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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 5:00 pm and 6:00 pm

5:00:00 to 5:12:04

President Belushi is wheeled into the ER. The SecDef decides that VP Jim Jones will now be in charge. "I'll drink to that," says Jim Jones. Everyone seems very concerned that Weasel Cage is missing and the SecDef orders that the whole batcave be sweeped. Rodent Boy grabs a broom and pretends to look busy.

Ironically, Weasel Cage is in the janitor’s closet being taunted by Random Task. Rodent Boy walks in and Random Task asks if he can whack off Weasel Cage. “We can’t kill Weasel Cage,” Rodent Boy insists. “Why not?” Random Task demands. “Because we’re not murderers…. Well, technically we are… look, if you kill him, you’ll have to kill me... then you'll be a super-duper heavy duty murderer to infinity.” Random Task agrees to let Rodent Boy try to reason with Weasel Cage. Rodent Boy promises that if Weasel Cage comes over to the dark side, he can round up all the Muslims he wants... and maybe some Hare Krishnas. Weasel Cage agrees. But when the exit the janitor's closet, Weasel Cage totally narcs out Rodent Boy and Random Task to the Secret Service. "Hey, that was totally not cool man," Rodent Boy chitters. "What happened to you? You used to be cool. It's like I don't even know you anymore."

Back in El Lay, Jack and Obi-Wan Logan approach the Russian Consulate. In the back of the limo, Obi-Wan starts babbling about the loneliness of being locked away from the world, and some jabber about hearing voices inside and how they can help. The voices have also told him to shave his head and proclaim himself the anti-Christ. Chiggy Killer calls Jack, and tells him about the bomb that went off in the batcave, Killing Bashir and severely wounding President Belushi.

5:16:25 to 7:24:54

VP Jim Jones steps off Air Force 1, and is met by his top aide, Ann Coulter, who calls him a faggot. Jim Jones calls Chiggy at CTU and demands to know what the hell is going on with Obi-Wan Logan getting a furlough. Chiggy explains it’s the only way to get the location of Whistler. Jack will be keeping Obi-Wan on a short leash… "Kinky," Jim Jones says. (Jim Jones has a scowl that could put Dick Cheney off his lunch.)

At the consulate, Obi-Wan insists that he meet with Ivana Jackoff alone. Jack is not cool with this. “I’m not cool with this,” Jack says, but Obi-Wan insists it’s the only way Jackoff will spill his guts ... his hot, white creamy guts. In the consulate, Obi-Wan confronts Jackoff about the suitcase nuke. Jackoff offers him a cigar, but denies knowing anything about the location of Whistler. “Give me Whistler, or I’ll let Moscow know that you were the one who gave the terrorists the Tex-Mex gas two years ago.” Jackoff gets really pissy and insists he doesn’t know where Whistler is, and Obi-Wan claims to believe him. As soon as he leaves, Jackoff calls Whistler, who is at the old abandoned airpark, assembling stealth UAV’s and getting high off the airplane glue.

Obi-Wan reports to Jack that Jackoff is lying, that he really does know where Whistler is. Jack decides he's going into the consulate. "If you go into the consulate, you'll be violating international law," Obi-Wan warns him.

"Tell me something I don't know," Jack snarls.

"I had the first spoken lines in the movie 'Airplane!' Obi-Wan replies

Jack calls RPF and tells her to "Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!" I mean, cut power to the Russian consulate. Jack’s going back in. After a few hours with his dysfunctional family, a foreign prison seems mighty inviting.

5:29:06 to 5:38:48

Chiggy tells Frau Blucher about the attempt on the president’s life, and that Jim Jones is in charge. This makes Frau Blucher decide to go back to the batcave. Jim Jones, meanwhile, is ready to implement ‘Martian Law.’

Under interrogation, Weasel Cage is singing like Celine Dion… meaning nobody wants to listen to him. The Secret Service isn’t buying that he tried to stop Rodent Boy and Random Task, even though Weasel insists he was only trying to "ferret out" Rodent Boy. But the Secret Service smells a rat. Then, they watch a Richard Gere movie. Then, Jim Jones comes in and says, if Weasel Cage will stop spreading conspiracy theories, he'll dub him "Sir Phobos: Knight of Mars, Beater of Ass!"

