Bauer2006 Platform #5

Bauer2006 Platform #5 - No Black Helicopters

Republican candidate for Senate in New York "K.T." McFarland claims that Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) was using black helicopters to spy on her. What did McFarland do about these helicopters? She went to the media like any typical politician would do.

What would Jack Bauer do about black helicopters spying on him? Go to the media or take care of the situation himself? That's right, Jack Bauer would simply take out his handgun and shoot the helicopter(s) down. Just to make things fair, he could even shoot with his eyes closed.

Jack Bauer will shoot first, asking questions is for sissies.


Previous
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence

The Top Ten Bauer 2006 Campaign Promises

10. All moles will be hunted down and killed. For now, squirrels are okay.
9. Public schools will replace soccer fields with shooting ranges.
8. Read my lips: no new terrorists.
7. Handguns will be mandatory for every citizen.
6. Blogs posting pictures of Kim Bauer will be immediately erased.
5. Chloe O'Brian will be named Secretary of Frowning and Sarcasm.
4. The Pittsburgh Penguins will move to Hartford and be renamed the Whalers.
3. New York will reinstate the death penalty: strangulation by piano wire.
2. Christopher Henderson will be reanimated as a cyborg cop.

And the number one Bauer 2006 campaign promise is . . .

1. Edgar Stiles will be posthumously awarded Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion.

Michelle, We Hardly Knew Ye

It has come to the attention of the staff at B4B that the only woman currently pictured in a front page post is Hillary "The Hill-dabeast" Clinton.

This cannot stand.

And since Elisha Cuthbert mentions RFTR and "Restraining Order" in the same breath nowadays, I figure we could use a dose of vitamin Dessler. Enjoy!

Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer Will Man The Border Fence.

Unlike Hillary Clinton and Ned Lamont, Jack Bauer does not vacillate when it comes to border security. Illegal immigration is a national problem, not just an Arizona or California problem. In that vein, when Jack Bauer is elected U.S. Senator (CT/NY), he has not only promised to build a border fence: he has promised to man it!

The Jack Bauer Plan is two-fold. First, he will lobby (read: beat down any opposition) for a 50-foot high, electrified, razor-wire fence along the entire border - including the east and west coasts. Sorry, surfer hippies, the beaches are now closed! This plan will eradicate illegal immigrants from coming into the U.S. from Mexico, Canada, and the oceans. You never know who or what will wash ashore nowadays.

Second, Jack Bauer will take time out of his busy day - as if U.S. Senators ever do anything productive - to personally man the border fence, armed with a Louisville Slugger and a case of Schlitz. In a classic example of bravado, Jack will also place an Eveready battery on his shoulder, and dare any immigrant to knock it off. Bring it on, immigrants! Jack dares you.

Bauer2006 - Solid Snake Endorsement

Bauer 2006 Endorsements
Solid Snake

In his heart of hearts, Jack Bauer is a soldier. He has been tested on the battlefields of combat and of life, and has come out of both the better person for it. Jack Bauer is the right man for this - and any - job.

Sure, sometimes Jack lets his emotions get in the way - I remember the time he helped me brutally beat Revolver Ocelot outside an abandoned Russian factory - but his heart is always in the right place. Jack Bauer fights for freedom, and during that fight, sometimes your hands get dirty (read: bloody).

I heartily endorse my brother in arms for Senator of Connecticut and New York.

Bauer2006 - Endorsement #1

Bauer2006 Endorsements
Private First Class Bill Rizer
Private First Class Lance Bean

Hi, I'm PFC Rizer my buddy is PFC Bean - you know us as Contra. All the following important messages are belong to us.

When we get into a firefight with Red Falcon and all we have are some Spread Guns, there's only one person we want as backup, Jack Bauer.

With Jack Bauer in a political fight of his own, he needs our help. Are you willing to sit by and let him battle alone? No!

We endorse Jack Bauer in his run for Senate in both NY and CT.

Bauer2006 Bumper Sticker Contest

Jack Bauer has the look, the desire, and the guns needed to run for Senate. What he doesn't have is a bumper sticker. That's where you come in.

