One AS 350 Ecureuil Almost Added To Jack Bauer Kill Counter


Random Jack Bauer Fact: Jack Bauer shot down a helicopter with a hand gun.

After a week filled with the gassing of a gaggle of mall rats, the majority of 24 fans thought we would have a low body count over the next few episodes. Instead we watched Badger take a knife to the spleen and two other random guys knocked off before the credits were finished rolling.

Late in the show, Jack Bauer and his handgun went up against four men with machine guns in a helicopter and won! With just a few more rounds from his AA cannon we might have gotten the cliché out-of-control helicopter spinning in circles before blowing up scene. Instead we must assume that Jack let the helicopter escape so he can follow the smoke trail to Comrade HallowedAreTheOri.

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter has been updated.

TiVoBlogging: The following takes place between 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm

3:00:00 to 3:13:16

So, when we left off, Badger was driving away in an old pick-up truck with a hound dog and a whole bunch of nerve canisters. Badger calls into his contact. "Tex-Mex gas is genuine," said Badger. "At least, it works on mallrats."

Badger checks in with his boss, a new terrorist with a bad dye-job last seen as a Prior on Stargate SG-1. "You wasted my gas! My beautiful, beautiful gas" says Comrade HallowedAreTheOri, and he knifes badger in the gut, and whispers to him tenderly as he dies. Comrade HallowedAreTheOri has him a hankerin' to kill 'em him some Russians. Then, in the next scene, he shoots a Melvin for not knowing where Nathanson went. Nathanson (Hereinafter, Evil Shatner, because he looks like a less puffy version of TJ Hooker) is in his SUV trying to make his escape, but every time he calls one of his terror-buddies, they are immediately killed by one of Comrade HallowedAreTheOri.

Meanwhile, Sam Gamgee calls his sister. Cartman's Mom, and asks "Pretty please, may I have my key card back. Do you know how much trouble I can get in." Cartman's Mom says, "All right, poofykins," and wants to give it back, but her boyfriend, John McCain has other plans. And as soon as he comes off his high, he'll figure out what those plans are. Then, President Weasel calls Sam gamgee, "Have you got gas?" he demands. "No, sir, Taco Bell was closed." Weasel bitches out Sam Gamgee for not getting the gas, and then Sam Gamgee runs down to the conference room in time to hear Chiggy Killer explain that the Tex-Mex gas is still loose, and it will be a major bummer if it is ever released. Sam Gamgee is pissed because Jack didn't gas the mall rats like the president wanted. Audrey defends Jack Bauer for not killing the mallrats. Sam Gamgee doesn't get why Audrey is standing up for such impudence. "Why does she keep defending Bauer. What, was she like his girlfriend last season or something? I want Jack Bauer taken into custody. This is about the episode where that happens isn't it?"

Cola gets the order on his cell phone to take Jack in and breaks the news to Jack. "Sam Gamgee's on the warpath. He wants you heap brought back to his teepee. You give me firestick and wampum. We smoke um piece pipe." Jack knows the routine, and allows himself to be taken into custody until he feels like busting out again.

Then at CTU, S4GF gets call from Evil Shatner. Evil Shatner demands to put through to Jack Bauer. Evil Shatner was the one who sold the TexMex to the terrorists after they named their own price and shopped online. S4GF is reluctant at first, but when he launches into a pitch for Priceline, she quickly transfers him. Jack agrees to provide Evil Shatner with protection in return for help nailing the terrorists. "But why should I help you. You betrayed the country to terrorists," Jack shouts at him. "I'm a patriot," Evil Shatner insists. "All right, an Evil Patriot, but I can still help you get to the Tex-Mex gas." Jack decides to steal the SUV (hence the term: CarJacking. Cola resists him. "Is Jack Bauer going to have to choke a bitch?" Jack asks. Answer: Yes. Jack chokes, then tosses Cola from the SUV, thus demonstrating that the old feminist saying is wrong, and you can leave 'em on the curb when you're done with them.

3:18:24 to 3:24:15

Sam Gamgee's phone rings. It's Token. "Jack Bauer had to choke a bitch. And he shut down the vehicle's transponder so we can't track him." "Imbecilic Fool!" Sam Gamgee rages at him. "Take yourself into custody and bring yourself back to CTU for torture!" Sam Gamgee then runs down to the control room and asks S4GF if she's heard from Jack. "Jack Bauer who?" she answers coyly. Sam Gamgee orders Chloe to triangulate Jack Bauer's cell phone, but she can't. "It's like he is wearing the One Ring and made himself invisible." Sam Gamgee walks off grumbling... losing Jack Bauer will totally blow his chance of ever playing for Notre Dame. Somehow, he knows Jack Bauer has been in touch with S4GF and tries to access S4GF's phone logs, but S4GF convinces Chloe to erase them before Sam Gamgee can find out about the phone call from Evil Shatner.

Meanwhile, back at the Presidential repeat, Dick Cheney brings in Sid Blumenthal's cell phone to President Weasel. The caller claims to have the Tex-Mex gas, and he will only speak to the president. Weasel wipes the chicken blood from his chin and prepares to take the call. It turns out to be Comrade HallowedAreTheOri. "I got me a hankerin' to kill me a whole lotta Russians. But, since I can't do that, I'll settle for gassing the Russian President Subaru. And if you won't help me, I'll release the nerve gas in more densely populated areas than a shopping mall. You have fifteen minutes to give me President Subaru's route."

"Don't do it," Dick Cheney advises him. But President Weasel tells Dick Cheney to get on MapQuest and print out the Subaru's travel route anyway, explaining, "I mean... you know, I totally am not going to betray them, but, you know, just in case I change my mind, it might be handy to have this around." Dick Cheney goes to get the travel plans, knowing that Weasel has already decided to sell out the Russian president.

3:28:24 to 3:38:16

"Somebody's screwing with me, Chiggy," Sam Gamgee whines to Chiggy Killer. "S4GF erased her phone log. What's up with that?" Chiggy tells him to calm down, but Sam Gamgee is ranting like David Gregory. "I think she knew Jack Bauer was still alive the whole time. I think CTU has become way too sloppy. Why, when I was outside getting rolled and having my key card stolen by my crackwhore sister and her boyfriend, I happened to notice that ... um, never mind, but from now on, everyone at CTU is on double secret probation. You got that!"

Meanwhile, Jack Bauer arrives at his rendezvous with Evil Shatner. Jack sees a black helicopter land on the roof. "Um, were you expecting some terrorists?" Jack asks Evil Shatner on his cell phone. "Um, no," Evil Shatner answers. "Well, they're coming. I hope you have a weapon." Evil Shatner begins taking Evil Practice Swings with his Evil Emmy from Evil Boston Legal. Soon, Jack is running through Jennifer Beals's apartment from Flashdance and exchanging gunfire with a lot of heavies armed with G-36 assault rifles. The heavies are also shooting at Evil Shatner, shouting "Name your own price... of death!" Evil Shatner makes it to the roof, but takes a shot to the gut. Then, just as some big hunky bear of a man who would make Andrew Sullivan's shorts go pup tent with delight is about to shoot Evil Shatner, Jack Bauer makes it to the roof and notches up his death count. But just then, they are both attacked on the roof by gunmen in a black helicopter. Jack shoots the helicopter and manages to wound it, forcing a stage hand to set off a black smoke bomb in the stunt copter. But it is too late for Evil Shatner, who has been shot several times. "How are you enjoying my protection so far," Jack asks. Shatner dies, but not before giving Jack a chip... or, as the English would say, a crisp.

Jack tries to call in to S4GF with the data Evil Shatner provided him, but because Sam Gamgee is looking over her shoulder, she has to fake him out. "I'm wearing lace panties, and a garter... but we'll need to finish this call later, Senator Clinton." She transfers him to Chloe, and Jack is able to upload the data to her machine.


3:42:34 to 3:48:38

At the presidential retreat, Dick Cheney provides the Subaru's travel route to President Weasel. President Weasel (surprise surprise) has decided to sell out President Subaru after all. Dick Cheney whacks him in the nose with a bird rifle. "No! No! Bad President! Bad!" Then, Mary Todd Weasel overhears them talking. "What's up, guys? More conspiracy theories? What, am I married to Art Bell, now?" They fill her in. She is not happy. She is upset and emoting and spewing common sense all over the place. "Stand up to the terrorists, ye great chicken-eating-surrender-weasel," she rails at her husband.

