to deal with him. Numb3rs is going to wish he was back on Ally or with FBI protection right about now.
And fade to commercial at 4:12PM - tick tick tick.
Why is it that the conspiracies to take down the President are so complicated? You would think that they'd have learned KISS in evil business management school. Keep it simple, stupid!
4:16PM: What's with the new music? And the Chad is certainly having problems keeping a story straight - any one.
Al Bundy needs to get on his A game. Thank goodness RPF is standing over his shoulder and leaning in every now and then...
A tortured Al Bundy who knows that he helped let terrorists detonate a nuke in Valencia is still better than 90% of CTU tech staff? What is this? Amish Tech Support?
4:19PM: Weasel finally meets Bauer. Again. Weasel isn't the same man he was? Oh really? Russian consul general Markov is involved. Backchannels - meaning getting Weasel back in the game?
I don't trust you. - Now that's understatement.
4:24PM Jack phones in soon to be ex-President Palmer to ask for a furlough. Of course, Palmer doesn't like this. Figures.
There are serious trust issues here.
4:31PM Meanwhile, a box truck carrying yet more henchmen arrive at an aircraft dump site, and they've got a new toy?
Chiggy is busy handing out assignments and Bundy isn't happy that his job is being reassigned to others. He fights for his job and wins. Chiggy's decision stands. Not quite the same as when he was on the USS Saratoga - don't question his judgment.
Meanwhile, Chad Lowe and Duck Tape are busy preparing to assassinate soon to be ex-President Palmer.
*** Commercial break time ***
So, anyone think that the Silver Surfer will help fix what ails the Fantastic Four? Help with those trust issues? Dunno, but the effects are pretty neat.
Will someone please help Weasel clean up? A photo of Red Foreman's one true love in happier times. One step at a time. Yeah, we can count off steps until you're tossed from the roof of a building.
4:43PM: Al Bundy has been lying about the AA. Not a good sign for his drinking habit. Marching into a men's room isn't worried. It's obsessed.
Or the start of something mighty interesting?
Numb3rs is busy applying logic and reasoning to a conspiracy. Nice stuff. Chad is starting to get jumpy. Binary liquid explosives? We know how that worked out in Die Hard with a Vengeance. Press 624 Enter. 10 feet radius. He can do this.
Because this hour is super super slow, I'm going to have to do something to improve the mood.
Yes. That'll do nicely.
Attention on deck. Assassin in the room.
9:53 Soon to be dead Ex-Palmer is questioning Chad about the whereabouts of Numb3rs, and that's going to spell bad news for all involved. If only Numb3rs was just a bit taller. Duck tape states the obvious - why keep this guy alive.
Bashir figured out that there was a bomb. Now, did he make it out alive? He's cutting it close. Bashir looks dead. Palmer? He's down... and call in the medical team.
Sheesh. I could have condensed that entire episode down to one word. Slow. All the action saved for literally the last five seconds.
Well, whoever picked no points for the kill counter will be pleased to know that they were right. Those hoping for Jack to get his mojo back are disappointed. But, we have the potential for another ex-Palmer. An even trade? I don't know.
That's all for tonight's episode, stay tuned for V the K's tivo recap, which will probably be distilled to one thing - lots of Kim pictures, because there wasn't much else to do.
Will the return of Logan get the Kill Counter going? Will Josh finally find out the truth about his father? Will the HEROs continue to pimp-slap 24 in the ratings war?
Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner will be posted next Monday.
Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points
Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
Don't believe me? Well, check out today's NY Post.
That's right. Jack Bauer painted a portrait of NYC Mayor Bloomberg because he likes him. In true Jack Bauer form, the painting took him only 3 minutes and 12 seconds to complete.
A Brooklyn office, which houses gifts yet to be sorted for the archives at Bush Terminal in Sunset Park, currently holds three portraits of the mayor, one in a blue motif, another in which he seems to resemble Regis Philbin and a third, by Staten Island artist Jack Bauer, that bears a striking likeness.
Bauer said he decided to paint the mayor simply because he likes him
When the ninjas and robots begin to shimmy, it's time for me to rundown this week's match up. We have two villains in this week's match up. Sherry Palmer played the role of mole while Mandy has been nothing but a terrorist. Did I mention that she was a lesbian terrorist? That's Shat-tastic!
