Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between 4:00 am and 5:00 am

04:13:26 to 04:10:45
After the recap of last hour, we find Jack and Frau Blucher on their way to play the recording of President Weasel's confession. "Have you told the Atty General what's on it?" Jack asks. "Nah, I wanted it to be a surprise."

In the conference room, they check the recording. "Oh, no, it's been erased. Just like George Lucas erased every copy of the Star Wars Christmas Special." Jack turns on Chloe. ("Turn on" has two meanings, and in this case, I think both are in effect.) "How could this have happened, Chloe?" "I don't know, it must have been Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git."

Jack and Frau Blucher charge into the CTU Operations room, where SLRFG is packing up his "DHS Employee of the Week" awards into a cardboard office box and preparing to break for the door. "Security. Stop him!" A security goon comes between Jack and his prey. Jack drops the security goon with a single harsh blow to the kidneys.

Jack gives SLRFG the Darth Vader choke hold, picking up by his neck (although most of us were wishing he had picked him up by a part of his anatomy about 18 inches lower). Frau Blucher begs for Jack to spare SLRFG's life like a trailer-trash domestic abuse enabler on 'COPS.' ("Don't arrest him, Ah luv him.") So, Jack drops him on the floor. SLRFG tells them he has a new job at the White House. Given his acumen in lying, cheating, and back-stabbing, he's the perfect choice for Budget Director. "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."

President Weasel calls Frau Blucher to rub it in. "Hi, toots. I'm suspending the arrest order on Jack Bauer. And you can let him go, and he can go off and live in a tree somewhere." They can hear the smug in his voice. No recording, no case. He's gotten away with murder. He does however pledge to devote the rest of his life to finding David Palmer's "Real Killers."

Chiggy then returns, and he has found a more immediate problem. "Comrade HATO has escaped. And he said something about a nerve gas canister, and cleansing all who walk on the Path of Origin."

Cut to: HATO addressing his Russian terror-gang, one of whom expresses skepticism about his plans for a massive strike. "There's not much we can do with one can of nerve gas," says the minion.

"Speak for yourself," HATO says. "I can make a hat, or a broach, or a pterodactyl."

04:13:26 to 04:25:15:
Mary Todd is popping pills like Liza Minelli at a Tic-Tac convention. When a secret service guy checks on her, she tells him, "This was Red Foreman's phone. See that it gets back to him." "Sure, you betcha," says the secret service guy.

Weasel drops in on Red Foreman; who looks like he just got caught in the middle of a phone fight between Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell. Leaving a trail of slime behind him, he oozes smarmy equanimity. "It's over. I won. You let this slide, and I'll let you have any position you want."

Red tells him what he really thinks. "You're a traitor to this country, a disgrace to your office, and a dumbass. And even though I realize I'm signing my death warrant, I will do everything in my power to bring you to justice. Is there anything else, Rodent-boy?"

Weasel looks vaguely disappointed, and leaves the room to consult with another Secret Service guy. We'll call him 'Moose.' Moose thinks it would be mistake to let Red Foreman live. "Believe me when I tell you, he won't give up."

Weasel isn't sure about what to do. So far today, he's collaborated with terrorists, tried to kill his wife and the Russian president, let terrorists kill a few dozen people, framed an innocent man, almost shot down a plane full of people. It's going to be tough to polish up this chapter of his memoirs. "Let me call my Oil Cabal and check my orders."

Leonard Betts takes the president's call, "Can we assume you have the rest of your house in order?"

"Yes, my oil cabal masters." Leonard Betts than orders him to do a monkey dance, which he does.

As soon as he gets off the phone, he is approached by Dick Cheney: "Comrade HATO has escaped." Weasel is confused and furious. "I thought we took over CTU to prevent that kind of screw up." "I know, sir, but we have a season finale coming up, and the writers were out of ideas."

Chloe, for once, has come up with nothing on the ambush. None of the satellites or traffic cam managed to catch where the bandits headed after they freed HATO. She immediately regrets installing the software that only lets her access intelligence when there's no other way to advance the plot.

"There is one man who can help us," Frau Blucher suggests.

"El Kabong?" Jack asks.

"No, Biff Henderson."

"I'd rather eat my man-purse," Jack tells them. "Besides, that Salty Dog will never talk."

Frau Blucher decides to offer him an immunity deal. Jack is against it, but agrees to conduct the interrogation because it's their only shot. In the cell, Jack circles Biff Henderson. "You know Comrade HATO like the back of your hand. Where's he going to hit?"

Biff Henderson sniffs at the offer of immunity. "Jack, if you let me out of here, they'll kill me."

"Who's they?" Jack demands.

"The Secret Oil Cabal, duh! But if you help me disappear, I'll help you get HATO"

04:29:33 to 04:35:55

Jack comes out of the cell with a list. "Chloe, here's fourteen names. Put phone taps on them right away, and to Hell with what the ACLU says." Chloe checks them out. "Only one cell phone is active. Joe Mojito*."

"Isn't he one of those Brokeback Mafia dudes from 'The Sopranos?'" Jack asks.

