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Monday, January 15, 2007

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM

For noobs, this is the time on Sprockets when we dance on B4B when I review the previous night's episode in my own, inimitable, fashion.

06:00:00 to 06:13:25

Season Six kicks off with a helpful announcer voice informing us, "America has been victimized again..." and that there have been 11 weeks of terror attacks. I would have preferred they used the Ted Knight narrator voice from 'SuperFriends' to inform we the audience of this, but nobody listens to Eeyore. The news goes on that even though no one has taken responsibility for the attacks, many believe it be the work of America's most deadly and committed enemy... Frank Stallone.

It's morning in Los Angeles, and a man who looks suspiciously like a member of the Frank Stallone community is denied a ride on a city bus. He is outraged. "I have as much right to be on the bus as you!" he shouts as it pulls away. As the bus pauses in front of some Frank Gehry architectural monstrosity, an out-of-work Dustin Nguyen pulls out his iPod and blows the bus apart. Keanu Reeves is so moved by the scene, he almost gets a facial expression.

Meanwhile, back at the White House, Nancy Hayes channels Gloria Allred, and lectures President Dave Chapelle Palmer about Muslim Internment Camps, and why there shouldn't be any. President Chapelle refuses to sign an executive order to round up "everybody in this country who prays toward Mecca" citing opposition from the powerful 7-11, Circle K, and am/pm lobby. His Chief of Staff, John Caged Weasel, disagrees violently. He thinks they should be rounded up to stop the terrorist attacks, but the President stands his ground, "I'm David Palmer's brother ... bitch!"

To stop the terror attacks, CTU has put a hit out on Chief Stallonist, Julian Bashir. Many sinister references are made to the ginormous price being paid for putting out the hit. So, back at CTU, Chloe's ex-husband Al Bundy O'Brian is being chewed out by the boss, Kemper, for using the wrong header on his TPS reports, and is threatened that he'll be back selling shoes to fat women if he doesn't shape up. If it's any indication how bad Al Bundy is, Potato-Face has to lecture him on his attitude. Al Bundy manages to sneak an ass-grab during the lecture, and Chloe doesn't admit it, but she likes it, as all women secretly do. Chloe has dyed her hair reddish this season, so we can call her Russet Potato Face.

The New CTU Head, Token Arab Chick, is coordinating an air assault against Julian Bashir. Russet Potato Face overhears her talking about Jack Bauer.
"Jack's in a Chinese prison," Chloe informs her.
"Did you think any prison could hold him?" Token Arab Chick replies. "They sprung him 14 hours ago."
"Why wasn't I told?" Chloe asked.
"Um.... you were in the bathroom," Token Arab Chick mutters. "Anyway, that's all I can tell you. The president is paying a high price for this. And you'd probably screw it up somehow."

Then, we see a Hercules landing at an airbase. Chiggy Killer and Cola are there to greet it. "The president is paying a high price for this," Chiggy says ominously. Jack exits the cargo bay, staggers into the camera and mutters "It's....." and the Monty Python theme music begins playing.

"He hasn't spoken a word in two years," The Chinese captor reiterates, "Your president has paid a high price for Mr. Bauer's freedom. What he wants from him must be very important."
"Everyone is aware the president is paying a high price for this," Chiggy Killer reiterates.
The Chinese man agrees. "Yes, he is paying a price. And it is very high."
Chiggy Killer nods. "A high price. Yes, we get it."
The Chinese man nods back. "Yes, a very 'high price.' It's called foreshadowing. The audience should be wondering now what the high price is."

So, eventually, Chiggy Killer takes Jack into the hangar and fills him in that Dave Chappelle Palmer is now president. Also, a Stallonist terrorist allied with Bashir has made a deal, agreeing to give up Bashir in return for $25 million, the chance to murder Jack Bauer, and having the letter 'm' stricken from the alphabet. Apparently, Jack tortured this particular terrorist's brother to death and he wants revenge and is willing to sell out Global Jihad just to get even with Jack. Chiggy explains how once they turn him over to the terrorists, they also have to turn over their surveillance codes, so there will be no hope of rescue, and they just assume that Bashir's trusted lieutenant isn't just setting them up for a betrayal, because that's almost never happened, except in Seasons 1,2,3,4,and 5, and the plan should go off without a hitch.

And Jack speaks his first word in two years: "Oh, snap!"

06:19:25 to 6:30:25

In the White House, Gloria Allred takes a call from Chiggy Killer. He informs her that they've got Jack cleaned up and ready to deliver to the terrorist.
"Miss you," says Chiggy.
"Miss you more," says Gloria Allred.

Back at CTU, Chloe goes to Token Arab Chick. "Sooner or later I will find out what you're doing with Jack, so, tell me. Or, I'll call division and let them know you were the one who peed on the copier at the office Christmas party."
Token Arab Chick knows she's cornered. "All right. The president made a deal with terrorists. We give them Jack, they'll give us the location of Julian Bashir."
Chloe is skeptical. "So, you're going to turn over Jack to terrorists so they can murder him because they promised to betray their leader to you?"
"Pretty much." Token Arab Chick admits.
Chloe asks the obvious question. "How do we know the terrorists will follow through."
Token Arab Chick shrugs. "We don't... and we know it's never worked before... but we feel really, really lucky this time."