Here are the profiles, make your selection using the poll below. The voting ends Sunday (3/4) and the next match up of Collette Stenger and Teri Bauer will be posted on Monday (3/5).
Click Here for the updated bracket
Name: Sherry Palmer
Strengths: Conniving, shrewd, slept with David Palmer
Weaknesses: Did not go with Allstate in the end.
Curious Detail: Was one of the only people during Day 1 to change clothes, she changed six times.
Occupation: Lesbian terrorist/Mile High Club member
Strengths: Shatner thinks the lesbian thing is a nice strength.
Weaknesses: Tony's soul patch
Curious Detail: Actually earned 11,000 Bonus Miles for being a passenger on flight 221.
Last Week's Round 1 Results
The race between Nina Myers and Audrey Raines was never close. I really don't nose what did Audrey in.
Nina Myers (78% - 258 votes)
Audrey Raines (22% - 74 votes)
Friday, February 23, 2007
by George Takei
Hi, I'm George Takei. And recently, I was distressed to read the comments of Curly Bill Brocius. In a previous '24' Point/Counterpoint, Curly writes:
"Wayne Palmer is a tree-hugging, hippie pansy."As a gay man and as a human being, I was shocked and saddened. But I want you to know, "Curly," that on behalf of gay people everywhere, that despite your ugly words, we don't hate President Palmer.
As a matter of fact, we like him.
We like him very much.
We particularly like his large, powerful calves.
His smooth, chocolatey head.
Glazed in man-sweat.
I'll be keeping my eye on President Palmer.
And let it be known that one day, when he least expects it... I will have sex with him.
I Love sweaty tree-hugging pansies!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
by Curly Bill Brocius
My name is Curly Bill Brocius, and I am appalled to be an American. I am so appalled because your President, Wayne Palmer, doesn't have the wontons to protect this country. In my opinion, he is a woman.
What's that? Being called a woman isn't really an insult anymore? Oh, well, how about this: Wayne Palmer is a tree-hugging, hippie pansy? That's okay? Swell.
Back in 1881, my cowboys would have strung up this coward and taken matters into our own hands. Like U.S. Grant and Robert E. Lee, we played for blood. This Palmer cur cannot even make a decision without using his emotions. Well, emotions are for women! You are supposed to be a man, Palmer! Act like one.
Hell, if I had surrounded myself with the likes of a weak-kneed blond woman, a borderline homosexual Chief of Staff, and an annoying, yappy sister, Wyatt Earp would have run us out of town much sooner. You may not be paying attention, but the A-rabs just destroyed a portion of California! Do you realize how many gold and silver mines were obliterated? For the good of the country, you must strike back with an iron fist. And if you won't do so, my cowboys and I are up to the challenge. Just say the word.
Of course, since you are yella, you won't send us a Western Union. Hopefully, that homosexual will betray you, and a man of honor will be named President in your stead. A man like Noah Daniels. There's just something I like about that fella. I just can't put my finger on it . . .
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
OK, so we got Whistler trying to use nukes to start a war between the USA and "Arab Nations." We got Zefram Cochrane Bauer trying to kill Jack and Jack Jr. We got VP Jim Jones plotting to whack president Jim Belushi. And the question on everyone's mind... what the hell Britney? Why'd you shave your head?
Jack picks himself up after last week's explosion and follows in hot pursuit of Patsy Ramsey Bauer and Griff (Kemper). Zef's thugs call in and erroneously report in that Jack is dead. Zef orders them to take Patsy alive so he can find Whistler. Griff and Patsy hid behind a dumpster, and Griff tells Patsy to run while he gives her cover, but almost ends up sacrificing himself for nothing because the silly she-ho doesn't know the meaning of the word "run." Just as Zef's thugs are about to finish off Griff, Jack shows up and whacks one of the thugs, then he offs the other thug, and he's about whack off the third thug, but the thug surrenders. Jack takes a look at Griff's bullet wound and says, "Oh, Snap! Stop cryin', y'big sissy. Who d'ya think you are, Tonya harding?" Then, he turns the charm on Patsy, by which I mean he holds a gun to her face, and she starts singing like Roseanne Arnold. She tells Jack it was Zef who set up the exploding house deal and gives up Whistler's safe house -- 9124 Russian Safehouse Street -- and Jack passes it on to CTU.
"How could I have been so stupid," Jack asks himself, remembering that horrible Simpsons episode he did.
