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Saturday, April 15, 2006

Blogs4Bauer Land

Blogs4Bauer Land

In an effort to capitalize on our popularity before the summer rerun season, the staff at Blogs4Bauer pooled our money together for as new joint venture: Blogs4Bauer Land. Situated in sunny scenic Newark, New Jersey - the only place where we could afford the land - Blogs4Bauer Land is the ultimate in family entertainment. Our most popular attractions include:

Pin the Nose on Audrey with Buckley Williams: You pick the nose! You also pick the placement of the nose, and we don't even require a blindfold. This object here is as plain (and as large) as the nose on her face.

Who is the Family Leak? Live Torture Supervised by the CUG: Did you ever want to beat your kids with a phone book? How about hooking daddy's nipples up to a car battery? Well at Who is the Family Leak, now you can! The CUG supplies the implements, and your only limit is your imagination. Not to worry: it is all supervised. (Note: For a substantial fee, the CUG will become lax in supervision.)

Whack a Mole with RFTR: Instead of fluffy mallets, RFTR uses real ball peen hammers for the B4B Whack a Mole. While stalwarts such as Walt Cummings and Nina Myers are present, and the participants change as the particular season dictates. Caution: blood spatter area!

Rick Moran's Water Park of Death: Rick oversees the wetness in true B4B fashion. The water slide is contaminated with a Centox nerve agent, the wave pool is loaded with real dead bodies (courtesy of Jack Bauer), and the lifeguards are certified by the Chloe O'Brian Rudeness Academy. "No running! I am really busy right now! (Frown)"

The Man's Guess Your Age, Weight, and Political Affiliation: The Man uses his awesome telekinetic powers to determine the age, weight, and political affiliation of our guests. Our Red Shirt Security will escort those determined to be liberal Democrats out of the park.

Disarm a Real Dirty Bomb with Tyler D: What precocious child has not thought about disarming live explosives? Now their dreams can come true! Tyler D has scoured the Russian breakaway republics to bring you the most authentic dirty bombs the country has ever seen. And remember: cut the blue wire! Or, is it don't cut the blue wire?

V the K's Fight Club Octagon: V doles out steaming bowls of justice with his celebrity death matches. Out-of-work actors such as Louis Lombardi and Sarah Clarke actually step inside the Octagon and beat each other senseless. It's like Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome . . . without Tina Turner.

Wyatt Earp's Pistol Range: A live-fire shooting gallery for the whole clan. We have everything from AK-47's to Uzis. And you pick your choice of target, whether it is Habib Marwan, Christopher Henderson, or Ryan Chappelle. Eye and ear protection is provided.

Blogs4Bauer Land: It's the Violentest Place on Earth!


Anonymous said...

The Kim Bauer Petting Zoo which is filled with nothing but hungry cougars is set to open in 2007

RFTR said...

There will also be a food court, of course, called "Station Six."

Free meals for life to the first person who gets the reference...

Anonymous said...

There will also be a food court, of course, called "Station Six."

HAHA that's so fitting! don't forget the memorial plaque too.

Justin said...

I'm just guessing that was Edgar's station...