The Carnival of Tony's Not Dead

The Carnival of Bauer™!!! Week 3

Last week we had The Carnival of Edgar™ to mourn Edgar's passing. So this week it only makes sense that we'd have the Carnival of Tony, right?

Well, you haven't been reading enough Blogs4Bauer—shame on you. As I explained in a previous post, I'm in the middle of a full-blown power trip, and have no intention of admitting that Tony is dead until we see his lifeless body with no efforts to save him, or at the very least here Jack tell somebody else that Tony is dead. Remember, Tony may very well be dead—but it may only be clinical death, and he just needs a shot of something else to bring him back. Or maybe that was just a huge dose of heroin and his system is handling it just fine (as we all know it would). I'm just saying, he might not be dead for good.

But let's get on to The Carnival of Tony's Not Dead™!!!

First off is Doug at Below the Beltway, bringing us a tale of someone else who may very well be dead: Donald Trump, as a result of his choice to go head-to-head with Jack—never a good choice if you ask me. For some reason, Doug thinks he gets to submit twice, so he also sent us a post entitled "Say It Ain't So Tony." Well, I'm not Tony, but, here goes nothing: It ain't so!

And then there's Bibi at Pointless Banter, who shows us what it might take to get yourself killed by surly construction workers, in her effort to explain What Would Jack Do if he were living her life. I think that probably the first thing he tried wouldn't be calling his mom (or Chapelle, for that matter), but otherwise everything seems realistic.

And then there's FIAR at Radioactive Liberty, who presents his Interview with a Hobbit. I think he rides Samwise a little hard, but overall the interview seems fair and balanced.

Denis at Provoking the Muse gives us his episode summary and future predictions for next week. He seems to think that Jack might raise Tony from the dead—which means the rest of his predictions are bound to be true as well, so check it out.

Jivin J, at JivinJehoshaphat feels the need to air some grievances regarding the plotline surrounding Samwise's keycard. He hits most of the big points, but his analysis is a bit off, I think. For example, he asks if the terrorists came up with this spur-of-the-moment, how did they figure out about Lynn's junkie sister with such haste; if had been planning this for a while, how did they know to jump Lynn since he only transferred over to CTU that morning? Well, simple: there's a mole at division, who sent Lynn over in the first place!!

Yesterday, Wyatt gave us his review of 24:The Game. Well, here's an in-depth liveblog of the first hour of the game from Rob Carr, at UnSpace. If you don't play video games, or don't want to spend the money, this is the best way I can think of to find out what happens. Nicely done, Rob.

Jimmy K. at but that's just my opinion presents New Characters and Jack Facts, another installment his apparently weekly series.

Mr. Random at Lolzerama demands that Jack increase his violence next week. He also picks up and repeats some of the funniest moments from last week.

Jeff at Peace Like a River offers his look back at this week's episode. I hope you like irreverance.

Pantrygirl at Now What? complains—like a lot of our commenters have—that she's seen all the good people die. She's right that a lot of good people have died. But Tony's not dead yet, so there's no reason to worry!

Jwookie at Cake or Death does his weekly thing, and points out that the terrorists made Jack cry. I'm still not sure why that happened, since Tony's not dead. Maybe it's the stress of having his really hot daughter point out that when she's around him "people die." Man, talk about a God complex—does she really think she's the one determining whether or not people are dead? Doesn't she know that's my job? He also claims that someone got caught in LA traffic—but I find that pretty hard to believe on this show.

Karen of Scottsdale over at The View From My Chair (whose entry was over 12 hours late, so she owes me one for including her), also picks up on the fact that Jack Bauer Cried. I'm still not sure why that happened, though—maybe he's just upset that Robocop got away, or he still hasn't dealt with the fact that Edgar's been dead for an hour. I can't think of any other reason why he'd cry.

And last, but certainly not least, we have Emperor Misha I's Is that gas I smell? over at Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. My favorite line is the Homeland Security woman's response when the VP asks her how to handle the fact that CTU has been compromised:

I suggest that we move in, drag out the dead bodies and turn me into Fuhrer For Life of the CTU, thus making sure that the show’s ratings won’t suffer from the absence of a bureaucratic fool with ulterior motives who can screw up everything on a regular basis.

Amazing how, moments after the previous bureaucratic fool dies in a rainstorm of putrid pink puke, a new one arrives on the scene. Read the whole thing, I guarantee that you'll laugh at least twice.

And that's it for The Carnival of Tony's Not Dead™, Bauers and Bauerettes. Make sure you read what everyone has to say, and if you enjoy any of it, give us a link. We provide the Carnival of Bauer™ each week as a public service, but we need your help spreading the word that it's here. Feel free to use this image:

Or, feel free to include a link to our submission button:

Previous Carnivals:
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer™
The Carnival of Bauer — Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar™

B4B (Girl) Fight Club: Martha -vs- Rousseau. Who Wins?

Martha Logan: '24'
Age: mid-forties
Nationality: American
Occupation: First Lady
Death Count: I'll give her credit for four assists when Red Foreman capped the Russian Terrorists
Strengths: Independent, Strong-willed, and all that other Designing Women crap, also very committed... to an asylum in Vermont
Weaknesses: Even if she knows a car is about to get whacked by terrorists, she gets in anyway, puts up with a lot of crap from her weasel-husband
Curious Detail: Crazy and Unstable

Danielle Rousseau: 'Lost'
Age: mid-forties
Nationality: French
Occupation: Scientist
Death Count: Unknown
Strengths: Could do a lot of damage with her external Minbari bone-skull
Weaknesses: She's French
Curious Detail: Crazy and Unstable

Edgar's Last Minute

Edgar's Last Minute

Fox's 24 site has a bit on "Death by Nerve Gas" following the gassing of 40% of CTU. In the segment, they list the various symptoms of nerve gas poisoning - starting with blurred vision and ending with suffocation.
It doesn't explain why Edgar is holding one of his man-boobs as he went down.


On a lighter note, make sure to get your submissions in for the third installment of The Carnival of Bauer!!!.

Review - 24: The Game
Yes, I know the game was just released, but I convinced myself that its purchase could be a write-off. "They just write it off." - Cosmo Kramer. And, being the 24 shill that I am, I ran out to the nearest retailer . . . for you. Besides, my weekly earnings from SYLG provide with more money than mere mortals can imagine. But I digress.

My version is for the PS2 . . . since I own a PS2. Isn't logic neat? I took 24:The Game for a test run last night, and played through the first level. (In the game, levels are broken into hours, complete with the official 24 digital clock. Keen!) My first reaction was "Kickass!" Most of the actors lent their vocal talents to the game, including Kiefer Sutherland, Dennis Haysbert, and Mary-Lynn Rajskub. Yes, Chloe!!! Even Elisha Cuthbert is involved; hopefully her voice acting is much better than her live acting. Ugh.

The story begins at the L.A. docks, where Jack and a CTU assault team are searching a ship chock full of guns and ricin. Mmm . . . ricin; the San Francisco Treat! The graphics are more than adequate, and the controls flow easily enough. Targeting was especially easy in the first go-round, which is terrific, since there was a lot of bloodshed in my first game.

And therein lies the fun: bloodshed. (If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get de-sensitized to it!) Weapons are bountiful in 24: The Game, and you can be as ruthless or gentle (read: liberal) as you like with them. At least twice, I accidentally shot a man I just handcuffed. Oops, my bad!

Overall, after only one level - I wanted to get the cursory review out post haste - 24:The Game has almost everything a gamer/fan of the show could want. My only complaint was with the character bios: they say that David Palmer was a Democrat! Damn.

Counterpoint: Nah, you're not. - by Death
I know what you're thinking: since I so rarely make public appearances, this must be when I step in and pardon you. You want me to tell you, "It's not your time." Well, my red-shirted CTU security guard, you are absolutely right.

BAWAHAHAHAHA! I'm yankin' ya. Man, that never gets old!

Much like Martin Blank, if I show up at your door, chances are you did something to bring me there. In your case, you probably went to a school like Penn State and took this lame entry-level position, in hopes of moving up the corporate ladder. Unfortunately for you, the only thing moving up right now is your liquefied spleen.

