Check out the interview and the pictures here.
(Hat Tip - Gary)
Friday, March 30, 2007
Chloe in Geek Mag
Mary Lynn Rajskub was featured in GEEK magazine this month. Blogs4Bauer was given inside access to one of the photos.
Check out the interview and the pictures here.
(Hat Tip - Gary)
Check out the interview and the pictures here.
(Hat Tip - Gary)
24 Point/Counterpoint
Counterpoint: Zombies of the world, unite!by The Late Nelson Muntz
This nation is divided. And it is not the usual dead/undead division that is plaguing America. Instead, two zombie factions are at odds over zombie President Palmer's pacifist policies.
Does anyone realize how long we have struggled to put a zombie President in the White House? Sure, Gerald Ford was a start, but since he was not clinically dead when he was elected, we could hardly call that a victory! Zombie Wayne Palmer represents you. He represents me. He represents our zombie agenda, and I say we support him!
(Hold on a moment, I can't seem to find my left foot. Where the hell did I leave the corpse of Daniel Day-Lewis?)
Sorry. Zombie issues here. Where was I? Oh yes, our zombie President has our best interests at his undead heart. His recent bout with pacifism is merely placating his undead hippie base. Now that he has satisfied them, Dennis Hopper will leave him alone.
HA, HA!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
24 Kim Bauer Spoiler Alert
--EXCLUSIVE--
Those of you who check out Blogs4Bauer on a semi-regular basis know that we're not a spoiler site in any way whatsoever. We are like the Tuesday morning quarterbacks of 24.
Well that all changes today! One of my friends works with a key sponsor of 24 and Fox. On a recent business trip, she was invited to meet some of the writers of 24 at a party. After a few drinks, her and Manny Coto hit it off pretty well and they exchanged email addresses to keep in touch. As a sponsor, she would like to know ahead of time what is going on with the show.
Well....she sent me this email from Manny talking about a favorite character of ours. Yes, RFTR will be glad to hear that Kim Bauer will soon make her glorious return. Thats right, Kim Bauer is
coming back later this season! You heard it here first!
Now we have a couple more shockers that we will be coming down the pipe on future episodes of 24. If you are a fan of the show, make sure you check back tomorrow to find out....oh heck, just check back tomorrow for more insider information.
Those of you who check out Blogs4Bauer on a semi-regular basis know that we're not a spoiler site in any way whatsoever. We are like the Tuesday morning quarterbacks of 24.
Well that all changes today! One of my friends works with a key sponsor of 24 and Fox. On a recent business trip, she was invited to meet some of the writers of 24 at a party. After a few drinks, her and Manny Coto hit it off pretty well and they exchanged email addresses to keep in touch. As a sponsor, she would like to know ahead of time what is going on with the show.
Well....she sent me this email from Manny talking about a favorite character of ours. Yes, RFTR will be glad to hear that Kim Bauer will soon make her glorious return. Thats right, Kim Bauer is
coming back later this season! You heard it here first!
Now we have a couple more shockers that we will be coming down the pipe on future episodes of 24. If you are a fan of the show, make sure you check back tomorrow to find out....oh heck, just check back tomorrow for more insider information.
The Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted over at The New World Order. Go check it out!
Next week the carnival moves over to Morning Maniac Music. If you want to host nd upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (3/29). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (3/28).This week, the Carnival heads over to The New World Order. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.
24 Point/Counterpoint
Point: This zombie president does not represent me!by: Harris Johnson (1923-1967)
As a proud member of the walking undead, also known as "zombies", I'm outraged at the portrayal of one of our own on the show 24. The show has a zombie president that is trying to stop a war and promote peace and understanding and all that hippie crap. This zombie president does not represent me or anyone like me!
The Fox-TV show "24" is giving a new twist to its old standby: anti-zombie themes. This time around, a dark-complexioned zombie is the villain. Not stopping there, Fox has the zombie president as the worst kind of villain, a peaceful villain! Do they think the viewers are that stupid?
I tell you what, there's not going to be a demand for zombie President Palmer t-shirts.
Now in its sixth season, "24" has super agent Jack Bauer yet again bringing down Arab-American and Muslim-American bad guys while the lone zombie is responsible for holding back and cowering to these terrorists.
Jack Bauer has come out and stated that "I think the
zombie community within the United States is an incredibly vital, important aspect of this culture -- and to talk about any one group because of the actions of one zombie and lump them as a larger group of zombies is a very dangerous, dangerous situation." It is really hard to watch Jack try to hide behind Fox's blatant slap in the rotting faces of zombies everywhere. We have worked long and hard to gain a reputation as flesh eating monsters! Now Fox wants to put a positive spin on zombies? I hope the viewers are not duped into thinking that zombies are anything but walking corpses looking to feed on some fresh brains and a little flesh of the living.In reality, why would zombies want to prevent nuclear war? The use of nukes would create many more zombies and also provide plenty of fresh food, radiated to kill off any diseases the host may carry. Personally, I was looking forward to a little halal dining until that bastard zombie Palmer put an end to it.
The blatant stereotyping of zombies on 24 has to end! Until zombie President Palmer starts munching on some frontal lobes, we will be holding rallies outside of Fox Headquarters. Come join us, it's BYOB. Ha Ha.... I kill you.
Harris Johnson is the president of Z.A.P. (Zombie Awareness Partnership)
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 8:00 pm and 9:00 pm
08:00:00 to 08:10:23
The Drone Op's as dead as Britney's career.
Jack's pissed for the excessive corpses, 'round here
Martouf finds the module, that proves AF was no mole
He sells it to Ricky, in exchange for his soul
Chiggy tells Jack about the Veep's plan
To pass out Atomic Kool-Aid to Durkadurkastan
"Doesn't he know that that will start World War III?"
And Chiggy asks, "Jack, when do you pee?"
Whistler is pissed because his drone didn't blow.
With three bombs down and two more to go.
Nagonaworkhere's fed up, tells Whistler to Farg It
But Whistler says "Only I can give you the target."
Whistler calls Charlie Babbit, for his services, begs
Raymond will do it when he's done with his eggs.
But his desperate call was intercepted by Chloe.
Awana Fuqya is arrested as an enemy combatant, Oy!
08:14:35 to 08:24:08
Cynthia McKinney keeps vigil, by the president's bed, in a stupor,
And in the midst of distress, she's bugged by Frau Blucher
"Jim Belushi must awaken, we have enemies to appease"
Cyn' smacks her with a cell phone. But then she agrees.
Back at the Batcave, the Vickery takes position
To launch a nuke payload at Jim Jones's volition
The bomb has a yield of 300 kilotons
That will burn durkastanis into char-broiled skeletons
Jim Jones asks how many stiffs they'll be making,
Then Ann Coulter walks in, there's a call that needs taking.
"Belushi's faggot doctor is bringing him out of the coma.
He'll FUBAR your plans to droppa the bomba."
Jim Jones calls the doctor. "If you don't stop right now,
I'll make you stop, though I'm not sure quite how."
The doctor says "it's not up to you, it's Cynthia's choice,"
Then, whacks him with a cell phone, with text and with voice.
Back in L.A., Jack and his crew, on the move
Into Rain Man's house, and they start to groove
Charlie Babbitt takes bullets right through the pants
And confesses the target is a nuke power plant.
08:28:22 to 08:34:45
Jack goes easy on Raymond, for mercy's good sake
Jack tells Raymond his brother has made some mistakes,
Raymonds says: "Hey, I make mistakes, too
Like that time I used my own turds to make stew."
Jack decides to go forward and set up a sting...
To nail the terrorists, it's the onliest thing
Charlie calls Whistler, says don't be a fool
And then sets up Rain Man, to act as his mule.
Martouf goes to Milo, back at CTU
And tells him about the module, intending Ricky to screw
Milo thought he nailed Ricky, but Al Bundy appeared
Said, "He gave me the module, Awana Fuqya is cleared."
Ricky pins Martouf, it's his favorite pasttime
And says, "You've screwed with the wrong guy for the last time.
You thought I hated her, just because she was Moslem?"
It's sad when two faggots have personal problems.
08:38:54 to 08:49:52
RPF says to Kemper, back at the CTU
"When Awana gets back, it will suck to be you."
Kemper and Fuqya make out like hell.
Like they were the new Tony A and Michelle.
While Kemper and Fuqya kiss and make up
Cyndi and Blucher just want Jim to wake up.
The doc is concerned, if his condition's not managed
The result could be irreversible Dain Bramage.
Jack takes an earpiece, to fix up Raymond all proper
But Raymond just wants to stay home and watch Wapner.
Whistler pulls up and mutters in Russian foreboding
"You can waste this little retard, when I'm done downloading."
Jack's shooter is blocked by Raymond's fat head
But Rain Man gets down, and he snipes the red
When Whistler wakes up, he refuses to squeal
Minus the usual deluxe immunity deal.
08:53:54 to 08:59:59
Jim Jones wants Vickery to be unloading
Weasel Cage argues "Why not just stop any more nukes from 'sploding.
Why go ahead, with this dangerous thumping."
Jim Jones bellows, "'Cos I gotta nuke something!"
Belushi arises, to Blucher's relief
And resumes his duties as Commander-in-Chief.
"Oh, and you were so good at that," Jim Jones, the veep, sneers.
He demands the AG, or as Ann calls him, "that queer."
Tick Tock.
The Drone Op's as dead as Britney's career.
