Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

OK, why do we have to recap the stuff we just watched?

The Following Takes Place Between 06:00 am and 07:00 am

06:00 to 06:14:22
What did I tell ya? About two minutes after hitting the sheets, Prez and Mary Todd Weasel have finished making sex like crazed weasels and are neatly putting their clothes back on. Meanwhile, Jack has put on a flight suit to disguise himself as the chopper’s co-pilot. Chloe has managed to get the real co-pilot removed from the flight. Jack accesses The Matrix and has the instructions for flying Marine One downloaded directly into his brain. Chloe sends fake credentials to Dick Cheney, who sends them to Red Foreman. The dumbass co-pilot comes to the locker room, and Red distracts him while Jack takes the co-pilot out in a sleeper hold. He then boards the chopper.

The motorcade pulls up to the landing area. Cheney whispers to Mary Todd that Jack is on the helicopter. Mry Todd has to think of a reason not to go with him. She leans over to the Prez. "Hey, Chuck, I just remembered, I left my Tampax at the ranch, and I'm having a heavy flow day. And I don't want to stain the seats on Air Force 1." Weasel agrees that this is gross and leaves her behind.

The chopper takes off with Jack in the co-pilot’s seat. As soon as they are airborne, Jack points his gun at the pilot. "OK, trained Marine pilot, do what I tell you or I'll shoot you." Jack then goes in back and tasers the two secret service dudes. He strips his helmet off and the look on Weasel’s face when he sees Jack is priceless.

Chloe orders the chopper to lnd at an industrial part. Then, Jack tasers the strikingly handsome Marine chopper pilot, leads the president of of the supposed 'Marine 1 at gun point, and then takes him into an abandoned printing facility. Probably one of the ones used by the LA Times before their circultion went into the toilet. Jack searches the president, removes his personal effects, handcuffs him to a pole, and prepares him for the worst torture imaginable: reading him several years worth of Robert Scheer columns.

About that time, Al Bundy O’Brien enters with the modified field equipment Jack requested. Then he leaves. Chloe calls to tell Jack he has 20 minutes to shake a confession from the weasel, or they will all be tried for treason.

06:18:33 to 06:24:54
Weasel taunts Jack. "You'll never get a confession out of me." Jack responds by reading off the bullet points of what Weasel has done:
- Helped terrorists acquire Tex-Mex nerve gas
- Assasinated David Palmer
- Killed innocent civilians to cover his lies
- And also Sid Blumenthal
- Tried to have Red Foreman killed.

Weasel sneers, "So, what are you going to do? Dance around me with a straight-edge razor and then cut my ear off while listening to 'Stuck in the Middle With You? You haven't got the cobblestones."

"The good news is, I'm not going to torture you,” Jack tells him. “The bad news is, I am going to kill you if you don't tell me. Confess at the count of three, or I will kill you. Tell me who your co-conspirators are or I will shoot you on the count of three."

Jack pulls out the gun and counts..




But Jack pussies out. He lets himself be arrested by the Secret Service as the president smugly re-pockets his personal belongings and orders Jack to be taken to the nearest loony ward.

06:29:05 to 06:35:22

Five minutes later, the helicopter is landing at the airfield and Mary Todd is waiting. President Weasel steps off his crappy gray Seahawk helicopter that looks nothing like the Marine One we are used to and approaches the podium as David Palmer’s flag-draped coffin is lowered respectfully to the ground.

Mary Todd loses it, calls her husband a murderer, and is dragged away literally kicking and screaming into an airplane hangar. After making sure the building is secure, Weasel walks in and starts slapping her around like Jackson Brown. Then, he accuses her, correctly, of delaying the helicopter, so Jack could be on-board. And, in the course of beating her, he gives the full confession Jack wasn't able to get out of him.

06:39:57 to 06:49:04
President Weasel approaches the podium and prepares to give his David Palmer obsequies. He praises him as a great American, a ood soldier, a personal friend, and one hell of an Allstate spokesman.

Meanwhile, Chloe has patched CTU to the Attorney General. She has a recorded confession from Prez Weasel. It’s the confession he made to Mary Todd in the hangar. The recording device was placed on the president’s pen. CTU heard every word of his confession (but I think it’s the slapping around his wife that really sealed his fate, impeachment-wise.) They play the recording back for the attorney general who turns white as a … okay he was pretty darn pale to begin with, but, he is pretty gosh-darn upset.

One of Prez Weasel’s Secret Service guys gets a call. President Weasel sees his SS phalanx acting nervous (amd where the Hell is that Moose guy.), he thinkg, ”Oh, no, not another terrorist attac. That wasn't suppose to happen until Wednesday. Gosh darn oil cabal.”

But, instead, the secret service is there to arrest him and take him into custody, prior to his all-but-certain gosh-darn impeachment. He begins to wish he had just ate his gun in the first place.

