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Friday, March 31, 2006

24 Caption Contest

Inappropriate Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer
Chloe's Limbaugh Lust

Top 10 Signs Chloe Is Obsessed with Rush Limbaugh

1. In moments of passion with Spencer called out "Dittos! Ditto! Mega-Dittos!"

2. CTU's New Top Terror Priority: Femi-Nazis.

3. Left buttock, Pittsburgh Steeler's tattoo. Right buttock, Ronald Reagan.

4. Orders Jack Bauer to bring in Al Franken to CTU for deep interrogation.

5. Caught in CTU break room practicing sign language for "Spank me, big daddy!"

6. As Cen-Tox gas fumes filled CTU, sent final IM "If I don't make it, tell Rush I love him."

7. On open-line Friday, someone has hacked into the system and only "Potato Face From Los Angeles" can get through.

8. NORAD computers hacked. Chappaqua, NY "accidentally" targeted for nuclear strike.

9. Shows up at CTU wearing his varsity jacket

10. Appears on Dr. Phil's "I Am Obsessed with Rush Limbaugh" episode.

(Rush Limbaugh's interview with Joe Surnow, including the real reason Truffle Shuffle was iced, is at Rush Limbaugh dot com)

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Carnival of The Cougar

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Week 5

I spent weeks trying to find an image of the Kim Bauer-Cougar matchup from Season 2. I finally found it and present you with: The Carnival of The Cougar*.

Let's start off this week with some housecleaning. Kim Bauer does not like tardiness. Doug at Below the Beltway submitted his entry late for last week's Carnival of Bauer!!!. So Kim sent her cougar over to Doug's house. His post: Can Jack Bauer Trust Anyone? was his last post, ever. Let that be a lesson to all of you all.

Barry over at Inn of the Last Home will be hosting an upcoming Carnival. In the meantime, he spends his days noting What Love Is and the Top 10 Things That Have Really Gotten Old on 24. Look Barry, Jack Bauer does not like moles either; but with all the illegals flooding into in LA good workers (without terrorist backgrounds) are hard to come by.

Karen of Scottsdale is questioning Chloe's computer skills. (ppssstt Karen, in case you didn't see last season and the first episode of this season - Chloe is good with computers and a good shot. So watch your back!)

To stay on the topic of criticizing all things Jack Bauer, "Life with Al" is going to be a little easier after Jack and his Torture-matic Ax350 are done with him. Al lists some of his 24 Annoyances including an inside look at Jack's Glock. Terrorists have seen Jack's Glock, but none lived to tell about it.

Pantry Girl doesn't criticize Jack Bauer in her post; I'm Getting Too Old for This S#%@. She does have a problem with Fox5NY anchor Ernie Anastos' hair. How about that Fox5NY leads their 10pm Monday newscast with a tease for a lame 24-related story that is held until the end?

Jeff has a recap of the 8-9pm and 9-10pm episodes. Blogs4Bauer may have the Jack Bauer Kill Counter, but Peace Like a River is home to the "Number of Times Jack Says 'Now!' Counter" (17).

King Tom notes that "24 is Back" and asks the timely question: Is setting off a bomb in a natural gas plant a good idea? Boom.

Today's commentary is brought to you by none other than Today's Commentary. They submitted a post that manages to weave Jack Bauer, The NY Times, and Oprah all in one entry. Bravo.

Kim Bauer learned not to provoke a cougar; she should also avoid Provoking a Muse. The site has a nice recap of the last episode with the 'quote of the night' from Jack Bauer: "He's using you. He wanted you to get inside my head. And it worked. Now I'm...upset". I guess gassing 56 co-workers was not enough to get Jack upset.

FIAR at Radioactive Liberty must have just started watching 24 this season. He posts Enough With the Melodrama, which critiques all the drama during this season. Trust me, last season was much...much worse.

Lawhawk has a memo from Jack Bauer to Jack Bristow. The agent from the upcoming movie, The Sentinel was not copied on the memo.

LinkX135 takes on Edgar's replacement, calling her a mental case. Give the girl a break, imagine how hard it was to readjust Edgar's chair settings to seat her comfortably. Plus, there were probably chunks of Edgar's puke still on the armrests.

Justin is channeling a dead Jack Bauer. Weird...because Jack's not dead. Tony is.

*No cougars were harmed in the publishing of this post.

That's it for Week 5 of The Carnival of Bauer!!! . Thanks for stopping by, if you're here for the first time, check out the sidebars. In particularly, on the left side you can find "Jack's Favorite Posts," a collection of some of our most popular posts. Enjoy, and come back often!

Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.
Upcoming Hosts
Inn of the Last Home
The Templar Times
Justin's Random Thoughts

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony - Week 3
The Carnival of Life - Week 4
Make sure to get your entries into next week's Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday! Remember,Kim Bauer is still locked up in Wyatt's basement. If you don't send us a 24-related post we will send Kim and her cougar back on the set of 24!
Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Buy Edgar's Drawers

The Clothes Off Our Back Foundation is an organization that auctions off celebrity clothing with the proceeds going to children's charities.

Go over and check it out, you can purchase a piece of clothing from Edgar Stiles from the Fox hit show 24. His auction ends on Friday, March 31st and only has 2 bids, the highest bid is just $70. Edgar's auction benefits Autism Now, Half the Sky and UNICEF's work in Darfur.

If you want to help out the kids and get something cool in return, go over there and place a bid. Lets have a friend of B4B win this auction!

(Source - )

Carnival of Bauer V

Get your submissions into The Carnival of Bauer!!! today. If you do not send us a post, we will release Kim Bauer from Wyatt's basement and back onto the set of 24.

Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!
Counterpoint: Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Loyalty. Webster's Dictionary defines it as . . . well, I can't read so well anymore, so forget about it. Audrey, I know how you feel. My husband's seventeen-year old girlfriend shot me square in the face. Did I cut and run? Hell no! I stayed with Joey for years after that fateful day. Why? Well, my memory isn't what it used to be either, so I can't answer that. What is this, a Spanish Inquisition?

Look Audrey, I know that you and Jack have had some minor bumps in the road, but if you are going to keep this good thing going, you need to put a happy spin on the negative times. For instance:
  • Jack didn't torture your brother. His quiet secluded Q&A was merely his attempt to get to know him better.
  • Jack didn't kill your husband. He helped him to a better place. I would much rather be in Heaven than Los Angeles. Especially on that day!
  • Jack didn't fake his own death to get away from you. He was playing hard to get.
  • And that whole accusal, choking, torture thing? That's foreplay, honey!

See how easy it is? Believe me, dear, it gets easier every day. Lord knows how many times I wanted to kill Joey in his sleep, but then what kind of loving wife would I have been? A man like Jack Bauer only comes around once in a lifetime. So you swallow your pride - and your tongue - once in a while. Isn't he worth it?

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today!
by Dr. Phil (on loan from

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Point - Kick the Jack Habit

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today!
by Dr. Phil (on loan from

At what point is it ok to leave someone you love? Well if the person you "love" tortured your brother, killed your husband, and then faked his own death all in one day just to get away from you...then I'd say he's nothing but bad news and needs to be kicked to the curb. Audrey, remember what I said in my book, Relationship Rescue: "Awareness without action is worthless". Kick the Jack Habit and get on with your life!