3:12:12 to 3:21:22
Back at CTU, everybody is rubbing it into Al Bundy about what a big hero Griff is, and Bundy goes off. "That's all I ever hear about, anymore. Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" Also, Bundy and Griff had a long-standing bet that if Griff was ever a hero on the same day Bundy helped terrorists arm nukes, Bundy had to become Griff's slave-for-life.
Jack has Patsy call Zef and tell him she'll give up Whistler's location to him, but only in person so she knows Jack Jr is safe. At the Grandma (or Grand Mal) Hotel, Jack Jr is listening in as Zef talks to Patsy about whacking him off. Jack Jr is slightly perturbed by this and tries to escape, but Zef whips out a gun on him and tells him he'll do anything to preserve the family legacy... even if it means killing every possible heir to that legacy.
3:25:46 to 3:32:16
In the Batcave, Caged Weasel hands over President Belushi's itinerary to Rodent Boy. Rodent Boy is pleased, "Great, now all we need is for you to use your security code to get the assassin into the Batcave so he can whack off the president." Caged Weasel hesitates, "Won't using my security codes implicate, um, ME?" Rodent Boy shrugs it off, "Don't worry. We'll blame Richard Jewell."
Meanwhile, Whistler ... oh, who cares it's just a filler scene.
Back in La-La Land, Al Bundy has stepped out to the Kwik-E-Mart to pick up a Red Bull, a pint of Old MacCutcheon 60, and some Altoids. I swear I saw McGuyver make a potent explosive out of those same ingredients, once. Outside the Kwik-E-Mart, Bundy suddenly remembers the episode of the Simpsons Kiefer Sutherland was in and vomits. Just then, RPF calls him and tells him, "the tac team is about to whack off Whistler, and we need you at your station."
In the hotel parking lot, Jack hands Patsy Ramsey a bulletproof best. "Here, put this on." Fondly, she remembers Jack used those exact same words the night Jack Jr was conceived. Then, they head up to the hotel room accompanied by a man in handcuffs ... once again, just like the night Jack Jr was conceived.
3:36:44 to 3:46:57
At CTU, Al Bundy goes into the Infirmary to check on Griff. In the Batcave, Caged Weasel tries to warn security about the plot to assassinate the president, but Rodent Boy listens in and then whacks him with a flashlight, but does not off him.
CTU prepares to launch the operation against Whistler's safehouse. RPF smells alcohol on Al's breath, and can't seem to understand why a guy who was tortured with a power drill and forced to program a nuke for terrorists less than two hours ago might want to take a drink. She tells him to call his sponsor. "Verizon, Nissan, or '23' starring Jim Carrey?" (Heh.) The CTU tac team moves in on the safe house Patsy Ramsey identified, but of course it turns out to be empty.
Zef's hotel room also turns out to be empty when Jack and Patsy get inside. They get a call from Zef and see that Zef and Jack Jr are across the street standing on the roof, with Zef pointing a gun at Jack Jr's head. Jack offers to surrender himself in return for Jack Jr being let go. Zef agrees. Jack then punches out the terrorist thug. "You know, Zef has already paid for the room..." Patsy points out.
3:51:24 to 3:59:59
RPF tells Griff that Al took a drink, but he did not metabolize the alcohol, Clinton wishes he had thought of that one.
Back at the roof of the Grand Mal Hotel, Jack prepares to surrender himself in exchange for Jack Jr. He lifts his shirt to show he's not armed. Zef makes him turn around and show some ankle, then jiggle a little bit. Satisfied, he orders Jack to move forward while Jack Jr moves away. Zef gives Jack a spiel about "I'm a patriot," and "you abandoned me." yadda-yadda-yadda. Then, he orders Jack to get on his knees and prepare to be whacked. Jack seems almost relieved that he's about to die, gives some lame speech about how he never meant to let his father down, he was only trying to live up to his expectations. Jack faintly hears someone whisper, "Beam me up." When, he turns around, Zef is gone, leaving only a a cell phone. A number on the cell-phone reaches Ex-President Weasel from last season. He's looking a little grungy, and he's talking like a stoner explaining Pink Floyd's The Wall, but he claims he can help Jack get to Whistler, for some unspecified personal benefit.
Monday, February 19, 2007
The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (2/22). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (2/21).
This week, the Carnival moves to Little Miss Chatterbox.