S4GF meets with Jack. He lunges for her and gives her a big manly kiss. Jack is granted one moment of happiness, but, much like 'Angel,' he must now pay for it.
Just then, Jack gets a call from Cougarbait. He takes it inside to answer it, and promises S4GF that they can begin their life together, and everything will be wonderful again.

But it is not Cougarbait. Instead, three guys in black ski masks and leather jackets chloroform Jack and drag him out.

06:53:35 to 07:00:00
Chiggy and Frau Blucher say goodbye. Frau Blucher promises to put him back in charge of CTU, but refuses his offer of one of his famous “Bill Buchanan Breakfast Specials” (McGriddles and a SuperSized cup of Jim Beam). Then, Chiggy gives Chloe a picture of her and Edgar she doesn't remember posing for. Then, she realizes it's a PhotoShop with her face on the nude body of Eva Longoria. “Oh, Edgar…”

S4GF goes into the building, finds the phone off the hook. She is upset and orders the cops to search for Jack… then remembers she just signed a deal to star in her own show and hops onto a Segway and takes off to star in her own series on ABC.

Soon, Jack is revealed to be in the hands of the Butchers of Beijing. Jack asks to make one phone call. They refuse. "Then, how about more cow bell?" Again, he is refused. He collapses on the floor whispering 'Kill Me.'

"Kill you? You are far too valuable to kill Mr. Bauer,” says the guy who looks like Jackie Chan. Well, actually, they all kinda do.

We then find out Jack is on a Chinese freighter... bound for a slave-labor factory will he will be forced to make Wal-Mart happy face signs for 18 hours a day.

Hey, wait a minute. That can’t be right. Since when do we export anything to China?


Anonymous said...

The real question is, what's going to happen at the beginning of next season?

Will it start off with...

1. Jack escaping from a labor camp?
2. Jack hijacking the freighter? (Not likely, it would be a direct continuation of this season.)
3. Jack somehow starting the day in the US?
4. Jack boarding another ship covertly after escaping from a labor camp, only to find the ship is filled with chinese terrorists?

I like #4 personally. Anyway, it kinda sucks now, because we have to wait until January to see Jack escape from the Jackie Chan old guy lookalike who thinks Jack killed the *dons chinese accent* "Chinee Counsola."

Dionne said...

Good job as always!!

NDwalters said...

Here's some ideas about Jack's starter on the next season.

1. Jack is about to be tortured by the Chinese, but breaks free and kills lots of guys. He escapes, and kills a conveniently placed white guy- Russian/Euro and assumes his ID and heads out. Overhears plans for an attack on the US.

2. Jack is being exchanged, some time after Day 5, for some Chinese spies the US caught. During the exchange a sniper tries to kill Jack, but hits their own guys. Chinese government sets up Jack, who escapes back to the US.

3. Audrey, Secretary Heller, or Mike Novick get killed off by terrorists, prompting Jack's wrath and an escape. Or maybe Kim gets kidnapped, and Pony Boy- her shrink bf, is wasted.

4. We see Jack running through the streets of Shanghai(he escaped the boat after it docked), and he hides out in an expatriate's place. Jack convinces them to help him make a call to the US. He calls Mike Novick.

5. We begin with Logan being led into a court house, in body armor, as he gets into a van/SUV, the door shuts and it blows up. Logan's death is then followed by President Garner's assassination, now putting in the Speaker of The House, played by either:

Christopher Walken
Terry O Quinn
Daniel Von Bargen
Keith David

6. A North Korean is being held in a Chinese Maximum Security Prison. He's being beaten and tortured. Jack is outside the room and can hear this all. He overhears the Korean tell that an attack will hit the US, and it will claim the life of the US leaders and Chinese who are negotiating a resolution of force against North Korea. Jack gets out, makes it to the US Consulate, and sneaks aboard a transport to the US courtesy of sympathetic US intel agents/military attache.

Anonymous said...

Great job VtheK... your Tivo blog posts are the highlight of my late Tuesday afternoons. That and porn.

Anonymous said...


Did I just see the cliffhanger being Jack literally on a "Slow boat to China"?

I'm guessing, the Russians will secure his release from the PRC for asistance with a "common enemy"

i.e. other Russian Seperatists,
Dr Romano's secret organization,
Fire Ants, NASCAR fans, the Dutch, etc.

Anonymous said...

My guess at next season's plot is that the Chinese brainwash Jack Bauer over the course of a year into becoming an assassin for them, and next year's 24 is all about how CTU has to stop the unstoppable Jack Bauer without killing him before he can do something horrible like assassinating the President or not assassinating the finalists on American Idol.

NDwalters said...

Manchurian Candidate? Hell yeah! This time, make a decent remake premise.

Winstrol said...

Everything is very detailed!