In CTU, Chloe calls Chiggy Killer. "I can't decode this data Jack sent me. I need DOD codes." Chiggy tells her. "You mean you can't decode these data, data is plural." "Whatever, just distract Sam Gamgee long enough for me to get the codes from S4GF." Chiggy calls Sam Gamgee over, "Did I ever tell you about the time I shot down the alien ace, Chiggy von Richthofen..." While he is distracted, S4GF shoots the decryption codes over to Chloe. But Sam Gamgee catches what she is doing. "What's that window on your computer? Are you playing Free Cell? Answer me!" He then announces that he will be monitoring everyone's screen from his office. Immediately, his hair forms itself into pointed horn-like shapes on either side of his head.

3:52:52 to 3:59:59

Chloe calls Jack Bauer from CTU. with the data she's gotten from the stuff Jack Bauer sent her. "It's from the Terradyne Corp, it's a division of Omicron Corp, a wholly-owned subsidiary of ConGlobalCentriGenCorp."

This rings a bell with. "Omicron? Hey, isn't that where my old buddy Biff Henderson used to work?" He tells Chloe to look up their executives. Chloe agrees, "Oh, by the way, Chiggy Killer's in jail. Bye"

Meanwhile, back at presidential retreat, Weasel tries to explain his decision to Mary Todd. "Come on, what's one less Russian? FDR sold them out by the millions." They proceed to the photo op. President Weasel makes friendly chat with Russian President Subaru and Mrs. Subaru. "Hey, did you guys know death by nerve gas is relatively quick and painless?"

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney is taking a call on his cell phone. He tells the terrorist exactly the route the Subarus will be taking. Comrade HallowedAreTheOri gives the orders to his terror team. "Tell my people, this is where I want them to strike," he says drawing a big circle with an X on the MapQuest printout. Apparently, no matter how many terrorists Jack kills, they've still got more. What's up with that? Did the terrorists plan on needing about 6,000 heavily armed assault teams to move the Tex-Mex gas out of the country?

After the photo op, President Weasel gets a call from Sam Gamgee. Mary Todd Weasel is still upset about sending the Russians to their death. She decides to ride in the death car with them. Red Foreman decides to join her as well. "I better ride with you. Their chauffeur is kind of a dumbass."

Next week: Jack gets tasered. Sam Gamgee melts down like last season's nuke plants. And Mary Todd gets gas.

Chloe Interviewed on Fox
Not a big deal... they try to insinuate that she might be a mole, but not so successfully.

And then she says "I'll tell you one thing that's happening: nudity. I have to strip to get a terrorist to talk. I challenge a terrorist to strip craps and lose."

But then she says some weird stuff and it sounds like she's making the whole thing up.

Dull, as you might expect.

24: Season 5 — 3:00 PM-4:00 PM — Live-Blogging
Friends, Romans, non-hippie countrymen, lend me your eyes.

We're under half an hour from the next hour of 24, and I can assure you that Kim will show up in this episode. (Either that, or we'll have evidence once and for all that I've been bought by Fox to try and drum up anticipation for each week).

So get ready—I'll be back in 20 minutes.

8:45— Okay, so it didn't take 20 minutes... my local Fox affiliate just had an ad for a 10:00 news piece about the purchase of American ports by an Arab company.

Is there anyone else that's having trouble getting worked up about that? Or am I becoming desensitized to political BS?

I'll be back in 15 with all your 24 fun.

3:01 PM—Oops, Badger has gone the way of Firefly. And so did that other guy. We're already up to 2 deaths! At this rate, we're going to see a lot of bloodshed this week.

3:03—And there's 3. And Samwise is whining like a little baby.

3:05—Wait a minute... President Weasel is telling someone to stop making excuses and take responsibility? Didn't he watch last season's DVDs and see what a pathetic whiner he is?

3:07—I like Buchanan more and more. "Jack can be disciplined later, taking him out of the field now is a mistake." That's the first time anyone has had that reaction on this show (aside from maybe Palmer). Smart conclusion.

3:09—Oh no! Cola's turning on Bacardi! And penis-nose (S4GF) is trying to be forecful with Buchanan.

3:11—I want a node-monitor on my cell phone. It'll go perfectly with the CTU ringtone I have.

3:12—And now Bacardi got Cola back! I don't think he killed him, but that was serious. I think that might upset Little Miss Chatterbox, since we all know she's got such a thing for Curtis but doesn't like to see Jack do any wrong.

Ads—Just checked the comments, and lawhawk hit it on the nose, so I've determined that this portion of the liveblog is brought to you by the number 3.

Also, does anyone else hate those "so it's good to go" Taco Bell ads? They make me feel violent.

3:15—Is Samwise really going to devote resources to tracking Jack down? Doesn't he see that as a slightly bad priority?

3:17—Penis-nose redeems herself a little by trying to cover for Jack, but there's no way that'll do anything but raise suspicions that she's a mole. And I guess, at this point, she sort of is a mole—even if it is for the good guys.

3:24—I don't have much to say about that whole thing. I think it's a little ridiculous that there is only one person working with the President to resolve this situation, and that only the two of them would have been listening to that call.

I'm also pretty sure that they should set up a fake motorcade and route rather than aid in an act of war against Russia.

Ads—The Man, what are you talking about? Have you looked at the American curling team? Those women are HOT—how can you even imply that it's difficult to watch them? It's almost as good as an episode of 24 that has Kim in it.

3:28—"Someone is screwing with me, Bill, and I won't tolerate it." What a whiny bitch.

3:29—"If someone has a hidden agenda, I want to know about it." Wouldn't that be an impossibility if it actually is a "hidden" agenda?

3:31—Jack's good, anticipating the danger for the guy on the other end of the phone. We need a nickname for him—right now I'm leaning towards Jack Bristow, but I'm open to other suggestions.

3:33—Number 4, hostile chasing Bristow. Major firefight—it's a good thing that bad guys can't ever hit a good guy even with automatic weapons when he's out in the open.

Oops, spoke too soon—they got him good there.

Where'd Bauer get a gun? I thought Curtis took his? Or did he take it back and I missed it?

3:34—Wow. Jack just took down a Sikorsky with a handgun. Sweet.

3:36—Wait, Jack took out three of the bad guys? Stupid liveblogging, I totally missed it.

3:38—We've always known that Jack can count on Audrey. Here's a question, though: does anyone remember how pissed off she got when this year's mole said he thought he was doing the right thing by violating protocols to obey the White House Chief of Staff? How many times now has she violated protocols to obey Jack? I'm just saying, it's a little hypocritical.

Ads—Treo 700 ad. Think they've been reading Blogs4Bauer and decided this woudl be a good show to advertise on, even though Jack's phone is from Sprint?

Oh yeah, and I guess we didn't need a nickname, since Bristow's dead now. The Man, are you keeping count? I've lost track. Again: stupid liveblogging.

3:43—I'm sorry, I know everybody here likes First Lady Weasel, but there is no justification on the planet for a First Lady to be a part of this conversation.

3:45—She is right, though. You can't do what the terrorists want even once. Why? If you give a mouse a cookie...

3:48—Samwise really is a screw-up. That's all I have to say about that.

Ads—Could just be me, but V for Vendetta looks pretty much to be The Matrix mixed with A Brave New World. Still, that could be a really good mixture.

Another local news ad—and I'm still ok with the ports being run by an Arab company. Eew. Chloe should not be talking about nudity. I really hope it's not her or Penis-nose. That would be a great way for Kim to return, though...

3:56—A friendly Russian? Do those exist?

3:57—Whoa, did anyone else catch that look between the two First Ladies? "Thank you for your hospitality." What kind of hospitality could that be, if you get my meaning...

3:59—Wait, what does the First Lady think she can accomplish by riding into the kill zone? And good for whats-his-name the Secret Service guy. At least somebody knows what his job is and sticks to it.

Well, that's that. Next week, we have Cola threatening a Red Shirt when Samwise tries to have him arrested. Sweet.

And yes, The Man, Fox5 is reporting that there will be nudity on 24. I'll watch Fox5 News at 10 and post an update here when we get more details.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count

Editor's Note: Kim Bauer will not be back this week. The "Kim is on the next show" stunt was an effort to drive up hits from people googling "Kim Bauer". We are sorry for playing with your feelings.