-Make sure you vote for this week's match up in the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. With 1% of the vote in, it looks like Nina Myers will breeze past Audrey.
-In honor of the late President Palmer, Happy President's Day! While you are at it, check out this Honda ad that has been airing over the past few weeks in the tri-state (NY,NJ,CT) area. Notice anything odd about the group of presidential rappers? No, not that one of the Adams' are grabbing their crotch. They have Ben Franklin in the ad for a President's Day ad.
24 in 24 words...
Jack's back, father's bad, brother's dead. Arabs setting off Russian nukes. Father set a trap for Jack. Milo and Marilyn are on the run.
Tonight on 24
Jack's father wants him to join the dark side.
-Did they say 24 was on a special time next week? I was too busy looking for pictures of Eric Estrada....
-Milo lost his cell phone. He's screwed. Why didn't he take one grenade and toss it at the bad guys? Even send a couple of shots their way and throw 2?
-Milo, you are so brave. I bet a couple of grenades would come in handy right about now. Add Milo to the CTU Hall of Fame. HOOOLLYYY SHIT
Jack kills 2 (2 points +2 combo) = 4 points
---and there's the rub....It's your pappy.
-"He has my son" Jack: "ditto"
-9741 Glasgow...trust me, it's personal.
Sorry to beat a dead horse, but these commercials are really loud.
The ad agency I work for put out the Taco Bell commercial...
-Token Republo-Islamo girl needs to know that Milo just got lucky. He is going to milk it and try to edge out Morris for "employee of the week...or day".
-Grandpa Bauer really makes you work for his love. Josh should have agreed to watch the Gladiator movies.
-If Josh was really Jack's spawn, he'd have infiltrated the ventilation system and got himself a damn coke.
3:21 Commercial Break
Blades of Glory looks funny...too bad Will Ferrell is in it.
-Weasel sighting. We are going to kill the President on President's Day? How 24 of them.
-Hell of a day. Morris is turning to Altoids? What a shame. Altoids is a gateway drug. Stay away from Altoids kids.
-Jack is sending in another women he loves into a situation where they will likely be in danger.
3:22 Commercial Break
What is Jim Carrey doing? 23?
-Miss Blogs4Bauer Update
Nina Myers (83%)
Audrey Raines (17%)
Ms. Suki (0%)
-Morris is back at the office. He smells of Peppermint. Morris and Milo show each other their scars, Morris wins.
-Here's a random Kate Warner picture for you haters.
-Weasel goes down.... Chad Lowe has gone off the reservation.
-The Altoids have made Morris weak and slow. "I ate an altoid, but I spit them out". Really if anyone deserved an Altoid, it would be Morris. Let the guy have his mints you nagging wench.
-Another hour another tac team...dead.. Ladies and Gentlemen...the new redshirts. Whistler is gone, check for a bomb. Bang.
-Where's Josh? Check the ventilation shaft!
-Jack will surrender. How many times does Jack pull off that move?
3:46 Commercial Break
The Cingular ad is the loudest ad of all time. It got me yelled at by the wife last week.
Reno 911 is another movie to catch this year. So let's recap:
300 - stupid
Reno 911 - awesome
23 - stupid
Blades of Glory - awesome
Useless Fox5 24 News Teaser:
-"You know Jack Bauer. But do you know Kiefer? We detail what he is known for doing on the set"
-Milo and Chloe: "Did you smell his breath" "Yes, it was so minty"
-Jack is unarmed, unless you count his fists and thighs.
-Josh, run to your daddy...I mean Jack.
-24 Guidelines: spill your guts to Jack about your plot....he then turns the table and uses the information to get to the next bad guy.
-"Look what you have become"....Jack saved the world you douchebag. "I had to go my own way".
-Dammit, did someone get that phone number?
CHARLES FREAKING LOGAN? Does that mean that Martha is coming back?
Next week: Charles Logan is back. The President is going to die because Chad Lowe planted a bomb in his desk.
I called 310-597-3781. It's some chick speaking Spanish.
That's all folks. Now I am going on vacation. I'm going skiing in Lake Placid, NY...so keep me and my unbroken legs in your prayers.
The ninjas and robots have begun to dance, that means it's time for our next match up. Jack Bauer had a thing with our two ladies. Nina Myers finally drove Jack Bauer to kill her, while Audrey Raines drove Jack to kill everyone around her before giving her the whole "I've been in China for 2 years" treatment. Who will move on? Better yet...who will survive?