Your Mission: Design a bumper sticker for Bauer2006
1) Develop a bumper sticker for Jack Bauer's 2006 run for the Senate in NY and CT.
2) Either create a post and send us a link or email your design to us.
3) All entries should be submitted by Friday (8/18).

Next Friday (8/18), we will host a poll to choose a winner. The winning bumper sticker design will be placed on CafePress for sale. Any proceeds will be donated to AnySoldier, Inc.


Bumper Sticker Contest Entries

- Esbiem

- Esbiem

Bauer2006 Platform #3

Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
No candidate running for Senate in both New York and Connecticut in can do more to cut moles and waste than Jack Bauer. For too long, blowhards on both sides of the aisle have gone to town on pork and for too long, no other Senator was there to pull out a knife and a blowtorch to trim the pork. Until now.

As Senator of New York and Connecticut, Jack Bauer will also use his mole-finding skills in Washington DC. The next time a "leak" is discovered, it will be plugged before the ink dries on the morning edition of The NY Times.

How will Jack deal with leaks you ask? Well let's just say Bauer's Bag o'Tricks includes a car battery, nipple clamps, a Yanni CD, and a towel. For good measure, a hacksaw is on the way.

Let me ask you one question. Do you want a Senator who will name a bridge after himself or one who will blow up a bridge then name the explosion after himself?

Jack Bauer 2006 - Representation with Extreme Persuasion.


Jack Bauer for Senate of both NY and CT approved this message.

Previous
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1
Bauer2006 Platform #2

Jack Bauer will not cut and run

Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run.
Both Hillary and Joe support the mission in Iraq, even if they find quarrel with some of the choices the current administration has made in pursuing its goals.

Jack Bauer is no different.

He believes that kicking terrorist ass is important, and that, if we are doing anything in Iraq, we are certainly kicking some terrorist ass.

But he won't stomach cut-and-run politicians who think that withdrawing now is the best course for our future. And Jack knows how hard that choice can be. He didn't serve on some boat in the middle of the jungle, sit on a splinter and get a Purple Heart out of it—no, Jack has come face-to-face with terrorism on several occasions.

And have the terrorists ever won? No. Why? Because Jack faced them down each and every time.

When terrorists present you with the choice of watching your daughter's boyfriend die or staying, and risking your own life, to "give him a hand," then you can criticize Jack's terror-fighting credentials.

Until then, let's put him in office and then get out of his way to let him get the job done.

Jack Bauer will never cut and run.

Previous
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1

Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont

Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont.
Connecticut voters do not want a Senator that'll be another lap dog for the President. Ned Lamont has shown just how close to the President he is, time and time again. Let's not forget the infamous hug seen in the picture below.

Jack Bauer will not listen to the President or any of his cabinet, staff, or advisors. He may even try to pop out an eyeball or two in order to get things done.

I know Jack Bauer and Ned Lamont is no Jack Bauer.


Previous
Bauer2006 Launch

Jack Bauer 2006

Jack Bauer is prepared to bend the rules in order to save America, again.

Blogs4Bauer is proud to be the exclusive home of Bauer2006. Jack Bauer is running and Bauer06 is the "netroots" effort to elect him to represent both Connecticut and New York in the US Senate. That's right both Connecticut and New York as a write-in candidate for Senate. Did I stutter?

Blogs4Bauer will host a series of posts leading up to Election Day in November. We will have FAQs, platforms, and even host a debate.

Email us or post a comment below if you want get involved.

Also, check out the Bauer2006 Bumper Sticker Design Contest

Platforms
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence

Endorsements
Contra - NEW
Solid Snake - NEW
Hugh Hewitt
Instapundit
GOP and the City
RFTR
The Body Politic
SondraK
Cake or Death
The Smoking Room
Dirkworld
GOP and College
Citizen Grim
Blogs4Condi
John Bauer
Below the Beltway
Wyatt Earp
Joe Gringo
Life With Al
Kitty Myers
First State Politics
Reject the Koolaid
Little Miss Chatterbox
BlogDC
The National Review
The New York Times (just kidding)

Other
Add a Bauer2006 logo to your website.

