Carnival of Bauer

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Friday, January 06, 2006

Jack Bauer snubbed for Dancing With the Stars, or, what was Jack really doing in that bunker all by himself

While Kenny Mayne was making a fool of himself on national television, Jack Bauer was getting ready to relax in front of the television after a rough day of sitting around pretending he was dead. Often, this was harder than one would assume. Jack had recently gone into hiding to take a much needed vacation from saving the world, and that's not what he really wanted to be doing right now. He wanted to dance.

Jack had faked his own death to learn to Tango, to Salsa, to Ballroom Dance. He had been taking private lessons from a polynesian witch doctor named Atueango under the desert in a secret tiki bar he had built during his wild days in the seventies. When he felt he was ready, he sent in his application to the good folks at ABC. But ABC only laughed at Jack, and sent him several rejection letters to get the point across. And now, sitting at home, Jack was watching Kenny Mayne destroy the Quick Step with a series of unfortunate mis-steps. He couldn't watch any more. He had to do something.

So he did.

Jack decided to come out of hiding and kill Kenny Mayne. He was terrorizing dance moves, and that made him a terrorist. Then Jack got a phone call. As soon as he hit the sunlight. No one knew his number, and he often wondered why he even had a cell phone if he was in hiding. Nonetheless, the call was very important, important enough to let Kenny Mayne live another day.

Watch out Kenny Mayne. Jacks' got your number.


RFTR said...

Made it weird...

Buckaroo Banzai said...

Am I the only one who thinks Kenny Mayne is a "Richard?"