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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Why not torture him first?
by Dr. No

Don't listen to the boy, he's too young and inexperienced to know what he's talking about. I have been a supervillain for nearly half a century, and have come up against my share of government agents. You think Jack Bauer is tough, try James Bond. At least Bauer doesn't corrupt your female staff by sleeping with them—he is far too attracted to women with noses shaped like penises. I'll bet he even has a thing for Miss North Dakota!

I think you made a mistake sending Bauer off with two nameless goons, however. If you need ideas for better ways to kill off a pest, I am happy to help. I, after all, created one of the most famous traps for my nemesis (James Bond). After multiple tests of his stamina and creativity while traveling through a tunnel of terrors, Bond came up against a giant squid. Now, granted, this didn't work—and very few of my colleagues' plots have worked—but they're bound to eventually, right?

Also, you failed on another point: no catchy goodbye phrase. My colleague Goldfinger had one of the most memorable. Bond asked "Do you expect me to talk?" and Goldfinger responded "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die." Your mission should be to embarass him before you kill him in a unique and creative way.

I really hope you didn't just send him off for the goons to kill him—there had better be a laser or an oversized cutting or crushing device of some kind involved.

At the very least you could come after him with a slow-moving flamethrower tank that the locals think is a dragon!

Point: Why don't you just kill him now?
by Scott Evil


Anonymous said...

What we need are sharks with freaking lasers on their heads.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you could take a tip from Hank Scorpio, the only to do in Bond, yeah I know he had some help from Homer Simpson, but that was was just sheer dumb luck.

And oh yeah like torturing Jack will get you anywhere. May I remind you of Season 2. What did wittle Jack do after the heart attack.

Buckaroo Banzai said...

Frakkin' hysterical, RFTR! And who could ever forget Scorpio? (Played by Albert Brooks)

RFTR said...

Hank: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont?
Bont: Scorpio, you're totally mad.
Hank: Heh, I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.
Bont: So, do you expect me to talk?
Hank: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. [leaves] You're gonna die, now.

TheJackSack said...


The Simpsons peaked with that episode.

SCORPIO: Homer, what's your least favorite country: Italy or France?

HOMER: France.

SCORPIO: HA! Nobody ever says "Italy!"

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