Yeah, I know, you're gonna try and bargain for your life, and that's swell. The fact remains that CTU has Star Trek Disease: every red shirt usually becomes a corpse. That you know this now provides little comfort, but the signs were all there. Did you ever question why the security guards have such a high turnover rate? Did you ever ask why there were so many "day old" uniforms in the locker room? Did you ever wonder why people cried when you asked them about the guy you've replaced? The key to any good job interview is asking the right questions, buddy!

What? Um, yes, that would be your skin blistering. Boy, does that look painful.

And now you're on the fast train to the afterlife. Was clearing less than $400 a week worth it?

Point: I'm going to make it!

Point: I'm going to make it!

Point: I'm going to make it!

Being a Red Shirted security guard at CTU really has it's good and bad times. The other day some other guard was trying to stir things up by urging us to unionize and improve the training manual. While he was ranting about our poor training, Randy snuck up and put a few squirts of Visine in his drink. He went from being a disgruntled employee to a disgruntled employee with a serious case of the squirts in no time flat. That was a good day.

Well today I find myself locked in a secure containment room in the east wing of CTU with this little prick McGill, while deadly nerve gas has taken out almost everyone else. He's like "this is all my fault" and I was like "you're a douche bag and look like the asthmatic kid from The Goonies". Somehow a terrorist snuck by our crack security team and released nerve gas in the AC unit. Then Jack Bauer announced that he wants to sacrifice us in order to save his butt. Before we allowed nerve gas to permeate a perfectly secure room, I got to call my kids and let them know that daddy will now be a hero and might not get to see them grow up. Daddy would be watching from heaven.

So I just sat there holding my breath, waiting for Wheezy to come back from his little mission for Bauer. When McGill got back, Jack Bauer told us how great we are...and then it happened. I'm not David Blaine, so after like 10 minutes of holding my breath, I had reached my limit. GASP, I took a breath but I did not end up in a fetal position with a load of crap in my pants and a mouthful of vomit.

I AM GOING TO LIVE! I will end up seeing my daughter go to prom and get married. My unborn son will be a star quarterback football for his high school team and then go to college and play for UCLA. I will get home in time to eat dinner and see the season premier of Prison Break! Tomorrow I will play catch with my dog and mow the yard. We have to pay bills and visit with my mother-in-law, but I plan on taking my wife out to Applebee's for some riblettes this weekend. I love life!

Counterpoint: Nah, you're not. - by Death






Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

"AS THE FATES RULE THE AFFAIRS OF MEN"

An insufferably long, extraordinarily boring summary written by yours truly can be found here. A sample:

Back at CTU, Barry is making no progress with Chloe who is still a basket case. In a move sure to endear him to Porn Star Kimmy, Jack informs the shrink that THERE'S NO TIME for the rather clinical way the Clinical Psychologist is working with Chloe. To prove his point, he applies the Jack Bauer Death Grip to Barry's throat which seems to wake Chloe out of her stupor.

While difficult to ascertain, I believe I saw Kim's eyebrow twitch when Jack was choking her lover which means that Ms. Cuthbert has added a third facial expression to her acting repertoire, the other two being a come hither smile and her famous teenage pout face that she used to such great effect when trying to get Chase to quit CTU in season 3.

B4B Kill Counter Updated

I'm not sure how you say it in Swedish, but Tony finally overdosed. Seeing Tony inject that much junk into his system reminded me of "early Season 4 Tony". In fact, Tony wasn't dead - he was just really, really high. Unfortunately for Tony, Jack Bauer cries acid and his tears finished Tony off.

In other news, John McCain got out of CTU alive only to end up getting killed in a GOP Straw Poll.

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter went up 3 bodies this week. Next week we'll have final body count from the CTU attack. It sounds like the final number will push the Kill Counter into triple digits. Yeah!

RFTR adds: The Man and I happen to disagree on this point - I don't think Tony is actually dead. He's had enough drugs in his system before that kicking whatever he got injected with shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Plus, we didn't get the quiet beeps at the end like we should have if a major character had actually died.

As such, since I'm the web guru around here, while Tony is being counted in the offical Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter™, he will not appear in the banner at the top of this page with a full x until his death is confirmed.

Truffle Shuffle, on the other hand, is up there in full-force. Samwise will not appear, as I thought his character was stupid from the beginning. And stay tuned for a new indicator that will appear on Kim. (Who'd have thought that being a webmaster at Blogs4Bauer could feed your god-complex so steadily?)

The Man adds: Fox's 24 site has a poll asking if Tony's Death was as hard on you as it was on Jack. Fox's 24 site also has Tony's role ending as "Tony dies in Jack's arms." Fox's 24 site ends the recap of the episode with "...Jack clutches Tony's head. Tony dies, and Jack cries with him still in his arms." Tony's profile on Fox's 24 now has the trademark DECEASED logo. It doesn't help that Tony put the only doctor left at CTU in a sleeper hold that he has yet to come out of. Silent clock or no silent clock, full X or half X - Tony's dead.

Is Tony Almeida Dead? Yes No

RFTR adds: Your facts don't scare me. You can throw all the evidence at me that you want, but until we have confirmation on the show that Tony is dead, the writers have the option of changing that fact. Hell, we even saw Jack die once when he was on the wrong side of some torture, and he came back.

And so Tony will not be fully X-ed out until we have said confirmation. Apparently it didn't take the first time, so I'll remind you now:


The Man mocks: Denny Crane. Name's on the door.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 7:00 pm and 8:00 pm

7:00:00 to 7:12:49

So, when we left off last week, the entire surviving CTU crew was exactly where Mumia al Jamal should be... in a gas chamber with less than an hour to live. Early on in the show, we get a lovely shot of Edgar oozing drool... when I am old, and senile, and barely able to remember the sequence underwear first then pants, the image of Edgar dying on the floor of CTU will be seared, seared into my memory. And that is a fitting opening for an episode so maudlin it makes the Smashing Pumpkins sound like the Jackson Five.

A helpful PA announcement brings us up to speed, explaining that all of CTU has been gassed with Tex-Mex except the special zones reserved for major characters. Chiggy is on the phone with Token, who is coming back with a chemical response team, but they are thirty minutes away. Chloe is out-freaked, but Jack needs her back at work. Fortunately, Cougar Bait's cradle-robbing boyfriend, Tom Green, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist... he can fix anything!. He sits Chloe down. "Chloe, my name is Dr. Green. Tell me about your childhood..."

Meanwhile, Sam PHB Gamgee is confessing to a redshirt that all of this is his fault for losing his CTU Club Card. "So, we're all going to die because you were embarrassed," he says. "Yeah, basically," Sam answers.

Then, Tony gets up out of bed to look for a mirror to check his face again. Dr.... let's see, has a beard... we'll call him Dr. Fuzzy. Then, Tony, for some reason takes out Dr. Fuzzy, goes into the next room and grabs a gun. He wants to kill Biff Henderson in revenge for him killing Michelle and messing up his ridiculously good-looking face. . In the situation room, S4GF manages to get a video feed. Jack tries to talk him down. "Tony, Biff Henderson has info that could save thousands and thousands of lives. Let him live long enough to torture him. Then, you can kill him." Mel Gibson goes back to working on Biff Henderson, pulling out a scourge and muttering in Aramaic.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Frau Blucher informs President Weasel that the CTU has suffered 40% casualties in a clip Fox has played approximately 800,000 times since last week. Frau Blucher says she can take over CTU and run things once the place is decontaminated and the bodies are stuffed into the dumpsters. Meanwhile, Vice President Commander Murphy is still pushing Martian Law. "Think about, as Emperor of Mars, you'll have the power to marry anyone you want." "Adrienne Barbeau," Weasel asks. "You betcha," Murphy assures him.

Meanwhile, Comrade HATO is pulling up a satellite photo of a huge, vaguely rectangular, and completely unidentifiable building. Pleased with their success at turning CTU into a roach motel, he orders the other terrorists to take all the remaining Tex-Mex to the next target.