What has Kim been doing since she left CTU? Well first she polished her hockey skills for the Dundas Cyclones while working as a curator of a museum on President Lincoln. Kim Bauer then trained and took third place in the 5,000 and the 1 mile run for Hamilton College's track team and was named Rookie of the Week.

As you can tell, Kim has been way too busy to help CTU save Los Angeles and return RFTRs letters.

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy ~ Guess - 4
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR ~ Guess - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL ~ Guess - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL ~ Guess - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob ~ Guess - 5
Episode 8 - 15 Bodies
Lawhawk ~ Guess - 17

DEATHLOK FOUND KIM BAUER!!!

Attention 24 fans! My friend Deathlok found Kim Bauer!! It appears she has been vacationing in Turin. Check it out here.

Counterpoint: Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little."

My name is Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, former commanding officer of Guantanamo Bay Naval Base. You liberals know it better as Camp Gitmo. Previously, you heard an argument from two of history's greatest jokes, president William Clinton and his vice-idiot, Al "I invented the internet" Gore. (I refuse to capitalize their titles, due to the great harm they have done this country in their near decade of disservice. They must have been sailors.)

These "men" would have you believe that it is our duty to turn over Jack Bauer - a national treasure, by the way - to those yellow devils of the Orient. This move would be yet another blunder by an ambiguously gay duo that was responsible for American citizens' deaths in the first WTC attack, Somalia, and Kosovo. Giving Bauer to the Chinese is comparable to a death sentence; for a man who has saved the lives of two Presidents, as well as those of this great country. Clinton says he feels China's pain. How can that be, when he is usually feeling other women's asses?

There are still 19 canisters - Not 15. Got your numbers wrong again, Bill - somewhere in the vicinity of Los Angeles. Jack Bauer is the most qualified asset in place to find them before the unthinkable happens. Clinton and Gore's "cut and run" idea will endanger this nation, and it is totally unacceptable. So we tick off a billion Chinamen; there's plenty more where that came from.

Finally, Clinton and Gore can keep their speed skaters, General Tso's Chicken, and the like. Real men prefer chili dogs, baseball, and muscle cars.

Clinton and Gore need a Code Red. On the double!

Point: It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese

Beware of Men With Guns and Gasmasks Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this scene
2) Email photoshops to Blogs4Bauer

Photoshop Entries
- Citizen Grim

Point: It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Jack Bauer's a wanted man, a criminal in my eyes and in the eyes of our Chinese friends. Agent Bauer's actions in the name of "national security" led to the needless death of a Chinese embassy official. I feel China's pain. (dramatic pause)

Before long, the Chinese-version of CTU will catch on that Frank Flynn looks like and Jacob Rossler sounds like the Jack Bauer. It will not be long before they know that Bauer must be alive and therefore not dead anymore. I hate sending Secret Service goons to take out a friend just like any other President, but sometimes it has to be done. (longer, more dramatic pause)

I know there are still something like 15 canisters of deadly nerve gas still out there with Badger and his crew. But without the unlock code, the terrorists...errr I mean the militants cannot do anything but admire the shiny coating of the canisters. Trust me, we have nothing to fear. It's not like they'll find a way to bypass the arming mechanism and disperse the gas in a crowded place, like a mall.

My best friend, Al Gore would like to address another issue we hold dear.

"Ahhhh.. BBushhhhh Oooiiillll! Uhhhh.
The gas guzzling Ford Explorers which CTU drives around in are the root causes of GLOBAL WARMING!! Ahhhhh. Go see my movie. Thanks"

Thanks Al. My fellow Americans; China provides us with vital resources like speed skaters, General Tso's Chicken, and those little plastic things on the end of shoe laces. What's the point in jeopardizing this partnership by letting Jack Bauer go unpunished? CTU and Division have enough quality agents, hot babes, and Edgars to get the job done without Jack's help. If I were President Logan, I'd have my Attorney General send in the troops to take him back to the imprisoned life he deserves, Elian-style.

Counterpoint: Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little."

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Jack's Thighs of Steel Make Kill Counter Debut
Another bad guy found out that you should never approach a hand-cuffed and unconscious Jack Bauer. You should always take your kill shot at a safe distance, before Jack Bauer gets you in his lethal thigh-vise. When your boss tells you to go kill Frank Flynn/Jacob Rossler/Jack Bauer, don't wait until he catches a glimpse of you in the video monitor next to Tony's body, because then it is too late.

The B4B Kill Counter jumped up 18 kills mainly due to the nerve gas pumped into the mall by a group of bad guys. While Jack managed to save one girl, a disturbing question must now be asked. Who leaves their child alone in a mall? Even worse, did the mother take off running when she saw Jack Bauer running around with the gas mask?

The Official Jack Bauer Kill Counter has been updated.

B4B Fight Club: Badger v. Sawyer. Who wins?

'Badger': '24'
Age: mid-to-late thirties
Nationality: Made-up Breakway Russian Republic
Occupation: Terrorist
Death Count: 2 Direct (Motorcycle shop guy and Mole) 10-20 indirect (gassed mall-rats)
Strengths: Vicious and ruthless
Weaknesses: Maybe not such a big man when you take the gun away from him
Curious Detail: His name isn't really Badger

'Sawyer': 'Lost'
Age: mid-to-late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Con Man
Death Count: 1.0 (flew to Australia then killed the wrong man)
Strengths: Outsmarted Jack, Locke, and Ana Lucia to control all the guns on the island
Weaknesses: GSW to the shoulder not fully healed, chicks (Kate and Ana Lucia) known to get the drop on him, also nearsighted.
Curious Detail: His name isn't really Sawyer

Forget Nerve Gas, Kim's Missing!
Jack placed a call to CTU at 1:11pm to bring Kim in for her safety. Does this mean that Jack thinks her home was not equipped with those socket covers to keep her from sticking her fingers in or if a gang of cougars escaped from the LA zoo?

It's a proven fact that Jack Bauer takes approximately 4 minutes and 15 seconds to get anywhere in the Los Angeles area. If you throw in traffic on the 405, it could take up to 5 minutes. We know that Kim inherited most of her mother's accident prone qualities, while Jack only passed on his family's ability to talk to snakes. But surely some of Jack's time-bending genes should have been passed down. It seems that no one at CTU or Fox is alarmed that Kim has taken close to 2 hours to check in at CTU.

I took the initiative and alarmed the people at Fox (see below). Someone should tell Jack to ignore the order from Edgar to steal a batch of nerve gas-laced glazin-raisin pretzels from the abandoned Aunt Annie's booth and send out a search party ASAP.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 pm and 3:00 pm

2:00:00 to 2:13:54

Sam Gamgee returned to CTU after being rolled by Cartman's Mom and John McCain. Chiggy Killer fills him in on the latest... Hannibal Connery being dead, Badger putting up the nerve gas canisters on eBay, that sort of thing. Badger calls back, leaves instructions without speaking. Jack Bauer doesn't even have to fake his villain voice from Phone Booth. Jack realizes he can imitate Hannibal Connery, since the terrorists have never met him. He immediately begins making lip-smacking-slurp noises and calling Token 'McCloud' in the hearty Irish brogue of a fifteenth century Spanish nobleman.

Dick Cheney enters the president's office, and tries to explain away the pattern of buckshot on Sid Blumenthal's face. He suggests that now that Sid Blumenthal is dead and all, there's no need to go public with Sid's role in helping the terrorists. He suggests they make up a cover story that Sid Blumenthal was overworked and despondent and committed suicide, and then they can dump the body in Fort Marcy Park. President Weasel doesn't think Mary Todd Weasel will go for it. Then, Mary Todd's assistant-babe goes to Mary Todd and asks her what's the haps. Mary Todd tells assistant-babe that Sid committed suicde because he was a traitor. She refuses to go into detail, but because the Move-on-dot-org writers are off this week, she doesn't suggest that Sid Blumenthal was working with Mossad and the Carlyle Group.

Then, the action shifts to the parking garage, wear Jack is meeting with the infamous blue van. The terrorists want to see the chip. Jack wants to see the money. There is a brief exchange of "I'll show you yours if you'll show me mine." Jack unzips. The terrorist unzips. "It's bigger than I expected," the terrorist says. Jack smiles, then starts taking orders from Chloe on how to insert his thing into the device. When Jack has finished, they sucker punch him and throw him into the van. "Hey, this wasn't the deal," Jack says.