Jack's pissed for the excessive corpses, 'round here
Martouf finds the module, that proves AF was no mole
He sells it to Ricky, in exchange for his soul
Chiggy tells Jack about the Veep's plan
To pass out Atomic Kool-Aid to Durkadurkastan
"Doesn't he know that that will start World War III?"
And Chiggy asks, "Jack, when do you pee?"
Whistler is pissed because his drone didn't blow.
With three bombs down and two more to go.
Nagonaworkhere's fed up, tells Whistler to Farg It
But Whistler says "Only I can give you the target."
Whistler calls Charlie Babbit, for his services, begs
Raymond will do it when he's done with his eggs.
But his desperate call was intercepted by Chloe.
Awana Fuqya is arrested as an enemy combatant, Oy!
08:14:35 to 08:24:08
Cynthia McKinney keeps vigil, by the president's bed, in a stupor,
And in the midst of distress, she's bugged by Frau Blucher
"Jim Belushi must awaken, we have enemies to appease"
Cyn' smacks her with a cell phone. But then she agrees.
Back at the Batcave, the Vickery takes position
To launch a nuke payload at Jim Jones's volition
The bomb has a yield of 300 kilotons
That will burn durkastanis into char-broiled skeletons
Jim Jones asks how many stiffs they'll be making,
Then Ann Coulter walks in, there's a call that needs taking.
"Belushi's faggot doctor is bringing him out of the coma.
He'll FUBAR your plans to droppa the bomba."
Jim Jones calls the doctor. "If you don't stop right now,
I'll make you stop, though I'm not sure quite how."
The doctor says "it's not up to you, it's Cynthia's choice,"
Then, whacks him with a cell phone, with text and with voice.
Back in L.A., Jack and his crew, on the move
Into Rain Man's house, and they start to groove
Charlie Babbitt takes bullets right through the pants
And confesses the target is a nuke power plant.
08:28:22 to 08:34:45
Jack goes easy on Raymond, for mercy's good sake
Jack tells Raymond his brother has made some mistakes,
Raymonds says: "Hey, I make mistakes, too
Like that time I used my own turds to make stew."
Jack decides to go forward and set up a sting...
To nail the terrorists, it's the onliest thing
Charlie calls Whistler, says don't be a fool
And then sets up Rain Man, to act as his mule.
Martouf goes to Milo, back at CTU
And tells him about the module, intending Ricky to screw
Milo thought he nailed Ricky, but Al Bundy appeared
Said, "He gave me the module, Awana Fuqya is cleared."
Ricky pins Martouf, it's his favorite pasttime
And says, "You've screwed with the wrong guy for the last time.
You thought I hated her, just because she was Moslem?"
It's sad when two faggots have personal problems.
08:38:54 to 08:49:52
RPF says to Kemper, back at the CTU
"When Awana gets back, it will suck to be you."
Kemper and Fuqya make out like hell.
Like they were the new Tony A and Michelle.
While Kemper and Fuqya kiss and make up
Cyndi and Blucher just want Jim to wake up.
The doc is concerned, if his condition's not managed
The result could be irreversible Dain Bramage.
Jack takes an earpiece, to fix up Raymond all proper
But Raymond just wants to stay home and watch Wapner.
Whistler pulls up and mutters in Russian foreboding
"You can waste this little retard, when I'm done downloading."
Jack's shooter is blocked by Raymond's fat head
But Rain Man gets down, and he snipes the red
When Whistler wakes up, he refuses to squeal
Minus the usual deluxe immunity deal.
08:53:54 to 08:59:59
Jim Jones wants Vickery to be unloading
Weasel Cage argues "Why not just stop any more nukes from 'sploding.
Why go ahead, with this dangerous thumping."
Jim Jones bellows, "'Cos I gotta nuke something!"
Belushi arises, to Blucher's relief
And resumes his duties as Commander-in-Chief.
"Oh, and you were so good at that," Jim Jones, the veep, sneers.
He demands the AG, or as Ann calls him, "that queer."
Tick Tock.
Attack of the Zombie President
President Palmer is obviously a zombie, eating brains and running the country. What does every zombie president really need? Besides a fresh supply of brains?
A good slogan. Something you can put on a bumper sticker that says to the world, my president eats brains and you know what, I still support him or her.
Got any slogans that might work for a brain-eating politician?
"Tippecanoe and BRAINS too"
"No brain left behind"
"A fresh brain is a terrible thing to waste"
Monday, March 26, 2007
LiveBlogging 8:00-9:00PM
The Jack Sack is back!
Two weeks ago, I participated in my first live-blog here at Blogs4Bauer. I was a fresh, clean little daisy amongst the filthy-minded denizens of this blog. Well, tonight I join the "dirty" contingent with a little Kim Bauer tribute of my own:
Yes, that's Kim Bauer holding her very own Jack Sack. I guess this is what George Costanza was talking about when he spoke of "flying too close to the sun."
We're a half-hour away from tonight's episode, so why don't you all just let that image soak in for now.
OK- It's go-time! The following takes place between 8pm and 9pm...
8:00-8:10 PM
The "dirty bomb" has everybody up in arms! And somebody is subverting CTU's system!
Ok, Jack is running point. Doyle is full of useful information. And we have a "Dammit." Jack has only an hour to find the other nukes. Obviously this will not happen, the show is called "24" not "14!"
Fayed has made up his mind, Gredenko is going to bite it right here. "I HAVE THE BOMBS!" Man was that... awkward. I just noticed the wedding band on Gredenko. Heh.
Oh Jesus, we have a "Rain Man" episode! No red food! Now plug-in Ray!
Back at CTU, Buchanan is helping Milo cope with the loss of Hottia. And here we have the timely and convenient revelation that Mark Hauser (Rain Man's brother) is the leak. Looks like Doyle made that Denver omlete too quickly. This cover-up thing sounds a bit too contrived. But it will give Jack reason to pound on Ricky later this season. That sounds fine to me!
8:14-8:24PM
Oh Wayne... my poor sweet Wayne! So, everybody EXCEPT the Vice President thinks this nuke strike is an "insane" idea. Karen is playing hardball here. Come on, Sandra, it's Wayne for crying out loud. It's not like you're working with the *real* President Palmer. David is gone! GONE!
Okay, the nuke will be a loud and clear message. The Veep is jonesing for some high-yield death. And he will not be denied! "Let's cut the crap, doctor." And the doctor is not backing down. Oh man, this is good stuff.
Okay, Hauser, get those cheese balls ready! I wonder how Rain Man is going to react to a Tac Team busting down the door? Oh man, what IS this show doing? Get the cheese balls! He's freakin' out! Say it, Jack... "My name is Jack Bauer" YES!
Brady is the man! The guy can't say a sentence without stumbling and then he drops the IT lingo like it's nothing. Brady Hauser. IT-savant! Okay, so now we have a nuke power plant in play. And Jack is using Rain Man to catch Gredenko. Oy, this ain't gonna work...
Mid-point thoughts- is Brady "Rain Man" Hauser going to set off protests from the IT community for it's stereotypical portrayal of social dysfunction? I mean everybody else seems to be upset with how "24" portrays them on the show...
8:28-8:34PM
Jack's new partner- Brady the Wonder-Boy! Man, Jack goes from a Chinese prison to handling idiot-savants. And the patience he's exhibiting is... super-human. Come on, Jack, just yell "Dammit!" at Brady once... please! I know, that's a mean wish, but I'm like that sometimes. And Gredenko "knows" about Brady. Man, that sucks.
Interesting stuff going down at CTU. This guy is setting up Doyle! And what's going on with Morris? Wah? Okay, so Doyle was not covering up Nadia's innocence. Me confused. Milo and Doyle are friends? Doyle is an okay guy? Johnson is a dead-duck! Man, what DID happen in Denver. Very confusing stuff...
Okay, FYI, comments are not working well tonight. Blogger is all messed up.
8:38-8:49PM
A non-sweaty Nadia. Boo!!!! Oh she's definitely not smiling. Buchanan: "We need you, Nadia." Hell yeah! How about she takes a shower? Just a quick scene. And Chloe is busting Milo's chops. Ah, Chloe, they need to give you 1,000% more dialogue. Now, Milo is going to make his move... Ohh, another "Dammit!" Oh DAMN! Mercy, turn on the AC in CTU, it's gettin' hot in here! Come on, Nadia, I'm a million times more virile and willing to stick up for you. I always thought you were innocent, Nadia! Milo is a punk! Damn... they're gonna be an item... oh well.
Back at the Sub-White House... Sandra tells Karen that David was a better man than everybody in the family. Yeah. We know. Wayne is crashing! David would have come out of that coma no problemo.
"Dammit" again from Jack. But he didn't yell it at Brady. That doesn't count! Man, Jack is so gentle. It's like he's a completely different person. Did he volunteer with the handicapped back in college? Brady is pooping his pants. Get that guy some cheese balls- STAT!
Charlie Team can't get a line of sight! Come on, Rain Man! Move! MOVE! Come on, cheese balls! Oh yeah!!! THAT was vintage Bauer.
And sadly, Brady is a better field agent than Milo. Somebody please tell Nadia that Brady is single.
8:53-9:00PM
Jack loves Brady. That was too friggin' adorable to handle. Ok, now Gredenko is going to get the "Bauer Special." Jack ain't playing around! But Gredenko is asking for the Presidential pardon/amnesty package. Ah, naked Mandy is giggling somewhere in the Bahamas over that 'ol value meal special.