Back at the Russian consulate, Jack yammers something in made-up Russian at a guard. Then, RPF cuts the power and Jack makes it inside where he whips out a gun on Jackoff. “I don’t have time to ask nicely, where’s Grandenko?” “I think it’s near Kaliningrad,” Jackoff answers. Jack calls Chiggy, “You better tell President Jim Jones I’m barricaded inside the Russian embassy, and Jack Bauer’s gonna have to choke a bitch. He'll understand.”

5:43:02 to 5:49:49

Jim Jones tries out his presidential chair. Ann Coulter addresses him, “Hey, faggot! You ready to give your speech, faggot? Frau Blucher is on her way back to the batcave, faggot.” About then, Chiggy calls and lets Jim Jones know that Jack is inside the Russian Counselate, which may have pissed the VP off, or not. It's kind of hard to tell with somebody who's always pissed off. (What exactly did this guy bring to the Wayne Palmer 2012 ticket anyway?) Then, Ann Coulter gets another call. “Hey, faggot, it’s the faggot Russian President Subaru. You wanna talk to him, faggot?”

Meanwhile, Jack is beating down Jackoff, or beating off Jackdown. Something like that. “Who does Number Two work for?” Jack demands. Then, he remembers a scene from his favorite movie, Spies Like Us, and threatens to amputate Jackoff’s fingers, which would make further masturbation jokes problematic at best. Then, Jack cuts off a finger --- not his, Jackoff's. Then, he points a gun to Jackoff’s head, and Jackoff goes limp and spills that Whistler is in Shadow Valley building drones as airborne delivery vehicles for the nukes. Jack is about to leave when the door explodes, knocking him down and allowing the Russian consulate guards to swarm over him and beat him like Rodney Kingski.

05:54:05 to 05:59:59

Jim Jones addresses the nation, and tells the nation that President Belushi was nearly killed in a terrorist attack, and as a result, he’s going to send the entire country to bed without dinner.

Then, Al Bundy cracks the code to the Russian embassy and determines that they’re holding Jack prisoner. Chiggy readies another tactical team to take the consulate by force if necessary. Back at the consulate, Jack starts talking to the puffy guard who’s guarding him, Comrade Deadmeatsky. Jack tells Deadmeatsky to call CTU and let them know that Whistler is in the Shadow Valley, preparing drones to launch a nuclear attack. Deadmeatsky tries to call Chiggy Killer, but gets a slug in the back of his head from a guy who looks like Vladimir Putin. Oh well.



Anonymous said...

Jack should have cut off one of his own fingers to show the russian dude that he means business.

Hilarious usual.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Yeah, I was wondering who that killer was at the end - the fact that they hesitated so long to show his face leads me to believe he had a Mandy sized bit part from 1 of the first seasons and now he's back to do some business before he ends up torn apart in a hail of gunfire.

We need more villains that last 12 episodes.
An episode without Fayed where Gradenko is only a bit part...

It's not like you can make the russian embassy last more than 1 hour.

Greg said...

IMHO this is the best tivoblog this year. Ann Coulter! I thought for sure Frau Blucher was going to be either A) in LA by the next hour, or B) blown up on the plane on the way to LA. I guess time & space only fold when within the Los Angeles city limits.

Anonymous said...

At least the preview for next week shows lots of guns and explosions! Go kill-counter!

My money is on a Bauer "dammit" bonus kill.

Anonymous said...

How do you say 'dammit' in Russian?

Anonymous said...

The Russkies will stand down now that the VP is in charge. With Wayne running things, he would be apologizing like pussy-Kerry would do.

Captain USpace said...

Oh my! Maybe we'll get some Kim next hour...

absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
don't find the moles

steveegg said...

How do you say 'dammit' in Russian?

According to Google - Черт его (and yes, I reversed that translation, and it comes back as "damn it!

steveegg said...

And as for Pres. Jim Jones, I hope he orders a Two-One-Zebra and actually goes through with it instead of turning the plane.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Greg. I was a little nervous that the Coulter jokes might have been... um, misinterpreted.

So, maybe the Ann Coulter "President Palmer is a Faggot" Point-Counterpoint will be a go after all.