Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

TivoBlogging: The following took place between 11:00 pm and Midnight

11:00:00 to 11:12:33

In our country's darkest day, Jack Bauer knows the president is a traitor, but will he live long enough to expose him.

I'm thinkin', yeah, probably. He did just sign for three more seasons.

President Weasel is chewing out Biff Henderson. "This is all going wrong. This was supposed to make our country safer. And you screwed it up by assassinating David Palmer." "Oh, yeah," Biff answers. "Well, you screwed it up by being ugly, so there." They agree that the only way to salvage what's left of their conspiracy is to make sure Jack Bauer doesn't live long enough to expose them.

Jack and Shaft Palmer (a.k.a. Bacardi and Kahlua) are on the road again with MTAB and her daughter, Last week, Evelyn's young daughter was rescued. And Homeland Security agents managed to post pictures of her to the internet with unbelievable speed. They're good at that sort of thing. Anyway, MTAB has proof of the president's involvement hidden in a safe deposit box at a bank along with a small toy plane. MTAB was wounded in last week's climactic shoot-out, but her HMO will only cover a stay at a Motel 6, so they can't take her to the hospital. Martian Law remains in effect and Military checkpoints are making it hard for Jack and Shaft to get to the box. The military checkpoints are serious business, a dozen communist Italian journalists have already been shot. Jack phones S4GF and asks her to upload to his PDA the location of all the military security checkpoints between them and the bank. Jack checks out MTAB's bullet wound. "It's all ooky," Jack says. "We should clean this out." "No, I'm good," MTAB says. "I've been shot lots of times. I'm from New Jersey." Jack and Shaft move on, figuring she'll be safe while they get to the bank and get the evidence. After all, when does anything bad ever happen to someone who helped out Jack Bauer?

Frau Blucher asks HLS Dick why everything is running behind schedule at CTU. HLS Dick tells her that it's because all the HLS people are too busy chatting in "GovAgent4YngGirls" chat rooms. Frau Blucher is having doubts about whether taking over CTU was the right thing to do, given that Truffle Shuffle's pr0n stash was not nearly as extensive as their psyche profile suggested. Also, with no levees in Los Angeles to demolish, she's a little unsure what Homeland Security is supposed to be doing. Then she gets a call from President Weasel. "Hey Frau Blucher (whinnies) How's it goin'? Good, listen, I'm issuing a presdiential executive order to arrest Jack Bauer." Frau Blucher sighs "What is that, the third time today someone ordered Jack arrested and brought it?" Weasel doesn't know. "Third or fourth, I lose track. Anyway, be a doll and don't let anyone know it came from me, 'kay?" "Um, where else would a presidential executive order come from, sir?" "Uh... Hillary?" "OK, Gotcha."

11:16:55 to 11:27:42

Jack and Shaft are driving in their Volkswagen Jetta, listening to lame German techno. They spot an old chair someone has left out and put it in the car, but it smells foul, so they dump it off again. As they drive down the street, it begins to rain, and the action on the street seems to synch with the song they listen to on the radio. "That was weird," Jack says. Anyway, they pull up to the bank, and Jack gives Shaft a gun. "What do we need these for?" Shaft asks. Jack answers, "Hello. Bank heist. Is this your first time or something"

As a warmup to the bank job, they decide to home invade a suburban household just as the husband and wife are snuggling in bed getting ready to watch Leno's monologue. ("Hey! How 'bout that terrorist attack at the airport? Did you hear about this? I heard one guy got blown up by a cell phone. I wonder how many rollover minutes you get for that?") Jack and Shaft need the bank president to get into the bank. He is an unassuming middle-aged man who loves his still sexually appealing wife. We'll call him Deadmeat, Jack threatens to blow the bank guy's head off if he doesn't help him get into the vault. When that doesn't work, he points the gun at his wife's head. She gets unbelievably turned on and her husband agrees to help rather than lose her to JB. Deadmeat begins pulling on his pants. "Don't worry honey, I'll be fine. I'm just three days from retirement, and after My son, Bill Deadmeat Jr, graduates from High School next month, we'll have nothing left but to enjoy the rest of our lives together."