Ok, nuke time!!!!!!!! Proceed with the strike! No delays! Lennox is going to get bitten. Oh crap, they're really going to launch that nuke. Wah... WOAH- PRESIDENT PALMER IS BACK IN DA HIZZOUSE!
Somebody is about to get fired. "Noah, it's Wayne..." Do the Trump line... come on, fire the man!!! Do it! Dammit, David would have fired Noah. Come on, Wayne! Fire the dude!
Crap. Daniels is going Constitutional! Fire the man! DAMMIT!!!!
Two weeks ago, I participated in my first live-blog here at Blogs4Bauer. I was a fresh, clean little daisy amongst the filthy-minded denizens of this blog. Well, tonight I join the "dirty" contingent with a little Kim Bauer tribute of my own:
Yes, that's Kim Bauer holding her very own Jack Sack. I guess this is what George Costanza was talking about when he spoke of "flying too close to the sun."We're a half-hour away from tonight's episode, so why don't you all just let that image soak in for now.
OK- It's go-time! The following takes place between 8pm and 9pm...
8:00-8:10 PM
The "dirty bomb" has everybody up in arms! And somebody is subverting CTU's system!
Ok, Jack is running point. Doyle is full of useful information. And we have a "Dammit." Jack has only an hour to find the other nukes. Obviously this will not happen, the show is called "24" not "14!"
Fayed has made up his mind, Gredenko is going to bite it right here. "I HAVE THE BOMBS!" Man was that... awkward. I just noticed the wedding band on Gredenko. Heh.
Oh Jesus, we have a "Rain Man" episode! No red food! Now plug-in Ray!
Back at CTU, Buchanan is helping Milo cope with the loss of Hottia. And here we have the timely and convenient revelation that Mark Hauser (Rain Man's brother) is the leak. Looks like Doyle made that Denver omlete too quickly. This cover-up thing sounds a bit too contrived. But it will give Jack reason to pound on Ricky later this season. That sounds fine to me!
8:14-8:24PM
Oh Wayne... my poor sweet Wayne! So, everybody EXCEPT the Vice President thinks this nuke strike is an "insane" idea. Karen is playing hardball here. Come on, Sandra, it's Wayne for crying out loud. It's not like you're working with the *real* President Palmer. David is gone! GONE!
Okay, the nuke will be a loud and clear message. The Veep is jonesing for some high-yield death. And he will not be denied! "Let's cut the crap, doctor." And the doctor is not backing down. Oh man, this is good stuff.
Okay, Hauser, get those cheese balls ready! I wonder how Rain Man is going to react to a Tac Team busting down the door? Oh man, what IS this show doing? Get the cheese balls! He's freakin' out! Say it, Jack... "My name is Jack Bauer" YES!
Brady is the man! The guy can't say a sentence without stumbling and then he drops the IT lingo like it's nothing. Brady Hauser. IT-savant! Okay, so now we have a nuke power plant in play. And Jack is using Rain Man to catch Gredenko. Oy, this ain't gonna work...
Mid-point thoughts- is Brady "Rain Man" Hauser going to set off protests from the IT community for it's stereotypical portrayal of social dysfunction? I mean everybody else seems to be upset with how "24" portrays them on the show...
8:28-8:34PM
Jack's new partner- Brady the Wonder-Boy! Man, Jack goes from a Chinese prison to handling idiot-savants. And the patience he's exhibiting is... super-human. Come on, Jack, just yell "Dammit!" at Brady once... please! I know, that's a mean wish, but I'm like that sometimes. And Gredenko "knows" about Brady. Man, that sucks.
Interesting stuff going down at CTU. This guy is setting up Doyle! And what's going on with Morris? Wah? Okay, so Doyle was not covering up Nadia's innocence. Me confused. Milo and Doyle are friends? Doyle is an okay guy? Johnson is a dead-duck! Man, what DID happen in Denver. Very confusing stuff...
Okay, FYI, comments are not working well tonight. Blogger is all messed up.
8:38-8:49PM
A non-sweaty Nadia. Boo!!!! Oh she's definitely not smiling. Buchanan: "We need you, Nadia." Hell yeah! How about she takes a shower? Just a quick scene. And Chloe is busting Milo's chops. Ah, Chloe, they need to give you 1,000% more dialogue. Now, Milo is going to make his move... Ohh, another "Dammit!" Oh DAMN! Mercy, turn on the AC in CTU, it's gettin' hot in here! Come on, Nadia, I'm a million times more virile and willing to stick up for you. I always thought you were innocent, Nadia! Milo is a punk! Damn... they're gonna be an item... oh well.
Back at the Sub-White House... Sandra tells Karen that David was a better man than everybody in the family. Yeah. We know. Wayne is crashing! David would have come out of that coma no problemo.
"Dammit" again from Jack. But he didn't yell it at Brady. That doesn't count! Man, Jack is so gentle. It's like he's a completely different person. Did he volunteer with the handicapped back in college? Brady is pooping his pants. Get that guy some cheese balls- STAT!
Charlie Team can't get a line of sight! Come on, Rain Man! Move! MOVE! Come on, cheese balls! Oh yeah!!! THAT was vintage Bauer.
And sadly, Brady is a better field agent than Milo. Somebody please tell Nadia that Brady is single.
8:53-9:00PM
Jack loves Brady. That was too friggin' adorable to handle. Ok, now Gredenko is going to get the "Bauer Special." Jack ain't playing around! But Gredenko is asking for the Presidential pardon/amnesty package. Ah, naked Mandy is giggling somewhere in the Bahamas over that 'ol value meal special.
Ok, nuke time!!!!!!!! Proceed with the strike! No delays! Lennox is going to get bitten. Oh crap, they're really going to launch that nuke. Wah... WOAH- PRESIDENT PALMER IS BACK IN DA HIZZOUSE!
Somebody is about to get fired. "Noah, it's Wayne..." Do the Trump line... come on, fire the man!!! Do it! Dammit, David would have fired Noah. Come on, Wayne! Fire the dude!
Crap. Daniels is going Constitutional! Fire the man! DAMMIT!!!!
Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 11
Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and beEach week B4B will host a allowed to live another day.*Last week Jack entered the terrorist pilot center (which was only 3 blocks from CTU). While Jack shot 3 bad guys, he did not kill the third. If said bad guy dies this hour, the kill is retroactive to last week's count and will also up the counter combo.
Moles in CTU + Jack seeking revenge = kill counter bonanza.
Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner will be posted next Monday.
Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points
Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)
glockspeak (4 points)
nicky (4 points)
Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points
Winner: The Man (0 Points)
Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
Pending: Shot one more dude (1 point, +4 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
Pending: Shot one more dude (1 point, +4 combo)
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Miss Blogs4Bauer - Round 1
Hi, I am Sanjaya Malakar, the next American Idol, William Shatnerasked Ryan Seacrest to take over again this week, but Seacrest was busy so he asked Bob Barker, and Barker asked Chuck Woolery, and then Chuck asked Ryan Seacrest and then he asked me to host this week's match up of the Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest. I just hope I don't screw it up, but America loves me so it wouldn't matter much if I did.Last week we got close to 60 million votes and America decided to send Nadia Yassir to the next round with 69% of the vote!
This week's match up pairs a woman who is crazy about Jack Bauer and one that is just as crazy about cocaine. Marilyn Bauer is best known for mothering the heir to Jack Bauer's throne while Jenny McGill is best known for turning tricks behind the dumpster across the street from CTU to fund her addiction to coke, heroin, and strawberry flavored Charleston Chews. Count me in for at least two of those!
The results for this match up will be posted next Monday (4/2). The next match up will pit Evelyn Martin with Martha "I hate kiwi so much" Logan. That battle will also begin on 4/2.
Click Here for an updated bracket.
Name: Jenny McGillStatus: Dead
Occupation: Plot filler/mole enabler
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: Almeida-esq cocaine habit.
Curious detail: Her sale of Lynn's key card led to the deaths of 54 people at CTU, well 56 if you count Edgar.
Name: Marilyn BauerStatus: Widowed (and loving every moment of it)
Occupation: Raising Jack Bauer Jr.
Strengths: Instantly became everyone's favorite character after telling Jack that Audrey got a "silent clock" while trying to save him in China.
Weaknesses: Hopelessly in love with balding men.
Curious detail: Currently the only love interest of Jack's (past and present) that's still alive.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
And Now, A Message From Jack Bauer
Hello, my name is Jack Bauer, and I am a federal agent with the Counter Terrorist Unit, or CTU. Recently, I spent two years being tortured in a Chinese prison, watched helplessly as Islamic terrorists detonated a nuclear device over Los Angeles, and learned that my true love died while trying to save me. While these incidents have been traumatic, I am here to alert you to an even more frightening event; the sale of Anna Nicole Smiths' diaries.Imagine my consternation when I read this blurb at Yahoo! News:
The late Playboy model's handwritten 1992 diary was sold for $282,500 and her 1994 diary went for $230,000 in an eBay auction Thursday, plus a 20 percent buyer's premium.Certainly, someone that has done as much for this country as Ms. Smith deserves better. Her diaries belong in The Smithsonian, alongside such great American works as The Emancipation Proclamation and the original copy of RUN DMC's masterpiece "King of Rock." As a matter of fact, the $500,000 purchase price for such priceless items is an insult: I would have paid thrice that amount.