I see this everyday on my show. These women who refuse to leave the "bad boy" and end up getting hurt emotionally, mentally, or physically; sometimes all three. It appears that Jack Bauer tends to give the "Triple Crown" to you and all the women he comes in contact with. Jack's anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.

I also hear that Jack found another woman after he faked his death. He also accused you of being a mole, choked you, and had you tortured? But that's not all, he almost cut out the eyeball of a man you cared about. In my book, Love Smart : Find the One You Want--Fix the One You Got, I talk about "warning signs", well Ms. Raines, Jack has just given you a "warning infomercial".

Audrey, there are just too many fish in the sea to be stuck with a flounder. Even with your penis-nose, a good guy is just around the corner. Just make sure to first check that corner for Jack Bauer in a Flank 2 position.

Counterpoint: Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it!
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

RIP Fire Extinguisher

After taking a little R&R, Death returned to 24 this week. And she returned with a vengeance that would make even Chuck Norris blush.

When all the shooting died down; we had 12 new additions to the Jack Bauer Kill Counter. Not included on our list, but no less important was a young, brave fire extinguisher who took a bullet for Jack Bauer. Like many other fire extinguishers that were shot in TV shows and video games before him, Model #FH223M shot out a stream of gas for added effect.

Click Here for the updated kill counter.


Go here to view my humble and inadequate efforts to summarize last night's show. A small sample to make you sick to your stomach:

With Collette's immunity deal signed, sealed, and delivered, making the terrorist covergirl untouchable, Bill argues against shooting up Audrey and gets off the best line of the night: "We can torture our own people but we can't torture a criminal?"

Bill has worked for the government long enough to know that this is precisely the kind of bureaucratic logic that has made our country what it is today.

Speaking of bureaucrats, Miles warns Grandma Hayes of the consequences to her ample posterior if things go south and she is accused of inaction in the case of Audrey. Jack warns her of the consequences of torturing the Secretary of Defense's daughter which, if Audrey is innocent, could also be hazardous to Granny's bureaucratic derriere. Instead of making a decision, Granny punts. She tells Jack he can go ahead and question Audrey but that Agent Burke should standby to administer his medicine.

Okay...time to get your groove on people.

Let's examine where we are and try and figure out where we're headed, shall we?

* Is Audrey in the clear? No need to remind readers here of Nina Meyers who was fingered half-way through Season I only to wiggle out of it by falsifying some records. There are still a lot of clues pointing to the Department of Defense as a hotbed of traitorous activity.

* Is the Department of Homeland Security part of the plot? Miles as a mole is too obvious but that doesn't clear DHS completely.

* Did anyone else wonder why Bierko needed "schematics and access codes" for a target where he needed an employee of the gas company to help him release the gas? After offing the guard, the terrorists used a key to open the door so they didn't need access codes for that. And schematics? Bierko had to ask the gas company employee to take him to the control room. In short, where is the next attack going to be?

* WTF is Sherry's problem?

* Finally, will Diane and her son reappear at some extremely inappropriate time in the near future just in time to get kidnapped or placed in mortal danger so that Jack has to leave Audrey in order to save them?

Just wondering...
TivoBlogging: The following took place between 9:00 pm and 10:00 pm

9:00:00 to 9:09:58

To borrow a line from the endless promos during Prison Break, there are moments in every TV season that networks won't shut up about. So, how long will it take Jack to go Jackson Brown on S4GF?

As the 9 o'clock hour opens, CTU is not under siege by the walking dead, unless you count Frau Blucher. Chiggy Killer orders Chloe to look into S4GF's background to see if there is anything that might validate Heidi Fleiss's allegation (last week) that S4GF has gone Joe Wilson and is selling out the country to terrorists. Then, Chiggy takes S4GF into custody and orders her prepped for interrogation. S4GF watches in terror as the Comfy Chair is rolled into the interrogation room. Chiggy Killer tries to talk Frau Blucher out of using the Comfy Chair, but HLS Dick can hardly wait to get started. Jack is also opposed to using the Comfy Chair on S4GF. Frau Blucher, however can't wait to get started and bitch-slaps Jack by bringing up Nina Meyers. She agrees to let Jack "talk" to S4GF, but reserves the right to jerk him out of the interrogation and go Medieval on Audrey's ass. She then turns her attention back to seeing if there's anything about the situation FEMA can screw up.

Across town, a Police car pulls up on two men having a brawl in an alley. To absolutely no one's surprise, this turns out to be a trap. The terrorists staged a fight so they could commandeer a cop car. Raise your hand if you didn't see that coming as soon as the cop car pulled up. Anyone? OK, good. The cops are shot and the terrorists have a curfew-proof vehicle.

Back at CTU, Jack says to Chloe, he says, "Chloe, walk with me," Jack asks Chloe what's up with S4GF. Remember Sid Blumenthal? Apparently, Chloe found out that S4GF and Sid Blumenthal once checked into a hotel in Maryland together and did the nasty. Note: Chloe has managed to track this down, email photos to the hotel manager, get a response, and confirm receipts in under nine minutes. She also has an affadavit from the maid stating she found a used condom (small) in the trash the next morning. Apparently, Jack's ability to fold space-time is rubbing off on her. Anyway, the dots are connecting... S4GF to Sid Blumenthal to Biff Henderson to Kevin Bacon to the terrorists. It's not looking good for S4GF.

Which, of course, can only mean she's innocent.

9:14:03 to 9:22:45

Back from commercial break, we meet the hot chick who will be replacing Truffle Shuffle. For reasons that shall be made clear later, her TivoBlog nickname will be 'Anita Hill.' Apparently, she'll be working under Chloe. (Giggity! Giggity!) HLS Dick reacts to her presence foreshadowingly.

In the interrogation room, Jack begins to work on S4GF S4GF admits to having met Sid Blumenthal, but "only at a couple DOD briefings... where I drank a lot of iced tea... so I was out of the room a lot." "So, you only met him then? At DOD Briefings?" Jack asks her. "Yes," she tells him. "Oh, really," Jack says, sliding the envelope across the table. "Then, explain this... WHORE!" S4GF looks over the hotel receipts. "Oh, yeah, Jack, I slept with him when I thought you were dead. So, technically, we were on a break." "Like Rachel and Ross?" Jack asks. "Yeah, exactly Rachel and Ross," S4GF says. Jack overturns the desk and throws papers all over. "Ross had NO RIGHT to cheat on Rachel!"

Meanwhile, Chloe is trying to bring Anita Hill up to speed on CTU protocols and suchlike, but HLS Dick doesn't think she's qualified and is giving her a hard time, no pun intended. Chloe, for the first time in her entire life, actually takes a personal interest in another human being and asks what the deal with HLS Dick is. Anita Hill tells her that HLS Dick used to sexually harass her when they were at the San Francisco Office.

