Carnival of Bauer

Blog Archive

Add to Google

24 Fanatic


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between Midnight and 1:00 am

12:00:00 to 12:11:46

Weaselman nervously paces in the Weaselcave, when the Weaselphone activates. It's Biff Henderson, calling to conveniently reiterate the plot points covered in the "previously on '24'" segment. In a nutshell, the Dept of Homeland Security is concentrating on finding Jack Bauer, but being the DHS, most of their effort is focused on strip-searching 80 year old grandmas and 2 year old girls because they don't want to be accused of profiling. After pulling up census data on the number of grandmas and toddlers in the Greater LA area, Frau Blucher is concerned that they'll never find Jack. Then, the HLS Dick got an idea. An awful idea. The HLS Dick had a wonderful, awful idea.

Meanwhile, Jack hands off Shaft to Chiggy. Chiggy breaks left (much as the show will do later on in the all about the oil plot twist)... he's at the 30... the 20 ... the 10...!

Meanwhile, SecDef Hellfeld arrives at the airport to meet his daughter S4GF just as a Police car comes screaming onto the scene. The scenario of Audrey's figutive boyfriend arriving in a police car is all-to-familiar to Hellfeld, who remembers when she ran with the O-town crips. Jack, S4GF and Hellfeld proceed into the hangar, where Jeff plays the audio from the tape he found of Weaselman confessing. "Does it feel good when I touch you there? It does, doesn't it? How about there?" "Sorry, wrong track," Jack says, then plays the actual confession. In response, Hellfeld throat chops him, steals his iPod, and leaves Jack and S4GF handcuffed together. (Which reminds S4GF of the weekend they spent in the Catskills, except Jack had a leather hood.)

Hellfeld doesn't think exposing Weaselman's perfidy is the right answer. "He assassinated David Palmer and he gave nerve gas to terrorists. I'm gong to reason with him and expect him to do what's best for the country."

12:15:56 to 12:25:52

Anita Hill, wearing a wire, a long silver wire, lies to Chloe. "Frau Blucher and HLS Dick found Audrey's location. She fell out of the bloomers of an 82 year old Jewish grandmother from Encino while they were strip-searching her. They've sent a tac team to her location... which they know... her location." Chloe falls for the trap and tries to warn S4GF. Frau Blucher and HLS Dick listen in, trace her call to the Van Nuys Airport, and have Chloe arrested by the paleblueshirts.

Frau Blucher calls Weaselman, "Jack Bauer has been found at the Van Nuys Airport." Weaselman calls Biff Henderson. "Jack Black has been found at the Van Nuys Airport." Frau Blucher calls Dick Cheney. "Jack Black has been found with a can of nice spare pork." Dick Cheney calls General Disarray. "Jack Black has round fat cans, and some nice spare pork." "What the hell are you talking about?" General Disarray asks him. At which point, Dick Cheney becomes confuse and asks Weaselman what's going on, but Weaselman just asks him to pray with him again, so Dick Cheney goes back to cleaning his hunting rifle.

12:30:04 -- 12:36:18

Chloe, in the holding pen, is confronted by HLS Dick. "This situation is more complicated then you realize." "So, why didn't you tell me?" "Because you're an idiot." "Well, you think the rules don't apply to you because you're smarter than we are, but they do, and you're not." HLS Dick then proceeds to eat a big red candle. (Okay, new nickname for HLS Dick is Brick Tamlin.) Brick Tamlin turns to leave and Chloe discreetly grabs him and pickpockets his CTU Shoppers Club Card. "Don't touch me," Brick Tamlin says, "Nothing gives you that right!" As soon as he is gone, Chloe uses the card to escape... the completely ineffective CTU security system is actually helpful for a change.

12:40:32 -- 12:48:13

Mary Todd snuggles up to Red Foreman. "I have to know, what are those dumbasses up to?" Red Foreman tells her, "Meet me by the stables in ten minutes. It'll be just you, me, and the moon. Wear a tie so I'll know which one is you." But when she gets there, all she finds is his cell phone lying on the ground. "The Rapture happened!"