In case you haven't caught on by now, I am being completely sarcastic here.
Let me tell you what I really think about this non-story. Anna Nicole Smith became famous because she showed her cooter to the world for money! This woman is not an American icon. this woman is not a role model. This woman had little to no moral courage. At least Nina Myers kept her clothes on for her queen's ransom.
The members of CTU Los Angeles are putting our asses on the line every day for this country. We bleed, we die, we turn on each other like a bunch of high school girls, and for what? To be upstaged by some empty-headed bimbo who wrote her diary in Crayola??? I don't think so. If I want to see about mindless idiots writing mindless thoughts, I would be watching the Democrats pontificate on C-SPAN.
We don't have time to care about Anna Nicole Smith's diaries, damnit!!!
Friday, March 23, 2007
24 Caption Contest
Caption this awkward moment from 24.
Make sure you go vote for Sanjaya...I mean Nadia in this week's Miss B4B match up.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
'24' Point-Counterpoint
Counterpoint: Puny Humans Will Achieve Nothing With Their Primitive Nuclear Weaponsby Morbo.
Tremble, puny humans, and hear the Counterpoint of Morbo! Weak and inferior Earth vice-president Jim Jones is proposing a pathetic "warning shot" to deter terrorist aggression. This strategy confuses and enrages us! A warning shot only alerts the enemy to your attack. Only a tiny inferior human brain could conceive of such a useless and impotent strategy!
Morbo does not see why the puny human known as Frau Blucher is concerned about the suffering of those who will be destroyed and irradiated by the nuclear weapon. Humans do not yet know the meaning of the word, suffering. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Morbo wishes to be clear on this, it is not the use of primitive nuclear weapons Morbo objects to. It is the ineffective use of primitive nuclear weapons. Nor is Morbo concerned about human casualties. All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo! To be effective, casualties should be maximized. The destruction of the weak, but populous, human cities of Tokyo and Paris would be a much stronger show of determination and will.
Certainly, Frau Blucher will object, pointing out that Japan and France had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks.
I WILL DESTROY HER!
About the Author: Morbo is anchor for √2 News, Entertainment and Alien Invasion Tonight, Good Morning Earth, and other shows on the √2 Television Network. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife Fawn and his numerous and belligerent children. Kittens give Morbo gas.
Point: Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Aaarabs, finally!By Major T. J. "King" Kong
The Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer has been posted at B4B contributor The Jack Sack.
Next week the Carnival moves on to The New World Order. If you are interested in blowing up your site traffic by hosting the carbon-neutral Carnival of Bauer!!! send Jack Bauer an email.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
24 Point/Counterpoint
Point: Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Aaarabs, finally!By Major T. J. "King" Kong
Listen here fellas, we have been given a impor-ant task here. Vice President Daniels wants us to nuke the dang Aaarabs. All I gotta say is it's 'bout time. Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Aaarabs!
I don't give a hoot in Hell why we are a doin' it, now stop askin questions and someone get me the dang launch codes before the sun rises. My momma told me that you can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make em biscuits, meaning I'll be a spittin' cousin before I miss out on a chance to brandish some good ole American payback.
No, I don't much understand the politics behind it. Don't matter no how. All I know is that there President Palmer was makin some kinds of amends with a durn terrorist. That made as much sense as French toast sticks. Yeah, that Palmer thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow. Then he was blown up like a spring chicken on Labor Day! Yeaahhhaawww! So that makes Daniels the actin' President. Now 'scuse me, I gotta go arm 40 megatons-of-fun, so ya might want to not agitate me.
Before I let this here fly, here's somethin' to tell your thinkin' friends. There's 3 kinds of people: The ones that learn by readin', the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot. Well, it's 'bout to get real hot down there in the desert.
Counterpoint: Puny Humans Will Achieve Nothing With Their Primitive Nuclear Weaponsby Morbo.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
RFTR's Dream Come True
I'm not sure who thought putting Kim Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert) into a sandpit/basement dungeon would be a good idea for a movie, but I would venture a guess that RFTR is somehow involved.Actually, if she is performing her craft, or just stuck in a sandpit for the entire length of the film, is there any difference in her acting?
(H/T - Bob from Delaware)
TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 7:00 pm and 8:00 pm
07:00:00 to 07:10:47
Outside the Russian consulate... body bags... lots and lots of body bags. It's like they were hosting The Source Hip-Hop Awards. Back at CTU, they are pointing satellites at the desert looking for drones. The the nuclear-armed stealth kind, not the Borg kind. In the Desert, where night has suddenly fallen between last hour and this one, Whistler and Nagonaworkhere prepare to launch the only drone they've got ready to go. It will be remote controlled by some Russian dude with a Nintendo Wii.
Chiggy and Al Bundy have detected the drone on satellite, and determined it's headed for downtown L.A. Then Al Bundy loses the drone, because the Russians have hacked CTU and disrupted their tracking capability. Real nice freakin' security upgrade, RPF.
07:15:12 to 07:24:13
RPF determines that if the drone had been headed to L.A., it would have gone off by now. So, they're good. Jack and Ricky Stratton show up at CTU. Chiggy wants Jack to go to medical and tend to his wounds, but Jack decides to run over and see Patsy Ramsay Bauer instead. Jack tells Patsy he still has feelings for Audrey. Patsy tells him, "Oh, forget about the Welsh tart. She's dead. But I'm alive... and I'm all woman." Jack goes into CTU and yells at RPF. "Why didn't anyone tell me Patsy was a woman?" Jack demands to see the file on Audrey's death. RPF protests, "But I've almost found the nuclear drone." Jack: "Forget about the drone. Bring me the file."
Weasel Cage gives Frau Blucher a warm welcome upon her return to the batcave ... about as warm as Pat Buchanan welcoming Elinor Clift to a United Jewish Appeal fundraiser. Jim Jones convenes his meeting with the JCS "OK, here's the long and the short of it, if that nuclear bomb detonates in US territory, we're gonna uncork some bottled sunshine over Durkadurkastan."
A creepy wheelchair-bound scientist explains the plan. "Mr. President, deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the FEAR to attack. Mein fuhrer... I mean, Mr. President, ve can achieve your results by nuking a small area near zeir norzern border. Ze casualties zhould be limited to some 2000 goatherders und zeir families."
During the break, there's a commercial for Michael Jackson's new show, "Are You Hotter than a Fifth Grader?"
07:28:36 to 07:34:55
RPF is once again closing in on the drone's position, but Kemper pulls her off so she can see if Al Bundy's been drinkin'. Priorities. RPF gives Bundy an open-mouthed kiss, "He's clean." Chiggy makes a note to put Chloe in charge of drug screening for new CTU recruits.
Back in the Batcave, Frau Blucher is opposed to the president's plan and tries to win over Weasel Cage. "This is not what President Belushi would have wanted." Weasel Cage reminds her of Belushi's track record, turning loose the terrorist, getting Valencia nuked, and besides... "the vice president makes a mean cup of grape Kool-Aid."
At CTU, after being called away to make coffee, run out to Taco Bell for snacks, and pick up Chiggy's dry cleaning, RPF has finally figured out that a mole has enabled the ♫drone operator♫ to see where they are searching before they search it, and pilot the drone away from the satellite track. The leak is coming from Awana Fuqya's computer. Awana gets hauled away by CTU Security goons, apparently wearing hand-me-downs from the Love Boat, and Kemper is stunned.
Meanwhile, Whistler and Nagonaworkhere decide the drone will detonate over San Francisco right about at the top of the hour. San Franciscans panic over the lack of time to organize an appeasement demonstration.
07:39:22 to 07:46:48
Frau Blucher checks on President Belushi and is informed he's in a coma. Frau Blucher wants to wake him up. The doctor rolls his eyes, "Didn't you hear me, I said he was in a coma?"
Kemper is all moony over Awana Fuqya, who is being interrogated by Ricky Stratton. Kemper is SO jealous, but Awana isn't impressed. "Jack would have pulled out my fingernails by now." Meanwhile, Al Bundy has located the place the signal is being fed back to. It's conveniently close to CTU and has excellent parking. Kemper tells Ricky Stratton the location of the feed, and Ricky skips off like the happy little tow-headed boy he is.
Nearby, Jack is all moony over Audrey's file. Then, he sees a tactical team deploying and asks where they're going. A tactical dude gives him the thumb's up. "Kegger at the drone pilot's house." Jack asks Chloe for a PDA and a phone. Chiggy tells him he's still injured and not to go, but Jack's all about avenging Audrey's death and stuff.
07:50:54 to 07:59:59
Jack and Ricky Stratton... gotta call them, Bacardi and Bud Light .... move in on the hideout (which must have been, like, across the street from CTU) shooting Russkis as they go. They soon reach the control room, where the ♫drone operator♫ cowers behind the control panel. Bud Light shoots him, and Bacardi takes over the controls. Since the bomb is GPS controlled, it will only detonate once it reaches its target. Jack tries desperately to steer it away.
Leslie Nielsen pokes his head in to say, "I just want you to know, we're all counting on you."
Jacks steers the drone away at the last second and crash lands it in an industrial park. The nuke is on fire, but not going off. Ann Coulter delivers the news that the nuke didn't go off to the president. She's disappointed. "That would have killed millions of faggots." Jim Jones is disappointed, but decides. "Aw, hell, let's nuke 'em anyway!"