At CTU, they argue over whether to shag the terrorists now, or shag the terrorists later. They decide to follow them, depending on the terrorists to lead them to Badger and the rest of the Tex-Mex gas canisters.

2:18:13 to 2:24:56

Assistant-Babe shows the press release to Mary Todd, and is outraged to see that they are calling Sid Blumenthal a hero instead of a traitor. Mary Todd storms into the president's office. She wants the president to tell the truth. "All right," President Weasel says. "If you're so hot to tell the truth, you can start by telling the truth to Sid Blumenthal's wife." Mary Todd says, "I'd love to tell her, but I can't because of the evil monkey that lives in my closet."

Meanwhile, the terrorists want to show Jack something. They move a blanket in the van, revealing the gas canisters. "Ain't these cool?" the Terrorist says. Chloe realizes the target is the Sunrise Hills Mall and conveys this to Jack. The terrorists inform Jack that they're going for a trial run at the Sunset Hills Mall. Now, Jack starts getting testy. "I'm not going in the mall with those horrible things," he tells the terrorists. The terrorists put a gun to his head. "On the other hand, I could totally go for an Orange Julius," Jack says.

At CTU, the assault teams are ordered in to prevent the release of the toxic gas. Sam Gamgee calls it off. S4GF is stunned. "But what about all those people at the mall," she points out. Sam Gamgee counter-points. "They bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting into when they went to the mall. I say, let them choke." Of course, sacrificing the mall-walker crowd will let them follow the terrorists back to the other 19 gas canisters. They turn to Chiggy-Killer for the tie-breaker. "We'll ask the president. He always knows what to do."

2:29:22 to 2:37:24

Chloe hacks into the malls internal video surveillance. "We should be able to see Jack," she assures him. Meanwhile, Jack, walking through the mall, can not help but look at all the lives about to be snuffed out. The shoppers, the mothers with strollers, the kids from Dawson's Creek, a group of Girl Scouts singing "We like being alive. We like being alive. We like being. We like alive. We like being alive." The terrorists shoot a rent-a-cop. Then, they being redecorating.

The president calls into CTU, and Sam Gamgee explains the situation. The president has to make a call, let the terrorists release the Tex-Mex gas gets and kill the mall-rats, or send in the assault teams and save the mall-rats. Between 800-900 mallrats will die if they release the gas. The downside to sending in assault teams is that they will lose their chance to grab the other canisters, the terorists will take the canisters elsewhere, and a lot of more productive taxpayers with better things to do than hang out in a mall at 2:30 on a weekday will die. The president says, "Hey, you make the call." "But I don't want to make the call." He asks Cheney to make the call. Cheney says, "Excuse me, I was cleaning my bird rifle, what was the question?" The president makes a choice. "Gas 'em! Gas 'em good!"

Chlose transmit the arming code to Jack as he works on the trigger. "Alpha Kilo Charlie"

"Echo Bravo Charlie" Jack says, he's always was a bit dyslectic when it came to military alphabets. The code doesn't work. Then, the terrorists beat him up. The skinny, long-haired terrorist drags Jack to the side and cuffs him to a table next to the dead rent-a-cop. The terrorists have found another way to release toxic gas. They place an order for 4,000 Taco Bell burritoes.


2:41:44 to 2:49:27

The terrorists work on making the canister work. They are cross-connecting many colorful wires. Jack revives and tries to free himself. Meanhile, back at CTU, Audrey tries to talk the others into not letting the toxic TexMex gas be released. "Think of the children!" she beseeches them. But Sam Gamgee and Chiggy Killer are male and pro-choice. "Gas the brats!"

The terrorists activate the Tex-Mex gas canisters. Jack revives and pries the rent-a-cop's gun from his cold dead hands. He puts on the gas mask and uses the walkie-talkie antenna to get his keys. At some point, he kills one of the two terrorists. Then, Jack de-activates the gas. Chiggy Killer orders Cola to move in. Jack sticks up a mall manager to find out where the ventilation controls are. It's near the food court, behind a Del Taco, which will make it really difficult to isolate the source of the toxic gas. Jack runs through the mall with a gun and a gas mask yelling "Blarrrrh! Blarrrh!" to scare people into leaving. As Jack moves into the food court, people are choking, collapsing, writhing in agony. It's worse than that time Edgar got carry-out from Chili's.

Jack shuts down the ventilation system and puts his gas mask on a little girl, then carries her out of the mall. "I need 50 cc of little-girl revival juice, stat!" He orders. Token brings it. He injects it into the girl. The girl lives. Next, Jack runs toward a large, black, SUV. The surviving terrorist runs from the mall parking lot, finds a non-descript beige sedan, busts a window, and then hot-wires it and peels out.

2:53:56 to 2:59:59

The surviving terrorist calls into Badger, and squeals on Jack. He's headed back to Badger. Chloe is tracking him on the computer. Jack Bauer is six blocks behind him in an SUV. President Weasel then begins bitching out Sam Gamgee for letting Jack save the mall-rats against his orders. "Just do your job, or I'll find someone who can. And bring me a live chicken." He slams down the phone, and Cheney calms him down with the body of a fresh quail. Meanwhile, Sid Blumenthal's wife has arrived. Mary Todd goes to meet her, and tell her what a lowdown dirty terrorist scumbag her husband was. They hug. Mrs. Blumenthal kind of looks like a hot version of the chick from Surface who is supposed to be hot but really isn't. "Why? Why would Sid do this? Why? Why?" Mary Todd tells her, "Because he loved his country and he loved you." This seems to make Mrs. Blumenthal feel better. "Also, he was a dirty traitor." (That scene was probably deleted.) Mary Todd walks away and passes her husband, but they exchange no words.

Bacardi and Cola are in hot pursuit of the surviving terrorist.. "We're going to have to hit him hard and fast to keep him from releasing any more Tex-Mex," Jack says. "Put your gas masks on."

Badger watches as the line of inconspicuous black SUV's with CTU logos on the sides reaches the terrorist hide-out. The surviving terrorist gets a call from Badger. "You were followed. You know what to do." The Surviving terrorist puts his gun to his head and... well, he ain't the surviving terrorist any more.

And Badger drives away in an old pick-up truck.


Next week: The Annual "President Orders Jack to be Arrested" episode.

Live Blogging!

Hello, I'm Wyatt and I'll be your server this evening. Tonight's specials are a succulent Kim Bauer over glass, Jack Bauer's blood pudding, and a scrumptious whine, brought to you courtesy of Audrey Raines. And away we go . . .

8:55pm (Earth time) - Skating With Celebrities really brings out the bloodlust in me. Why can't Nancy Kerrigan get a skate blade across the jugular???

2:00pm - "Graphic Violence." (Giggles.)

2:04pm - Tac Teams? Bauer is his own Tac Team!!!

2:06pm - Forget a statement, Mike. Just say the V.P. took him hunting. HA!!!

2:07pm - Why do we have to see Martha's cans all the time, yet we get bupkis from Evelyn???

2:09pm - "Quebec" is used for the letter "Q" on license plates at CTU??? What is "X", "Xylophone???"

2:13pm - Samwise is right. Gotta get to the scene. There's not enough time to interrogate prisoners. BTW, this Live Blogging stuff is hard. The television is behind me, and I am basically listening to the episode, and not watching it. Maybe updating every minute is not the way to go. How am I doing so far? Am I wrecking it?

2:15pm - Anyone else seeing Ultraviolet besides me???

2:18pm - FRAK!!! Blogger just went down!!! Is anyone reading this anymore??? It said to Republish in 10 minutes!!! Frakking, frakking, frak!!!

2:20pm - Okay, we're back! The Mall? Sweet! Those bastards at Pottery Barn are gonna get what's coming to them!

2:22pm - Samwise is right again; from a tactical point of view, the only option is to try for the 19 canisters, as opposed to the one. Now shut yer word hole, Audrey! Nice Jeff Gordon commercial, by the way!!!

2:28pm - No, guys. That's not a two-way radio. I am the youngest man ever to get a hearing aid! SPLAT!!! The count is on: 1 dead guy so far.

