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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Counterpoint: Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber
by Donald Rumsfeld

Mr, Ah-ma . . . um, Ahma . . . Screw it, I'll just call you Adolf. Ya know, is it too much to ask for you people have names that are easy to pronounce? My name is Rumsfeld. Rums-feld. Easy. Anyway, since my Sith apprentice, er, valued employee Jack Bauer is busy, I would like to address your concerns:

First, you should be very proud of Habib Marwan. Like a true Middle Eastern zealot, he died like a beyotch at the hands of an American hero. It is a shame that he will miss out on his 72 virgins, but I hear that his consolation prize - 72 Hasidic Jewish women - will be pretty swell, too. Heh.

Second, Jack Bauer has my expressed permission to torture, maim, kill, and rape any non-citizen with impunity. I have assigned bonuses to certain nationalities. If Jack slits the throat of an Iraqi, he receives a set of steak knives. When he attaches a car battery to the nipples of a Russian separatist, he receives a paid vacation to the Bahamas. And every time he spills the blood of an Iranian terrorist, he gets a night of passion with Jessica Simpson. Do the math, Adolf.

Finally, if you truly desire nuclear weapons, Jack will answer your noontime prayers. The bombing begins in five minutes. "Lalalalala!"

By the way, I loved you in Perfect Strangers.

Point: Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans
by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


Dionne said...

LOL--:-)))) I love Rumsfeld and thought this was hilarious!!

Good job Wyatt!!

Anonymous said...

I just imagined Jack Bauer with 10 sets of steak knives on a year long vacation with Jessica Simpson.

RFTR said...

I'm pretty sure it's actually 72 hasidic men dressed as women.

Anonymous said...

This reminds me, we need a Rummy vs Heller matchup in the B2B Fight Club.