President Chapelle calls Chiggy Killer on his fancy car phone, and initiates what will, if previous seasons are any indication, be the first of a number of intense cell phone conversations with Jack. "Jack, I just want you to know, the only reason we're doing this is because... I'm President Palmer,... bitch!" Then, he hangs up,

In the White House, President Chappelle is more circumspect. "I know we're paying a very high price for this, and yet I wonder if we are doing the right thing."
"Your question is irrelevant," says John Caged Weasel. "You are the president. You will lead the country. ... It isn't right, it isn't wrong. It's just our only option. We have to sacrifice Jack Bauer so that this country will survive."
As the Tom Cage exits, he is cornered by Gloria Allred. "You're positioning the National Guard around convention centers to detain Muslims. The ACLU is already preparing to sue."
"Oh, the ACLU, I'm so scared," he counters. "Look at me.... Ooh, ooh, not the ACLU. Anything but that!"

Back in Los Angeles, Chiggy Killer approaches a bleak concrete landscape, part of the extensive system of drains and sewers that supply Los Angeles with bleak urban shooting locations. The terrorist, Imhotep, telephones and instructs Chiggy to handcuff Jack to the grate. "You didn't say Simon Says, you son-of-a-bitch." Imhotep hangs up, and Chiggy Killer handcuffs Jack to the grate. Jack speaks, "Don't be sorry, I'm ready to die. I only kept myself alive in that Chinese prison because my death would have served no purpose... and the Moo Goo Gai Pan was unbelievable. But now I'm dying for a reason."

Chiggy is somber. "Can I have your stereo?" he asks. Then Chiggy and Cola leave Jack to whatever fate awaits him.

06:36:52 to 06:46:07

Meanwhile, at an upscale house in suburban Los Angeles, Mr and Mrs American Everyman are preparing to send their kid, Billy Everyman Jr, to school. They look outside to see their son's friend Arab, Behrooz-2007's, father being arrested by the FBI. Then, some thugs start threatening Behrooz-2007. And so Mr Everyman goes over to defend him and invites Behrooz-2007 to stay at their house until this terrorism thing blows over.

Meanwhile, CTU prepares to coordinate the strike against Julian Bashir using two Marine Cobra helicopters. Al Bundy O'Brian finds a way to get a visual on Jack using a non-government satellite. Chloe remembers why she fell in love with him. "When this is over, let's go back to my place and compile some Fortran code," she whispers hotly. "Oooh, baby," he coos in his best Jason Stetham accent.

Meanwhile, at the desolate concrete location, the terrorists hustle Jack into a van. As they return to terrorist headquarters, a.k.a., the employee break room at MSNBC, the terrorist Imhotep finds out about the tap to the civilian satellite. He calls CTU and insists they cut the link, It is soon tracked to Chloe's station, and Token Arab Chick makes her shut it down. So that civilian satellite thing was apparently a dead-end plot point, and the producers apologize for wasting the audience's time.

06:52:12 to 06:59:59

Gloria Allred calls Chiggy Killer, "Any word from Imhotep."
Chiggy: "Um, no... actually he might have changed his mind." He explains about the satellite tap.
Gloria Allred: "This has to work, Chiggy. Or the next thing you'll know, they'll be rounding up Arabs. How will get my 7:11 coffee if all the Arabs are interned? You know how cranky I get without my bean juice."
Chiggy: "We'll let you know."

Meanwhile, Imhotep hustles Jack into his lair and pulls out the torture fetish gear he bought at Mel Gibson's yard sale. After muttering some expository monologue about wanting Jack to die like his brother died, Imhotep takes a knife and jams it into the nerve bundle in Jack's left shoulder, followed by a stinging bottle of alcohol. Jack remind him of the deal, and so Imhotep does exactly what a villain is supposed to do at this point and reveals to his hostage what the real plan is. "Bashir wanted to end these attacks. He came here to stop them. He came here to stop me. CTU is going to kill the wrong man. Bwah ha ha ha ha."

Then, Imhotep calls CTU and fills them in on Julian Bashir's position. As he recites the coordinates, Jack recites them to himself, because it reminds him of his favorite movie, Rain Man.

Then, Imhotep continues to torture Jack, because torture is bad, and you should feel guilty for all the times you cheered when Jack tortured a terrorist scumbag. And then. the EKG gives off that whine that we all associate with a patient flatlining... giving everyone in this episode a one-step connection to Kevin Bacon. Imhotep takes a call from Behrooz 2007 and leaves Jack in the custody of a terrorist underling (Uh Oh). Behrooz-2007 reports, "The FBI arrested my dad. You know he's innocent. I'm the terrorist mole!" Imhotep tells him to be cool. "Did the FBI touch your package?" "No, my package is still right here." "You must prepare to deliver your package, now," Imhotep tells him. Behrooz blushes. "You haven't said that to me since I was hairless."

Back in the torture chamber, vampire Jack rises from the dead to feast on the blood of the living. "Time for Wapner!" he yells as he plunges his fangs into the terrorist underling's neck.

And for once, I'm not kidding about that.

Imhotep returns to the torture chamber, finds no Jack, just a dead terrorist underling who's been drained of his bodily humors. He screams furiously for them to begin searching for Jack, who is actually hiding out in the drain below the chamber.


Anonymous said...

Russet Potato Face

That is one of your best nicknames.

Anonymous said...

I was pretty pleased with Imhotep. Less so with Behrooz-2007 and Token Arab Chick. Open to suggestions.

Anonymous said...

Imhotep was also a good call. Behrooz 2.0?

NDwalters said...

Kumar is more like Behrooz's Evil Twin. Russett Potato Face, mwehehe.

Anonymous said...

Behrooz-2007 is no good. How about Kumar? Or White Castle?

Anonymous said...

I like White Castle

Anonymous said...

White Castle it is.

What about Jack and Bashir?

Bacardi and Chi?
Bacardi and Curry?

André A. Correia said...

4 months later, the season opening in Portugal! At last...