Back in the Weaselcave, Hellfeld corners the Weasel. "Why'd you do it, Chuck?" Hellfeld asks. "For the oil," Weasel answers. "You better resign, your chair is not a throne." "Yes, if it were a throne, it would flush."

Meanwhile, Jack Bauer plots a daring escape. "I saw this on Prison Break," he says, and proceeds to use a steampipe to melt through his restraints. He then cuts S4GF loose and knocks out the guard with the door.

12:52:24 - 12:59:59

Jack Bauer sticks up the security dude and gets his recording back just as Biff Henderson shows up in a black helicopter and starts shooting up the place. Biff has brought a dozen guys armed with machine guns. Jack has just the pistol he lifted from the guard he knocked out. Within seconds, all of Biff Henderson's men are shot or incinerated.

But Biff has grabbed S4GF and cut her arm open. "Give me the recording or she bleeds to death," he snarls. Jack wusses out and gives him the recording. BH leaves in a hail of gunfire to find a car to steal, Jack Bauer stays behind to tourniquet Audrey's bleeding arm.

Meanwhile, Weasel is mere moments from signing his resignation when Biff Henderson calls. "I've got the recording." Weasel leaps over the desk and waves his palm in front of Hellfeld. "Faced!" He then demands Hellfeld's resignation and goes to catch the last half hour of Late Night with Conan O'Brien.


Anonymous said...

So does Henderson's goons have two black helicopters or did they fix the one Jack shot down?

NDwalters said...

I thought Bierko's guys were in the helicopter that was shot down? Remember Evil William Shatner, aka Nathanson who was killed and that led to Henderson?

Well, next week the helo gets to shoot at Secretary Heller, aka Thumbs of Death Guy. The only dude to take down Jack with one digit.

NDwalters said...

That stuff would never happen to Chuck Norris....

Dionne said...

Good stuff V the K!!

But I was disappointed in this episode. I didn't think what Heller did was consistent with his character from last season. Heller is not stupid and that was a stupid thing to do to reason with Weasal Logan.

Also, Joel Surnow swares they don't have political agendas in this show but the talk about oil again just about sent me over the edge. Ugh........

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I see Surnow becoming the next Michael Moore at this rate. Eh right? It's not like he's not given the right wing all of these case studies for how cool, useful and necessary torture can be talking points. Why would he have to go off on this fantasy laden plot idea of foreign policy being influenced by access to oil? I mean you would think there was a national security doctrine or something based on that principle. What do you guys want? Pretending that oil isn't an interest or that a show laden with political overtones might occassionally take a turn that makes you blush. You guys must have been furious that Surnow gives us a Democratic president who was tough on terrorism - and a black one at that. Wouldn't it have been better to have Palmer surrdender to the terrorists, the country is occupied and Bauer leads the counter insurgency?

Interesting plot line, a senile old terrorist in Afghanistan running military operations for the terrorists predicts that the jihadists will be welcomed as liberators (and they are in Kansas) and refers to Bauer as a "dead-ender."

You're right now that I think of it. Surnow is 5th column.

Heller's second biggest mistake was not scattering his assets. Send the plane back to DC and move Jack and Audrey from the airport. (His biggest mistake was irritating Jack). For a dumb move, it almost worked with an equally dumb villian. If Robocop doesn't call, he resigns. Robocop doesn't call if he Heller just realized that the airport might be hot.

RFTR said...

Tom, you're an idiot.

We don't dispute that oil is an important part of our foreign policy.

But by tying Logan's actions to oil, Surnow has created a direct link to the current left wing assertion that Iraq was strictly about oil. He also therefore implies that the same people who support the war in Iraq would be willing to give nerve gas to terrorists in order to secure more oil.

I'm pretty sure no one would do that, particularly not a POTUS.

