Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Hi, and thank you for tuning in to the Couric Power Hour. My name is Katie Couric, Dan Rather no longer works here.

Jack Bauer is running for Senator of both New York and Connecticut and I think it's a very bad idea. Bad for New York, even worse for Connetiucut, and even more worse for the Senate. New York and Connecticut need their own senators; Jack Bauer should stick with what he does best - whatever that is.

First of all, is this stunt even legal? I've never heard of anyone being a Senator from two different states. Even if being a senator from two different states is ok, being a Senator from two different states at the same time is probably against the rules.

Second, I would like to know if Jack Bauer could represent the people of New York and Connecticut. He happens to be from California and has spent the past 5 seasons between Mexico, California, and a brief time in a whore house in Nevada. I know that New York needs a senator that is a true New Yorker and is not running for Senate just to make a run at a higher office.

Third, Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath with no known people skills; he has no place in a law-abiding institution like our Congress. We know what Jack Bauer is capable of with a towel, hacksaw, and a box of Peanut M&Ms. Where does this translate to an ability to create meaningful legislation? Jack Bauer cannot get a bill to become law by simply torturing it.

With these arguments in hand, I hope that the people of New York and Connecticut avoid the media hype surrounding their candidate for Senate and vote for whom they think will do a good job representing the common person from their state. That would be Ned Lamont and Hillary Clinton, not Jack Bauer.

Good Night and Good Luck, Courage.

-Katie Couric

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Top Ten Questions Asked Of CTU Applicants

10. Have you ever been convicted of a felony in the United States?
9. Would you accept a position with CTU Security? We have several openings.
8. Are you offended by gratuitous torture?
7. Do you have a list of references?
6. Do you think it is morally wrong to impale a terrorist?
5. Do you have morals?
4. How many assault weapons do you currently own?
3. Are you now or have you ever been a mole?
2. Is love the answer? (Trick hippie question.)

And the number one question asked of CTU applicants is . . .

1. How long does it take you to dismember a body, and can we time you here?

A message from Jack Bauer

A Message from Candidate for Senator of NY and CT, Jack Bauer

As a proud father of a special little girl, I'm outraged at CBS for their use of my daughter, Kim Bauer, to promote their new news anchor, Katie Couric. As you can see below, the editors at their internal magazine (Watch!) "photoshopped" my daughter's face over Couric's to.

This is an insult to my family that cannot go unpunished.

I'm not going to demand that CBS apologize, that's not the way Jack Bauer works. Apologizing would be just too easy to do.

A note to interns at CBS: Do not operate the water cooler on the 14th floor if you want to be able to look at your mother and not give her nightmares. Also, don't flush the toilet in the second stall in the men's room on the 18th floor. You may want to not print to the color printer on the 23rd floor. Try to not use the revolving doors in the front lobby. Oh, and don't touch the bagels in the main conference room. Finally, be on the lookout for an exploding stapler, I forgot where I left it - it's a black Swingline.

CBS, you are running out of time and I just found a hacksaw.

-Jack

Bauer 2006 Bumper Sticker Contest - Cont.

Bauer 2006 Bumper Sticker Contest - Continued

Jack Bauer has the look, the desire, and the guns needed to run for Senate. What he doesn't have is a bumper sticker. That's where you come in.

Your Mission: Design a bumper sticker for Bauer2006
1) Develop a bumper sticker for Jack Bauer's 2006 run for the Senate in NY and CT.
2) Either create a post and send us a link or email your design to us.
3) All entries should be submitted by Friday (9/8).

On Friday (9/14), we will host a poll to choose a winner. The winning bumper sticker design will be placed on CafePress for sale. Any proceeds will be donated to AnySoldier, Inc.

Bumper Sticker Contest Entries

- Esbiem

- Esbiem

- Doug Morris

-Catscape

-Catscape

Emmy Counter

Jack Bauer has one question for Ned Lamont. How many Emmy Awards have you won?