7:17:13 to 7:24:07

Jack is pacing the situation room like a trapped cougar, which is making Kim especially nervous. Also, the cougar. Tom Green is still working on Chloe. "Good, now tell us about the time you found your uncle in mother's wedding dress...." "Is she cured yet?" Jack wants to know. "I need her scowling at the screen." Tom Green tells her they are just beginning to make progress and even though they're out of time for this week, they can schedule another appointment with his receptionist. Then, the warning alarms go off and indicate something beyond the ability of human technology to detect in real-time... that the seal is decaying at the molecular level. (While folding space-time to cross Los Angeles, Jack must have gotten hold of some Asgard Technology.) They'll be dead before the Chemical Response Teams get there, and Chloe's so upset she can't even play a decent game of Free Cell, let alone access building systems.

Back at the presidential retreat, Mary Todd and Dick Cheney discuss how Murphy is driving the president toward Martian Law. "We've got to stop him," Mary Todd says. Knowing that it begins with Martian Law and ends with humanoid robots and chainsaw hands. "You know what a weak, spineless pussy your weaselly husband is. He's Murphy's bitch, and he knows it," Cheney tells him. "You have to stop him. Use your secret First Lady powers." Mary Todd Grimly decides to try again.

Jack stares out the window at the ventilation system. Los Angeles building codes require all buildings to have ventilation systems large and sturdy enough for a person to crawl through. Chloe soon figures out how to handle the gas, using the air conditioning, but it will require assistance from Jack. Jack will need to disable some kind of computer for some reason to get the air conditioning system to flush the gas. Fortunately, in his eighteen months off, Jack became a licensed HVAC technician. And he can hold his breath a really, really long time.


7:28:33 to 7:34:44

Jack makes his way through the CTU crawlspace, past the bodies of partially chewed teenaged hitchhikers Edgar has collected over the years. After checking in with Chloe, Jack pauses at the edge of the contamination zone, take a deep breath, and slices through the drywall to get to the computer that controls the ventilation. He sees a computer on the inside

Meanwhile, nervous about Jack's safety, Chloe and Cougar Bait have a catty little flare up. Tom Green tells them they need to calm down and just breathe. So, Chloe turns her claws on him, "What's with you and the breathing is that your solution to everything?" Tom Green shuts the hell up, because, as a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, breathing actually is his solution to everything. And since their immediate problem is poisonous nerve gas, this might not be a good time to try out that when the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail cliché.

Jack checks in, earlier than expected. Tom Green wants to know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. "Could be a good thing could be a bad thing, that's what I don't know means," I'd say Chloe is fully back to normal. Jack tells her he couldn't do that thing she needed him to do because of some computer that locked him out. Chloe checks into it and finds out it was a security upgrade. "Somebody... (meaning Edgar) ... didn't file it properly. That's why I didn't know." She quickly checks the situation and discovers the only way they can survive is to kill Sam Gamgee.

Jack calls Sam Gamgee. "Hey, Sam, how'd you like to see your sister again."

"Sure, Mr. Frodo. What's the catch?" Jack tells him. He has to sacrifice himself to save the rest of CTU. Sam is okay with this. Redshirt Riley... not so much.

Then they cut to that creepy M. Night Shamalamadingdong AmEx commercial.


7:39:13 to 7: 46:54


Back at CTU, the major characters wait in the Situation Room to see if Sam Gamgee will succeed. Cougar Bait apologizes to Chloe, and asks if she ever had contact with Jack while he was pretending to be dead. "Yes, once a month, I supplied detailed reports... your break-up with Chase, your depression, the results of your pap smear." This makes Kim feel queasily better.

Meanwhile, Redshirt Riley is saying his goodbyes to his little girl. If it helps you to cope better, just imagine that the daughter was a little demon-spawn who tortured neighborhood animals and that with the death of her father, she'll be institutionalized and isolated from society. As Redshirt Riley and Sam take their final breath of sweet, sweet air, Chloe, in a classic understatement, says, "Thanks for doing this."

Sam runs to the computer room and exits the program that was preventing Chloe from venting the gas. Chloe is able to get the system working and miraculously the gas stops corroding the seals as well. Sam Gamgee gets back to the room in time to hear his atta-boy from Jack. "Lyn, I don't know if you can hear me, but I want you to know what you did was successful. The seals are holding. I will personally contact your families and let them know of the sacrifices that you made." Then, Redshirt Riley can't hold his breath anymore and momentarily thinks he's going to live. Nope. He and Sam Gamgee die twitching like roaches and puking like Ozzy Osbourne.

Meanwhile, back in Medical, Tony is displeased with the lack of progress on Biff Henderson and tells Mel Gibson he's wasting his time. Jack is about to give up on torturing Biff and tells Chloe to keep working on Biff's files. Then, Jack tells Cougar Bait to get herself checked at medical as soon as the gas clears. Cougar Bait tells him to forget about it. "There's nothing left to say except I don't want to be around you." She explains that she hates being around Jack because whenever she's around him, people start dying. "It's like having Bill and Hillary Clinton for a father... mostly Hillary." Then, she goes back to Tom Green.

S4GF tries to comfort Jack. "You OK." "No." "Wanna torture somebody?" "Maybe later."


7:51:24 to 7:59:59

The plans for Martian Law seem to be coming along well, but they're stuck on what to call them. "Emergency Peacekeeping Force," President Weasel says, trying it on for size. "Couldn't we just call it, 'The Feelgood Happytime Cuddlebugs?' It will make the civilian population feel better when they get shot for looting, and the strong begin striking down the weak to feast on their warm, sweet, brains..." Mary Todd tries to talk him out of it. "Look, if you declare Martial Law, I'll still support you... but I'll be real pouty for like three weeks." Ah, now Weasel remembers why she married him.

The terrorists are in the position awaiting final command. So, Comrade HATO calls Dial-a-Whore. "Have you got it yet?" "I told you I would call you as soon as I had everything. We're still waiting on the studded black manhandler." "No, I meant the data..." "Oh, those detailed spec thingies... you'll get them." Then, she goes back to bed with a slackery, unshaven stud.

You know, considering that hitting an American target was Plan B, the terrorists were able to put together a pretty major back-up plan up in a hurry ---- major target, connected hooker with specs all lined up, a plan to bust into and gas CTU. Makes me think they aren't just winging it because they couldn't get the nerve gas to Russia.

Then. Frau Blucher calls Chiggy and asks how many fresh expendables she'll need to run CTU. Answer, about fifty. She consults with a shadowy man with a clipped accent, who seems to relish the thought of pushing Chiggy aside. Frau Blucher reassures him, "Chiggy won't be in charge when I get there. I will be. CTU is just a building." Oh, Fabulous, FEMA is taking over. Maybe they can call in Ray Nagin to do a consult.

Cougar Bait says her good-byes to Jack and then Tom Green thanks Jack for saving his life and then, in true MTV fashion, licks up Edgar's drool.

Then Jack and Tony are on the phone. Tony tells Jack that Biff Henderson is in a coma and he's gonna go Michael Schaivo on his comatose ass. Jack tries to talk him out of it, but Tony hangs up. He takes out a big needle and prepares to plunge it into Biff. But then Biff comes around, stabs Tony with the needle, grabs a gun, and takes off. Jack comes in and finds Tony on the floor. Jack holds Tony and screams for help. Then Tony dies, which is good, because up until that point, I couldn't imagine how this episode could possibly be any more depressing.

You all have no frakkin' idea how hard it was to find the humor in this episode. I feel dirty.

Live Blogging 7-8 P.M.

Live Blogging 7-8 P.M.

Tonight's live blogging is brought to you by Tyler D, Dr. Pepper, and some cold pop-tarts.

I must warn everyone there is "severe" weather in my area tonight. So if I disappear for a minute the internet, cable, or power probably went out. And the weather men may prove an annoyance. With there reminders that I need to be indoors because rain is... wet.

Also, get your submissions in for The Carnival of Bauer.

(I'll use Jack Bauer time instead of my time zone.)

Pre-24 Update: Prison break isn't a bad show. Maybe I needed to see it from the beginning. Although how many shows other than 24, X-Files, and American Idol survived their first season on Fox?