24 DVD Game Coming Soon

Coming Soon: Baueropoly
Good news to those of you who already have the 24 Cell Phone game, the 24 DVD box sets, the 24 PS2 game, the 24 wrist watch, and the CTU Ringtone.

A 24 DVD Board game will be on sale in August. According to IMDB, only Keifer Sutherland made the jump from TV to the game and Duppy Demetrius is the writer for the game.

Here is a Blogs4Bauer exclusive preview of the game:

Baueropoly
Contents: DVD, game board, mole(s), game cards, C4, label sheet, torture devices, player tokens. (hacksaw not included)

Objective: Players take on the role of CTU agents, racing time to collect clues and win on-screen "mini-game challenges." Each game begins with a terrorist act; the CTU agents are then briefed and given several clues regarding the terrorists' full plans. Kim Bauer then screws everything up forcing some players to restart the game. The first player to identify and stop a threat to national security wins. The losers get tortured.

Mini-game challenges: Randomly pick from the cards for tasks that include: force Nina Myers to swallow a towel, Get Edgar to eat dog food, and make love to Kim Bauer.

Jack Bauer in the kitchen with the lead pipe.

Do you have any suggestions for the game? Add them in the comments below.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

President George W. Bush talks a lot. Unfortunately for the American people, all he does is talk. What the Counter-Terrorist Unit needs is a man of action. I am that man. My name is John Kerry, and I am reporting for duty.

My qualifications are much more impressive than those of Mr. Bush. I am not aware if you know this, but I served in Vietnam. During my tour, I received more Purple Hearts before 8am than most soldiers received all day. Hillary Clinton agrees - I am the greatest hero in American history. And I am up to the challenge of defending this country against terrorism with a caring approach - unlike that Cro-Magnon Jack Bauer.

Unlike Jack Bauer and his lackey George Bush, torture and civil rights violations will not be an option in my arsenal. Instead, I will use the United Nations as a tool for negotiation. Terrorists are no different from you and I, and they respond well to frank discussion. There is no place in CTU for Gestapo tactics. In my CTU, terrorist attacks will cease.

If I were at CTU, Victor Drazen would have never made that attempt on then-Senator Palmer's life. In my CTU, Drazen and his family would have received a full pardon for his terrorist actions, and his family would be given safe passage to Syria - far away from the United States. And, unlike Jack Bauer's clan, my family would never been kidnapped. I mean, have you seen my family? Ugh.

If I were at CTU, rogue factions would not have smuggled and detonated a nuclear device inside our borders. In my CTU, these factions would meet with my head of personal understanding, Madeleine Albright, to discuss their worries and concerns. By opening a dialogue, we can solve their problems. And if that fails, we will detonate the device in a red state.

If I were at CTU, former President David Palmer would still be alive. It is only because of his Nazi-esque, right-wing policies that forces within our own country marked him for death. In my CTU, I will openly welcome every citizen with a differing opinion . . . . except the Republicans.

Frankly, my policies would have prevented every major disaster that Jack Bauer has dealt with in the last decade. When you look at the facts, it is clear that I (and not George W. Bush) am the best person for the job. I stand ready for your reply.

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush

Jack Bauer Meets Homer Simpson

Kiefer Sutherland to Lend Voice to Formerly Clever, Now Preachy and Tedious, 'Gawd-Is-That-Show-Still-Around' Animated Sitcom.

Sutherland plays a hard-nosed colonel in an episode that sees Homer Simpson accidentally joining the US army.

Oh, gee, that doesn't sound at all like recycling the plot where Homer joined the Navy. So, what banal, progressive point will the writers try to make with this episode? Will Jack's character torture Apu? Will his character be gay? Will he make snarky remarks about WMD's and oil? Or, will he be a noble evolutionist who imports prescription drugs from Canada while opposing corporate ownership of the media? Do I Care?

Oh, well, at least his 'Family Guy' voiceover remains a classic.

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush

Heh Heh. Over the past few seasons Jack Bauer has done a heckuva job. But starting next season, Agent Bauer doesn't have to worry about pesky moles anymore. That's because a true patriot is expected to join CTU. A man of impeccable credentials and unflaking faith, me! Jack Bauer and I have made the decision to defeat the terrorists in LA so we don't have to face them here at home.

