Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Hey, interesting coincidence. On the Scifi Channel opposite the Season finale. they're showing 'Small Victories,' the episode in which Jack (O'Neill, not Bauer) has to enter a Russian submarine in order to prevent weapons of mass destruction from being unleashed.

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between 05:00 am and 06:00 am

I got a laptop in front of me and a bottle of Bridgeport, one of Oregon's finest beers, let's do this thing!

05:00:00 to 05:20:57
We all die in a Russian submarine... a Russian submarine... a Russian submarine...

Comrade HATO takes the microphone, "Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome… your Russian terrorists! I have identified 12 high-value targets! Financial centers! Transportation hubs! The Baldwin's house! Now, let's get ready to... terrorize!"

Frau Blucher has the Navy scramble jets to take out the submarine, but, naturally, they will require slightly more time to attack the submarine than HATO will have to release the missiles. It’s just more dramatic that way.

Jack is at the docks figuring out how to board the submarine, but the sub is locked down. Then, they see someone has launched a baggie of porn and whisky from one of the portholes. This can only mean someone from the US Navy is still alive aboard the sub. Chloe patches through to the sub and finds a young seaman (heh heh, seaman) who survived the attack. His nickname will be Seaman Cream. He talks to Jack and they work out a plan by which Seaman Cream, armed only with a dull rusty knife will defeat heavily armed terrorists to open an escape hatch for Jack to get in.

Jack and Biff Henderson argue over whether Biff gets to have a gun. Hundreds of computer geeks save the imagery and prepare to edit it into their next Brokeback parody. Reluctantly, Jack gives him a .45.

Nine minutes and forty seconds from missile launch, Jack and Biff are ready to whack the submarine. Jack explains to Seaman Cream, in deliciously gory detail, exactly how to slit the terrorist's throat and gut him like a fish. "Just imagine that the terrorist is your blond ex-wife, and you're an angry black professional football player turned B-list actor. And you just caught her in her driveway flirting with a metrosexual waiter."

Seaman Cream stabs his terrorist and makes for the hatch. Jack and Biff polish off a couple more guards as the missile hatches slowly open.

"You lead, we'll follow." This is Jack's way of saying, "You're probably going to die soon." And just to make sure Cream is toast, Jack comes up with an elaborate scheme for Cream to draw the hostiles out of the CIC. He does this as the terrorist target San Francisco.

Suddenly, I find myself hoping some of the missiles make it.

Seaman Cream tips over a metal trolley, which makes enough noise to draw out Comrade HATO. Then, he escapes the sub and flees the scene in a white Ford Bronco.

Jack slowly makes his way into the control room, and with three minutes to go, demonstrates the right way to slash a terrorist's throat. Biff Henderson works on deprogramming the missiles while Jack and Special Agent Expendable Decoy work on eliminating HATO's men.

Jack is ambushed by a terrorist who grabs him in a chokehold. Jack demonstrates the classic Bauer Reacharound, by which you grab a terrorist's gun hand and then force him to shoot the other terrorist. Then, Jack kills HATO with his powerful Thighs of Death... thank God he spent those lonely nights on the oilfield working out with the Suzanne Somers ThighMaster.

Meanwhile, Biff manages to disable ad deprogram all the missiles on the sub with less then ten seconds to spare. Then, he and Jack quickly flee the sub, just in case those F/A-18’s manage to reach the target before Frau Blucher can call them off.

On the top of the sub, Jack stares down Biff Henderson. "You were never really gonna let me go, were you?" Biff asks. “Duh!” Jack answers. “You killed David Palmer, you killed Tony Almeda and Michelle Dressler, you gave nerve gas to terrorists, you killed innocent civilians to cover your lies, and Naked Lunch was a pretentious piece-of-crap, two hours and six bucks I’ll never get back.” Biff goes to shoot Jack, but it turns out the gun Jack gave him has no bullets. So, instead, Jack caps Biff Henderson, whose headphones roll off the ship into the sea.

05:27:49 to 05:35:46
Jack surrenders to the cops, identifies himself, and asks for a gun, a phone, and a car. The Navy cops give him all three without even asking for identification. Then, he calls CTU. "I had to kill Biff Henderson he... um... turning into a zombie. Grrrrrr! Zombie!" They believe him, too. Everybody trusts Jack! He is ordered to return to CTU, but he confides privately to Chloe that he really intends to go after President Weasel, and he needs her help to modify some field equipment.

President Weasel gloats in his victory. "Once again, I have defeated the terrorists. Now, I need to prepare some words to say beside David Palmer's casket at Andrew's." He then calls his Oil Cabal masters and reports that everything is swell.

Mary Todd meets Dick Cheney in the hallway. Eventually, she and Red Foreman lead him to the garage and show him what's in the back of the VistaCruiser. From the look on Cheney's face I'm guessing Special Agent Moose has rather quickly gone ripe. Cheney and Red Foreman plot to take the VistaCruiser some place where the president won't find him. The drive over to Kelso's house.

05:41:34 to 05:47:05
Red Foreman and Dick Cheney are dumping the stiff, when the phone rings. "Damn it, every time I try to feed Leatherface another stiff the phone rings." It’s Jack. Jack talks to Red Foreman and Dick Cheney and reveals his secret plan to beat a confession out of Prez Weasel and record it with CTU uplink. He needs Dick Cheney to stall the president's departure so he can penetrate the compound.

Meanwhile, at CTU Frau Blucher is wondering. It's been over a half an hour since she ordered Jack to come in, he's still not there. She wonders if his space-time warping device has malfunctioned. Then, Chloe arrives and informs them that she needs authorization to bring in outside help to “recover the recording.” (So, that’s what they’re calling it these days.) They are shocked to see that she wants to bring in her husband, Al Bundy O’Brien, who’s been selling women’s shoes in Beverly Hills since leaving CTU.

05:53:55 to 05:59:59

Jack meets Red Foreman in the darkened field. Red tells him the security is too tight for him to breach the compound, and they agree that the chopper is the best option.

Al Bundy O’Brien… who turns out to be kind of a smarmy cross between Phil Collins and Bob Hoskins arrives at CTU approximately 30 seconds after Chloe gets his paperwork approved. Apparently, he leases loft space above CTU. I don’t know, I’m not asking, but considering how terrible security is in that building, I hope he’s not paying too much for rent. Anyway, he’s hitting on one of the HLS technicians who was trying to figure out how to reprogram the Russian sub’s missiles to take out the levees and flood the black neighborhoods of Los Angeles.

Chloe takes Al Bundy aside and explains to him what she really needs is someone to alter some field communications equipment. He agrees, but first, he wants to explain to everyone how he scored four Rugby goals in his final game for Polk Boy’s School.

President Weasel is getting ready to leave his retreat, but Mary Todd comes in to stall him. "Hey, remember when I said you were a scumbag and I hated your guts, well, I've decided I love you again, and it's not because I'm bi-polar or anything because my pills are working just fine." She doesn’t seem to be persuading him to stay, so finally, she says… "No, I want you to bang me like a screen door. I want you to slap my ass and make me call you daddy, I want to shake the little weasel."

He agrees to service her, but only if he gets anal*. Their tender middle-aged lovemaking will surely buy Jack the eight seconds he needs to get to the chopper.

* No matter how clean he demands the room to be, she has to do it.


Anonymous said...

Hah! Everyone knows that Rogue brews better beer than Bridgeport! Thought you could fool us?

Anonymous said...

Oregon beer? Isn't that like eating Alabama Potatoes?

voiceboy said...

When is hour two coming up?