Jack is convinced that Audrey doesn't know anything (which most of us figured out back in Season 4) and wants to call off the interrogation. Frau Blucher is unsatisfied with the progress of the interrorgation and is eager to go Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS on S4GF, and when Jack tries to stop her, he gets tasered by some security goons. S4GF is dragged away kicking and screaming and given over to the ministrations of an interrogator I like to call Dr Mengele.

9:26:54 to 9:34:47

Biff Henderson is on the road, using his Boost Mobile phone to check in with the assault team he paid to off Shaft. "Where you at?" he asks. They inform him that they are in touch with the ground, they're on the hunt they're after Shaft and they expect they'll be upon him by the moonlight side. Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo. Biff is pissed that Shaft isn't dead yet. And now he has that damn song stuck in his head.

Meanwhile, Red Foreman checks in with the Secret Service detail to see if Shaft has shown up. A blandly good-looking agent tells him that Shaft has not shown up. Red's Dumbass Sense is tingling, so he takes it on himself to go out and check for Shaft on the road.

Frau Blucher approaches the post-tasered Jack. "You better put some ice on that," she advises of his taser wound. "You're interrogating the wrong hot babe. You should be torturing Heidi Fleiss, not my girlfirend from Season 4." Jack's theory is that Biff Henderson told Heidi Fleiss to give up S4GF if she got caught to throw CTU off the scent. Frau Blucher doesn't believe him. "Does he really think he can outsmart Homeland Security?" she demands to know as she signs an order for the police to confiscate every fingernail clipper in Los Angeles as a security precaution.

Speaking of whom, HLS Dick is still giving Anita Hill a hard time, and tells Chloe that the whole sexual harassment thing was BS. So, Chloe tasers him and he goes over and begins harassing the vending machines instead. Jack and Chloe sit down at their computers and prepare to figure out how to prove that Heidi Fleiss was lying to they can call "No Immunity" strap her into the comfy chair.

About this time, those Duke boys were making their way to the target with their "police escort." The terrorists plan to use the city's natural gas pipeline system to distribute the Tex-Mex gas throughout the city. Arriving at the John Goodman Memorial Gas Distribution Plant, they bump a rent-a-cop and move their van into place. The terrorists then invade the utility room and ask an Engineer we'll call Scotty where the control room is. "Who wants to know?" Scotty asks. Bang! "The guy who just killed your friend," HATO answers. "Control room's over there," Scotty tells them. They make their way into the control room, where HATO demands that the pressure in the gas lines be reduced by half in order to allow the Tex-Mex gas to flow. "How long will that take?" HATO demands. "An hour," Scotty says. Bang! "OK, sir, I'll make that 15 minutes."

9:38:52 to 9:47:54

Red Foreman is out in the woods looking for Shaft, when someone we, the viewers, can't see sneaks up from behind with a BFG* and makes him drop his gun. The holder of the BFG turns out to be Shaft. (Shaft Palmer. Damn Right.) They team up. Call them... Kahlua and Cream.

Meanwhile, S4GF is in the Comfy Chair getting the treatment the CTU goons like to call "Room Service for Courtney Love." She is being injected with more chemicals than Barry Bonds and starting to cry like Adam Morrison.

But Chloe has found phone contacts between Heidi Fleiss and Biff Henderson, which proves she was lying, and therefore her immunity deal is as dead as the chances for social security reform in the US Senate. Jack goes into her holding cell so he can lay some science on her perky ass. Her security goon tries to stop Jack from interrogating her, so Jack cold cocks him and takes his gun, "Take that, you taser-happy bastard." Jack holds the gun to Heidi Fleiss's head, and she finally admits that the target is a natural gas distribution center, but she doesn't know which one.

Jack runs into the interrogation chamber and gets Dr Mengele to pull the IV from S4GF's arm. "I knew you would come," S4GF tells Jack. And, maybe it's the relief of being exonerated or maybe it's the burning torture fluids coursing through her veins, but, she finds herself needin' some lovin', Bauer-style, and she and Jack share a moment of tender doomed intimacy.

Chloe and Chiggy killer are trying to identify which of the gas distribution centers is the target. They've narrowed it down to 30. Fortunately, Anita Hill earned her doctorate in chemistry at the age of 19, did her dissertation on the properties of Highly Classified Government Nerve Agents, and knows that Tex-Mex gas has to be be introduced to lower pressure pipelines, or else it will breakdown. They soon isolate the gas company that has just lowered the pressure in the tubes. "Well done," Chiggy says, and he immediately goes to file the forms with Frau Blucher that will allow him to request an assault team. "Did you see the way his hand brushed my shoulder as he walked by..." Anita Hill says, "he so-o-o-o-o wants me..." Chloe was about to offer her a Coke, but now thinks better of it.

Meanwhile, Kahlua and Cream come under heavy fire from Biff Henderson's RoboGoons, and Kahlua takes a bullet. Cream manages to wrestle him into an SUV. He drives off while the dumbasses continue firing at them from behind.

9:52:08 to 9:59:59

Bacardi and Cola are airborne and closing in on the John Goodman Memorial Gas Distribution Center. The terrorists have put the gas canisters in the main tank and are just waiting for the pressure to fall off to the point where the deadly gas can be distributed throughout El Lay. HATO tells Scotty to hurry up and bring the pressure down. "I'm doin' everythin; I can, captain, but I can only lower the pressure so fast. Ye canna change the laws of physics."

Bacardi and Cola fast-rope off the chopper and make their way into the distribution center. They make their way downstairs and hear two dudes speaking in Russian. They know real Californians would be speaking Spanish, and quietly ice both of them. They cautiously make their way to the control room door, entering the control room at 9:56:43. An expendable nameless CTU agent takes the first bullet. As the guns blaze, HATO activates the nerve gas canisters and then runs away.

Jack interrogates Scotty to try to figure out if the gas can be stopped before it enters the system. He gets an idea. With some C4, he can ignite the natural gas and burn off the Tex-Mex... or disperse it more widely. Either way. At 9:57:42, Jack puts the C4 charge onto the main gas line. Then, everybody loses contract with Jack just as the big explosions start happening. Jack, fortunately, uses his super-speed to outrun the exploding flames of a natural gas explosion. Jack gets clears just in time, but then sees HATO running back into the fire. Sensing his one opportunity to nail HATO, he gives chase. He catches up with HATO just as HATO is about to make his getaway in Roscoe Coltrane's police cruiser. They fight while natural gas storage tanks detonate all around them... in some of the hottest man-on-man action this side of Brokeback Mountain.

And none of the previews for next week show Jack, because the network thinks they can trick us into thinking he's dead.

* Big Frakkin' Gun

Monday, March 27, 2006

Liveblog 9-10

24: Season 5 — 9:00 PM-10:00 PM — Live-Blogging
Well, we have a bunch of weenies here at Blogs4Bauer, who won't step up to the plate to take their turn for liveblogging. So, you get me. Again.

Any complaints? Well, who's holding a gun to your head to make you come back week after week? What's that? Jack is? Hmm. Well, I guess it sucks to be you.

I'll be back in about 20 minutes to get this party started.

9:00 - Apparently lawhawk is going to liveblog from the comments. Who does he think he is, me?