Here are the profiles, make your selection using the poll below. The voting ends Sunday (2/25) and the next match up of Sherry Palmer and Mandy will be posted on Monday (2/26).
Click Here for the entire bracket
Name: Nina Myers
Occupation: CTU Agent/mole.
Strengths: Smart, good-looking, pure evil, bleeds acid.
Weaknesses: Jack Bauer's wrath
Curious Detail: Only Jack Bauer has killed more CTU agents than Nina.
Name: Audrey "Penis Nose" Raines
Status: Widow, but still dating the man who killed her husband.
Occupation: Pain in Jack's ass/Senior Policy Analyst, DOD
Strengths: Immunity to sodium pentothal and a strong brachial artery.
Weaknesses: Every time Jack kills, Audrey's nose gets larger.
Curious Detail: Jack's first words after not speaking during 2 years of torture in China were "where's penis-nose?" in perfect Mandarin.
Last Week's Round 1 Results
Kim Bauer bested Diane Huxley in last week's match up. Those who thought that Kim Bauer would ease her way to the finals must be shaking their heads. Kim squeaked by Diane Huxley in a nail biter and could face Mandy in the next round, someone grab the butter because Kim's toast.
Kim Bauer (51% - 256 votes)
Diane Huxley (49% - 246 votes)
with apologies to Harry Chapin
My child arrived just the other day,
Jack came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to bomb, and nukes astray.
He shot smack while I was away.
And he repressed his emotions, and as he grew,
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad.
Damn it! I'm gonna be like you."
And the warp-drive engine and the talking pig,
Stretch Cunningham and a Russian MiG
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."
Jack joined the Army, just to get away
So much like a man I just had to say,
"Jack, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a snarl,
"I don't have time for this, can I borrow the man-purse.
See you later. Can I have that ... Now!"
And the Sentox gas and the talking pig,
That bitch Nina Meyers, and an oil rig.
"When you coming home, son?" "Damn it, my name's Frank Flynn
And we won't get together again."
I've long since retired and my son's moved away.
He returned from China just the other day.
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind.
He said, "I'd love to, dad, but I don't have time for this.
Terrorists nukes are a hassle, and the Russians are bad,
And it all leads back to you, dad.
The Russian nukes lead back to you."
And as I blew up the house, it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.
And the warp-drive engine and the talking pig,
The penis-nosed chick and the Chinese Brig.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But, when I'm finished with you,
You're gonna wish that you felt this good again.
You're gonna wish that you felt this good again."
This week, Jack goes after his evil father for revenge. I will be liveblogging tonight, so I'll do my best with the Star Wars analogies. If I accidently confuse a Jedi quote with something from Beastmaster, please go easy on me.
Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hours 6-7. The winner will be posted next Monday.
Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
Sunday, February 18, 2007
by Stewie Griffin
Terrific. Now 24 Point/Counterpoint is being lectured by Luke Skywalker - The Force's "D" student. But please, don't let me interrupt you, Luke, you were saying something about seeing the good in your father. Please, continue . . .
SHUT UP, YOU VILE, WRETCHED VIRGIN!!!
Philip Bauer deserves to rot in the bowels of Hell! And I know a thing or two about bad parenting. Why, just the other day Lois barged into my room while I was reading The Wall Street Journal. And her explanation for this unacceptable intrusion?
She wanted to change me! I told her, "Don't forget the taint."
Can you imagine the unmitigated gall? But I digress. Philip Bauer is a deceitful cur who would murder his own son, kidnap his own grandson, and feel up his delightfully attractive daughter-in-law. I mean, when I see Marilyn Bauer, I get half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper!
Any hoo, despite the fact that I actually admire Philip for his murderous tendencies, I believe the prudent thing for Jack Bauer to do here is to beat his father to death with a bowling pin. Go ahead, Jack, really let loose. There are no points taken off for neatness here, okay?
And if you need a hand dismembering Dear Old Dad, give me a call.
Point: I sense the good in Philip Bauer
by Luke Skywalker
Saturday, February 17, 2007
by Luke Skywalker
Jack, I just want you to know, I feel your pain. It's not easy growing up in the shadow of a father who is pure evil. But I am also here to tell you, I feel the good in Philip Bauer. There is still hope for him, Jack. He couldn't bring himself to kill you before and I don't believe he'll destroy you now... especially since that exploding house thing didn't work.