"No, he's yet another evil arms dealer turned traitor. Kind of like Nicholas Cage in 'Lord of War,' but without the tragic irony," Chloe explains.

CTU puts together a tactical team to bring him in. Biff Henderson laughs at their tactical team. "You think Mojito's going to crack? Besides, he's got a laptop that makes this place look like a Speak and Spell. If you even look at his laptop the wrong way, the hard drive will instantly erase. It's like Jack's Treo times 9-11 time 37,451." Biff Henderson demands to go out and confront Mojito personally.

"We can't risk letting Bff Henderson go on this job," Jack says. "Just let me kill him."

Frau Blucher laughs at his reservations. "No, I'm going to take a dangerous traitor out in the field and just assume everything will be fine. What could go possibly wrong."

Jack looks at them incredulously. "I've got a gun. Let me just cap him now. We can do it together, it'll be fun."

Frau Blucher despairs. "You just don't get it, do you?"



"But we can't just ... "

"Ssh! I got a whole bag of 'Ssh!' with your name on it." Sensing defeat, Jack agrees to take Biff Henderson into the field.

Mary Todd watches as Moose, The Evil SS Agent, parks a long black car in the garage of the Presidential Retreat and opens the trunk. He soon brings out Red Foreman, who is looking like Courtney Love on a good day. Foreman knows that a ride in a trunk seldom means a happy ending, and he resists. Watching Moose rough up Aaron, Mary Todd feels compelled to intervene (where have I heard that before). The fight goes on and somehow Mary Todd ends up with a gun and greases the Moose while screaming "Adios Muthahfocker!" Then, she breaks down crying.

04:40:14 to 04:47:43

Bacardi and Cola on the road with a Biff Henderson chaser. We shall call him, Whiskey Sour. They pull up to the Mojito place. Biff refuses to allow Jack to attach a wire to his person, or send in backup on the grounds that it might prevent him from escaping. Biff Henderson buzzes in, and Mojito checks him out on his video monitor. "It's about Vladimir HATO. And you are going to want to hear what I have to say." Mojito scans him with something the people at TSA would love to get their hands on. Meanwhile, Jack climbs up to the roof.

Biff Henderson spills the cat out of the bag. "CTU is outside, so secure the files, crash the system, and completely destroy every traces of evidence." Mojito crashes the computers as Cola moves his team in. Meanwhile, Jack eases in through the roof.

A CTU dude smashes through the door. "Give me your weapon," Biff says. Biff is about to start to shoot up the CTU team, but Jack appears at the top of the stairs and ratchets up his kill count. Cola is hit, but he's okay.

"Jack, you my have been fooled by the fact that I was shooting at you, but I was actually on your side." Biff explains. "I was tricking Mojito into lowering his firewall." And he didn't tell Jack this in advance why? "Now, his files are encrypted, and you'll never crack the code in million bazillion years."

Jack connects Chloe to Mojito's computer. Five minutes later, she has decrypted the files.

04:52:24 to 04:59:59
Mary Todd tenderly caresses Red Foreman's wounds. "I'm sorry I'm so Bloody, Mary," he tells her. "I can't believe I was going to let him get away with it," she sighs. She remembers the precise moment she found out her husband was collaborating with terrorists. "I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him..." After nearly being killed, after learning about her husband collaborating with terrorists, it took seeing Red Foreman looking like one of Jackson Brown's girlfriends for Mary Todd to figure out that her husband is not a good person... making her only slightly less clueless than the average Ricki Lake guest.

Talk turns to escaping the compound. "I can't drive out of here." Red Foreman tells her. "I feel like I felt the morning after my drinking binge with Patrick Kennedy." "I can drive," Mary Todd tells him. "No, you can't. You're a woman. I'll hide here. You find that guy who looks like Dick Cheney and tell him everything you know."

Back at CTU, Chloe has decrypted the unundecryptable files from Mojito's computer. They find out there's a Black Russian submarine docked in the Port of Los Angeles, with missiles that can take out several city blocks. The LA Times predicts women and minorities will be hardest hit. Jack calls the US Navy guy on the sub and tells him to lockdown the boat's weapon systems. he Navy guy is about to checkout the top side of the sub when HATO shoots him and lobs a canister of Tex-Mex into the sub.

So, everyone is dead and the Russian guys take over the sub's weapon systems. HATO puts in the code and has full control of the sub's missile systems. Silvery missiles flash ominously. And we are promised exciting scenes from next week.


Anonymous said...

V - are you drunk? This post has booze references than Patrick Kennedy's Myspace page.

voiceboy said...

I'm seeing a vision of Cabal Leader melting when the missiles are re-aimed at their compound while Biff crashes an old Taurus.This is part of what Jack calls Robo-Justice.

Dionne said...

This was my favorite paragraph :-):

"Red tells him what he really thinks. "You're a traitor to this country, a disgrace to your office, and a dumbass. And even though I realize I'm signing my death warrant, I will do everything in my power to bring you to justice. Is there anything else, Rodent-boy?"