2:30pm - If they're gonna take out a stadium later, can they do me a favor and take out the St. Louis Blues? they suck this season!

2:32pm - Welcome to You Make The Call. Will the President grow a spine and let valued Hallmark customers perish, or will he call an audible, and wet his pants?

2:34pm - Have a nice nap, Jack. See, this is why Vic Mackey would win the B4B Fight Club: Vic would have released the gas!

2:37pm - Okay, how many people are NOT gonna see Running Scared? The Billy Crystal film of the same name was much better.

2:40pm - $100 SAYS THAT KIM BAUER IS IN THE MALL. YA HEARD IT HERE FIRST!!!

2:42pm - Kills a guy while cuffed. NICE! 2 dead so far.

2:43pm - Jack looks like Psycho Mantis. Sorry, videogame reference.

2:44pm - RFTR, are you keeping track of the bodies??? Looks like it's gonna be a bundle.

2:46pm - How come everyone in Hollywood knows how to hotwire a car? Cripes, I'm a cop, and I can barely do it! Looks like Kim wasn't in the mall. Blast!

2:48pm - Bout God-damned time Prison Break is coming back! Bastards!!! Philly Fox affiliate has a story about Chloe and a "bombshell" from the upcoming plot. And speaking of bombshells, is RFTR turning blue yet without his Kim???

2:52pm - "Fatalities limited between 10 and 20 people." Including the bad guy, I think this week has to be a push. Wow, Walt's wife (well, ex-wife) is kinda hot.

2:54pm - Martha wusses out. Predictable.

2:55pm - Where's Kimmy???

2:59pm - Heh. Jack, ya blew it again! And still no Kimmy!!! (Giggling) Sorry, RFTR.

3:00pm - AWESOME!!! Psychedelic Furs "Pretty in Pink!!!" Greatest band . . . ever!!!

All in all, a solid episode. Next weeks looks quite entertaining, and maybe RFTR will fall for the "This week is the week for Kim" bull. That's all for me, enjoy The Ramones!

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count

How many people are going to die tonight? It appears that Jack's going to join the bad guys and may or may not act on "orders from the president" to release some nerve gas outside the Verizon Wireless booth at some mall. Plus Kim Bauer is coming back, so you know she will not help things. It could be a busy hour at CTU.

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy ~ Guess - 4
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR ~ Guess - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL ~ Guess - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL ~ Guess - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob ~ Guess - 5

It's Official This Time—maybe?
If you believe USATODAY, our lovely Kim Bauer is returning to 24 tonight.

Get excited.

B4B Fight Club: Jack Bauer vs. Vic Mackey

Name: Jack Bauer
Age: Late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: CTU Agent, Scourge of terrorists everywhere
Lifetime Death Count: A lot
Strengths: Killing, torture, origami
Weaknesses: Whiny women, heroin, Barry Manilow






Name: Vic Mackey
Age: Late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Narcotics detective, scourge of IAD
Lifetime Death Count: A lot
Strengths: Killing, torture, aerodynamic skull
Weaknesses: Whiny team members, Salsa music


Yeah, I know what you're thinking; no contest, right? Think again. In my humble opinion, this would be the closest B4B Fight Club match in history. Gentlemen, start your ass-kicking!

(Hat Tip to Deathlok for the idea.)

Starbuck, You Ain't No Jack Bauer

Maybe you took my previous post too seriously. Maybe, you thought that by disguising yourself as a technician so you could infiltrate the space-bar where space-terrorists were holding space-hostages, you could redeem yourself from letting that snotty hotshot Kat bitchify you last week.

But, you're not Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer would have taken out every terrorist but Dana Delaney, who would then have been taken out by a back-up agent while holding a gun to Jack's head. You, on the other hand, got two marines killed, and you, personally, shot Apollo. That would be approximately like Bacardi shooting Cola.

No, Starbuck, you are not Jack Bauer.

But, I still like you ...

Awkward Moments on 24 Caption Contest

1) Caption or photoshop this scene
2) Email photoshops to Blogs4Bauer

Stupid 24 Questions

Did you ever notice that being promoted to upper management at CTU is the equivalent of being on the cover of Sports Illustrated? These civil service bigwigs enjoy a meteoric rise to power, only to never be heard from again after one incident. The current and former occupants of Jack Bauer's office have a higher turnover rate than the local McDonald's.

How come every person that works at CTU has at least one dysfunctional family member? And why are they always stopping by on the worst day of the year? Crack addicts, psychotics, au pairs who suddenly become computer experts; I mean, is this 24 or Jerry Springer?

Is Kim Bauer ever gonna show her, um, face, this season? RFTR's stalking is getting out of control.

Do the folks at CTU ever go out drinking after work?

Point-Counterpoint. C. Montgomery Burns For Rebuttal

First, let me say how proud I am of the Danish people. Not since the days of Hamlet have you so brazenly shown your genitalia. I salute you for it. To those Muslim hordes who have rushed to riot like so many sheep, I say to you, "Continue!." Your violent inbred tendencies have confirmed my suspicions; you are no better than the Illegals I have hosing down my reactor core. But I digress.

"Wavy Gravy" over there is using the same tired old arguments that oil is bad. Why, I remember people rallying against William McKinley for the same thing; and we all know how WM handled that, right? But in this case, I agree with our unkempt idealist. Oil is bad. Nuclear power is good. President Logan needs to unshackle the country from the cavemen of the Middle East, and Charleston into the 1950's. Nuke The Oil, that's my slogan.

President Logan is no racist. He is no James Garfield, either. I knew James Garfield. I served with him. President Logan, you are no James Garfield. He was not ashamed that Martha was re-enacting Mandingo; he was just ashamed that she wouldn't let him watch. For shame. Of course, shipping her to Vermont was not far enough. Logan, I have one word for you: Ceylon.

Finally, Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola. An incompetent, wishy-washy puppet is just the thing a billionaire needs to acquire more power. Dennis Kucinich is not the answer. Vote Strom Thurmond in '08. He's just the sort of new blood for which this country yearns.

Point
Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President

B4B Fight Club: Curtiss vs Sayid. Who Wins?

Curtiss Manning: '24'
Age: late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: CTU Agent
Current Season Death Count: 4 (weapons: gun)
Strengths: Physical strength, experience in the art of torture, smoldering intelligence
Weaknesses: Shoot, I don't know
Curious Detail: Helps Jack (Bauer) torture people, thwarts terror attacks in America

Sayid Jarrah: 'Lost'
Age: late thirties
Nationality: Iraqi
Occupation: former Republican Guard
Current Season Death Count: 0.5 (partial credit for letting Shannon take a bullet)
Strengths: Physical strength, experience in the art of torture, smoldering intelligence
Weaknesses: Gets sulky after torturing people
Curious Detail: Helped Jack (Shephard) torture Sawyer, thwarted terror attack in Australia

Impeach ChimpyMcLogan ASAP
Let me start out this week by showing my support for our rioting muslim friends. President Weasel should not have submitted his crude cartoons of Muhammad to that rightwing Danish Newspaper. For this reason I will no longer steal Danishes from the corner deli and I plan on throwing out my bong made from Legos. I'd probably riot and burn things as well if USA Today published crude cartoons of Jethro Tull.

All I'm asking for is a television president who speaks the truth and who doesn't march to the beat of Wal-MarHalliburExxon in search of ways to lie to the American viewers for more oooiiillll. I know that is too much to ask for from FOX. But, the neo-cons have succeeded in having the other channels cancel both The West Wing and Commander in Chief, which dared to have progressive leaders. All we are left with is President Weasel (aka ChimpyMcBushilter). So what if Geena Davis and her huge lips drew fewer viewers than the Westminster Dog Show reruns on ABC Family? How can Hillary become our next president if people are not allowed to watch a woman lead us on television? At least her brief presidency exposed the real life of a progressive mind amongst Repub-o-thugs like Donald Sutherland.

President Weasel is also a racist, man. He recently tried to send his crazy hot wife (or is it crazy, but hot) Martha Logan to Vermont. You know, spending time smoking Vermont hash, eating Ben and Jerrys, and drinking maple syrup does not sound all that bad to me man. President Bush...eerr I mean Logan was doing it because Martha was getting phone calls from African-American men at all hours of the night. Now imagine if Laura Bush and Michael Steele were making late-night booty calls, I bet the neo-cons would probably do something like steal Mr. Steele's Social Security number, run illegal credit checks on him, and post racist images on him on their blogs. And you can count on that.