7:00 - Waiting. Starting. YAY!

7:02 - Like they wouldn't know that the building is contaminated.

7:03 - I think truffle-shuffle has some icing on his lip.

7:05 - What is with all the "It was my fault!" "I am sooo bad!" "WHAAA!" Get back to the killing people.

7:07 - Tony is choking the wrong person. Tony, hello!! Wrong guy.

7:09 - Come on Tony. Do it! Do it! Torture the guy more. YAY!

7:10 - 40% So that is 15 people? 14 of whom being red shirts.

7:17 - Only person qualified? Only one stll alive maybe.

7:18 - Squeeze Jack. Break him in half.
CTU isn't prepared for an attack AND they have sub-par equipment.

7:22 - Kim, shut up. WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW!?!?!? Send Audrey PLEASE!
20 minutes?? They had 15 minutes, 10 minutes ago?
Is that fastionable hoodie going to protect Jack from that awful nerve gas?

7:29 - Is that fashionable hoodie going to protect Jack from that awful nerve gas?

7:31 - CAT FIGHT!! WHOOOOOO!

7:32 - HAHA! Lynn is going to... DIE! (so is a red shirt!) The Poll was on target.
Why am I so happy about death? Something is wrong with me.

7:38 - "Thanks?!" That is all he gets? WTF?

7:39 - Grim was right on the money. Why didn't the red shirt and Lynn break for the front door?
That was what? 20 feet?

7:43 - Jack has killed 15 people today and he cries when his stripper daughter says something hurtful? Well, anytime ANYONE is around Jack someone dies.

7:49 - He is crying. Pres. Logan is crying. He needs his bottle and a nappy poo.

7:52 - She is using Google Earth. I use Google Earth. Does that make me some sort of super spy??
35+20=55 dead? 53 were red shirts.

7:55 - Tony really needs to stop hitting people on his side. And Tony smokes Henderson.
Nope. Tony's dead. Robocop was only up against a half-alive man.

7:57 - Jack cries for the second time this HOUR.


Death Count - 56
54-Red Shirts
1- Tony
1-Lynn

WHAT YOU WON'T SEE ON TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF 24

You won't see Edgar Stiles.

You won't see Kim's navel.

You won't see Jack kick any dogs.

You won't see Tony play "slap and tickle" with any nurses in the CTU clinic.

You won't see Bill Buchanan loosen his tie.

You won't see Audrey's nose get any shorter.

You won't see Edgar Stiles (said that already)

You won't see Chloe getting annoyed with Edgar. (He's dead)

Samwise is toast

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count

According to a poll on hosted on this website, almost 40% think Samwise (aka Lyn MacGill) will be dead by the end of the next episode. Since St. Patrick's Day is coming up, it's fitting that the only openly Irish character will be eating Corned Beef and P-o-t-a-t-o-s with Edgar Stiles on Friday.

This creates the next great storyline for the writers of 24. Who'll dress up like a Leprechaun for CTU's St. Patrick's Day office party with Samwise gone? Curtis?

Submit your guess for the final body count for tonight. Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter.

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess - 4)
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob - 5
Episode 8 - 14 Bodies
Deathlok - 13
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR - 7
Episode 10 - 8 Bodies
The Man - 8
Episodes 11, 12 - 14 Bodies
JWookie - 13
fmragtops - 15

We are huge in Sweden

Blogs4Bauer: We're Huge in Sweden
We have our first international B4B Blogring member, Filip (aka - Korona). To better serve the International House of Jack Bauer, he has translated some of our banners into Swedish. With his translations, I have revised two of our more popular banners and made one exclusively for the Swedes.

If there are other foreign (and we don't mean New Jersey) B4B fans, let us know.
We're talking to you Moldavia!

She's Gonna Limp Caption Contest

(h/t to Kitty for the image correction)

She's Gonna Limp Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Photoshop Entries
- Yoon Sohn

Smoochy May Be The Next To Die

Smoochy May Be The Next To Die

IMDB shows that from the hours of 8-9pm "John Bauer" will appear on 24, played by Death to Smoochy star, Edward Norton (keep reading for information on his upcoming B4B Fight Club match up).

Before you set your TIVOs to "stun", the NY Post reports that it's just not true. Someone put a false entry into IMDB. This would not be the first time someone messed with our emotions on IMDB. Where do you think we got our weekly "Kim is back" information? Cue the Blogs4Bauer Fight Club music, Samuel L. Jackson is listed as a upcoming guest on Lost (also false).

So who else will NOT be seen on 24 this season (according to Blogs4Bauer):
-Star of the upcoming movie ATL - BIG BOI (pronounced "Big Boy")
-Dubai
-John Edwards
-a menacing cougar stalking Kim
-Edgar and Behrooz's mother
-Chase Edmunds' right arm
-Flavor Flav
-The dorky kid on American Idol
-President Logan's spine

Got others you do not want to see on 24? Post them in the comments.

EDGAR'S FUNERAL SHOULD BE A HUMDINGER

EDGAR'S FUNERAL SHOULD BE A HUMDINGER

I have it on good authority that Edgar's family is planning a funeral that is sure to be remembered by fans for a long time.

The details are a little sketchy but from what I can gather, it will be a modest affair filled with emotional rememberances and quiet reflection...

Or not. This is the description of the last funeral done by the same funeral director:

It was a helluva fun'ral, It was a helluva fun'ral
The finest fun'ral ever booked:
I had some high school juniors who passed around petunias
And lilies everywhere you looked.
It was a helluva fun'ral, I say one helluva fun'ral
Oh, how I wish that you were there;
I had ten drum majorettes doubling on the castanets
It really was a lively affair.

It was a helluva fun'ral, It was a helluva fun'ral
The national guard showed up for me;
And during the oration, they went into formation
And formed the letters R. I. P.
It was a helluva fun'ral, I say one helluva fun'ral
I gave it all my loving care;
The band was on its toes playing "Mexicali Rose",
It really was a lively affair.

A tisket a tasket, Tell us about the casket...

Well, I'll tell you 'bout the casket, my good friends
It would-a made your poor eyes pop
It was sterling silver all around and a real formica top.

Well, I'll tell you 'bout Chloe my good friends,
She was dressed in navy blue
With a gown designed by Balenciaga, I supplied that too.

I held the first funereal raffle, though I don't much like to boast
And I gave away a Chevrolet to the person who cried the most.
(I won it myself!)

There were eighteen jugglers by the grave to demonstrate their art
And when they were done, I fired a gun to let the hoot-e-nanny start.

I was serving beer and pretzels, 'til the hot pastrami came;
And I sold some souvenier hankies with the dear departed's name.

Like I said. Just a nice, quiet little gathering...

("A Dyin' Business")

Somebody's Gonna Die

Somebody's Gonna Die.

The "Next Week on '24'" Previews told us that "one of these character is going to die" and quickly flashed a montage:

Who's going to die between the hours of 7:00 and 8:00? Tony Almeida Jack Bauer Kim Bauer Bill Buchanan Tom Green Lyn MacGill Chloe O'Brian Audrey Raines Other

OK, So Who Buys It? Who's going to join Edgar in that Deluxe Apartment in the sky?

Carnival of Edgar!!!

This week's Carnival of Bauer™!!! is dedicated to Edgar Stiles, who was fat. In memory of Truffle Shuffle, Blogs4Bauer hereby renames this week's CoB™!!! to The Carnival of Edgar™!!!

The Carnival of Bauer™!!! will return in Jack's name next week, unless Kim is killed off by the nerve gas or a cougar hell-bent on revenge (whichever gets her first). In the case of Kim's hot death, we will have a Carnival of Kim™!!! If Barry dies, we will do a happy dance and there will be no need to rename The Carnival of Bauer™!!!

Make sure you pay your last respects to Truffle Shuffle at our Online Wake for Edgar Stiles.

Our first entry of the week comes from Steve at ThoughtsOnline. His 24isms post includes a claim that Edgar's system is fatter than IBMs fattest supercomputer. Duh.

Behold...The Five Stages of Grief over the death of Edgar Stiles.