Tick-Tock
Outside the Russian consulate... body bags... lots and lots of body bags. It's like they were hosting The Source Hip-Hop Awards. Back at CTU, they are pointing satellites at the desert looking for drones. The the nuclear-armed stealth kind, not the Borg kind. In the Desert, where night has suddenly fallen between last hour and this one, Whistler and Nagonaworkhere prepare to launch the only drone they've got ready to go. It will be remote controlled by some Russian dude with a Nintendo Wii.
♫"No need to ask, he's a drone operator...Meanwhile, RPF who was upgrading security systems -- which they apparently do every couple of hours and yet still not often enough at CTU -- and noticed that Awana Fugya was using Kemper's security code, she tells them that it's a felony breach of security, but then Kemper gives her the Puss'n'Boots face. RPF says, "Oh, I can't report you," The same trick worked with Sandy Berger.
drone... operator..." ♫
Chiggy and Al Bundy have detected the drone on satellite, and determined it's headed for downtown L.A. Then Al Bundy loses the drone, because the Russians have hacked CTU and disrupted their tracking capability. Real nice freakin' security upgrade, RPF.
07:15:12 to 07:24:13
RPF determines that if the drone had been headed to L.A., it would have gone off by now. So, they're good. Jack and Ricky Stratton show up at CTU. Chiggy wants Jack to go to medical and tend to his wounds, but Jack decides to run over and see Patsy Ramsay Bauer instead. Jack tells Patsy he still has feelings for Audrey. Patsy tells him, "Oh, forget about the Welsh tart. She's dead. But I'm alive... and I'm all woman." Jack goes into CTU and yells at RPF. "Why didn't anyone tell me Patsy was a woman?" Jack demands to see the file on Audrey's death. RPF protests, "But I've almost found the nuclear drone." Jack: "Forget about the drone. Bring me the file."
Weasel Cage gives Frau Blucher a warm welcome upon her return to the batcave ... about as warm as Pat Buchanan welcoming Elinor Clift to a United Jewish Appeal fundraiser. Jim Jones convenes his meeting with the JCS "OK, here's the long and the short of it, if that nuclear bomb detonates in US territory, we're gonna uncork some bottled sunshine over Durkadurkastan."
A creepy wheelchair-bound scientist explains the plan. "Mr. President, deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the FEAR to attack. Mein fuhrer... I mean, Mr. President, ve can achieve your results by nuking a small area near zeir norzern border. Ze casualties zhould be limited to some 2000 goatherders und zeir families."During the break, there's a commercial for Michael Jackson's new show, "Are You Hotter than a Fifth Grader?"
07:28:36 to 07:34:55
RPF is once again closing in on the drone's position, but Kemper pulls her off so she can see if Al Bundy's been drinkin'. Priorities. RPF gives Bundy an open-mouthed kiss, "He's clean." Chiggy makes a note to put Chloe in charge of drug screening for new CTU recruits.
Back in the Batcave, Frau Blucher is opposed to the president's plan and tries to win over Weasel Cage. "This is not what President Belushi would have wanted." Weasel Cage reminds her of Belushi's track record, turning loose the terrorist, getting Valencia nuked, and besides... "the vice president makes a mean cup of grape Kool-Aid."
At CTU, after being called away to make coffee, run out to Taco Bell for snacks, and pick up Chiggy's dry cleaning, RPF has finally figured out that a mole has enabled the ♫drone operator♫ to see where they are searching before they search it, and pilot the drone away from the satellite track. The leak is coming from Awana Fuqya's computer. Awana gets hauled away by CTU Security goons, apparently wearing hand-me-downs from the Love Boat, and Kemper is stunned.
Meanwhile, Whistler and Nagonaworkhere decide the drone will detonate over San Francisco right about at the top of the hour. San Franciscans panic over the lack of time to organize an appeasement demonstration.
07:39:22 to 07:46:48
Frau Blucher checks on President Belushi and is informed he's in a coma. Frau Blucher wants to wake him up. The doctor rolls his eyes, "Didn't you hear me, I said he was in a coma?"
Kemper is all moony over Awana Fuqya, who is being interrogated by Ricky Stratton. Kemper is SO jealous, but Awana isn't impressed. "Jack would have pulled out my fingernails by now." Meanwhile, Al Bundy has located the place the signal is being fed back to. It's conveniently close to CTU and has excellent parking. Kemper tells Ricky Stratton the location of the feed, and Ricky skips off like the happy little tow-headed boy he is.
Nearby, Jack is all moony over Audrey's file. Then, he sees a tactical team deploying and asks where they're going. A tactical dude gives him the thumb's up. "Kegger at the drone pilot's house." Jack asks Chloe for a PDA and a phone. Chiggy tells him he's still injured and not to go, but Jack's all about avenging Audrey's death and stuff.
07:50:54 to 07:59:59
Jack and Ricky Stratton... gotta call them, Bacardi and Bud Light .... move in on the hideout (which must have been, like, across the street from CTU) shooting Russkis as they go. They soon reach the control room, where the ♫drone operator♫ cowers behind the control panel. Bud Light shoots him, and Bacardi takes over the controls. Since the bomb is GPS controlled, it will only detonate once it reaches its target. Jack tries desperately to steer it away.
Leslie Nielsen pokes his head in to say, "I just want you to know, we're all counting on you."
Jacks steers the drone away at the last second and crash lands it in an industrial park. The nuke is on fire, but not going off. Ann Coulter delivers the news that the nuke didn't go off to the president. She's disappointed. "That would have killed millions of faggots." Jim Jones is disappointed, but decides. "Aw, hell, let's nuke 'em anyway!"
Tick-Tock
Monday, March 19, 2007
LiveBlogging 7:00PM - 8:00PM
Good evening, everyone! My name is Wyatt Earp, and - like Fantasy Island's Mr. Rourke - I will be your host for the next hour. So, sit back, have a Fresca, and prepare for another Jack-tastic episode of our favorite program. I'm all Jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!
7:00pm - VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. God, I love hearing that! Where do I get one of those blue CTU windbreakers? I'm sorry; did Silver Spoons just verbally beyotch-slap Jack? DEATH BY HANGING!!!
7:04pm - Boris the Blade is a panicky little Russkie, isn't he? I heard less bitching during Hillary Clinton's announcement speech. And I hate to sound blasphemous, but that drone launch looked a tad cheesy.
7:07pm - Milo looks like he needs a visit from Sexual Harassment Panda. Nadia may not smile at work, but does she smile in the boudoir? How funny is it that Chloe becomes the female c**k-blocker even after she's getting some on a regular basis?
7:09pm - General Charlton Heston has everything under control. Uh, never mind. This stealth nuclear drone is proudly brought to you by McDonnell Douglas.
7:10pm - Commercial break. AND THE COMMERCIALS ARE LOUD!!! While we're on a break, may I suggest you vote in this week's Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest? Nadia is cleaning up, so Dina could use a pity vote. And speaking of pity, feel free to stop by B4B contributor RFTR's blog as well. Don't cost nothin'.
7:15pm - Hey, Marilyn is back. Maybe now is the time to tell Jack that he is Josh's father? Of course, the pull-away makes me think Jack is not very Jack-like as of late . . .
7:17pm - YES! YES!! YES!!! AUDREY IS DEAD!!! DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD! WHICH OLD WITCH? THE WICKED WITCH!!! SO LONG, PENIS-NOSE!!!
I'm sorry. I'm having a moment here. I couldn't stand that broad.
7:20pm - Oh goodie, Karen Hayes is back. 24 fans, I give you the heir to Audrey Raines' annoying throne. Can't stand her, either. Curly Bill is about to turn Karen Hayes' forehead into a canoe. I can't wait . . . We're nuking the A-rabs; now what's for lunch?
7:24pm - Commercial break. Let's all do the Safety Dance! Audrey Raines is dead! Does anyone watch the Fox series Bones? It looks REALLY insipid. Yes, insipid. It's a word: look it up! Oh, and Captain Den rules!!! (There, Den, you owe me a cheesesteak.)
7:28pm - Swell. Now Chloe has a Budweiser after-taste. Is anyone getting sick and tired of the Tom and Karen foreplay? It's like watching Hannity and Colmes.
7:30pm - Okay, who called the mole? I gotta admit, I'm getting sick of moles every season as well. CTU has more moles than Cindy Crawford. And while I'm venting, where the hell is Jack? His screen time has been way down the last three weeks. Weak.
7:33pm - Nadia is obviously NOT the mole. They never get it right the first time. In an unrelated matter, here's a picture of Kim Bauer!
7:35pm - Commercial break. Talk about Kim Bauer amongst yourselves. Then discuss how we feel about San Francisco's annihilation. Personally, I don't feel too bad about it . . . but I've been told I am a cynical person.
7:39pm - Karen is going to heal Wayne Palmer. She's going to use her Hippie Force powers. And now she wants to revive Palmer while he's trying to recuperate? They did that already when they tried to revive Roseanne's daughter when militants bombed CTU (Season 2), remember?
7:41pm - Torture time. Does Silver Spoons' torture count on our Kill Counter? See, if Milo said "I believe you, honey" he wouldn't be sleeping alone with his sling for the next few weeks. Idiot.
7:43pm - Who else cheered when they saw Audrey's crime scene photos? It's okay, you can raise your hands. And, lookee, lookee, Jack is back. Remember Jack Bauer . . . THE HERO OF THIS SHOW??? No one wants to watch little Ricky play Jack Bauer. No one.