Fox needs to impeach President Logan and install someone who can talk to these terrorists to stop targeting Los Angeles. Someone who can get the muslim/russian/drug dealers to focus their rage onto a "red state" like Alabama. Let's see how the consrvo-jesusfreaks like having nerve gas being dispersed at a Wal-mart in Tuscaloosa instead of a mall in Los Angeles. For this, we need someone like Dennis Kucinich. Why are you laughing?

Would it be too much to ask for Kim Bauer to come back this week? Peace.

Counterpoint
Fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola


Previous
Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

A Lot Of (Crystal) Balls

I definitely watch this damned show WAY too much.

I'm watching this week's episode at 1am (EST), thanks to TiVo, and as the action was unfolding, I started to get some premonitions. For instance, the second they took Walt Cummings away, I said to myself, "He'll be dead by the end of the show." When Mike called Logan and told him to come at once, I knew what happened. In fairness, I thought Walt would off himself in another way, but I knew the end result would involve his corpse.

A few minutes later, Jack and company break into Mayor McPervert's penthouse apartment, and after Jack finds the young Russian girl, I knew something would go wrong. I wasn't sure if she would kill herself (or someone else), until McPervert demanded she come with him. At that instant, I said to myself, "She's gonna kill him." Wham! Right again!

My newfound fortune telling is not necessarily a testament to my wits, but more appropriately, a testament to the circular reasoning in the Jack Bauer world. People implicated in treason are usually killed or off themselves, and scumbags with critical information are almost always killed unexpectedly (take Stephen Saunders, for example).

Yeah, I watch this damned show WAY too much.

24: The Game Website is Live!

Check out 24: The Game's website, here.

You can even "interrogate" (aka torture) people on the website of the game. There's also an interview with Tony, Michelle and also Kim Bauer. Check out the questions they ask Kim, one is "How authentic is Kim in the game".

In an interview with MTV.com, a story editor named Duppy Demetrius (no kidding), had this to say about the gameplay:

"You can only have so many helicopters blow up and buildings explode in the TV show," said the writer of the February 28 PlayStation 2 title. "[In the game] you don't have to worry that we're having a helicopter dogfight and it's going to cost millions of dollars. With this, if there's a helicopter fight, let's add a third helicopter."

Bacardi and Cola Spice Up Kill Counter
Thanks to the Bacardi and Cola team, the kill counter jumped up 400% from a season low of 1 kill to a respectable 5 bodies from 1 to 2pm.

Sid Blumenthal decided not to hang around, instead he choked like other well known Patriots did earlier this season. Later on, TylerD won a dollar when he predicted the painfully predictable demise of one of our best nicknamed characters, Hannibal Connery.


Click Here for the updated Kill Counter.

TiVo Blogging: 1:00 pm to 2:00 pm

The following took place between 1:00 pm and 2:00 pm

1:00 to 1:13:34

As the hour opens, Sid Blumenthal is spilling his guts, reiterating his role in the conspiracy theory to supply nerve gas to terrorists, defending himself as a patriot because it's all about the oil. (Obviously, the Move-On-dot-org writers are still scripting). Oh, and also, they arranged for Halliburton to build all the infrastructure, and they're going to get Diebolt to steal the election and arrange for a massive hurricane to strike an African-American city. Sid Blumenthal's contact was some jive turkey named Nathanson, but his phone has apparently been disconnected. Ain't that just like the man?

"What do we do now?" President Weasel whines.

"You're on your own, chicken-breath!" Jack tells him. "My hot and danger-prone daughter needs to know that I am alive. I'm outta here. Good luck with that whole posion gas thing."

"Come on, Jack, pretty please, I'll be your friend." President Weasel sobs like a little girl.

Jack Bauer relents. "All right, I'll help you find your stupid nerve gas."

Meanwhile, Badger is talking with someone who looks like a younger, non-acid washed version of Lance Henrikson. Lance thinks that they should save the gas for Russia. Badger cold-cocks him and says, "No way, I'm gonna kill some Americans. That will teach Bush for abandoning the Kyoto Treaty!"

Meanwhile, at CTU, Sam Gamgee gets a call from Cartman's Mom, who is apparently Sam's sister, needs $500 pronto, and apparently, has decided to play the role that Erin Driscoll's schizophrenic daughter played last season.

Chiggy Killer gives a briefing on the nerve gas canisters. The triggering mechanisms can only be set off by code signals from satellites. "Oh, so all we need to do is shutdown and or jam all satellites until the crisis is over," someone suggests. Chiggy Killer slaps him, "How does jamming satellites help Jack Bauer's body count?" Speaking of body counts, Sam Gamgee shows the potential death toll from the nerve gas. Hundreds of thousands or maybe millions. It would be like 9-11 times three hundred and ninety three.

Then, Badger gets a call from a guy who's a cross between Sean Connery and Hannibal Lecter. Hannibal Connery is a disgruntled former Microsoft tech support worker who learned how to reconfigure nerve gas canisters while he was supposed to be debugging Windows 95. Chloe illegally wiretaps their conversation and is immediately hauled off to prison by the ACLU. All right, I made that up. But they trace the call to a penthouse in Los Angeles. Jack Bauer decides he's going to hit that Penthouse with Token (Curtiss) at his side. Jack also asks S4GF to track down his hot, danger-prone daughter. Sweet Potato Face (SPF) knows the building has one of those high-tech security lockouts. SPF thinks they should get Studboy on the case, Truffle Shuffle and Chiggy Killer hate the idea. CTU protocol requires that when everyone hates an idea, it must be implemented immediately. They go to fetch Studboy.

Meanwhile, at a motorcyle shop, Badger shows up and sticks a gun into the face of Paul Teutul Jr from American Chopper, and tells him to sharpen his cutting tools.

1:17:53 to 1:27:56

That's right. A four-and-a-half-minute commercial block. President Weasel doesn't care about the next episode of House, and he's pissed because no one has updated him. Mary Todd Weasel is up and about, a little sore about the whole exile to the funny farm deal, but she's in a forgiving mood and she only bitch slaps Weasel once, and only mildly hard. (She speaks for all of us, I think.) She would have hit him again, but a pity stayed her hand. It's a pity Dick Cheney chose that moment to walk into the President's Office. They debate what to do with Sid Blumenthal, i.e. they begin to plan the cover-up. "No," Martha Weasel insists. "No Cover Up." "Aw, c'mon, we always do cover ups," says Cheney. "Just like we covered up how Bush knew about 9-11." But, Mrs Weasel insists on the truth. Weasel sends an aide to find out what that word, truth, means.

Meanwhile, back at CTU, Sweet Potato Face begins ordering Studboy around. She's rough, and he likes it. He begins "hacking" into the apartment building. By hacking, he means buzzing each apartment individually, and trying to get them to ring him. Apartment 1-A. "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!" "UPS, Delivery." No response. Apartment 1-B. "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!" "Fedex Delivery." No response. Apartment 1-C. "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!" "Stripper-gram."

Meanwhile, Jack discreetly lands on the roof in an inconspicuous blue helicopter with a great big CTU logo on the side. Jack checks in with Sweet Potato Face at CTU, who tells him Studboy got lucky because Apartment C-4 ordered Domino's for lunch, but they have only a minute to get in or the pizza is on them. So, after all that trouble, Jack and Token just go in and point guns at the rent-a-cops and order them around.They get into the elevator just as the cameras come on-line. The guard control radios the rent-a-cop to find out what's up. Jack Bauer tells him to say he's in the men's room. The rent-a-cop answers, "I'm in the men's room... in a FLANK TWO position!" Jack cold cocks him.

Elevator doors open, a shootout ensues, Jack handcuffs Hannibal Connery and pins him into the ground. CTU detects a presence in the bedroom and they go in weapons hot, to where someone is hiding behind the bed. It's Hannibal Connery's sex slave. She just wants to go home. Hannibal Connery has been molesting her, abusing her, and feeding her a steady diet of fava beans and nice chianti.