Emperor Misha I posts the longest recap of 24...ever. Here are a couple snippets from the post "becomes clear that" and "awkward conversation mainly". Misha not like Edgar.

Jeff from Peace Like a River posts recaps of hours 4-5 and 5-7. He hints at a romantic link between Audrey and Edgar. That's just gross, Edgar can...uhh could have done much better.

Radioactive Liberty has another recap of the double-showing of 24, along with Edgar's demise with a mouthful of ho-hos.

When you attack CTU, you are only going to make Jack Bauer mad. But make sure you watch your step, there are dead bodies (some rather large) everywhere.

Jack Bauer is God? I guess Edgar will need all the connections he can get.

Ever what would happen if Jack Bauer wondered onto Wisteria Lane? David at Random Nuclear Strikes thinks Eva Longoria could take Jack. This is, if Edgar hadn't notified Jack of the threat beforehand by monitoring Eva's cell phone and peeking in her windows.

Helskel over at The Rubber Wall posts some hot shots of Kim. Edgar was not hot.

Pantrygirl is obsessed with 24 and posts her thoughts on Edgar's passing among other things. She really needs help with that 24 habit.

Speaking of obsession, this chick is way into the violent side of 24. She mourns Edgar and "nose" that Audrey is next.

Karen has learned a few things while watching 24. Not drinking Edgar's blood because it looks and tastes like maple syrup, is not one of them.

What is it with all these chicks watching 24? This one hates Kim (blasphemy) and hopes Cola will save Truffle Shuffle. Even with Team Bacardi & Cola, Truffle is toast.

Dennis is Provoking the Muse. In his spare time, he predicts what is next for 24, including a wish that Chloe goes nuts to avenge Edgar's death.

Rick at Right Wing Nuthouse has a great rundown of the show, with a list of Constitutional Rights Violated (killing off the fat guy is not one of them).

The security problems at CTU could be solved by one person (not Edgar). That person, Lawhawk has the solution - outsourcing to Initech.

Do you know what will happen next on 24? Jimmyk posts the future of 24, which Edgar is not a part of.

Timmay notes that everyone freakin dies on 24, even Edgar. He's also going to post a video titled "24 Minutes", which will be like "60 minutes", minus the bullshit.

What better way to end this montage o'Edgar than with a song about Truffle Shuffle? Natalie at Mini-Obs presents Uncle Edgar.

That's it for the 2nd installment of Carnival of Bauer™!!!, which was renamed The Carnival of Edgar™!!! for this week.

In all seriousness, we all are guilty for making cruel fat jokes about Edgar, butt there is an obesity problem in this country and fat people have no role models on the television. Edgar, the kid from 2 and a Half Men, and Andy Milonakis are all these lardasses have to look up to. God bless you Edgar, I hope you have a nice time in CTU Heaven, Kim will be there shortly (if she can find it).

We'll be back next week, so keep the submissions coming.



Previous Carnivals
Announcing The Carnival of Bauer™!!!
The Carnival of Bauer™!!! - Week 1

Counterpoint: My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU! - by the ghost of Stephen Saunders

As a former colleague of Jack Bauer - former meaning deceased - I can sympathize with the nameless, faceless CTU security guard. I mean, who in their right mind would think that the COUNTER-TERRORIST UNIT would be susceptible to covert (and overt) attacks? Not me, nor my rotting corpse, that's for sure.

And that mental defective who decided to give you fake guns? He deserves a fate worse than my untimely death. Here's a reality check, sir: the guns aren't rubber and wobbly; your limp-wristed liberal arms are!

Frankly, my teenage daughter alone could do a better job than you hacks. Hell, even one Philadelphia Police Detective could have at least stopped half of these incidents. Well, maybe "half" is giving too much credit, but I digress.

Let's take a look at the track record of CTU's security guards.

• CTU has been infiltrated at least once every year.
• While CTU "security" was scratching their collective asses, terrorists compromised top secret files, bombed the building, and released deadly nerve gas.
• The following were murdered on site at CTU L.A. on your watch: Teri Bauer, Nina Myers, Paula Schaeffer, Edgar Stiles, countless other terrorists, "people of interest," and CTU employees.

Oh, and let's not mention MYSELF!!! Good move, guys; have Rafael's widow collect his personal effects . . . and his semi-automatic pistol!!! The next thing I knew, I was here in the afterlife. Although I also heard Jack Bauer bought it last year, but I still haven't seen him around. Interesting.

Point: CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens

Don't Forget The Carnival of Bauer™!!!

Today is your last opportunity to submit an entry for the second edition of the Carnival of Bauer™!!! All entries must be in by midnight tonight! That's only 7 hours and 6 minutes away!!!

A reminder of the requirements:

• Posts must be 24-related;
  
• Posts must be more than just a summary of a particular episode (commentary, analysis, humorous summary, etc. is acceptable); and,
  
• Posts must satisfy our high standards (they can't suck)

So if you've got a post that you want included in this week's edition of The Carnival of Bauer™, then send:

• The title of the post;
  
• A permalink to the post;
  
• Your name (blog pseudonyms are acceptable);
  
• Your email address; and
  
• A brief summary of the content of the post (don't make it more than a couple of sentences or I'll ban you from the Carnival of Bauer™ forever).

to Blogs4Bauer@gmail.com with the subject line "Carnival of Bauer" and you will be included.

You can also use the button below to submit.

So if you've posted, don't forget: everyone must submit to The Carnival of Bauer™!!! Jack's orders!

And don't forget to check back here tomorrow for the Carnival.

Point: CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens

**Each week, Blogs4Bauer has a debate around various aspects of the show 24. One side gives a point and the other side gives a rebuttal. The inspiration came from The Onion's point/counterpoint series. The opinions expressed are that of the staff here at B4B and if you disagree, suck it. **

Point: CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens

I'm just a security guard here at CTU, not a mind reader. How was I supposed to know that Samwise had his keycard stolen by his sister and John McCain? There is no way I would have known that later, a terrorist killed Samwise's sister and John McCain, reprogrammed the stolen keycard, and was carrying a canister of nerve gas? CTU really needs to institute a training program for us Red Shirts before something bad happens.

Seriously, they don't train us for situations like this. You should see the CTU Security Guard Training Manual. You can find more helpful information on a can of Diet Coke than in the crappy training manual. Plus, they hire just about anyone they can find to don "the red shirt". Hell, I was emptying the trashcans at CTU a few months ago and some HR person asked me if I wanted to carry a gun. "Hell yah" was my reply, but they didn't tell me the guards at CTU only carry fake guns. Yeah, the guns are made of rubber and wobble when you draw them, it is actually quite comical. That's why I almost wet my pants when Samwise told us to shoot Token if he drew his weapon. I am pretty sure Token had a real gun. What was I going to do, throw my "gun" at him?

What is that alarm about? Ah, just ignore it. Someone was probably smoking in the restroom again.

Let's move on to our stupid uniforms. These red shirts make us look like are guarding the food court at Target. They don't even let us have nametags on our uniforms; HR said something about having too much turnover.

That's weird, Edgar is running? That guy needs to run more than anyone around here, for sure. Run Forrest...ack...Run aacck.

Anyway, you know what would improve the morale...ackkkk....of the Red Shirts around here? A union, acckk....what is going on? Damn Edgar, for the last time - light a match.... accckkk

Counterpoint: My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

24 Fun Facts!

24 Fun Facts!

Hiya folks! A show as intricate as 24 takes the efforts of 100's, nay 1000's of people to pull off.
You even get people to work on 24 related stuff that don't get paid!
(*coughB4Bcough*)
I mean, is 30 million too much to ask?

Apparently it is....

Anyway, because there is so much going on in the 24 arena, Blogs 4 Bauer, and me, the Conservative UAW Guy, would like to present these fun facts about 24!
(Like ta hear 'em? Here we go.)

Fun Facts About 24:

1. Jack reads Blogs 4 Bauer. The B4B writers are only alive because Jack has a sense of humor as large as his willingness to use torture on terrorists, commies and hippies to save America.