Of course, a saving grace of Audrey's death is the possibility of seeing Jack hunt down the killers like a dog . . .
7:46pm - Commercial break. Sit back and be force-fed lame Fox show trailers. Or better yet, watch a Florida Tourism commercial. Isn't that the state too dumb to pop out a chad?
7:51pm - Who is this Muslim guy? Oh yeah, it's Fayed, we just haven't seen him in quite some time.
POP! Update that Kill Counter, kids! And POP! again . . . and again. Looks like Jack better bone up on his RPG maneuvers. Thank God he spent his prison time playing Medal of Honor.
Jack, can you land the drone at Cindy Sheehan's house? Okay, how did the bomb NOT detonate? LAME! We almost lost San Francisco. DAMNIT!
7:57pm - The missiles launch in ten minutes . . . Someone notify Marko Ramius. We have a job for him. It involves driving one of our Ohios somewhere near the Persian Gulf.
8:00pm -Next week's episode looks good. Good, but not great, since Uner-bitch Sandra Palmer returns. We'll see.
Thanks, gang! It's been great! I'm out, enjoy The Ramones!
7:00pm - VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. God, I love hearing that! Where do I get one of those blue CTU windbreakers? I'm sorry; did Silver Spoons just verbally beyotch-slap Jack? DEATH BY HANGING!!!
7:04pm - Boris the Blade is a panicky little Russkie, isn't he? I heard less bitching during Hillary Clinton's announcement speech. And I hate to sound blasphemous, but that drone launch looked a tad cheesy.
7:07pm - Milo looks like he needs a visit from Sexual Harassment Panda. Nadia may not smile at work, but does she smile in the boudoir? How funny is it that Chloe becomes the female c**k-blocker even after she's getting some on a regular basis?
7:09pm - General Charlton Heston has everything under control. Uh, never mind. This stealth nuclear drone is proudly brought to you by McDonnell Douglas.
7:10pm - Commercial break. AND THE COMMERCIALS ARE LOUD!!! While we're on a break, may I suggest you vote in this week's Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest? Nadia is cleaning up, so Dina could use a pity vote. And speaking of pity, feel free to stop by B4B contributor RFTR's blog as well. Don't cost nothin'.
7:15pm - Hey, Marilyn is back. Maybe now is the time to tell Jack that he is Josh's father? Of course, the pull-away makes me think Jack is not very Jack-like as of late . . .
7:17pm - YES! YES!! YES!!! AUDREY IS DEAD!!! DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD! WHICH OLD WITCH? THE WICKED WITCH!!! SO LONG, PENIS-NOSE!!!
I'm sorry. I'm having a moment here. I couldn't stand that broad.
7:20pm - Oh goodie, Karen Hayes is back. 24 fans, I give you the heir to Audrey Raines' annoying throne. Can't stand her, either. Curly Bill is about to turn Karen Hayes' forehead into a canoe. I can't wait . . . We're nuking the A-rabs; now what's for lunch?
7:24pm - Commercial break. Let's all do the Safety Dance! Audrey Raines is dead! Does anyone watch the Fox series Bones? It looks REALLY insipid. Yes, insipid. It's a word: look it up! Oh, and Captain Den rules!!! (There, Den, you owe me a cheesesteak.)
7:28pm - Swell. Now Chloe has a Budweiser after-taste. Is anyone getting sick and tired of the Tom and Karen foreplay? It's like watching Hannity and Colmes.
7:30pm - Okay, who called the mole? I gotta admit, I'm getting sick of moles every season as well. CTU has more moles than Cindy Crawford. And while I'm venting, where the hell is Jack? His screen time has been way down the last three weeks. Weak.
7:33pm - Nadia is obviously NOT the mole. They never get it right the first time. In an unrelated matter, here's a picture of Kim Bauer!
7:35pm - Commercial break. Talk about Kim Bauer amongst yourselves. Then discuss how we feel about San Francisco's annihilation. Personally, I don't feel too bad about it . . . but I've been told I am a cynical person.7:39pm - Karen is going to heal Wayne Palmer. She's going to use her Hippie Force powers. And now she wants to revive Palmer while he's trying to recuperate? They did that already when they tried to revive Roseanne's daughter when militants bombed CTU (Season 2), remember?
7:41pm - Torture time. Does Silver Spoons' torture count on our Kill Counter? See, if Milo said "I believe you, honey" he wouldn't be sleeping alone with his sling for the next few weeks. Idiot.
7:43pm - Who else cheered when they saw Audrey's crime scene photos? It's okay, you can raise your hands. And, lookee, lookee, Jack is back. Remember Jack Bauer . . . THE HERO OF THIS SHOW??? No one wants to watch little Ricky play Jack Bauer. No one.
Of course, a saving grace of Audrey's death is the possibility of seeing Jack hunt down the killers like a dog . . .
7:46pm - Commercial break. Sit back and be force-fed lame Fox show trailers. Or better yet, watch a Florida Tourism commercial. Isn't that the state too dumb to pop out a chad?
7:51pm - Who is this Muslim guy? Oh yeah, it's Fayed, we just haven't seen him in quite some time.
POP! Update that Kill Counter, kids! And POP! again . . . and again. Looks like Jack better bone up on his RPG maneuvers. Thank God he spent his prison time playing Medal of Honor.
Jack, can you land the drone at Cindy Sheehan's house? Okay, how did the bomb NOT detonate? LAME! We almost lost San Francisco. DAMNIT!
7:57pm - The missiles launch in ten minutes . . . Someone notify Marko Ramius. We have a job for him. It involves driving one of our Ohios somewhere near the Persian Gulf.
8:00pm -Next week's episode looks good. Good, but not great, since Uner-bitch Sandra Palmer returns. We'll see.
Thanks, gang! It's been great! I'm out, enjoy The Ramones!
Talkin' 24
You've watched 24. You've Blogged and read about and commented on 24. Now you can talk about 24! I've started broadcasting at BlogTalkRadio.com twice each week on a show I call First Cup Radio. The show airs live on Tuesday and Thursday mornings at 6:00am.
Here's the part about 24: Every Tuesday morning I'll be recapping the previous night's episode, and you can call in. The call in number is (718) 664-9725. You can click on the button to find out more about First Cup Radio.
I know. I know. It's 6:00am. Get over it. I'm up every morning at 4:30, and Jack's going to be up for at least another 10 hours himself. See you then.
(While I'm in pimpin' mode, don't forget about Forums4Bauer.)
< /pimpin >
Here's the part about 24: Every Tuesday morning I'll be recapping the previous night's episode, and you can call in. The call in number is (718) 664-9725. You can click on the button to find out more about First Cup Radio.
I know. I know. It's 6:00am. Get over it. I'm up every morning at 4:30, and Jack's going to be up for at least another 10 hours himself. See you then.
(While I'm in pimpin' mode, don't forget about Forums4Bauer.)
< /pimpin >
Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 10
Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.Last week, Ricky Shroder and Jack proved that the writers of 24 have not forgotten how to lay down a few bodies. For those of you counting at home, Jack has now invaded 2 foreign consulates. Will Jack continue his blood lust this week? Will Putin slip some plutonium in Jack's coffee?
Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner will be posted next Monday.
Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points
Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)
glockspeak (4 points)
nicky (4 points)
Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points
Winner: The Man (0 Points)
Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
Friday, March 16, 2007
24 Caption Contest
Caption this scene from last week's episode of 24.
Make sure to vote in this week's Miss Blogs4Bauer matchup.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest - Round 1
Ryan Seacrest's reign of terror is over. The Shat is back! And, between you and me, that Mandy is one real go-getter. She saw a hot lesbian, and she would go get her! She saw another, and she would go get her! It almost made the Shat Master 2000 question his masculinity . . . but I digress.Last week's contest was a slugfest, and after a runoff vote, Teri Bauer barely outran the delicious Collette Stenger, 51% to 49%. Wow, losing to a dead woman, were the Chicago and Philadelphia Democrats the only ones voting?
Click Here for an updated bracket.
The next match up will be posted next Monday (3/26) will be Marilyn Bauer against Jenny McGill.
Here is this week's tale of the tape:
Name: Dina Araz.Status: Worm food.
Occupation: Terrorist housewife.
Strengths: Diabolical, maniacal, murdered her son's American girlfriend.
Weaknesses: Love for her pansy son got her killed.
Curious detail: She poisoned her son's girlfriend without blinking an eye, but didn't have the grapes to pull the trigger on Jack Bauer.
Name: Nadia Yassir.Status: Yummy.
Occupation: CTU's Token Muslim.
Strengths: Stern, solemn, never shows cleavage.
Weaknesses: Liberal hippie tendencies, easily manipulated, never shows cleavage.
Curious Detail: Has never smiled. Not once. Not even after watching Family Guy.
The Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! has posted at Certified Random.
Next week the Carnival will be hosted at The Jack Sack. If you would like to host a future carnival send an email to Jack Bauer.