OK, so Philip Bauer supplied the weapon that toasted Valencia. My dad built the fully operational battle station that grilled Alderaan, and still, I found it within myself to forgive him. Philip Bauer was in on the assassination of David Palmer. My dad whacked Obi-Wan Kenobi. My dad destroyed the rebel base at Hoth and most of the rebel fleet at Endor. And, the similarities don't end there. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't your dad also build a robot once? The point is, there is still some good inside him. You have to believe that.
Begin by understanding what turned him to the dark side. Sometimes, it can be something as simple as a series of bad dreams. And your dad didn't even get horribly maimed in a lava flow. And at least you and Graem knew your dad, and didn't get shuffled off to some dirt farmers on a back-asswards planet at the farthest point from the bright center of the universe.
Trust me, at a critical moment, Philip Bauer will turn from the dark side in order to save you, and then he'll die, and then as you burn his corpse in the presence of an army of horrible teddy bears, you'll see a vision of David Palmer and Tony Almeida and, for some reason, Hayden Christiansen.
By the way, you do know that Josh is yours, right?
Friday, February 16, 2007
Look, the best thing that can say about Nina Myers is that she's a devious little bitch. Having said that, she a hot devious little bitch, and only one-third as annoying as Audrey "P.N." Raines. I mourned Nina's death, but would tinkle on Audrey's grave.
This week, I would appreciate you throwing your votes Nina's way. She'd do the same for you . . . before she sold you our to the Serbs, that is.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Strangely enough, since Jack is too busy to save the world to waste his time scouring the local Hallmark store, he gives out homemade Valentine’s cards. Here are ten of his favorites.
10. Audrey, everyone “nose” that I love you.
9. All I need is you . . . and a handful of piano wire.
8. Be Mine . . . or else!
7. I Choo Choo Choose you . . . to die!
6. Happy Valentine’s Day, Josh! Love, Dad.
5. I love you more than a fully loaded shotgun.
4. Cupid shot me with an arrow. Now I’m gonna make him pay.
3. Damnit, we don’t have time for you’re expression of love!!!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue. If you don’t tell me what you know, I’ll garrote you.
And Jack Bauer’s number one favorite homemade Valentine is . . .
1. I stole your heart . . . and I’m going to let you see it before you die.
(Cross-posted at SYLG)
-Ignignokt the Mooninite
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Another hour, another helicopter. This time, it's Sameer Nagonaworkhere landing in the scenic Los Angeles River. Sameer calls Whistler (a.k.a. Miss Gradenko [since the Police are getting back together]) who is disappointed that there are only three nukes left. Whistler is a Russian ultra-nationalist, we learn from CTU, and he's kind of a sore loser about the Cold War, much like Vladimir Putin. Al Bundy returns to CTU and RPF sadly watches him walk in. Then Jack follows, and finally is reunited with his sweet, sweet potato face. After an all-too-brief reunion, Jack goes to talk to his dad about the nukes, as Zefram urgently erases all data from his phone and PDA. Zefram urges Jack not to talk to Patsy or Jack Jr about Rocket Romano. "Jack Jr is taking his father's death pretty hard." Zefram says putting air quotes around "father." RPF visits Al Bundy, but he's all full of emo angst about helping Sameer arm the bomb.
Then, Zefram sneaks out and calls a man I'll call Lurch, and tells him to they'll need to whack Jack. Chiggy then drops the bomb that Jack killed his brother with an overdose of Carville bile. Jack considers this. "Chiggy, in a way this is your fault. I mean, did you think it was a smart idea to put a guy fresh out of Chinese prison in charge of a stressful terrorist investigation?" Chiggy offers to cover for Jack, but Jack says, "No, do this right." Chiggy sighs. "Well, if I must..."
02:20:26 to 2:27:16
Julian Bashir and President Belushi have compromised, and Bashir will Host Saturday Night Live instead of Oprah, and they are working on Bashir's opening monologue... Bashir wants to do a little ditty called "Nuke in a Box." Then they get a call from Jim Jones. Jim Jones is not down with the plan to put Bashir on SNL. Bashir then warns Belushi that if he crosses powerful people, "they will come after you." "Who will come after me?" Belushi asks. "The Langoliers," Bashir warns.