Meanwhile, S4GF calls her Daddy, the SecDef, President Hayes from Stargate, you know, that guy. He's on a private jet, on his way back from visiting his son on Brokeback Mountain. S4GF asks him, "Daddy, could you make your plane fly to Los Angeles so we can talk. It's like, really, really important, you know." Of course, he can not refuse, "Anything for you, pumpkin." Meanwhile, S4GF is being tailed by a couple HLS nitwits displaying all the competence for which the Department of Homeland Security is renowned. Seems Frau Blucher decided the best way to find Jack Bauer would be to follow Audrey. Personally, I would have just followed the trail of bullet-riddled corpses, but like I said, HLS competence. S4GF stops for gas, pulls out a walkie talkie, and with help from Chloe, finds the tracking device hidden in the most obvious possible place. Then, she looks around for someplace to stick it. Fortunately, a large truck pulls in and the large truck driver's waistband is riding low enough for S4GF to wedge it between his ass cheeks.

Anyway, back at the Motel 6, MTAB's little girl finds her hands all bloody and goes to the bathroom to wash it all off, but it won't come clean. "All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand," she laments. MTAB is shocked to hear her little girl quoting Shakespeare and promptly passes out. So, the little girl calls 911. "My mommy's fallen... and she can't get up..." 911 responds, "To proceed in English, Press 1, para continuar en espanol, oprima numero dos..." Of course, the call is intercepted by Biff Henderson. who has been listening in on all the 911 calls taking place in Los Angeles during a state of emergency. Alec Baldwin alone has called 911 a hundred and thirty seven times asking where his car keys are. (Behind the couch, dumbass). Anyway, now he knows where MTAB and his little girl are.

11:32:04 to 11:38:42

Cool. On opening, we get an all-chick Wild Wild West screen. Frau Blucher, Little Girl, S4GF, and MTAB. Anyway, President Weasel is giving a press conference taking credit for thwarting the terrorists. "First, I blew up a terrorisst at the Ontario Airport using my cell phone. Then, I caught the guys who assassinated David Palmer. But there was also sadness. My daughter informed me she never wants to see me again... " Mary Todd watches the Press Conference with Red Foreman. "That's my man," she says. "What a dumbass," Red Foreman mutters.

Bacardi and Kahlua have swapped their Jetta for a Toyota SUV. As they pull over to the side of the road, a quarter mile from the bank, Jack sees that Red Foreman is calling. He tells Jack about the executive order for his arrest, but otherwise does not advance the plot. Then, Jack escorts Deadmeat across the street, sees an Army patrol, and shoves him into the dirt. Less than a minute later, they are at the bank. Jack once again has his man purse. Perhaps that is where he keeps the device that allows him to fold space-time. Deadmeat puts in the code and gets them into the bank, and then writes the 12 digit code down for Jack so he can get into the vault. "Wait a minute," Mr. Bank says. "You're Shaft Palmer." "Damn right" Shaft answers. "They say you're a bad..." "Shut yo' mouth..." and so forth. Deadmeat figures if robbing a bank is good enough for David Palmer's brother, it's good enough for him.

Meanwhile, MTAB is coming around. Just in time to see iff Henderson shoot the two EMT's, who despite answering an emergency call to a motel in an iffy neighborhood were not wearing body armor. "Where's Bauer" Biff demands. "In Bavaria, near Heidelberg?" MTAB guesses. Little Girl screams. We are spared what happens next, but it's probably not good. Note to parents: This is why you should never teach your kids to use 911.

11:43:37 to 11:51:08

Mary Todd curls up to President Weasel. "You were magnificent today. I'm so impressed, I've completely forgotten that you tried to have me committed this morning and then tried to get me killed with the Russian president." Whoa. Can you say "codependent enabler." Cheese Louise, no wonder President Weasel is such a schmuck. Soon, they begin making out. No one wants to see that. Then, the phone starts ringing. "I gotta take this call." Its Biff Henderson. "We've got Bauer's location. My men and I are headed there now. Do you know where Heidelberg is?"