Kiwi Fruit Organization protests "24"
On Tuesday, the World Alliance for the Cultivation of Kiwis and Yams (WACKY) issued a terse statement in protest of "24's" apparent misrepresentation of kiwi fruit onscreen. In part, WACKY stated "The mishandling of kiwi fruit by the show's producers and writers only serves to foment further kiwi-hatred within America. The show even went so far to implicate a kiwi fruit in the murder of a former U.S. President." Specifically, there is a scene in Monday's episode where former First Lady Martha Logan throws a kiwi at her ex-husband and in a flurry of activity that soon followed, Charles ends up with a knife in his shoulder. While video playback shows Martha stabbing Charles, it is not clear if the kiwi fruit was holding Charles down while this happened. Many viewers believe the kiwi was working with Martha.WACKY cites nationwide riots at kiwi fruit stands all week as being a direct result of "24" and its portrayal of the fuzzy, squishy fruit. Standing in solidarity with its kiwi brethren are the Yams of America. Yams, who have been fighting their own battle in recent years to politically distinguish themselves from their more controversial cousins, the Sweet Potatoes, reaffirmed their dedication to peaceful protests. "Every Thanksgiving, we have to mount our own campaign to undo the misinformation spread about our group. We know how it feels to be unfairly associated with rotten fruits and vegetables. We're here to tell this country that kiwi fruit are non-violent. No American kiwi would ever try to assassinate a former leader of this great country."
Despite their efforts, pictures often carry greater weight than the spoken word. And the image of a kiwi violently attacking a former president is too difficult to ignore. One anonymous kiwi told us "They should be having parades for us, we killed one of the worst men to ever lead this country." And it's quotes like that which make us doubt the kiwis public declarations of peace.Editor's Note: This article was written with the aid of NyQuil Cherry Flavor moonshine- err medication!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
24 Point/Counterpoint
Counterpoint: Yo, you bitchez are crazy!By: Flavor Flav
Yyeeeeaaahhh booii! What's with all these crazy white bitchez and knives?
Yo Martha is one f-ed up woman, know what I'm sayin? Now she rests up in some loony bin with that red-headed white boy and he allows her to play with cutlery? What is up wit that? Yo, you bitchez are crazy, it's time to bounce.
Martha, give me my damn clock back before you hurt someone wit it. Only someone as crazy as you would have the screws so loose that you would serve up a brother some kiwis before stabbing him in the freaking neck! You can count me out for Thanksgiving dinner woman!
Lorena Bobbit, Annie Wilkes, and now Martha Logan. All as crazy as a two dollar bill! Agent Pierce better put The Club up on the knife drawer or his days could be numbered too. Yo!
Personally I think Martha has a chemical imbalance, too much gin and not enough juice. Ladies, I gotta holla at New York, I'll take plain crazy over crazy and armed any day.
Point: Martha Logan, I'm Your Number 1 Fan!by Annie Wilkes
24 Point/Counterpoint
Point: Martha Logan, I'm Your Number 1 Fan!by Annie Wilkes
You're right, sister, they should have given you a medal. Charles Logan was just another lying ol' dirty birdy. I've been wanting to kill Charles ever since he tried to kill that nice Secretary of Defense Heller.
But, honestly, that was kind of a cheat. When Logan stuck him in a car on that mountain road and had his guards chase him off a cliff before he could escape! And the car crashed into the sea. I was so upset and excited. But then, they called CTU and said he was alive! And everybody cheered! But I didn't cheer. I stood right up and started shouting. They just cheated us! This isn't fair! HE DIDN'T GET OUT OF THE COCK - A - DOODIE CAR!
I wish Marilyn Bauer had taken care of business the way you did, instead of getting even with Graem by sleeping with Jack and bearing his blond bastard child. It lacks nobility. In fact, Marilyn Bauer's a dirty-birdy whore, and you should probably do something about that.
That Morris O'Brien is a no-good dirty birdy, too. And he drinks, and then he lies about it. If he's too valuable to CTU, you could always break both his ankles with a sledge hammer, so he can still work at his cockie doodie computer, but he won't run away or drink again.
And you should make sure you keep that Aaron Pierce on a short leash. You g
o out of your way for him! You do everything to try and make him happy. And what thanks do you get? "Oh, you shouldn't have stabbed the president, Martha. You have to control your temper, Martha!" Well... I'll control my stupid temper, but you just better start showing me a little appreciation around here, Mr.
But one thing I would never do is pull Jack Bauer out of a car wreck and nurse him back to health. Oh, it would be nice at first. The house would be full of romance, and I'd get out my Liberace records. But, in the end, he'd just wait until my guard was down and bite me in the neck.
And that would be just oogie.
Counterpoint: Yo, you bitchez are crazy!By: Flavor Flav
The Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (3/15). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (3/14).This week, the Carnival travels to Certified Random.
If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 6:00 pm and 7:00 pm
06:00:00 to 06:15:55
Obi-Wan is hanging out at CTU, where he is understandably not very popular, owing to the whole Tex-Mex gas thing last year that killed Truffle Shuffle. RPF drops by and tells him Jack is still being held prisoners by the Russkis. RPF then says she is "feeling ambivalent," and leaves to go make out with Awana Fuqya.
Well, in my fantasy, that's how the scene played out.
Kemper argues with Ricky Stratton over whether it's a good idea to invade the Russian consulate just to rescue Jack. Ricky tells him, "Liberating Jack is a secondary goal. Mainly, we're in it to impress the chicks. O'Doyle rules!" Kemper calls Ricky a jerk and alludes to something that happened years ago in South Park. Chiggy Killer settles their hash, "It's ultimately up to the vice president. But he'll dig it. He's all about impressing the chicks."
The Russian dude who whacked off Deadmeatsky announces that he is "terminating the American." But Jack whips off his belt and beats him like Bing Crosby. Then, Jack shoots him and escapes through the instrument storage room used by the Russian consulate marching band. Jack hides in a tuba case until the guards leave, then finds a phone and tries to call Al Bundy. He says to Bundy he knows where Whistler and the nukes are, but then Ivana Jackoff cuts off the phone line. So, Jack pisses onto the power junction box and takes out power to the embassy.
Back at CTU, Obi-Wan Logan wants to know if he can help. Now that they know Jack knows where the nukes are, they have an excuse to extract him. Obi-Wan says raiding the consulate is a bad idea. "Got anything better?" Chiggy snarls at him. Obi-Wan does. "Check with my crazy wife. She can get the Russians to help." Seems Mary Todd and Anya Subaru, the wife of the Russian president, are soul sisters.
Then, Al Bundy mouths off to Ricky Stratton. Big mistake. Ricky Stratton grabs Al Bundy by the neck, punches him out, and then bitches out the entire CTU. "I have 25 soldiers about to put their asses on the line. I don't have time for anybody's personality disorder." Then, he adds, "O'Doyle rules!"
Back a the Batcave, Jim Jones asks Weasel Cage to lie about seeing Bashir plant the bomb. Weasel Cage balks at that, so Jim Jones pours him a tall cool glass of Kool-Aid. "Just tell the ambassador that you saw Bashir plant the bomb." Weasel Cage agrees to think about it, and Jim Jones yells, "Oh, Yeah!" and instructs his top aide, Ann Coulter, to tell DOJ that Weasel Cage is cool and had no role in the assassination attempt. "You are one lucky faggot," Ann Coulter tells him.
06:20:22 to 06:26:28
At the boneyard, Sameer Nagonaworkhere, the terrorist, shows up with the bombs. Just to make sure the audience doesn't forget about the terrorists or the nukes.
Chiggy brings Jim Jones up to speed on the plan to invade the consulate. Jim Jones doesn't think either the tactical assault or the getting Obi-Wan's crazy wife to talk to President Subaru will work, but he authorizes both plans because, compared to sending every Muslim in North America to a concentration camp and nuking the hell out of the Middle East, invading the Russian Consulate is no big.
Then, back at wherever Mary Todd Logan is, Red Foreman shows up with a bag of groceries and her favorite magazines... Crazy Ex-First Lady Monthly, Middle-Aged Whackjob Weekly, Deranged Ex-Wife Journal, O... He's also brought TP for her bungalow. Then, Obi-Wan calls, but Mary Todd doesn't want to speak to him. "She doesn't want to talk to you, dumbass," Foreman tells Obi-Wan. "Tell her it's about the Subarus," Obi-Wan replies. "I don't want to talk about any ugly-ass Tribeca!" Mary Todd insists. She gets on the phone with him but quickly loses it. So, Obi-Wan decides he's going to come visit her.
06:31:04 to 06:37:35
Four and a half minutes later, Obi-Wan is airborne. Chiggy reiterates to him that the only way to avoid war with the Russians is for him to get Mary Todd to call Mrs Subaru. The helo soon lands outside her bungalow "You have to call Mrs. Subaru and get the Russian president to surrender Jackoff to CTU, because he was the one who provided the nukes to the terrorists."
"That's funny," Mary Todd says. "Because in Soviet Russia, terrorists provide nukes to you." Then, she agrees to make the call if someone will "fix me a gawdam drink."
Meantime, Jack comes across across a Russian couple we'll call Boris and Natasha making out in the communication room. They think he's already killed a Russki, and they're right they just don't know which one, but it does make Boris more cooperative about fetching Jack a cell phone while Jack holds a gun on Natasha.
06:42:02 to 06:48:52
Ricky Stratton's strike team speeds to the Russian consulate, but their truck hits a banana peel and they're all killed. (j/k)
Meanwhile, Jim Jones meets with the Ambassador from Durka Durkastan. "I have a carrier group ready to rain fiery death on your cities unless you help us find those other nukes before they go off," Jim Jones warns him. Ann Coulter adds that the survivors will be forced to convert to Christianity.