9:01 - Penis-nose is in cuffs. If she got a nosejob, that would be hot. But if I had to choose between her and Collette, I'd go for the latter.

9:02 - Sorry, Chiggy, but you can only be betrayed by people you trust. And Penis-nose has some latent anger about Jack's fake death—and her nose.

9:05 - Uh-oh. LAPD. This is not going to end well. Yeah, I thought that might happen. Oooooh. Sneaky way to circumvent the Martian Law.

9:08 - Jack is asking Chloe how she could know something? Chloe knows everything. But I missed something—who stayed in the same hotel? Anyone?

9:14 - Section 5 is where they keep the hot girls who replace the ugly fat guys.

She can work my Station 6 any time.

9:15 - Jack: "Sit down!"
Penis-nose: "Oh Jack, you make me so hot."
Jack: "Don't make me smack you around."
Penis-nose: "Please do"
Jack: "Have you ever had sexual relations with Collette Stanger?"
Penis-nose: "You know I have, Jack, you were there. She sucked on my nose while you strangled me like you're going to again in a minute."

9:18 - Penis-nose: "I broke it off because his thingie wasn't as big as yours. And he didn't like it as rough as we do."

9:19 - Seriously, am I the only one who thinks she looks like she's enjoying this? And why does Frau want more? Because she's enjoying it. She wants a little hanky spanky.

9:21 - Who is this creep who's weirding out new Edgar? What a weirdo.

9:22 - New Edgar: "Guess I'd better not make any mistakes." Chloe, with sincere disdain: "No."

9:23 - Are they STUPID??? Why on earth would you tase Jack Bauer and take away his girlfriend to be tortured? Jack WILL have his revenge. Just not a good idea.

Ads - I hate this caveman ad. No, I really hate it. No, really.

Wait a minute, is McDonalds really advertising that they'll add cream and sugar to your coffee for you? That's their selling point? "Hey, you asshats are too lazy to stir your own sugar, so we'll do it for you!"

9:27 - What's Wayne have to share that they're so scared about? I mean, aside from President Palmer in his trunk.

9:29 - Anyone else notice that Jack is showing NO signs of having been tasered a few minutes ago? Seriously, he's the man. Unlike The Man, who's so whipped by his wife that he can never liveblog.

9:31 - Dude. This creepy-ass Homeland Security guy has GOT to go. And I want to see Chloe kick his ass. Okay, verbal ass-kicking will be sufficient. Well done, Chloe. Well, well done.

Now start making out with New Edgar.

9:33 - "Hey! Put on a hard hat! Hey! Don't shoot my co-workers! Hey! Get your hand off my shoulder. Hey! He wasn't my friend, I actually didn't much like the prick. Still, I'd rather you don't shoot me, too."

9:34 - Sam's doing good so far. Everyone else is dying, but he's fine.

Is anyone else amused by nerdy engineer types in hard hats? How about when terrorist start picking them off like ducks in a shooting gallery?

9:39 - Why is Red Foreman out by himself? And where did Wayne get the rifle?

9:41 - Yeah, Jack is letting his feelings for Penis-nose get in the way, like he did for cougar-bait. But can we point out that he always ends up doing the right thing because of that?

Wow, punching a federal marshall is NOT a good idea. "He's using you. He wanted you to get inside my head. And it worked. Now I'm... upset." Nice. That is a great lead-in to the bad cop stuff.

9:43 - Someday, his superiors are going to figure out that they should just do whatever Jack says, whenever he says it.

Seems like Audrey likes the choking, but not the drugs so much.

No, I take that back—she's still craving the Bauer. S4GF is back as S5.5GF. Damn. Penis-nose is here to stay.

9:46 - New Edgar is AWESOME. Also paranoid about sexual harassment. I have to admit though, I'd probably find subtle ways to sexually harass her if she works for me. (Note: to any possible future employers who are reading this and figured out who I am, that is a joke. Strictly a joke.)

9:47 - Don't shoot at Red. He'll kill you all.

Ads - Okay, folks, ten minutes left. Any predictions?

9:52 - Sounds like Sam is on target for his 15 minute goal. He must be unionized, since he originally predicted 4 times that.

9:53 - Jack got into a helicopter and clear across LA in 4 minutes. Awesome.

9:54 - I think they got a new composer for CTU theme music. It's making me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.

Bacardi and Cola about to save the day? Well, they took two guys out. I hope someone is keeping a kill-count.

9:57 - Quick Sam, don't try to help the people shooting at the terrorists, just dive under the desk! Nice move!

Aw geez. Gas releasing. NOT good.

9:58 - Okay, I'm not a chemistry major or anything. But if igniting the natural gas destroys the nerve gas, then why do we have to worry about the nerve gas being distributed in natural gas. Does anyone pipe straight natural gas into their homes? I'm pretty sure every means of natural gas delivery involves immediate ignition, doesn't it?

9:59 - Oops. Comrade HATO has a headache. That's what you get for messing with Jack.

And now they may both be dead. We'll have to see the scenes from next week.

Don't worry everyone, there will be a poll up tomorrow to see who thinks Jack is alive and who thinks he's dead. We didn't do one of those with Tony, because Tony is clearly still alive. So is Nina Myers.
Stupid 24 Questions

Instead of trying to outrun the van full o' thugs, why didn't Wayne Palmer simply hit the brakes?

Who had to collect the corpses at CTU? Thirty minutes after the nerve gas attack, there wasn't a body to be found.

Why do we never see CTU personnel going to court? I'm a detective in Philly, and I am in court almost every day. CTU must arrest some people, right?

Will anyone be brave enough to tell Jack that his canvas satchel looks queer?

B4B Challenge - 24: Final Four

The previews for this week allude that Jack smacks Audrey around for being a mole. They also show, what could be, the final moments of either Wayne Palmer and/or Red Foreman. Which is cool with me, because Red and Shaft are not in my 24: Final Four.

What is the 24: Final Four? They are characters who will make it to the end of Season 5. My list includes George Mason, Token, President Subaru, and Martha Logan. Who do you think will make it till the end?

Blogs4Bauer Challenge
1) 24: Final Four
Guess the Body Count

Vote in the poll and then submit your guesses for the 24: Final Four and the body count for tonight's episode.

Which characters will make it
out of Season 5 of 24 alive?

(Pick 4)
Jack Bauer
Curtis Manning
Biff Henderson
President Logan
Martha Logan
Wayne Palmer
President Suburu
Chiggy Killer (Buchanan)
S4GF (Audrey)
Comrade HATO (Bierko)
Frau Blucher
Tony Almeida
George Mason
Kim Bauer

Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess - 4)
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob - 5
Episode 8 - 14 Bodies
Deathlok - 13
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR - 7
Episode 10 - 8 Bodies
The Man - 8
Episodes 11, 12 - 14 Bodies
JWookie - 13
fmragtops - 15
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin - 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim - 3

Friday, March 24, 2006

A Tough Decision Caption Contest

A Tough Decision Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Carnival of Life

*As heard on Instapundit and Instapundit's 3/22 Podcast (26:20 into the podcast)

The Carnival of Bauer™!!! Week 4

Tony's still not dead, for those of you who are curious. And, strangely, neither was anyone else this week. Seriously, isn't this show supposed to be written for the bloodthirsty among us? Why has it been so long since Jack killed anyone? More importantly, why was there no death whatsoever in this week's episode?