And it would have been 3 Emmy Awards for Jack Bauer if the technical award for Outstanding Use of an Exploding Memory Stick had not gone to that jerk in House.



Previously
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence
Bauer2006 Platform #5 - No Black Helicopters
Bauer2006 Platform #6 - This Is My Daughter
Bauer2006 Platform #7 - One Sure Thing In My Administration Will Be Death And Taxes
And Now, A Message From Your Candidate

And Now, A Message From Your Candidate

Hello, I'm Jack Bauer, and I would like to talk to you about my New York opponent, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Ms. Clinton believes that diplomacy and understanding will keep America safe. I am here to tell you that diplomacy and understanding are what got this country into its predicament in the first place. Diplomacy and understanding brought about 9-11. Diplomacy and understanding brought about Iran's nuclear arms race. And diplomacy and understanding is what my opponent used when she forgave her husband, The President of the United States, after he committed adultery and perjury.

What kind of person lets their lover get away with such nonsense? Now, I know what you are thinking: "Jack, Nina Myers had a hand in kidnapping your family, murdered your wife, and committed treason." All of this is true, but I "forgave" my lover by shooting her multiple times in the chest and head. Apology accepted.

As your United States Senator, I will avoid diplomacy and understanding. I vow to speak softly, and carry a very big gun: one that holds lots and lots of bullets.

Bauer2006 Platform #7 - One Sure Thing In My Administration Will Be Death And Taxes

Specifically, more death and fewer taxes. The Bauer Administration will fight not only to bring back the death penalty in New York and Connecticut, but it will also promise to initiate it as often as the law allows. The death penalty is not a deterrent because it is not used nearly enough. As Senator, Jack Bauer will twist as many necks as necessary to implement its use. Mr. Bauer has also hinted at changing the death penalty to the more humane guillotine.

The Bauer Administration will also firefight to cut your taxes. The money saved on the guillotine alone will offset the skyrocketing cost of electricity and lethal injections. This is money that Jack Bauer will pass on to the law-abiding citizen. In Mr. Bauer's proposed new tax code, anyone convicted of a crime will shoulder more than 75 percent of the states' total taxes. Those without a rap sheet will split the remaining 25 percent. And since felons cannot legally vote, they have no say in the matter. How can you go wrong?

Jack Bauer 2006: Don't Fear The Reaper . . . Or The Tax Man.

Bauer2006 Platform #6 - This Is My Daughter.

Vote Bauer.

Bauer2006 Platform #5

Bauer2006 Platform #5 - No Black Helicopters

Republican candidate for Senate in New York "K.T." McFarland claims that Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) was using black helicopters to spy on her. What did McFarland do about these helicopters? She went to the media like any typical politician would do.

What would Jack Bauer do about black helicopters spying on him? Go to the media or take care of the situation himself? That's right, Jack Bauer would simply take out his handgun and shoot the helicopter(s) down. Just to make things fair, he could even shoot with his eyes closed.

Jack Bauer will shoot first, asking questions is for sissies.


Previous
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence

The Top Ten Bauer 2006 Campaign Promises

10. All moles will be hunted down and killed. For now, squirrels are okay.
9. Public schools will replace soccer fields with shooting ranges.
8. Read my lips: no new terrorists.
7. Handguns will be mandatory for every citizen.
6. Blogs posting pictures of Kim Bauer will be immediately erased.
5. Chloe O'Brian will be named Secretary of Frowning and Sarcasm.
4. The Pittsburgh Penguins will move to Hartford and be renamed the Whalers.
3. New York will reinstate the death penalty: strangulation by piano wire.
2. Christopher Henderson will be reanimated as a cyborg cop.

And the number one Bauer 2006 campaign promise is . . .

1. Edgar Stiles will be posthumously awarded Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion.

Michelle, We Hardly Knew Ye

It has come to the attention of the staff at B4B that the only woman currently pictured in a front page post is Hillary "The Hill-dabeast" Clinton.

This cannot stand.