John McCain thought he was cool because his little role last season - like he was up for an Oscar or something. I kept reminding him they gave a NASCAR driver speaking lines and a bigger role! Johnnie's time on screen could have been better spent than just a hand-off of a plain CTU folder. I thought his 6 years as a POW would get him to make the most out of his modest screen time, giving a Hawaiian Good Luck Sign or blinking "Kim Bauer is hot" in Morse Code.

As Agent "Eddie Burke", my statergry will involve taking out many terrorists with no compassion in a 24 hour period. I hope they give me shot at taking down a sitting president who lied to the American public in order to get us in a war in Central Asia over oil.

This is historic times and Bauer and Bush are historic people who are going to put an end to this terror shit. Just don't tell Laura.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Bauer, You're Out!by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

President Palmer Is Not Dead!
A Blogs4Bauer Conspiracy Theory

The crack staff at B4B has uncovered a conspiracy of epic proportions: President David Palmer is not dead!

Immediately after the alleged assassination, Palmer's body was flown to Cleveland, Ohio for medical treatment. The President was wearing a ballistic vest, but due to the rifle rounds used by the conspirators (including President Charles Logan), Palmer suffered a severe gunshot wound to the upper chest. Palmer was admitted into the ICU of the undisclosed hospital, and was given a new identity - that of Pedro Cerrano, a professional baseball player from Cuba.

Palmer adopted his new identity with vigor during his recuperation, and even learned the black arts of voodoo. His new idol, Jobu, by his side at all times, Pedro Cerrano made a complete recovery. With many of the members of the conspiracy still at large, Cerrano signed a one-year contract with the hapless Cleveland Indians under his assumed name. Ever the athlete, Palmer, er, Cerrano, won the starting position in left field, and was on his way to becoming a defensive all-star.

His hitting, however, was another story.

Convinced that the gods would not let him hit a curve ball, Cerrano hovered around the Mendoza line for much of the year. Even Jesus Christ Himself could not help him hit the breaking ball. At the all-star break, Cerrano has hit an incredible 20 home runs, while earning a despicable .215 batting average! Amazing.

If Cerrano can worry more about his hitting and less about the possible sniper rifle in the stands, the Indians may make the playoffs after all.

I Wonder What Kim Bauer Is Doing Right Now?

And the answer to that question is not, "RFTR."

Will Jack Kill Tom?

Will Jack Kill Tom?

Caption The Leatherneck


Just in case you thought everyone at B4B had been taking the summer off.

It's Just One Of Those Days

How did you spend your Independence Day? I spent it knocking out a North Korean Taepodong 2 missile over the Sea of Japan.

My name is Jack Bauer, and Tuesday was the longest day of my life.

It all began at 0500 in the cargo hold of a C-130 transport plane. After five hours without food, my survival training kicked in. I subsisted on silverfish and window condensation. After a midair refueling, I cut my way through the fuselage and dove 25,000 feet into the sea. Swimming to the shores of the Korean peninsula was trying, but it was an objective of my overall mission. It was almost a shame about the lifeguard on the beach, but what the hell; why leave a living witness? I buried myself into a dune and waited - with my Stinger missiles - for the approaching launch.

The sand chiggers were just as annoying as I remembered, but the crabs were not. That lifeguard didn't have any refreshments in his chair, so I have been drinking my own sweat. No pain, no gain. The launch was only moments away, so I fired up the Stingers. It's go time. Chloe recited the countdown and I sharpened my aim. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . the bird is in the air.

Chloe tracked the outbound target and updated the coordinates. The great thing about Stingers is that, like a Polaroid, they are just point and shoot. I could have done this while bedding Audrey Raines, but I didn't want to finish my mission on an upset stomach. The first Stinger was away less than thirty seconds into the missile's track. Five seconds later: scratch one Taepodong. I don't know what was more satisfying; that I took out a missile in one attempt, or the obvious look on Kim Jong's face. Heh.

Oh, and just for fun, one the way home, I assassinated Kenneth Lay in time for Corn Flakes. The official cause of death is listed as a heart attack. Damn, I'm good.