2. Edgar is not dead, he is simply in a state of suspended animation, brought on by the Centox gas. He can be revived with large quantities of pork. Unlike Ted Kennedy, who can only be revived with large quantities of scotch.

3. Jack shot Miriam Henderson not to get his ex-friend to talk, but because she's a dirty, tree-hugging hippy.

Heh. Jack f***ing rules.

4. Centox was initially discovered by hazmat team in west Los Angeles examining dead bodies in an Indian food restaurant in the spring of 1999. The fact that Michael Moore was there eating at the time cannot be confirmed by this agency.

5. M. Moore says the Centox he releases is not harmful.
The dead disagree....

6. The MooreOn also says there is no terrorist threat.











Again, the dead disagree.
Moore's an asshat.
I think we can all agree there.

7. Kim will most likely die, because being an attractive female on 24 is an almost certain death sentence.












8. Being a cool president doesn't do anything to increase your life-expectancy, either.

9. Being a weasel president, however, apparently makes one immortal.
You can tell the jimmyb doesn't write 24, because if he did, Jack would kill Logan just on GP.

10. Kim would show up more often, too.

11. Mrs. Logan's breasts shielded everyone in the limo from the rocket attack, not armor-plating and bullet-proof glass, as many surmised.

12. I am in danger of being attacked by a rocket.

13. Mrs. Logan is awful busy, being a presidential wife and all, but I think Kim has the wherewithal to protect me, too.















14. Realistically, I am much more likely to die in a spousal-attack, than in a rocket attack, after my wife reads this post.

15. I don't think Kim will stand a chance, either.

16. Blogs 4 Bauer should be your first and only stop for "All Things 24"!!!

BREAKING: President Logan Assassinated: This leaked photo clearly shows President Charles Logan assassinated by gangsters in dorky hats.



Props: INDC Journal and Dorka.

The B4B Guide to Nicknames
Updated: Because some characters have come and gone.

Bacardi and Cola -- Jack and Curtiss, when teamed on an op. Because Curtiss is dark skinned and Jack is light-skinned, and so they recall those respective beverages.

Badger --- Ivan Erwich, because the same actor, Mark Sheppard, played 'Badger' on Firefly. And he sort of looks like a badger. (Now deceased)

Biff Henderson --- Jack's Nemesis Christopher Henderson, named for David Letterman's stage manager. I arbitrarily decided this was funnier than calling him RoboCop.

Cartman's Mom --- Lynn McGill's crackwhore sister, after the character of Cartman's Mom on South Park who is also a crackwhore. (Now deceased)

Chiggy Killer - Bill Buchanan. So-called because in his previous role on Space: Above and Beyond, actor James Morrison's character of Lt. Col. TC McQueen took out the infamous alien ace, Chiggy von-Richthofen. Or, I should say, shot down. "Took out" could be mistaken as some weird, alien, Brokeback Mountain dating experience.

Cougar Bait --- Kim Bauer, because of the notorious Season 3 incident in which she was menaced by a cougar.

Comrade HATO --- Vladimir Bierko. HATO means "Hallowed Are the Ori," since the same actor played a Prior (Priest) in the Cult of the Ori on Stargate SG-1.

Dick Cheney --- Mike Novick, because he sort of looks like vice president Dick Cheney.

Florence Henderson --- Biff Henderson's wife, after the mom on the Brady Bunch... who was probably a bigger skank than she let on, but that's speculation for another time.

Hannibal Connery -- A terrorist collaborator who died in the Feburary 6, 2006 episode, but looked and sounded like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Sean Connery.(Now deceased)

John McCain --- Cartman's Mom's boyfriend. Because he appeared on the show the same week Senator John McCain was rumored to be making a cameo appearance. (Now deceased)

Potato-Face --- Television Without Pity's nickname for Chloe, because of that scrunched-up face she always makes and because it's a much less cruel nickname than Rene Zellweger-face.

President Weasel --- President Logan because... c'mon.

Mary Todd Weasel --- Martha Logan, because she shares the bipolar disorder associated with another first lady, Mary-Todd Lincoln.

Murphy --- President Weasel's VP, after SeaLab 2021's Commander Murphy, because he proposed imposing 'Martian Law' on Los Angeles.

S4GF -- Audrey Raines. Stands for Season 4 Girl Friend, because she was Jack's girlfirend in season 4 until he got her husband killed. Hey, I've done worse things in relationships. There was an S5GF with a teenaged son affectionately named Hairboy, but I don't think we'll be seeing them again.

Sam Gamgee -- Lynn McGill, because Sean Astin played Sam Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

Sid Blumenthal --- Sleazy, conniving presidential aide Walt Cummings, so named because he recalls a sleazy, conniving presidential aide from the Clinton Admin named Sid Blumenthal.(Now deceased)

Studboy --- Spenser, because he serviced Chloe in a stud-like manner, although it looks like he's gone for the rest of the season.

President Subaru --- The Russian President, because the character's name kinda sorta sounds like "Subaru," which is a kind of Japanese car favored by liberals who can't afford Volvos.

Red Foreman --- Secret Service agent Aaron Pierce, who sort of looks vaguely like That 70's Show's Red Foreman, but mostly because it enables me to use the word "dumbass" a lot.

Redshirts --- The CTU Security Personnel, because they were red shirts and are every bit as expendable as Star Trek Security Personnel, who also wore red shirts.

Token --- Curtiss's nickname when not teamed with Jack, after the character of 'Token Black' on South Park, because with David Palmer dead, Curtiss is the only African-American left in the regular cast. (I bet he has a bass guitar in his basement, too.)

Tom Green --- Cougar Bait's new boyfriend, because he has a goatee and he's really annoying.

Truffle Shuffle - Edgar, because he's a big guy and his gait recalls the shildhood-obesity dance performed by the character of Chunk in the movie The Goonies, which I have never actually seen, but am told it suits Edgar.(Now deceased)

Zombie Edgar --- Holding this in reserve... just in case.

B4B Fight Club: Aaron v. Locke. Who Wins?

Aaron Pierce: '24'
Age: mid-forties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Secret Service Agent, President's Detail
Current Season Death Count: At least 4 terrorists
Strengths: Good shot, steady nerves, tough as Hell. Cannot be stopped by flamethrowers, automatic weapons, or rocket propelled grenades.
Weaknesses: I hear his son is a dumbass. Possibly vulnerable to knives.
Curious Detail: He also was once on an Island.

John Locke: 'Lost'
Age: early fifties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Assistant Regional Sales Manager for a box company
Death Count: 1 (Boon)
Strengths: Quiet on the outside, but on the inside, a volcano of rage. Also, never underestimate a youper. (Terry O'Quinn was born in Newberry, MI). Also, good with knives.
Weaknesses: Needs to sacrifice people to the island in order to remain ambulatory. Short one kidney. Can be killed by exploding vending machines.
Curious Detail: He was also once hit on by the president's wife, specifically, the president of NO MA'AM's wife.

CTU Heaven

Can you name all the departed in this image? CTU Heaven is getting crowded and we still need to save room for Kim Bauer.

Update: I've added Michelle Dressler. Despite the rumors, she was not in CTU Hell and Edgar did not eat her.
Update: I have also added Jamey Farrell.

Also, Chase Edmunds' right arm was in CTU Heaven. However, Chase dumped Kim Bauer and his arm will be waiting for him in Hell.

Make sure to stop by this week's Carnival of Bauer!!!

Edgar Weighs Down The Kill Counter

Edgar Weighs Down the Kill Counter

Can you believe it? They killed off Truffle Shuffle!

Last night's episode also featured the untimely death of many people we have grown accustomed to seeing walking around in the background at CTU. Here's to your Mr. and Ms. Random CTU Employee.

But come on people, it's harder to get into an IHOP than it is to infiltrate CTU. It was only a matter of time before a mole decided to thin the payroll at America's worst terror fighting force (except for Team Bacardi & Cola). We still don't know the full body count from the gas attack, so we went low with 7.

After the double-episode, The Jack Bauer Kill Counter jumped up 14, but doubled in weight. With such a high number, it could only mean one thing: Kim Bauer is back!