Consider this the Carnival of Life™

While we're on the subject of life, I should warn you that the Carnival of Bauer™ may be short-lived. I've gotten simply too busy at work to keep up the carnival myself, so I need your help.

Here's what you can do: volunteer! Uncle Jack wants you!

If you'd be willing to host a Carnival of Bauer™ in the future, send an email to Jack Bauer and volunteer your services. We are going to turn this into a rotation, so even if you can't do it next week, send Jack an email and let him know what week you can do it. Then the only deaths we'll have to see will be on 24 (assuming they ever kill anyone again), and not this blog.

Emperor Misha I, at Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, echoes my complaint about no death, asking So When Will The Killing Start? Honestly, why didn't the writers have Jack go hunt Kim's new boyfriend as soon as he got out of CTU? Or couldn't he have killed the German? Then nobody would know that he'd broken his "wet list" promise.

Karen of Scottsdale, on time this week, gives us The View from [her] Chair, commenting on this week's episode. Interesting thoughts, but I think she's wrong on one point: Jack's betrayal of the Kraut was not a surprise. I expected the chip to fry the guy's Treo in more of a digital fashion (self-corrupting data, a virus, something like that), not, you know, actually fry it—but still, I think a lot of us saw that coming.

John Hollandsworth at Light along the Journey waxes way too philosophic for my 24-related tastes, commenting on the line "Everyone Is For Sale." It's interesting—just don't expect to laugh at this one.

FIAR at Radioactive Liberty should be more careful about his posts. He points out some things he doesn't like about 24, which is fine. But if Jack heard him, he might be in some serious trouble...

Pantrygirl at Now What? has lots to say about this week's episode. She starts out with a bang, stating:
If Audrey is the mole, my dog is an Interpol operative.
If you read the whole thing, you'll also find out that she's got the hots for the German intelligence guy—now that he's dumped Collette, I think she should go for it.

Jwookie at Cake or Death (they're out of cake) does his weekly thing. He's pretty sure that Audrey is the mole (I'm selling tickets to the fight between Jwookie and Pantrygirl), and that Tony is dead (Pantrygirl will win at the last second as I intervene to strike Jwookie down).

And it looks like Justin at Justin's Random Thoughts will support the Pantrygirl coalition of the willing. He thinks the "Audrey-as-traitor" concept is BS.

Rob Carr of UnSpace is still playing 24:The Game, and offers up his liveblog of the second hour. I haven't read it, because I'm sure there are spoilers—but you should go right ahead.

Nat, at Mini-Obs, offers her 13 favorite lines from 24. There are definitely some good ones in there.

Lawhawk of A Blog For All thinks that Jack Bristow might have some advice for Jack Bauer. Maybe Jack should spend more of his time looking for medieval super-weapons?

And finally, a shameless plug for The Man, of both GOP and the City and Blogs4Bauer, who has an amusing What Would Jack Do annecdote.

And that's it for The Carnival of Life™, you bloodthirsty warmongers. I know you're disappointed that no one died in the making of this Carnival of Bauer™.

Make sure you read what everyone has to say, and if you enjoy any of it, give us a link. We provide the Carnival of Bauer™ each week as a public service, but we need your help spreading the word that it's here. Feel free to use this image:

Or, feel free to include a link to our submission button:
Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!

And, if you're here for the first time, check out the sidebars. In particularly, on the left side you can find "Jack's Favorite Posts," a collection of some of our most popular posts. Enjoy, and come back often!

Previous Carnivals:
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer™
The Carnival of Bauer™ — Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar™
The Carnival of Tony™

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

B4B Fight Club: Zombie Nightmare Edition

Tony: '24'
Age: thirty-something
Nationality: American
Occupation: Dead
Death Count: Himself
Strengths: Really, really good looking.
Weaknesses: Things that blow up, terrorists who hostagify his wife, oh... and guys who pretend to be dead so they can inject him with drugs. (Hmm, maybe he should have fought Charlie).
Curious Detail: Is now reunited with the woman he enjoyed carnal relations with, his wife

Boon: 'Lost'
Age: twenty-something
Nationality: American
Occupation: Dead
Death Count: Himself
Strengths: Can survive one plane crash, but not two.
Weaknesses: Whiny little bitch.
Curious Detail: Is now reunited with the woman he enjoyed carnal relations with, his sister

I know what you're thinking. No contest. Even suffering from bomb-related injuries, Tony could kick Boon's lily ass from one end of the island to the t'other. However, you fail to consider "Island Magic." The Island enabled Locke to walk again, got Sun pregnant, and brought Jack's father back from the dead in hallucinatory form. Who says that the island couldn't likewise enhance Boon's fighting strength? And was Tony really that tough? A real man would have let the terrorists cut his wife's eyeballs out.

My $.02... Tony would still kick Boon's lily ass, and both would spend a lot time screaming "Not the face! Not the face!" but it would not be as easy as it may look.

Counterpoint: Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - Vladimir Bierko

Poor, poor Agent Bauer. Me and my associates feel for your loss. Your lovely wife Teri paid the ultimate price for her interference, and your equally lovely - and equally bitchy - daughter Kimberly's life has turned to shambles. Their transgressions have not gone unpunished, and neither will yours. For you see, Thin Mints are only the beginning.

Since you will no longer be a threat to us, allow me to enlighten you further.

Tagalongs are created in Afghanistan, and are actually spawned from the poppy seed. No American can eat just one, which is splendid. For you see, Tagalongs will cripple your work force. Already, the number of firings for "peeing hot," as your people so eloquently put it, have expanded exponentially. The American economy will crumble within weeks.

Samoas are manufactured in Uzbekistan. Since they are sympathetic to our cause, they have modified the ingredients to include crack cocaine. Samoas are part of a vast conspiracy to target the African-American male. And all this time you thought it was Ronald Reagan. Surely you must have noticed Curtis Manning's rapid weight loss.

Caramel deLites are light in calories, but high in meth content. Eat up, America, and everyone will look like Audrey Raines!

Friendship Circles are ricin-based. Delicious, but deadly!

We truly wish you could be alive long enough to see our plan to fruition, Agent Bauer, but time is money in the terror game. And, as you can plainly see in the photo below, we are armed to the teeth. Maybe this will teach you to meddle in the affairs of the Motherland.

Point: Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic
-CTU Agent Jack Bauer

Carnival of Bauer Update

If you do not submit a post to The Carnival of Bauer ™!!!, we'll have Buckley post more David Hasselhoff images.

That's a threat, unless your name happens to be Andrew Sullivan.

Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!