1:32:22 to 1:38:56

Badger is making Paul Teutul Jr cut into the nerve gas canisters, and giving precise instructions in millimeters to a guy who skipped math in high school so he could build bongs in Metal Shop. Badger inquires about his family, then tells American Chopper dude that his own wife is in prison, and he has a son he hasn't seen in so long, he probably wouldn't recognize him. "Oh, why didn't you just say you were from Kentucky," American Chopper Dude says.

At Hannibal Connery's penthouse suite, they tape him up and Jack Bauer begins interrogating him. HC asks to speak to his lawyer, or Senator Pat Leahy. Either is good. Jack Bauer is unimpressed. "Go to Hell," Hannibal Connery spits at him. Jack Bauer causes him some enormous pain and then delivers his trademark, "By the time I'm finished with you, you're gonna wish you felt this good again."

Hannibal Connery demands full immunity, unfreezing of his assets, transport to a third country, the company of his Jailbait Sex Slave, and the letter M stricken from the alphabet. "No deal," Jack says. Sam Gamgee says, "Unh-unh, Mr. Frodo. You have to give him the deal." Jack reluctantly agrees.

1:43:02 to 1:48:18

Now, Jack wants to know where Badger is. Hannibal Connery reveals that he was put in touch with Badger by "Some Puerto Rican guy." He'll give up the Precious Computer Chip as soon as he gets his immunity deal. Jack Bauer then finds out Jailbait is only 15 and decides he doesn't want to send her away with Hannibal Connery.

Meanwhile, at CTU, the bitter and awkward Sweet Potato Face-Studboy-Truffle Shuffle triangle plays out, with Studboy being escorted out of CTU by a couple of red shirts. Truffle Shuffle tries to move in on Sweet Potato Face while she's vulnerable, but she shoots him down like Air Force 1 in season 4.

And then at the Presidential Retreat, Mary Todd Weasel helps hammer out the details of the full confession. Dick Cheney calls President Weasel to the West hallway. Turns out, Sid Blumenthal is really hung. (Don't get excited, Andrew Sullivan. It's the other kind of hung.)

Meanwhile, Badger's American Chopper guy succeeds in cutting into the nerve gas canisters.

1:52:42 to 1:59:59

Sam Gamgee walks outside to meet Cartman's Mom. She wants the money, instead, he gives her the name of a doctor. But she doesn't want a guest spot on House, she wants the money. Her crackhead boyfriend, played by John McCain in his much-publicized cameo role, kicks the crap out of him. They steal his wallet and roar off on his motorcycle.

S4GF still hasn't tracked down Jack's hot, danger-prone daughter. So, Jack sits down and has a talk with Jailbait instead, basically telling her that she has to go with Hannibal Connery, but, wink-wink, he and some agents will follow her and make sure nothing will happen to her. She'll be perfectly safe.

Just like Behrooz.

Meanwhile, Badger, having gotten what he wanted, sliced canister-wise, does exactly whet we knew he would do and kills Paul Teutul Jr. Paul Teutul Sr comes out and calls his son a dumbass for getting shot. Badger then calls Hannibal Connery and tells him they've got the identification key. Hannibal Connery and Badger agree to meet up and pass on the Precious Computer Chip. Suddenly Jailbait pulls a gun and takes out Hannibal Connery. He's dead, and Badger is going to call back any minute.

So, who's good at impressions?

Next Weeks Episode: Weekend at Lecter's

(P.S. Scenes from next week include lots of references to 'releasing gas.' I am totally looking forward to that target rich environment.)

The Quintessential 24 Kit.

Hey folks! It's jimmyb here with the official CUG approved 24 viewers accessories kit, from Ronco! This here has all the stuff you'll need to have a quality 24 experience. Yee-haw!
(Click on pictures for a better view of them.)

Starting at the left we have hydration staples, beginning with a bottle of Shiner 96, a nice Marzen style beer. Next to it is a backup Bud. Then, as a backup to the backup, a high-powered cheap beer, for after you're beyond the caring-about-taste point. Always have a backup for safety.
Heh. Watching Jack torture terrorists and traitors works me up a powerful thirst!
(I like beer.)












Additionally, there is a bottle of Merlot, not so much as a backup, but just in case one would want to eat red meat while watching the Jack obliterate terrorists with his cell phone. As an added bonus, this also is a good way to aggravate PETArds. Jack would punch a PETArd in the face, I'm pretty sure.
(I like wine and red meat.)

Below the liquid stress relief kit, we have the remote controls (which need to be heavily guarded) for the A/V stuff, and a bullet-proof vest, just in case Chloe starts indiscriminately spraying automatic weapons fire.
(I like A/V stuff. Chloe is cool, too.)

Moving back to the top, we have a long range Savage .308 with a stainless, fluted barrel, to snipe terrorists and commies that may try to attack your house, or Amurica.
Stoopid Russian-break-away-state terrorists. They're all over the place!!!
Below the Savage, is a backup/close(r) range/entry rifle. It gets a top grade of AR-15 +!
Remember kids, always have a backup (or 3).
(I like long range and entry rifles.)

Of course, there is also fuel for the body as well. Pictured here is some of that aforementioned cooked animal flesh from a murdered steer, which is combined in nice compact, portable package called a "hamburger" (for some Germanic reason).
This is commonly called knuckle-dragging-ignoramus food in Kalifornia hippy-lib circles.
Jack Bauer kills animals and eats them on a regular basis. He laughs when he does it.

And of course, no show would be complete without popcorn!! Yay!
(I like chow!)

Coming next to the sidearms, the primary choice here is a scoped Colt .45 ACP.
For a backup, the classic 686 Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum in stainless is a handy little number. The backup to the backup is a Berretta A21 in .22 LR.
I would let Jack Bauer borrow a backup, since he seems to only have one gun, that he must give up (for a little while) to terrorists holding hostages.
(I like side-arms!)

If you don't have a backup to the backup to the backup, you likely live on the coast or in Canada.
Sorry about that.
Also note, weapons power is commensurate with the danger different threats pose to our country.

For example:

Small weapons = for wiping out terrorists (somewhat dangerous).

Medium weapons = for toasting hippies, marxists, and dirty-commie college professors (mucho dangerous).

Big weapons = for totally smiting rabidly leftwing Dems, Hollywood hate-filled whiners, and rich communist asshats like Moore and Soros. (Super-hyper-OMG dangerous!!! Run! The end of the country will come at their hate-filled, bloody, hypocritical hands!!! AAAAAHHHGGGGG!!!!!!).

Also, due to the increased danger of an influx of liberals from Canada moving to the now more (relatively speaking) liberal US, thanks to the Conservative win up there, the Canukismiter is on full alert at a DefCon 2 level! (Of course, Jack Bauer loves dogs. Especially ones that bite hippies.)



















Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!
Arf!!!!
Evil-doers take note:
If Jack doesn't get you, the Conservative UAW Hound will!
Traitors beware....

Disclaimer: Some of you may have noticed that some of the items in the first picture of this post should never be mixed.

You are correct.
Warning:

Never mix firearms and popcorn; as an unpopped corn kernal could jam the action, rendering the firearm temporarily inoperable.
Lubricate the action with beer if it is an emergency.
Just make sure to clean it immediatly after smiting.

This has been a public service message from the Conservative UAW Guy and Blogs 4 Bauer.
Bonus points if you know where the "I like..." bit comes from.
Cross-posted on Blogs 4 Bauer.

Copyright CUG/Halichimpy/BloodforOil Industries, 2006 on up.

We knew it was coming...
...but were powerless to stop it.

Our apologies to all of you who came by in the past hour and a half and were unable to access Blogs4Bauer. Blogger was down for a pre-scheduled maintenance.

We still managed to get in the full live-blogging session before they went down, however, and you can view it here.

And, as a special treat, V the K should have his tivo-blogging up at some point tomorrow morning. So, when you get to work, or wake up and realize you've slept through class, and decide you need a laugh to lighten the load, check back and enjoy V the K's take on the hour's events.

Oh, and since Kim Bauer didn't show up like she was supposed to, enjoy the picture at the right.

Until Next Week.
Or later in the week or tomorrow or until V the K gets his post up.

Here is my submission into the "Kim Collection." Hey, I had to post at least one. :)

Live Blogging of 24.

As some of you know I missed last week's episode so if I act a little surprised about anything that happens this week you'll know why.

7:58 - I'm sitting here ready to blog 24.