TivoBogging: The Following Takes Place Between 6:00 pm and 7:00 pm

6:00:00 to 6:12:52

A terrorist scans the shabby apartment. "Let's see, killed the skank. Killed the skank's boyfriend. Got the card. Did I forget anything? Nope, don't think so." Then, he takes Sam Gamgee's CTU Shopper's Club Card out and easily reprograms it to his facial profile... which is easy because of his, plastic, Middle-Aged Ken-Doll like complexion.

Back at CTU, Tony is demanding to see Chiggy Killer about the time Kim Bauer shows up. S4GF calls Jack and lets him know that Kim Bauer is in the hizzy. Jack is transporting Biff and Florence Henderson to CTU. Biff Henderson starts to diss on Kim. "Florence and I were there for Kim when you weren't. And Greg, Marcia, Peter Bobby, and Cindy helped, too. Jan, not so much. She kind of jealous. 'It's all about Kim,' she used to rant. 'Kim! Kim! Kim!'" Jack tells him to shut his pie-hole. "Or, what, you'll threaten to shoot my wife again but not go through with it, y'big pussy?"

S4GF lets Kim know that her dad is still alive. Kim is grasped by feelings of hurt and ennui. Then, Kim is menaced by a cougar.

President Weasel walks into a room where the VP Murphy (as in the Commander Murphy of SeaLab 2021... {stay with me, there's a reason}) is already waiting, and he thinks CTU's evacuation plan blows chunks. Murphy is planning for 400,000 casualties, "a considerable upward revision" Cheney calls it. Therefore, Murphy wants to declare Martian Law in Los Angeles. Weasel is very into this Martian Law idea. "What exactly would my powers be under Martian Law?" Cheney explains, "Well, you can suspend civil rights, declare a posse comitatus..." "Nonsense!" Weasel shouts. "Mars is wild and untamed. I'll form a cadre of Martian Knights, charged with enforcing Martian Law!" Cheney is disturbed at this turn of events. "Mr. President, I think you need to see a doctor." Weasel shouts at him, "Under Martian law, doctors and other wizards are forbidden!"

Soon after Jack arrives at CTU, Comrade Plastic Complexion arrives and even though the red shirt has never seen him before, he accepts his CTU Shopper's Club Card without question, lets him pass. "Hey, what's that in your bag? A container of toxic nerve gas?" the Red Shirt asks. "Or, are you just happy to see me?"

6:17:03 to 6:27:52

Jack returns to CTU and meets with S4GF, who tells Jack that Kim brought Tom Green (her new boyfriend) with her to the CTU office. Kim and Tom Green are pretty pissed about Jack not telling her he wasn't dead. Jack asks Tom Green to leave the room, so he can be alone with his daughter. He refuses, so Jack shoots him in the knee. (Just kidding. We should be so lucky.) Jack and Kim have an awkward moment of reunion. Then, a cougar comes in and starts menacing her.

Meanwhile, Comrade Plastic Complexion is making his way through CTU... challenged by no one. He casually passes the break room and plays a round of foosball with Edgar, then proceeds to the basement, where the Master Ventilation System is conveniently located.

Up in the infirmary, Tony rips off his bandage and demands of Chiggy Killer "Who did this? Who scarred my rugged, manly features?" Chiggy Killer says, "It's all classified, I can't tell you anything... but it was Biff Henderson."

Speaking of Biff, he's strapped up like he's about to get the lethal injection. "He's going to tolerate an inhuman amount of pain," Jack says, his nipples erect with the prospect. He's even hired Mel Gibson to come in and act out some of the more intense parts of Passion of the Christ on Biff. Jack approaches Biff and lays it on thick about Biff just thinking he's doing the right thing. Biff goes all Hannibal Lecter on him. "My, my, my, Clarisse. Disarming your subject by showing empathy for his agenda. Tell me, what did Multiple Miggs tell you as you walked by?" Seeing that he's getting nowhere, Jack turns to Mel Gibson. "Start it up," he says. Mel takes out a massive syringe. "Now, this won't hurt a bit... until I plunge it into your eyeball!"

6:32:03 to 6:38:53

Mary Todd sneaks out to the back of the presidential retreat for a smoke. Dick Cheney approaches her. "Your husband's going a bit bonkers. He needs you." Mary Todd is unimpressed. "He was going to let me die at the hands of terrorists." "Hey, every married couple goes through that. Don't you watch Dr. Phil?" Cheney tells her, "But he really needs your help. VP Murphy wants to impose Martian Law. You're the only one who can possible talk him out of it." "Martian Law?" Mary Todd asks. "Yeah," Cheney tells her. "We'll be lucky if ten people at B4B get that reference."

Meanwhile, Comrade Plastic Complexion is accessing the specs of the CTU ventilation system. Seems a bit unnecessary, given that there's a great big fan right behind him blowing air throughout the building, but anyway... The chick PHB Gamgee fired last week notices that the ventilation system is being checked out. So, she goes and tells the worst possible person to give vital information to...Truffle Shuffle. He tells her he's busy, so check it out herself.

Mary Todd comes up behind Weasel. He asks for forgiveness. They share an intimate moment and discuss terms of forgiveness. Then, Mary Todd is menaced by a cougar.

Meanwhile, the chick that PHB Gamgee fired last week goes down into the basement and sees Comrade Plastic Complexion sabotaging the ventilation system. She tries to call CTU, but before she can even get a signal (being in the basement), he stabs her right in the back.

That's what she gets for going to Edgar with a security concern.

6:43:04 to 6:48:33

Comrade Plastic Complexion puts the canister under the great big fan. Upstairs, Kim goes over to talk to Chloe. "Hey, my dad said he was going to do something, do you know how long he'll be?" "Well, he's torturing a guy so, it could be an hour... probably less." Chloe also tells Kim to chill out about the whole Jack being alive thing. "By the way, did you know there's a cougar menacing you?" Kim shrugs, "Yeah, he follows me everywhere." She scratches the beast between the ears.

Chiggy Killer goes to Sam Gamgee and tries to break some bad news to him gently. "Hey Sam, you know that the difference between MC Hammer and your sister is? MC Hammer wasn't just executed gangland style in his apartment." Sam Gamgee lets Chiggy Killer know that his sister stole his CTU Shopper's Club Card. Chiggy calls Chloe to scan for anyone who used Sam Gamgee's Shopper's Club Card. They find out it was, and CTU goes into lockdown, meaning they will all be trapped inside with the gas. Great plan.


6:52:40 to 6:59:59

Jack is in the torture room with Mel and Biff when all the alarms start going off. Chaos reigns at CTU. Chiggy and Chloe spot Comrade Plastic Complexion trying to escape out the back and dispatch Jack to capture him. In the tunnel, Comrade Plastic Complexion cold cocks a redshirt and plans to use him to get out of CTU, as hostage or a battering ram, it's not clear at first. He gets the redshirt to put his thumbprint on a thumbprint reader, then kills him and takes his walkie-talkie. Jack finds the body, and radios to Chiggy Killer that CPC's in the stairwell trying to get to the roof. This fakes out Comrade Plastic Complexion long enough for Jack to get the drop on him. Jack orders him to drop the gun. He doesn't. This proves to be a mistake on his part.

Jack finds a PDA on the dead terrorist and immediately deduces that Tex-Mex gas is about to be released in CTU. Chiggy Killer calls for Code Six, total building evacuation. Edgar runs down to the basement to find the chick that PHB Gamgee fired last week. He finds Carrie's body just as the nerve gas begins to blow into the building. In CTU Central, they see the gas coming . Chloe quickly locks down all the rooms that can be locked down and they seal everyone they can inside those rooms, especially the main conference room --- S4GF, Chloe, Jack, Chiggy, Tom Green, Kim, the cougar... they all make it inside. Then, they watch as everyone who couldn't make it pounds frantically on the glass. Finally, they watch as Edgar enters the CTU situation room. As he succumbs to the gas, he has time to belch out a final word... "Rosebud."