Point: Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic

Point: Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic
-CTU Agent Jack Bauer

You might recall my "drug" addiction following Season 2. Can you seriously blame me? I had a retarded daughter, a dead wife, and I just had the worst day of my life...again. In those dark months, I told people that I was hooked on "heroin" as an excuse for my behavior, meanwhile the real drug I was abusing came in a little green box, you know them as Thin Mints. CTU needs to act now and take out the street peddlers and their organization. You have no idea how far I'm willing to go to get this junk off the street.

Frozen, melted, just out of the box. These minty cookies come to you in boxes that display youthfulness and joy, but they only bring pain. Now I intend to deliver a box of pain to the group behind Thin Mints.

Just put me in the room with the leader of this outfit and I'll make sure that when I'm finished with them, they are gonna wish they ever felt that good again. You probably don't think that I can force a towel down their little throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto one little bit at the end. When their stomach starts to digest it, I'll pull it out. Taking their stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It's very painful.

There are things in this world which are out of our control. Sometimes we like to blame ourselves for them so we can try to make sense out of them. The group behind these Thin Mints can...and will be brought down. We are running out of time and I need a hacksaw.

Counterpoint: Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - Vladimir Bierko

Make sure to get your Carnival of Bauer ™!!! submissions in today!
Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - I'm going to make it!
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Germany Reacts To Bauer's Deceit (*Double Super Hasselhoff Warning*)

We reported yesterday about Monday night's decision by Jack Bauer to double-cross an undercover German government operative in order to expedite a terror investigation. At that time we also predicted that a severe German response would be forthcoming.

Just moments ago we received word that the German offensive has begun and it looks to be a ruthless onslaught. As citizens of the United States (as well as members of the human race) we take no pleasure in being right on this matter.

"We were left with no alternative," stated Hans von Schusskrieg, the German Minister of Unconventional Warfare. "Bauer, and by default the United States, has insulted the German people through his underhanded double-dealings. We have ways of handling such insolence."

Our sources are reporting that the first wave of attacks has begun and that the method being used is almost too terrible to comprehend. Leaflets containing a photograph of David Hasselhoff clad only in a Chess King leather jacket and a 1980's era, black, "banana hammock" are being air-dropped over major cities nationwide.

"This is what is known as the 'softening-up' phase," stated psy-ops expert General Harkin Buczek of the U.S. Marine Corps. "They're banking on the fact that we'll be so bedazzled by Hasselhoff's 'man-pretty' that we won't have the will to fight. The key is to not look at the picture at all. Not the thick, luxurious hair. Not the crisp, welcoming, white smile. None of it. Just look away."

Update: San Francisco has fallen.
Update II: Vermont too.
Update III: And Massachusetts.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

CTU Heaven 2.0

CTU Heaven 2.0

Now this one is a little more difficult.
The first person to identify all 16 will get a free copy of the NSA's "wet list" saved on a Blogs4Bauer exploding memory stick.

It's A Conspiracy!

It's A Conspiracy!

Everyone put on your tin foil hats, as I'm about to lay out for you the reason that Tony is still alive.

First off, as explained below, Tony is not scheduled to act in any upcoming films or television shows—so he can't possibly be dead.

Second, why was Tony so quick to want to kill Henderson? And what exactly was he planning to inject the guy with? Maybe he had no intention of killing Henderson, but was trying to help him! He wanted to inject Henderson with the same stuff that Jack took to fake his death last season, to help him escape.

Henderson woke up, didn't know that Tony was just trying to help, and injected Tony instead.

So why didn't Henderson know Tony was trying to help? Because Tony did what every other good mole in CTU history has done—he made everyone think the mole was someone else (i.e. Penis-nose (a.k.a. S4GF)).

But this is where the plot thickens.

Why would Tony try to help Henderson? Because Tony was recruited by Palmer.

Remember Henderson was not working with the terrorists, he was working with the neocons to set-up the terrorists. So was Palmer (which is how he knew about the whole thing and why he wanted to alert President Weasel). The terrorists found out he was a threat, and they were going to take him out—but he found out in time and faked his own death. He didn't have time to warn the others, however, so they managed to take out Michelle (and tried to get Tony) because they were in on it too—not just because it would help frame Jack like they claimed.

So Tony knows that he and Henderson are on the same side, and was trying to save him.

Wayne Palmer is trying to get to the President to tell him that his brother is still alive.

A living Tony is being wheeled into the morgue, but will hopefully come to at some point.

And so, Tony remains without a full X on the banner for this page, at least for another couple of hours.

I figured it out. The woman's schnozz is so big, that it finally took on a life of its own and betrayed her by turning the schematics over to Colette without letting the dimwit know about it.

Either that or Paul isn't really dead and has been playing "hide the salami" with Nina this past year just waiting for a chance to stick it to his faithless wife by framing her.

Another pretentious, teduious summary can be found here.

Tony is not dead

Tony is not dead
"But, but, but... they pulled a sheet over him!"

So what? Since when does pulling a sheet over someone make them dead? I pull a sheet over myself every night, and I'm not dead yet. (Or maybe I am and I'm typing to you from beyond the graaave... whooooooooooo...)

Moving on, pulling a sheet over someone does not a dead body make. Just look at President Palmer! They pulled a sheet over him over 12 hours ago, and now we've got his brother Wayne trying to get to the sitting President to let him know that the whole thing was staged.

Mark my words: Palmer and Tony will both return... as sheet ghosts!

Either that, or Palmer was written out of the show so that he could film that new PoS "The Unit", and Tony was written out so he could star in... um...

See?? He can't possibly be dead, because he doesn't have another project coming up on IMDB.

Edgar has more coming.
Michelle likewise has more coming.
Palmer has "The Unit" (but isn't actually dead).
Samwise has a ton, including one called "Cowboys for Christ." (Weird)
Even Kim had a reason to be written off.

Tony's got nothing—hence, no reason for the writers to kill him, hence he's not dead.

Kill Counter Sponsored by The Number Zero

Kill Counter Sponsored by The Number Zero
This post is brought to you by The Number Zero. As in zero people died during the hours of 8pm and 9pm.

But the Jack Bauer Kill Counter is never idle. My estimate of 7 people killed in the Tex-Mex nerve gas attack on CTU was a bit off. Chiggy and Homeland Security put the number at 56 CTU employees died. I assume they counted Tony in that number, since he's dead. After adding in the zero kills from last night and the revised kill total from the attack, the Kill Counter went into triple digits.

With that milestone, I revised the Kill Counter image.
Dear Lord Jack Bauer, What Have You Done?

Nice job Jack. You may have finally done it this time.

I am talking of course about last night's double-crossing of the German undercover operative. Germans do not take kindly to insults Jack, and this one cannot be ignored as it occurred on international television.

You have one hour of live tv time a week. One. On Monday nights. Couldn't you have screwed him over on a Tuesday or a Wednesday, or on a commercial break for that matter, to allow the Germans to save face?

Oh I know you may have saved a few hundred thousand lives, but at what cost? You have to know that there will be a terrible price to pay for this. Or have you forgotten about the now infamous Hasselhoff Conflict of '98?