Meanwhile, HLS Dick reports that Audrey rains has been found again and dispatches her crack team to find her. Meanwhile, Anita Hill approaches Chloe. "Hey, someone has locked me out of satellite control. It would have to be someone who is completely knowledgeable of all CTU satellite control protocols who also survived the gas attack. Can you think of who it could be?" "Um... Edgar?" Chloe guesses. "He died in the gas attack," Anita Hill reminds her. "Oh, yeah... I'm going to the bathroom."

Meanwhile, Jack is exploring the vault. Mostly, it contains minutiea related to Jerry and Elaine that George was never supposed to tell anyone. Then, Jack pulls the recorder out of the safe deposit box. Jack plays the recording. "Biff, I am behind all the terrorist activity today," says President Weasel. "And I shot David Palmer," Biff says right back. "That's right, also, I'm wearing my wife's underwear," Weasel goes on. "And I like the smell of my own farts," Biff tells him. Weasel continues, "I just plain don't like black people," Jack switches off the recorder. "We've got him now."

Or, maybe not. As they are about to leave the bank, they notice that Biff Henderson's men have surrounded the bank. This gives Jack an idea. "Hey, imagine this Fight Club scenario. A bunch of Biff Henderson's para-military goons against the LA SWAT Team. Who would win?" "Would Ana Lucia be on the SWAT Team," Shaft asks. "Let's find out," Jack says. He has Bank President Deadmeat trip the silent alarm.

11:55:34 to 11:59:59

Chloe is back in the computer hallway, listening to really whack gangster lounge music, complete with a cool Peter Gunn style guitar riff. I like it. She scrambles the feed from the server. HLS Dick notices that Chloe is not at her desk.He encounters Chloe outside the Women's Room.

Meanwhile, at the bank, Jack is also Jammin' to the Peter Gunn crime scene music. He tells Deadmeat to get into the vault where he'll be safe. "No, Jack, with you covering me, what could go wrong?"

Biff Henderson's goon squad is about to light up on Jack, when a couple of cop cars pull up. Biff's bloodlust will not be denied. "We can't let them get Bauer. Take them out." The goons open up on the cops. The cops open up on the goons. Jack, Shaft, and Deadmeat open up on the goons. Then the Army shows up and opens up on everybody with a fifty cal. That takes out a lot of Biff Henderson's men.

Also Deadmeat.


But Jack gets away.

And he calls S4GF. "We've got the evidence. No doubt it's Weasel. We're going to take down the President... sometime in the next seven hours."


Anonymous said...

Evelyn's young daughter was rescued. And Homeland Security agents managed to post pictures of her to the internet with unbelievable speed

That is not right....but still funny as hell.

Jon-Michael said...

I am surprised HLS Dick didn't look into Chloe's "bathroom break" more than he did. Did he bother to check the toilet logs to see who used the toilet? This is CTU, everything within that building should have a user log! Maybe Chloe hacked the toilet to make it look as if she used it. If we're lucky, that will be in the deleted scenes when this season is released on DVD.

Anonymous said...

jm - I just want to know if Chloe stands to pee.

NDwalters said...

Was Evelyn's daughter last seen with Frau Blucher's DHS agents? Reported one of em had Milk Duds in his lap.....

Anonymous said...

Jack and Shaft are driving in their Volkswagen Jetta, listening to lame German techno. They spot an old chair someone has left out and put it in the car, but it smells foul, so they dump it off again. As they drive down the street, it begins to rain, and the action on the street seems to synch with the song they listen to on the radio.

Hahaha, great reference. I actually laughed out loud.

Dionne said...

Good job as always!! I hope Red gets to call Logan a dumbass sometime in the next 7 hrs. :-).