Caged Weasel meets with Rodent Boy in a disused storage room last used for "private stenography sessions" during the Clinton Admin. Caged Weasel wants to know what the plan is. "We're going to get some idiot bloggers to put together evidence that Valencia was destroyed by 'controlled demolition,' and blame the president." He is sure this will bring down the government. To do this, he needs the President Belushi's precise itinerary, particularly with regard to Bashir's upcoming SNL appearance.
02:31:42 to 2:38:42
Jack confronts Patsy Ramsay and offers her an apology, but she says it's not necessary. "Actually, you did me a favor. I often thought of offing him myself." She reveals that all was not well in their house. Rocket Romano was distant, and Jack Jr recently got in trouble at school when a potato-faced girl was caught txting him answers on a Physics exam. Patsy tells Jack, "Once I followed him at night, and he went into a house I heard him talking to some men with Russian accents. Then, I realized he was just watching Rocky and Bullwinkle with Arianna Huffington." "Could you find the house again?" Jack asks her. She thinks so. Jack goes to arrange a car and a tactical team.
While Jack is gone, Patsy asks Zefram, "While we look for the house, do you mind watching Jack Junior?" Zefram is down, "Sure I'd be glad to take him hostage... I mean, back to my place." Chiggy wants Jack to take Kemper along. Zefram calls his pal Lurch and tells him to find and secure a house in West LA. He then returns to Jack Jr, tells him he's taking him home, and asks if he likes movies with Gladiators in them.
02:43:05 to 02:49:16
RPF tells Al Bundy that she needs his help running tactical. "Griff can't run this on his own," she insists. Al Bundy refuses, so she slaps him. He whines at her, "If you're going to save a bloke, save someone who's worth it." She tries to slap him again, but he grabs her. "You know, I just took a power drill to the shoulder. You think a little girly slap is going to have any effect on me." RPF is unimpressed, "Hell of a time to grow a pair, nuke-enabler-boy."
In the car, Patsy's phone rings and it's Zefram, and he wants to be called 'Susan,' (thus explaining why we never see Jack's mom). Zefram tells her, "Do what I say, or I'll hurt JJ. Also, it was me that killed Rocket Romano... and Jon-Benet." He orders her to take Jack to 999 Fake Street. Zefram gets back in his own car, where JJ is waiting, saying, "Well, we can't get back to your place, so, let's go to a Turkish bath house." Jack Jr protests that he doesn't have time for a Turkish bath house.
02: 53: 42 to 02: 59: 59
Al Bundy returns to CTU to help RPF set up the tactical assault on 999 Fake Street, even though she thinks the address sounds suspicious. Patsy tries to warn Jack, but he doesn't have time to listen to her. Jack and the team pull around the side of the house and execute Ye Olde No Knock Warrant. To no one's surprise there is a massive bomb in the house. Jack dives through a window just as it detonates, and Kemper grabs Patsy and pulls off in the tactical van like Lindsey Lohan on a mild bender pursued by Zefram's goons. Kemper sets the van to blow up while he and Patsy run for it. Jack crawls from the wreckage of the house and sees the burning truck.
We open with Jack in a helicopter, Chiggy getting the news from Awana Fuqya that Rocket Romano Bauer is dead, and Russet Potato Face (RPF) so upset over Al Bundy's kidnapping she can't make her computer work no matter how hard she scowls at it. She is soon relieved by Kemper. Tom Willis spots Jack's helicopter from his speeding Buick, so his skanky bimbo friend, Courtney Love, starts driving like Brandy on a mild bender. They lose Jack using the old "going under an overpass and switching cars" gag. Jack lands the helicopter and shows up at the abandoned Buick a few seconds too late. Jack has to catch a lift in a gigantic black armored SUV bearing the vanity plates "Pelosi 1" to chase them down. When Tom and Courtney stop to check directions, she whacks him with a shotgun and takes over his career, planning to take Al Bundy to the terrorist Sameer Nagonaworkhere and keep the seven mills for herself.
1:16:27 to 11:25:22
President Jim Belushi Palmer is having a heart-to-heart with Caged Weasel, just as Julian Bashir's SR-71 lands at Andrews AFB, meaning he will be at the top secret Batcave in about five minutes. Caged Weasel then leaves and throws a hissy fit the likes of which have not been seen since Commander in Chief was canceled. He's so mad at Belushi for not rounding up all the A-rabs he's going to resign. His assistant, Rodent Boy, immediately calls a man we'll call Silky Pony, who initiates the bi-annual "scheming against the president" sub-plot.