8:02 - "The Following takes place between 1:00P.M. and 2:00P.M."

8:04 - Walt's eyes are still a little red. Poor baby.

8:05 - So Kim is comming back.

8:06 - So what is the point of playing dead if you just go back to your old job?

8:07 - Samwise Gamgee has a crack-head sister.

8:08 - 100K dead?!?!?! The death toll always has to get bigger and bigger.

8:10 - Sloppy terrorists. Jacob Rossler is a sloppy terrorist.

8:12 - Find his daughter. I knew it. Duh.

8:14 - Does anyone else like the new Xterra's?

8:17 - You tell him Mrs. Logan. He is an ass and we all know it.

8:19 - I hope that hurt. Now he is apologizing to Mike? That slap must have worked.

8:21 - I need to slow down. This isn't minute by minute blogging.

8:23 - An elite system and Spencer is in 10 seconds later?

8:24 - Wow! With a 1/5th of a second to spare.

8:26 - What were those guys thinking? Shooting at Jack is like a death wish.

8:32 - Always wear safety goggles when drilling into nerve gas containers. (RFTR says he saw McCain.)

8:35 - Oh pain. Feels sooooo good.

8:37 - Bet you a dollar, the girl blows him away before they get anything from him.

8:42 - Chloe is a tool. I kinds feel sorry for Spencer. He should find a puppy or something.

8:46- A Piñata. Death number three. (blogger can't do specials)

8:52 - Crack-Head Gamgee. That bitch.

8:54 - Hurry Audrey, I want to see Kim too.

8:55 - 5mm takes a long time. Oops he's dead.

8:56 - Back in 5 minutes? That is next week.

8:57 - NO KIM!!!??? AHHHHHHH!!!

8:58 - Hot damn, I called that play.

Death Toll - 5
2 by Jack
1 by rope
1 by Terrorist
1 by I think it was Jacks gun.

Join the Blogs4Bauer Blogring!

See, Miss Chatterbox? Palmer is not the only stiff we make fun of.

An important connection
Apparently, we will not only be treated to the reappearance of Kim tonight, but also a brief cameo by Senator John McCain. Apparently McCain will be playing a faceless bureaucrat (how painfully ironic) handing a document to someone at CTU—most likely Samwise Gamgee.

But how can we explain McCain's appearance on a show that so stridently defends the use of torture when he himself is such an ardent anti-torture advocate?

Well, dear readers, I've figured it out.

John McCain is Jack Bauer's long-lost son. Need evidence? Well, take a look at this photographic proof!



It makes perfect sense. Just like Secretary Heller, Jack Bauer's tough-guy ways have caused his son to rebel and adopt a more liberal attitude—rejecting torture and the like.

But he still has Jack's genes, so the good Senator remains quite a looker.

Don't forget to keep coming back to Blogs4Bauer all day for more updates, predictions, and scary photoshopping jobs in anticipation of tonight's episode. And remember, starting just before 8 PM Eastern, we will begin our weekly liveblogging event. Don't miss it!

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge
11:54 - Jack Bauer's last confirmed kill.

Has Jack Bauer lost his nerve? Will Audrey allow Jack to kill terrorists and let her own emotional baggage take a backseat to saving the world? Will Kim Bauer's husband end up lending a hand to his old pals at CTU? Who's hiding behind the bed in to preview for the upcoming shows?

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count
How many people are going to die tonight?

AL has guessed the exact number of bodies for the past two weeks. It appears that we may have our first mole here at Blogs4Bauer.
Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy ~ Guess - 4
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR ~ Guess - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL ~ Guess - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL ~ Guess - 1

I hope you're all enjoying the Super Bowl
Just remember that 24 hours from now, on 24, we will be watching...

THE RETURN OF KIM!

How excited am I right now?

B4B Fight Club: Edgar v. Hurley. Who Wins?

Edgar: '24'
Age: late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Analyst/Comic Book Enthusiast
Current Season Death Count: 0
Strengths: Um... maybe he learned how to grease a guy when he was on 'The Sopranos?'
Weaknesses: Easily distracted, difficulty staying on task
Curious Detail: Lost his mother to a terrorist attack

Hurley: 'Lost'
Age: late twenties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Millionaire/Gourmand
Current Season Death Count: 0
Strengths: Was on 'Becker' for one season. Has probably seen Ted Danson without a toupee and no longer fears death.
Weaknesses: Reciting the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, & 42 will cause him to freak out
Curious Detail: Lost his grandfather to a heart attack after winning the lottery (is now worth $256 million)

Eye Popping Caption Contest

1) Caption or photoshop this scene
2) Email photoshops to Blogs4Bauer

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pennsylvania (AP) -- Punxsutawney Phil saw Jack Bauer's shadow, but it was hard to find a complainer in the crowd at Gobbler's Knob. This ensures there will be at least six more months of killing on 24.

The last time Phil did not see Bauer's shadow, Jack tortured the mayor of Punxsutawney, his wife, and 30 local residents until Phil finally admitted to seeing Jack's shadow.

Phil also predicted that the Seattle Seahawks would win the Super Bowl 35-24, which led Jack Bauer to take the groundhog into a dark room for 30 minutes. When they emerged, a semiconscious Punxsutawney Phil predicted that the Pittsburgh Steelers would win 28-14.

Point-Counterpoint

A few days ago, a misguided reject from the lamest decade ever moaned that Jack Bauer and the powers-that-be in the United States government were guilty of a laundry list of offenses, including the violation of people's civil rights. Well, my hemp-smoking friend, I am here to say that Jack Bauer and the U.S. government do not violate their civil rights enough!

On Monday, Jack Bauer beat the ugly off Walt Cummings, and threatened to pop his eye like a champagne cork, in full view of the President. Like our long-haired commentator, I have a real problem with this, because I think Jack should have followed through with his threat. Maybe it was the embarrassing phone call he received from uber-annoyance Audrey Raines, or maybe Jack is losing his nerve; either way, Bauer should have turned Cummings into his own personal voodoo doll.

And while we are at it, Jack should have bitch-slapped President Logan as well; just to show him who is really in charge.

I am also getting sick and tired of Division sending limp-wristed (read: Democrat) bureaucrats to CTU Los Angeles with the intention of overseeing field agents' progress. Put me in charge, and I will let field agents have carte blanche in the area of information-gathering. You want to choke a man unconscious to get a lead? Fabulous! You need to shoot and kill a few witnesses? No problemo! As long as it gets results.

Whether the pot-reeking hippie realizes it or not, we are living in a Post-9/11 world. It is time to use Post-9/11 methods.

Shine on, you crazy diamond!

Counterpoint
I Think Jack Bauer Is Far Out, man

B4B Fight Club: Jack Bauer versus Mr. Eko. Who Wins?

Jack Bauer: '24'
Age: late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Secret Agent/Roughneck
Current Season Death Count: 9 (weapons: gun, bomb, surgical scissors)
Strengths: Firearms (not allowed in Fight Club), torture, blowing sh*t up with his cell phone, resourceful
Weaknesses: Possibly powerless without his cell phone
Curious Detail: Once Addicted to Heroin

Mr. Eko: 'Lost'
Age: late thirties
Nationality: Nigerian
Occupation: Ganglord/Priest
Current Season Death Count: 3 (weapons: bare-hands)
Strengths: Blunt instruments, physical strength, years of experience as Nige-rian drug-gang enforcer
Weaknesses: Gets sulky after a killing
Curious Detail: Once Supplier of Heroin

Jack Bauer: Human-Animal Hybrid

During the State of the Union, President Bush exposed a secret from deep inside CTU. Jack Bauer is a human-animal hybrid, developed in a lab to protect us from evil. And you wonder why Jack never stops killing to pee, he's bred not to. Ethical issues you say? Since when did we start caring about moral issues when Jack has already broken like 7 of the 10 Commandments?

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our Creator -- and that gift should never be discarded, devalued or put up for sale. (applause)

Before President Bush puts an end to the practice of making Hybrid-Humans, he should crank out a few more Jacks and another Kim, but no more Edgars. Just don't tell the Chinese.

I also posted on this at my other site.

Awesome
We here at Blogs4Bauer couldn't be more gratified. In our first full month of operation, we've had over 11,000 hits. That's just amazing.

So, on behalf of all of us, let me say thanks:

She comes back next week!