I have already uploaded this information to your hand-held, but for the sake of our readers let me briefly refresh your memory:

-October 23, 1998- David Hasselfhoff's new album, I Did It All For KITT, debuts in Germany to rave reviews.
-October 27, 1998- I Did It All For KITT is panned by a Chudsikstani music critic, severely damaging Germanic pride and causing an international incident.
-October 28, 1998- Germany declares war and by the end of the day, the country of Chudsikstan is no more.

Check your maps. It's gone.

Jack, please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that you could not defeat Germany in an all out war. Obviously you could. Even if they were allied with Italy. Okay, especially if they were allied with Italy. The question is, do you really have the extra half hour to spare right now?

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 8:00 pm and 9:00 pm

8:00:00 to 8:13:14

I was promised "hardcore."

The very first sight we, the viewer, are treated to, is Tony having a sheet drawn over his head, which should end the "Is Tony Dead?" speculation, unless the Tex-Mex gas revives him and he stumbles around CTU muttering "Brains, Brains..." Anyway, Chloe has already picked up on the terrorist’s communications with Heidi Fleiss somehow, and an assault team is being formed up. Knowing the target is a high-ranking Hollywood hooker; volunteers are easy to come by.

Meanwhile, Weasel is preparing to involve Martian Law, and being pretty much out of SeaLab 2021 references, we'll leave it at that. Mary Todd makes a last ditch attempt to talk him Weasel out of it, arguing that Vice President Murphy is just setting him up for a fall. "Why would he do a weaselly thing like that?" Weasel asks. "After all, he is a politician."

During Weasel's speech announcing Martian Law, Frau Blucher arrives at CTU. Meanwhile, her weenie, Creepy HLS Jerk, kicks Edgar's corpse out of the way and demands Chloe's CTU Shopper's Club Card. Chloe is reluctant to give it up, being just one punch away from either a free small sub or an unauthorized intrusion, but Creepy HLS Jerk prevails.

Then, David Palmer's brother, Shaft Palmer, calls Red Foreman. He has something from his brother he needs to give him personally. "You're not hitting on me again," Foreman asks. "No, this is important," Shaft assures him. "All right, Dumbass, I'll make sure you can pass through the roadblocks.

Martian Law is having some trouble getting under way as most of the California National Guard is caught in traffic on the 405, and the Crips and Bloods have the 82nd Airborne pinned down in South Central. But VP Murphy is reassuring. "Don't worry, Mr. President. I'm in control of this situation. Meanwhile, have some nice fresh chicken entrails."

Meanwhile, Heidi Fleiss and her stud, who kind of looks like a scruffy cross between Baltar from BSG and Desmond from Lost. Anyway, Heidi and Baltar are parting company. Heidi is headed for the airport, but she intends to stop off on the way to sell Comrade HATO the schematics to the "Distribution Center," where the Tex-Mex gas will kill 200K people. And I am really, really starting to wonder... since the terrorists originally supposedly were planning to take the gas to Russia, how did they put together such a thorough back-up plan... hitting CTU, hitting the distribution center, setting up an appointment with Heidi Fleiss (which is usually a three-week wait unless you're Charlie Sheen)... in less than 8 hours?

8:17:36 to 8:24:13

Back at Frau Blucher tells Chiggy Killer that CTU is now under the control of Homeland Security. "Sorry, Chiggy, but CTU is just too incompetent to be trusted with a National Emergency. But don't worry, we're bringing in the entire Hurricane Katrina Emergency Response Team to take over CTU operations." She then explains why it would be a bad idea to use school buses to evacuated people who are in danger of being toxically gassed.

Elsewhere, Bacardi and Cola are moving in on Heidi Fleiss's apartment or hotel room or whatever it is. The find a rumpled bed, and a Dateline NBC production crew scanning the sheets for semen stains. Sensing that they may be too late, the teams move into the stairwells and strike dramatic poses with their guns. Suddenly Cola gets jumped by Scruffy Baltar who manages to get Cola's gun. Then, Jack appears pulls a gun on Baltar, and encourages him to surrender. Baltar identifies himself as an agent with German Intelligence. Chloe soon confirms his identity.

Jack demands to know where Heidi Fleiss is. Desmond Baltar refuses to tell him. "I will not help you. Your American lives are far less valuable than our pure, Aryan, German lives." "I get to hurt you, now," Jack says.

8: 28:35 to 8:36:39

Heidi Fleiss arrives in Comrade HATO's Evil Lair. She is patted down repeatedly by one of his minions. Soon, she meets with Comrade HATO. The files are on a memory stick, but they are encrypted. Ah, so she saw what happened to Badger a few episodes back. She's one smart whore. Anyway, she says she'll only give him the decoder ring to decrypt the files after funds are transferred to her accounts in Zurich. Comrade HATO obliges, and she gives him the decoder ring. She leaves, and he decrypts the files. They read B-E S-U-R-E T-O D-R-I-N-K Y-O-U-R O-V-A-L-T-I-N-E. Comrade HATO is furious, "Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!"

Meanwhile back at CTU, S4GF is trying to reason with German Intelligence, with about the level of success one would expect. "They refuse to cooperate and some sicko named Dieter keeps asking me to touch his monkey." Bacardi asks Cola to leave him alone with Baltar. Cola gives him a "Please, Hammer, don't hurt him," look, and then obliges. Since torture seldom works on Germans, Jack offers Scruffy Baltar a deal. In exchange for Heidi Fleiss's whereabouts, he'll give him the "wet-list" --- the list of every operative CTU knows about in the world. Scruffy Baltar gets weird for a moment... as though consulting with some sort of hallucinatory underwear model... then agrees. Jack asks Chloe for the list. "I can't get that for you, Jack. The Katrina team is in place, and they're having us round up all the blacks." But, Chloe promises to figure out something. She dumps a hot steaming cup of coffee onto HLS Jerk's lap --- which all of us enjoy. While he's distracted, she accesses NSA servers and gets the wet list, which she quickly shoots to Jack.

Baltar is satisfied with the authenticity of the list. "All right, then. Let's meet Heidi at airport."

Meanwhile, Comrade HATO is preparing to move out of his hide-out to begin the attack on the Ovaltine Distribution Center. "Let the cleansing flame of the Ori torch this place," he pronounces.

8:40:54 to 8:49:54

Shaft Palmer is stopped at a roadblock by the National Guard, who've been told he's a bad mother ... shut yo' mouth... but I'm talking about Shaft. After dicking with him, VP Murphy agrees to let him through, since he can dig it. Meanwhile, Jack and Baltar have folded space-time to arrive at the Van Nuys airport approximately two minutes after leaving their previous location.

At CTU, Chiggy calls Chloe into the Situation Room. Turns out HLS Jerk has ratted her out. Frau Blucher is furious. Horses are whinnying wildly. They call Jack. And say, "Jack, whatever you do, don't give the wet-list to the Kraut." This makes Scruffy Baltar jumpy, o, Jack pulls a gun on him. He tells Frau Blucher to stuff herself, because Heidi Fleiss is the only lead they got and the wet-list is the only way to get to her. "But that list will screw every counter-terrorism operation in the world," Frau Blucher fumes. "Only the New York Times and Senator Jay Rockefeller are allowed to do that."

