Carnival of Bauer

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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Point: I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party.

Point: I wasn't invited to Jack Bauer's whine and cheese party.
-Snake Plissken

The name is Snake and I'm really getting tired of all of Jack Bauer's holier-than-thou bullshit. For too long, I've had to watch as Bauer saves the day in 24 hours, with a little less complaining and more killing it should have been saved in 22. I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party; do I need to bring some brie? What's that? I'm not invited? Good.

I flew a glider during the Battle of Leningrad, a decorated hero for action in Siberia and Leningrad...the youngest man to be decorated by the President. After serving my country, I didn't get a nice CTU desk job. No, I got sent to New York Maximum Security Prison, otherwise known as Manhattan.
Then my country decided it needed me for a mission. Done.
and told me to fly a Gulfstream glider onto the Trade Center. Done.
and rescue the President. Done.
Did I get 24 hours? No, I got 22.

Jack Bauer's pretty hair, cell phone, Curtis, and manpurse are starting to annoy me. I had only had only Mac-10 and a glider to save the President.

My lifeclock is telling me that it's time for Jack Bauer to end his damn whine and cheese party. And f&$king I hate brie.

Counterpoint: Snake Plissken is a whiny little bitch.
By Lieutenant John McClane

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - I know that YOU want to come back to me. by Heroin
Counterpoint - Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.By Adrenaline

Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!


Riss said...

Okay no really, I love this blog. Jack Bauer for President, woot!

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