And since Elisha Cuthbert mentions RFTR and "Restraining Order" in the same breath nowadays, I figure we could use a dose of vitamin Dessler. Enjoy!

Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer Will Man The Border Fence.

Unlike Hillary Clinton and Ned Lamont, Jack Bauer does not vacillate when it comes to border security. Illegal immigration is a national problem, not just an Arizona or California problem. In that vein, when Jack Bauer is elected U.S. Senator (CT/NY), he has not only promised to build a border fence: he has promised to man it!

The Jack Bauer Plan is two-fold. First, he will lobby (read: beat down any opposition) for a 50-foot high, electrified, razor-wire fence along the entire border - including the east and west coasts. Sorry, surfer hippies, the beaches are now closed! This plan will eradicate illegal immigrants from coming into the U.S. from Mexico, Canada, and the oceans. You never know who or what will wash ashore nowadays.

Second, Jack Bauer will take time out of his busy day - as if U.S. Senators ever do anything productive - to personally man the border fence, armed with a Louisville Slugger and a case of Schlitz. In a classic example of bravado, Jack will also place an Eveready battery on his shoulder, and dare any immigrant to knock it off. Bring it on, immigrants! Jack dares you.

Bauer2006 - Solid Snake Endorsement

Bauer 2006 Endorsements
Solid Snake

In his heart of hearts, Jack Bauer is a soldier. He has been tested on the battlefields of combat and of life, and has come out of both the better person for it. Jack Bauer is the right man for this - and any - job.

Sure, sometimes Jack lets his emotions get in the way - I remember the time he helped me brutally beat Revolver Ocelot outside an abandoned Russian factory - but his heart is always in the right place. Jack Bauer fights for freedom, and during that fight, sometimes your hands get dirty (read: bloody).

I heartily endorse my brother in arms for Senator of Connecticut and New York.

Bauer2006 - Endorsement #1

Bauer2006 Endorsements
Private First Class Bill Rizer
Private First Class Lance Bean

Hi, I'm PFC Rizer my buddy is PFC Bean - you know us as Contra. All the following important messages are belong to us.

When we get into a firefight with Red Falcon and all we have are some Spread Guns, there's only one person we want as backup, Jack Bauer.

With Jack Bauer in a political fight of his own, he needs our help. Are you willing to sit by and let him battle alone? No!

We endorse Jack Bauer in his run for Senate in both NY and CT.

Bauer2006 Bumper Sticker Contest

Jack Bauer has the look, the desire, and the guns needed to run for Senate. What he doesn't have is a bumper sticker. That's where you come in.

Your Mission: Design a bumper sticker for Bauer2006
1) Develop a bumper sticker for Jack Bauer's 2006 run for the Senate in NY and CT.
2) Either create a post and send us a link or email your design to us.
3) All entries should be submitted by Friday (8/18).

Next Friday (8/18), we will host a poll to choose a winner. The winning bumper sticker design will be placed on CafePress for sale. Any proceeds will be donated to AnySoldier, Inc.


Bumper Sticker Contest Entries

- Esbiem

- Esbiem

Bauer2006 Platform #3

Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
No candidate running for Senate in both New York and Connecticut in can do more to cut moles and waste than Jack Bauer. For too long, blowhards on both sides of the aisle have gone to town on pork and for too long, no other Senator was there to pull out a knife and a blowtorch to trim the pork. Until now.

As Senator of New York and Connecticut, Jack Bauer will also use his mole-finding skills in Washington DC. The next time a "leak" is discovered, it will be plugged before the ink dries on the morning edition of The NY Times.

How will Jack deal with leaks you ask? Well let's just say Bauer's Bag o'Tricks includes a car battery, nipple clamps, a Yanni CD, and a towel. For good measure, a hacksaw is on the way.

Let me ask you one question. Do you want a Senator who will name a bridge after himself or one who will blow up a bridge then name the explosion after himself?

Jack Bauer 2006 - Representation with Extreme Persuasion.