Second, put down the race card. No one on this site has shown anything but love for President Palmer—regardless of political affiliation or skin color. We think it's a little silly to have created a Democrat who's tough on terrors, since we have yet to see one in real life, but we like the guy because of his rational approach to everything.

Furthermore, fuck you. You have just equated the United States military with Al Quaeda.

Furthermore, thanks. By doing so, you have explicitly shown why any candidate who has your support will never be elevated to the presidency. Thank God.

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot, thinskinned and a liar.

Wars for oil was a concept long before Iraq and will be long after. So any time anyone mentions oil driving foreign policy, it's a reference to our Iraqi situation? What's comical is how thin-skinned you are. I thought conservatives had balls.

I tend to agree that a POTUS would never do something like that. After Iran-Contra, I'm sure they'd expect to get caught.

Then again, you thought a tongue in cheek reference to a terror adminstration equates America and al qaida. Give me a break. Did I make a moral comparison? Of course not, would the be structural parallels? Undoubtedly. So mentioning a German field marshall and an American general as parallel ranks equates America to Nazi Germany. You're a moron.

Considering that Bush is the first President we've ever had to be "tough on terror," I hardly see the point in your comment. Bush only became "tough on terror" after a few planes were flown into big buildings. I suspect any President from this point on will be "tough on terror." Quite possibly not as caroonishly efficiently as this President has been, but they were nevertheless be "tough on terror."

Finally, you don't know shit about me so stop pretending like you do. I wanted to invade Iraq in 1988. I didn't see any of you pussies around. (Yes it is completely unthinkable that a US President would do anything as unthinkably Machiavellian as Logan as doing).

Your premise is based on a paranoid delusion. I'm from the Scoop Jackson/Sam Nunn wing of the party. I thought you Maries had a sense of humor. I concede, I did get that wrong. God you're pathetic.

Btw, did anyone else pick up on Logan demanding Heller's resignation, it was a direct reference to the retired Generals demanding Rumsfeld resign?

NDwalters said...

Tom, keep your posturing and leftie BS for the political blogs, this is a TV Show. FYI- no one hated Palmer, he was cool. Also, Keeler, though not longed for this world, was GOP and not some ineffective trouser snake (Logan)

Calling someone a liar, you better have some sources and cites, otherwise take a nice cup of shut the F up. And yes you did equate our fighting men and women. Our does not include you, you terrorist coddler.

Surnow isn't 5th Column, give me a break. Season 2, was an allegory to Iraq and handling Intel effectively. Season 3- border policy and lack of fighting bio war. Season 4- nuclear power plants, loose US Nukes, and sleep cell families in the US. It's different every time, get a damn grip.

Anonymous said...

"Surnow isn't 5th Column, give me a break. Season 2, was an allegory to Iraq and handling Intel effectively. Season 3- border policy and lack of fighting bio war. Season 4- nuclear power plants, loose US Nukes, and sleep cell families in the US. It's different every time, get a damn grip."

Take it up with chatterbox. She was the one who bitched about Surnow bringing up Iraq and RFTR agreed with her. Your fight is with them not me. I was just mocking them.

Furthermore I never equated our fighting men and women with Al Qaeda. You people need to stop the blood lies.

I knew bloggers could write. Apparently they can't read.

RFTR said...

Tom, why are you still here? It's obvious that you don't like 24. It's obvious that you don't like this site. It's obvious that you don't like the people who like 24 and this site.

So, I repeat, why are you spending time here?

Anonymous said...

Your conclusions are wrong enough to get you a job doing pre-war intelligence. I've missed one episode of 24. I've talked several friends into becoming die-hard viewers.

I don't have anything against the people here. I enjoy much of the humor on here. Sadly, you're a big crybaby when the sarcasm gets turned on things you happen to like.

Part of dishing it out is being able to take it. Like Warren Zevon said, "If you can't take the punches, it don't mean a thing."

So why don't you lighten up. I made a tongue in cheek post and you blew up and in the process you bored everyone on here.

I'm not going anywhere.