At this horribly awkward moment, Heidi Fleiss pulls into the airport in a tacky red Lexus. Jack and his team move in to arrest her. A dozen CTU agents line up for the chance to pat down Heidi Fleiss. Baltar gets into his car and drives off. As he prepares to pass the list to German Intelligence, Unfortunately, Jack used his joke memory stick, and it blows up his PDA.

Jack calls Baltar on his cell phone. "Ha-Ha," he says using his Nelson Muntz voice.

8:54:15 to 8:59:59

Hey, not to go off topic or anything, but does that Unanimous show look really dumb or what?

Anyway, Jack prepares to interrogate Heidi Fleiss. She asks to be alone with him. She asks him how much it will cost to make this situation go away. "Do I look like the Mexican Police to you?" Jack tells her. Heidi demures, "All right, I'll help you out, but I want the same immunity deal that one guy got in Season 3... except, I want to live." Jack calls Frau Blucher to set up the immunity deal.

"See," Chiggy tells her. "We got Heidi Fleiss, and we're hot on the trail of the terrorists. Even at half strength, we're still doing a better job than you dweebs at Homeland Security."

"Shut up and help me load the torpedo tubes," Blucher says. "We have to take out those levees."

"There are no levees in Los Angeles, ma'am." Chiggy informs her.

"Well, then we'll build some levees and then torpedo them. Now, where do I find Compton?"

Meanwhile, on a long lonesome highway outside the presidential retreat, Shaft Palmer gets into a drag race with some heavily armed dudes in a Ford Econoline Van. They shoot out his tires, run him off the road, and set up an excellent cliffhanger to draw us back in next week.

But wait... there's more... once Heidi Fleiss finds out she's immune, she reveals the source of her data is in the DOD ... and she fingers S4GF.

OK, pretty cool. Not really what I'd call "hardcore," but not too bad.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Live Blogging 8pm - 9pm

Evening, all! My name is Wyatt Earp of Support Your Local Gunfighter, and I am here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. I am also here Live Blog 24 from 8-9pm. Monday is quickly becoming Fox's home run night, now that the second best Fox show, Prison Break, is back. So, grab a snack and a beverage of your choosing, and let's get ready to rumble!

8:57pm (Earth Time) - I don't believe they are gonna bring Lincoln to the chair then end this episode!!! Sorry. Right about now, Citizen Grim is commenting that I am the mole.

8:00pm - Mmm . . . the graphic violence disclaimer. I'm all atingle!

8:00pm - Well, it looks like the junkie is now a corpsie. Heh. Since when did Logan hire Carrie Fisher as his Press Secretary?

8:06pm - A curfew? Hear that, Tyler D? All juveniles must be in bed with their blankies, post haste! This Homeland Security broad is in dire need of some hot monkey lovin'!

8:08pm - How great will it be when Chloe bitch-slaps this Homeland Security toad? Uh-oh, looks like Aaron may be seeking a booty call!

8:10pm - Martial Law? Where's that fat Asian guy from that lame CBS show???

8:12pm - Terrorist, schmerrorist. This chick makes Kim Bauer look like Janet Reno! Thigh-high leather boots, AND a Russian accent? Oh my God, it's my perfect woman!!!

8:14pm - Commercial break! So, how disappointing is my Live Blogging? I am about as entertaining as Jm J. Bullock!

8:17pm - Kudos to lawhawk for a Snake Plissken reference in the comments. OUTSTANDING! There is no curfew in Farmington - Vic Mackey has that one under control.

8:20pm - Gotta like Curtiss' high-ready position with his firearm. Oh, nevermind. Great, the Germans are involved. Seig heil!

8:24pm - See, that whole "Diplomatic Immunity" crap didn't work in Lethal Weapon 2. Why would this Eurotrash think it'd work now?

8:26pm - Oh, swell, another Katie Holmes movie. *Gag*

8:28pm - Nice wheels, baby . . . and I don't mean the car. Hold on, you mean Germany isn't cooperating with us? Say it isn't so!!!

8:30pm - I also have a "Wet List," but Jack probably doesn't want it. It mostly consists of BSG babes. Good job, Chloe: the old spill the drink on the groin trick.

8:33pm - That's right, Oksana, keep pissing off Bierko.

8:36pm - "Torch" the place? That's arson! It's a felony!!! What is up with this guy???

8:37pm - Please don't think that this lame Live Blogging is an adequate representative of my blog. SYLG is much more boring than this! It's very difficult to think of sarcastic things to say every damned minute. I'm breaking a sweat here!

8:39pm - Ya know when the VP was a Senator, he strangled a girl during sex on a Japanese corporations table. Classy! (Bonus points to decrypt that reference.)

8:40pm - Yeah, we all know what the Germans did for their country. Just ask Poland. Sorry, cheap shot.

8:44pm - It IS Jack's call. He has the gun. He is with the goose-stepper. And damn, woman, put on some makeup!

8:48pm - Eddie Vedder pulled a Quagmire! Boink 'em, and leave 'em! The price: an exploding PDA. Same thing happened to my Game Boy after 102 straight hours of Metal Gear.

8:49pm - I predict The ATL will make billions!

8:54pm - OH. MY. GOD! Oksana is CUFFED!!! Who else wants to go to the nudie bar? Don't fall for it, Buchanan - it's the schematics for Scores in Manhattan!

8:57pm - Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Party time! Time to die! Why try and outrun the van when the door opens? HIT THE DAMNED BRAKES!

8:59pm - Road trip with Oksana! SWEET!

Post-script - Next week looks fab! Somebody better hook up Audrey to the drug/torture machine. And where the hell is Robocop??? Somebody better answer my frakkin' questions, RIGHT NOW!!!

Oh well, yet another action-packed episode. And for the record, I missed Oksana saying her contact was Audrey. I WAS TYPING!!! Damn. Thank God for TiVo, and thanks for your patience with my hatchet job. I'm out! Enjoy The Psychedelic Furs!

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count

George Mason developed radiation sickness during Season 2 of 24. Mason took the controls of a plane (that Jack Bauer was supposed to pilot) loaded with a nuclear devise and flew it into the Mojave Desert. He then crashed the plane and detonated the bomb, robbing Jack Bauer another chance to sacrifice himself.

The other George Mason took out Michigan State and North Carolina in the NCAA Tournament crashing my bracket and robbing me of a chance to win $100. Jack Bauer was too busy with the Illinois-Washington game to help out.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess the Body Count

Jack Bauer's out for revenge because Tony is really dead, Edgar never paid him back the $5 he borrowed, and Tom Green is boinking his daughter. The death count forecast shows a mix of Russians with bad accents and a Biff Henderson.

Submit your guess for the final body count for tonight. Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter.

Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess - 4)
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob - 5
Episode 8 - 14 Bodies
Deathlok - 13
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR - 7
Episode 10 - 8 Bodies
The Man - 8
Episodes 11, 12 - 14 Bodies
JWookie - 13
fmragtops - 15
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin - 3

Friday, March 17, 2006

Bring Back Behrooz

Bring Back Behrooz Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Photoshop Entries
- Greg Chance