Jack Bauer for Senate of both NY and CT approved this message.

Previous
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1
Bauer2006 Platform #2

Jack Bauer will not cut and run

Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run.
Both Hillary and Joe support the mission in Iraq, even if they find quarrel with some of the choices the current administration has made in pursuing its goals.

Jack Bauer is no different.

He believes that kicking terrorist ass is important, and that, if we are doing anything in Iraq, we are certainly kicking some terrorist ass.

But he won't stomach cut-and-run politicians who think that withdrawing now is the best course for our future. And Jack knows how hard that choice can be. He didn't serve on some boat in the middle of the jungle, sit on a splinter and get a Purple Heart out of it—no, Jack has come face-to-face with terrorism on several occasions.

And have the terrorists ever won? No. Why? Because Jack faced them down each and every time.

When terrorists present you with the choice of watching your daughter's boyfriend die or staying, and risking your own life, to "give him a hand," then you can criticize Jack's terror-fighting credentials.

Until then, let's put him in office and then get out of his way to let him get the job done.

Jack Bauer will never cut and run.

Previous
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1

Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont

Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont.
Connecticut voters do not want a Senator that'll be another lap dog for the President. Ned Lamont has shown just how close to the President he is, time and time again. Let's not forget the infamous hug seen in the picture below.

Jack Bauer will not listen to the President or any of his cabinet, staff, or advisors. He may even try to pop out an eyeball or two in order to get things done.

I know Jack Bauer and Ned Lamont is no Jack Bauer.


Previous
Bauer2006 Launch

Jack Bauer 2006

Jack Bauer is prepared to bend the rules in order to save America, again.

Blogs4Bauer is proud to be the exclusive home of Bauer2006. Jack Bauer is running and Bauer06 is the "netroots" effort to elect him to represent both Connecticut and New York in the US Senate. That's right both Connecticut and New York as a write-in candidate for Senate. Did I stutter?

Blogs4Bauer will host a series of posts leading up to Election Day in November. We will have FAQs, platforms, and even host a debate.

Email us or post a comment below if you want get involved.

Also, check out the Bauer2006 Bumper Sticker Design Contest

Platforms
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence

Endorsements
Contra - NEW
Solid Snake - NEW
Hugh Hewitt
Instapundit
GOP and the City
RFTR
The Body Politic
SondraK
Cake or Death
The Smoking Room
Dirkworld
GOP and College
Citizen Grim
Blogs4Condi
John Bauer
Below the Beltway
Wyatt Earp
Joe Gringo
Life With Al
Kitty Myers
First State Politics
Reject the Koolaid
Little Miss Chatterbox
BlogDC
The National Review
The New York Times (just kidding)

Other
Add a Bauer2006 logo to your website.

24 DVD Game Coming Soon

Coming Soon: Baueropoly
Good news to those of you who already have the 24 Cell Phone game, the 24 DVD box sets, the 24 PS2 game, the 24 wrist watch, and the CTU Ringtone.

A 24 DVD Board game will be on sale in August. According to IMDB, only Keifer Sutherland made the jump from TV to the game and Duppy Demetrius is the writer for the game.

Here is a Blogs4Bauer exclusive preview of the game:

Baueropoly
Contents: DVD, game board, mole(s), game cards, C4, label sheet, torture devices, player tokens. (hacksaw not included)

Objective: Players take on the role of CTU agents, racing time to collect clues and win on-screen "mini-game challenges." Each game begins with a terrorist act; the CTU agents are then briefed and given several clues regarding the terrorists' full plans. Kim Bauer then screws everything up forcing some players to restart the game. The first player to identify and stop a threat to national security wins. The losers get tortured.

Mini-game challenges: Randomly pick from the cards for tasks that include: force Nina Myers to swallow a towel, Get Edgar to eat dog food, and make love to Kim Bauer.

Jack Bauer in the kitchen with the lead pipe.

Do you have any suggestions for the game? Add them in the comments below.