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 5:00 PM and 6:00 PM

5:00:00 to 05:12:36

As we join Tony is regaining consciousness. The first person he sees is a Chiggy Killer. "I had the strangest dream," he says. "And you were there, and Edgar, and Jack, and some Hobbit guy." Chiggy Killer brings him up to speed on Jack being alive and helping out CTU. Tony says he needs to speak to Jack right frakking now. He also asks how his wife is. "Oh, um, she's gonna be fine," Chiggy Killer says, "but,... um... on a totally unrelated subject, do you know Dr. Phil says a new romance is often the best way to deal with the death of a spouse. On another unrelated note, have you ever noticed how hot Chloe is?"

Meanwhile, various second and third responders are cleaning up the scene of the ambush. Red Foreman is keeping an eye on Mary Todd, who is a little upset that her husband the weasel did not just let the attack happen but helped the terrorists. She saw something just like this on Dr. Phil.

Meanwhile, Comrade HATO and his terrorists are setting up the nerve gas. They plan to set off the first canister as a diversion before they hit the real target or targets. And they will also need the key card Cartman's Mom and John McCain stole from Sam Gamgee, who are selling it for crack money. So, evidently, the terrorists' entire plan hinged on exploiting the dysfunctional relative of an unstable CTU Director. Obviously, they took notes during previous seasons.

Jack finds out from Chloe that Biff Henderson is dumping all the data from his office computer to his home computer in Toluca Lake. Jack prepares to use his superpowers to fold space in order to make it there in about five minutes despite Rush Hour LA Traffic.

Token finds the schematic of a building in the pocket of one of the dead terrorists, with a notation 18:00 in the corner. Obviously the terrorists are not real familiar with the conventions of military timekeeping or they would have written 1800, without the colon.

Tony gets out of bed and crosses to a mirror to checkout his beautiful face. After singing a few bars of "I Feel Pretty, he sneaks out of the Infirmary and finds a computer. He looks up his wife's file and finds out he's back on the market.

5:17:02 to 5:24:36

Navy chopper lands at the presidential retreat. Red Foreman is admiring the fifty cal sticking out the side. "You could really blow away some dumbasses with this." Weasel runs out to meet his wife, "Hey, Hon', sorry about letting the terrorists try to kill you and all. Can we still have maritals tonight?" She tells him to stuff himself. Then, Weasel begs Russian President Subaru for help with terrorists. Subaru, being much more in touch with his feminine side, observes "Your wife seemed upset in the limousine." Like she knew something was going to happen." Weasel reassures, "Yeah, she's nuts. She's a tiger in the sack, though... Rowrrrr!"

Meanwhile, at CTU, Sam Gamgee begs Chiggy Killer to let him call Cartman's Mom. Chiggy Killer agrees to grant him the use of the phone and some privacy. He calls Cartman's Mom and begs her for the return of his CTU Shopper's Club Card. She agrees to get it back to him, but John McCain tells her no way, he intends to sell it for crack money.

Back at the ranch, Weasel wants to see his wife, but Evelyn tells him to stuff himself. Then, Mary Todd tells Evelyn to send for Red Foreman.

Truffle Shuffle finds a match to the building schematic, a hospital in Westwood. And then, to prove its accuracy, the director cuts to a hospital where a terrorist is wheeling the Tex-Mex gas out on a gurney. He looks and talks like Mr. Chekhov from Star Trek... thus is his nickname born.

5:29:04 to 5:37:02

Jack is outside Biff Henderson's house with his man-purse. Judging by the lighting, Biff Henderson lives on Cylon-occupied Caprica, but that's no problem for Jack (what with the space-folding and all). Mrs. Henderson—we'll call her Florence—is washing peppers in the kitchen. Jack busts in demands to see Biff Henderson's computer, explains about how Biff was involved in creating nerve gas, in helping terrorists, and in a scheme to sell American seaports to A-Rab companies. She doesn't believe him, so Jack pulls a gun on her and demands to see Biff's computer. "Come on Jack, you don't need to hold a gun on me," she purrs coquettishly. Jack sits down at the computer.

Token's got the hospital on the phone, and they are evacuating and stepping up security. The hospital administrator informs him that they've evacuated most of the easy patients and the machine that goes 'PING!', but the ICU patients, including newborn babies are still trapped in the hospital. The NARAL representative shrugs and says "So, what's the big deal." Comrade Chekhov is freaked out and calls Comrade HATO. "Sair, there are wery many guards guarding the stairvells. I need another place to release the wessel of Tex-Mex." Comrade HATO informs him that as of now, he is officially wearing the red shirt.

Meanwhile, Red Foreman drops in on Mary Todd. She thanks him for saving her life, and then takes his hand. (But what of Kitty, and Eric?) Cheney walks in at this inopportune moment. "Hey, the presidents been trying to reach you," Cheney says. "We weren't doing anything," Red Foreman insists. "Nothing happened." "Well, whatever didn't happen make sure it doesn't not happen again!" Cheney snarls. "Or I will fill you SO full of birdshot." Red feels like a real dumbass.


5:41: 32 to 5:47:36

CTU gets intel from the Russians about a Russian billionaire named Vladimir Bearko (a.k.a. Comrade HATO). He's not only been bankrolling separatist terror movements, he also put in a bid to run terminal operations at American Ports. Obviously, he's pure evil.

Meanwhile, Jack and Chloe find downloaded music on Biff Henderson's hard drive, mostly Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, and Linda Ronstadt. "My God," says Florence. "He really is a traitor. Dr. Phil was right!" Chloe alerts RIAA. Chloe then finds a secret hard drive, and Jack asks Florence for the password. She says doesn't know what it is. Jack orders Chloe to hack into it. As we all know from watching any movie or TV show requiring hacking, all it takes to break a password is to stare anxiously at a screen while frantically typing... and nobody can look more anxious or type more frantically than Chloe.

Meanwhile, at the hospital, the hospital administrator finds Chekhov lurking in a place where no orderly has ever been seen before... the Orderlies' washroom. Token and a squad of jackbooted thugs begin to sneak up on Chekhov just as he is arming the Tex-Mex torpedo. Chekhov runs for it, but Token takes him down. One of the jack-booted thugs finds the Tex-Mex gas. Token calls for a chemical response team with a really big Hefty bag to throw over the canister (I mean, that would pretty much trap the gas, right?)

5:52:03 to 5:59:59

More jack-booted thugs move in on the Tex-Mex gas. I'm not seeing a Hefty bag. That's okay. Nobody listens to Eeeyore.

Chloe informs Jack that Biff is using a double-secret encryption key. No amount of scowling will crack the code." Meanwhile, Biff gets home and Jack cold cocks him and orders him to handcuff himself behind his back. Jack puts the gun to Biff's throat. Florence starts screaming like trailer trash during a domestic dispute on COPS. "Don't hurt him. Ah luhv heem." Then, Jack opens the briefcase and shakes out enough money to buy gold teeth for every pimp in Compton. Biff double dog dares Jack to shoot him in the knee. So, Jack shoots his wife in the knee instead and threatens to shoot her again. Biff calls Jack's bluff... and Jack doesn't shoot her again.

Meanwhile Token and the team are trying to defuse the Tex-Mex Torpedo. Since they can't disarm it, and they didn't bring a hefty bag, they run upstairs with the canister through a big crowd of people and put the gas into a big octagonal fish tank with two seconds to spare.

Meanwhile, John McCain and Cartman's Mom are tied up and shot by one of the terrorists, and thus are spared Fight Club humiliation at the hands of Rose and Bernard.

RIP Truffle Shuffle

Welcome to the online wake for Edgar "Truffle Shuffle" Stiles, he's now in CTU Heaven. Post your memories of Edgar in the comments section and stop by The Carnival of Edgar.

EXPERIENCE:
CTU - Intelligence Analyst, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU - Internet Protocol Manager, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
Kitty Cat Club - Men's bathroom attendent

EXPERTISE:
Operating systems, distributed systems, informational retrieval and wireless networks. He was also Chloe's bitch at times.

EDUCATION:
Bachelor of Science, Computer Applications with honors - New York University

PERSONAL:
Single (But almost scored with Chloe)

Chloe finally found a way to quit Edgar.