Chiggy greets Patsy Ramsay Bauer and Jack Jr at CTU. Jack Jr looks around appreciatively and wonders if he could get a job there. After all, Kim did, and she couldn't even download from limewire without his help. Chiggy gently breaks the news to Patsy. "Everyone who's husband wasn't tortured to death today take one step forward. Not so fast, Patsy."
Meanwhile, Courtney Love delivers Al Bundy to Sameer and his goons. Courtney wants her money, but Sameer makes her wait. Sameer orders Al to make a device to reprogram the bombs. When Al refuses, Sameer threatens to marry him off to a red-head and her two obnoxious children.
01:29:45 to 01:38:54
Kemper is working the phone trace, but he sucks at it and RPF has to bail him out. By reversing the polarity of the warp field, she deduces the location of the phone that Tom Willis made his last call to. The location is relayed to Jack, who deploys yet another tactical team. Considering how CTU burns through Tac Teams, they must have like 200 of them or something. Tactical Teams are the paper towels of CTU.
Julian Bashir is brought into the super-duper top secret Batcave under heavy guard. President Jim Belushi warns Bashir, "I'm giving Sameer one more chance, but if even one more nuke goes off, then, I'm going to the Security Council and asking for a resolution, unless the French veto it." He wants Bashir to renounce terrorism on TV, but Bashir refuses, "Unless I can be on Oprah." Oprah has massive respect in the Arab world. Belushi suggests ten seconds on a couch with Oprah and Letterman.
Back in LA, Jack and his expendable tactical team are preparing their assault, but there are too many apartments to check out. Jack tells Chloe to trip the building's fire alarms to empty it out. Inside, the terrorists are giving Al Bundy a swirly. The fire alarm goes off, but they ignore it and Sameer goes after Al Bundy with a power drill. Courtney Love tries to run out, so, Sameer caps her. Seeing her dead and with a 5/8 Black-and-Decker bit protruding from his shoulder, Al Bundy wusses out. "OK, I'll make your stupid detonator."
1:43:02 to 1:50:52
Rodent Boy tells Caged Weasel not to resign, and hints at a dark conspiracy to take out the president and put VP Jim Jones in charge. Caged Weasel presses for details, but Rodent Boy then denies he knows anything about a plot. "I was just... um... talking about the plot of that excellent Fox Program "Prison Break." Mondays at 8 eastern, 7 central."
Meanwhile, infrared shows that three apartments in the building RPF traced the call to are still occupied. Chloe immediately pulls phone and lease records and eliminates two possibilities. Then she gets a subpeona from the ACLU for domestic spying. Jack and his tactical team move in on the apartment just as Al Bundy finishes the device. Sameer takes out a nuke, and orders Bundy to arm it, which Bundy does. Then, Sameer orders his goons to kill him, and Jack again shows up a few seconds too late to thwart the terrorists. But, there is an exciting shootout just as Sameer escapes. Bundy is hurt but alive. "Mr. Bauer, you need to see this," says one of the Tac Team dudes. Sameer has left behind a dead bimbo and an armed nuke, which, in violation of all the laws of TV and film, does not have a large red LED display counting down the seconds to detonation.
01: 55:14 to 1:59:59
Jack has three minutes to disarm the bomb (which means Sameer was counting on Jack disarming it since he didn't even leave himself enough time to get out of the blast radius). RPF talks Jack through disarming the bomb, which he finishes with like 00:00:000000000001 seconds left on the clock. Everyone is relieved except Al Bundy, who is distraught that he actually gave Sameer a working bomb, but to cut him some slack, it was that or eat Peg's cooking.
You would think that Jack would be pumped up with his daughter taking a huge lead in the first round of the Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest. Maybe next week.
For instructions on how the Kill Counter system works, click here.
Total - 5 points
Jack Bauer takes a bite out of crime for 4 points.
Jack Bauer kicks a suicide bomber out of the Subway for 1 point.
Total (-1 Point)
Jack Bauer kills yet another CTU member for -1 points
Total (2 Points)
Jack Bauer shoots a bad guy for 1 point
Jack Bauer says "dammit" in the process of killing someone 1 point bonus
Total (4 points)
Jack shoots 2 dudes with a shotgun for 2 points (+2 combo kill)