They try to connect Mary Todd to Mrs. Subaru, but Mrs. Subaru is in the middle of giving a speech. So, they have to wait. Mary Todd sits on Red Foreman's lap. "Does it bother you to see me with another man?" "Sure does, crazy lady," Obi-Wan tells her. So, she goes into the kitchen and starts viciously chopping vegetables with a knife and ranting about what an evil man he is.In short, acting just exactly like my brother's first wife, or Martha Stewart when Jane Clayson asked her about her stock deal. Then, Mary Todd stabs Obi-Wan in the shoulder with the knife, which comes as a total shock to anyone who didn't see the previews last week.
06:53:14 to 06:59:59
Obi-Wan is wheeled out of the bungalow and into a waiting ambulance. Mary Todd doesn't see what she did wrong. Lorena Bobbitt offers to explain it to her. Then, CTU puts her through to Mrs Subaru. Mary Todd tells her, "I just killed my husband. You're next." Persuaded by her plea, President Subaru calls the consulate and orders Jackoff to surrender and turn over Jack Bauer unharmed, but Jackoff refuses, explaining, "In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer surrenders you." So, Subaru approves of the incursion into the Russian embassy.
Boris returns with the cell phone, but he is followed by Jackoff's thugs, who come in and start shooting up the place. Jack manages to hold off the entire consulate security force and their Kalishnakovs with a single handgun and a belt. Then, Ricky Stratton leads his teams of chubby red-haired CTU agents to assault the embassy, and soon the sidewalks run red with pink commie blood. Sensing the end is near, Jackoff calls Whistler and tells him he has to launch now. Then, one of the tactical team shoots Jackoff in the gut.
Back at the Boneyard, Sameer Nagonaworkhere announces that the drone is ready for launch and orders the bomb armed.
In the ambulance, Obi-Wan Logan flatlines.
Tick-Tock
Obi-Wan is hanging out at CTU, where he is understandably not very popular, owing to the whole Tex-Mex gas thing last year that killed Truffle Shuffle. RPF drops by and tells him Jack is still being held prisoners by the Russkis. RPF then says she is "feeling ambivalent," and leaves to go make out with Awana Fuqya.
Well, in my fantasy, that's how the scene played out.
Kemper argues with Ricky Stratton over whether it's a good idea to invade the Russian consulate just to rescue Jack. Ricky tells him, "Liberating Jack is a secondary goal. Mainly, we're in it to impress the chicks. O'Doyle rules!" Kemper calls Ricky a jerk and alludes to something that happened years ago in South Park. Chiggy Killer settles their hash, "It's ultimately up to the vice president. But he'll dig it. He's all about impressing the chicks."
The Russian dude who whacked off Deadmeatsky announces that he is "terminating the American." But Jack whips off his belt and beats him like Bing Crosby. Then, Jack shoots him and escapes through the instrument storage room used by the Russian consulate marching band. Jack hides in a tuba case until the guards leave, then finds a phone and tries to call Al Bundy. He says to Bundy he knows where Whistler and the nukes are, but then Ivana Jackoff cuts off the phone line. So, Jack pisses onto the power junction box and takes out power to the embassy.
Back at CTU, Obi-Wan Logan wants to know if he can help. Now that they know Jack knows where the nukes are, they have an excuse to extract him. Obi-Wan says raiding the consulate is a bad idea. "Got anything better?" Chiggy snarls at him. Obi-Wan does. "Check with my crazy wife. She can get the Russians to help." Seems Mary Todd and Anya Subaru, the wife of the Russian president, are soul sisters.
Then, Al Bundy mouths off to Ricky Stratton. Big mistake. Ricky Stratton grabs Al Bundy by the neck, punches him out, and then bitches out the entire CTU. "I have 25 soldiers about to put their asses on the line. I don't have time for anybody's personality disorder." Then, he adds, "O'Doyle rules!"
Back a the Batcave, Jim Jones asks Weasel Cage to lie about seeing Bashir plant the bomb. Weasel Cage balks at that, so Jim Jones pours him a tall cool glass of Kool-Aid. "Just tell the ambassador that you saw Bashir plant the bomb." Weasel Cage agrees to think about it, and Jim Jones yells, "Oh, Yeah!" and instructs his top aide, Ann Coulter, to tell DOJ that Weasel Cage is cool and had no role in the assassination attempt. "You are one lucky faggot," Ann Coulter tells him.
06:20:22 to 06:26:28
At the boneyard, Sameer Nagonaworkhere, the terrorist, shows up with the bombs. Just to make sure the audience doesn't forget about the terrorists or the nukes.
Chiggy brings Jim Jones up to speed on the plan to invade the consulate. Jim Jones doesn't think either the tactical assault or the getting Obi-Wan's crazy wife to talk to President Subaru will work, but he authorizes both plans because, compared to sending every Muslim in North America to a concentration camp and nuking the hell out of the Middle East, invading the Russian Consulate is no big.
Then, back at wherever Mary Todd Logan is, Red Foreman shows up with a bag of groceries and her favorite magazines... Crazy Ex-First Lady Monthly, Middle-Aged Whackjob Weekly, Deranged Ex-Wife Journal, O... He's also brought TP for her bungalow. Then, Obi-Wan calls, but Mary Todd doesn't want to speak to him. "She doesn't want to talk to you, dumbass," Foreman tells Obi-Wan. "Tell her it's about the Subarus," Obi-Wan replies. "I don't want to talk about any ugly-ass Tribeca!" Mary Todd insists. She gets on the phone with him but quickly loses it. So, Obi-Wan decides he's going to come visit her.
06:31:04 to 06:37:35
Four and a half minutes later, Obi-Wan is airborne. Chiggy reiterates to him that the only way to avoid war with the Russians is for him to get Mary Todd to call Mrs Subaru. The helo soon lands outside her bungalow "You have to call Mrs. Subaru and get the Russian president to surrender Jackoff to CTU, because he was the one who provided the nukes to the terrorists."
"That's funny," Mary Todd says. "Because in Soviet Russia, terrorists provide nukes to you." Then, she agrees to make the call if someone will "fix me a gawdam drink."
Meantime, Jack comes across across a Russian couple we'll call Boris and Natasha making out in the communication room. They think he's already killed a Russki, and they're right they just don't know which one, but it does make Boris more cooperative about fetching Jack a cell phone while Jack holds a gun on Natasha.
06:42:02 to 06:48:52
Ricky Stratton's strike team speeds to the Russian consulate, but their truck hits a banana peel and they're all killed. (j/k)
Meanwhile, Jim Jones meets with the Ambassador from Durka Durkastan. "I have a carrier group ready to rain fiery death on your cities unless you help us find those other nukes before they go off," Jim Jones warns him. Ann Coulter adds that the survivors will be forced to convert to Christianity.
They try to connect Mary Todd to Mrs. Subaru, but Mrs. Subaru is in the middle of giving a speech. So, they have to wait. Mary Todd sits on Red Foreman's lap. "Does it bother you to see me with another man?" "Sure does, crazy lady," Obi-Wan tells her. So, she goes into the kitchen and starts viciously chopping vegetables with a knife and ranting about what an evil man he is.In short, acting just exactly like my brother's first wife, or Martha Stewart when Jane Clayson asked her about her stock deal. Then, Mary Todd stabs Obi-Wan in the shoulder with the knife, which comes as a total shock to anyone who didn't see the previews last week.
06:53:14 to 06:59:59
Obi-Wan is wheeled out of the bungalow and into a waiting ambulance. Mary Todd doesn't see what she did wrong. Lorena Bobbitt offers to explain it to her. Then, CTU puts her through to Mrs Subaru. Mary Todd tells her, "I just killed my husband. You're next." Persuaded by her plea, President Subaru calls the consulate and orders Jackoff to surrender and turn over Jack Bauer unharmed, but Jackoff refuses, explaining, "In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer surrenders you." So, Subaru approves of the incursion into the Russian embassy.
Boris returns with the cell phone, but he is followed by Jackoff's thugs, who come in and start shooting up the place. Jack manages to hold off the entire consulate security force and their Kalishnakovs with a single handgun and a belt. Then, Ricky Stratton leads his teams of chubby red-haired CTU agents to assault the embassy, and soon the sidewalks run red with pink commie blood. Sensing the end is near, Jackoff calls Whistler and tells him he has to launch now. Then, one of the tactical team shoots Jackoff in the gut.
Back at the Boneyard, Sameer Nagonaworkhere announces that the drone is ready for launch and orders the bomb armed.
In the ambulance, Obi-Wan Logan flatlines.
Tick-Tock
Monday, March 12, 2007
Coming Soon: Blogs4Doyle?
Fox5NY reported tonight that Jack Bauer may be replaced by Ricky Schroder (Agent Mike Doyle). If this does happen, you'll see some drastic changes in the way CTU operates. Blogs4Bauer has an inside tip and an exclusive list on changes that will occur when Doyle takes over for Bauer.Here are the Top 5 changes to 24 after Ricky Schroder takes over:
5. Josh Bauer learns that his father is actually Agent Mike Doyle, not Jack as everyone assumes.
4. The situation rooms will have arcade games installed.
3. Alfonso Spears will be brought in as a better dressed replacement for Curtis Manning.
2. Agent Doyle will install a scale model freight train that will run from the front desk, past Bill's office, into torture room 4B, through the morgue, and end in the cafeteria.
1. Goodbye Blogs4Bauer. Hello Blogs4Doyle.
Got more? Post them in the comments.
I never watched NYPD Blue or Lonesome Dove, so vague Silver Spoons references is all I got.
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