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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

JBAD - Dealing With Office Moles

Jack Bauer Appreciation Day - Guide to Office Politics (Part 2)

After locating a mole in your office, the next step is to take action. When dealing with an office mole, the best route would be to think like Jack Bauer. Someone doesn't wash their hands in the bathroom....Jack Bauer would pull out the old Chinese water torture. Problem solved.

Good: What Jack Bauer would do
Bad: What Miles would do

Mole will not confess to being a mole.
Good: Sit the "mole" down and tell them you plan on popping out their eyeballs with a knife.
Bad: Going to Human Resources and telling on the "mole".

Someone keeps stealing critical office equipment
Good: Place a tracking device on stapler. When located, force the "mole" to swallow a towel.
Bad: Order new supplies and hope they stop.

Office "mole" keeps stealing lunches from the office fridge
Good: Inject poison into ham sandwich and keep antidote handy to use as bargaining tool.
Bad: Keep your food at your desk.

When you press the elevator button...a "mole" comes along and presses it again.
Good: Kick to the groin.
Bad: Ignore it, they obviously do not trust the little light inside the button or your ability to fully press the button.

Got other WWJBD solutions to office problems? Post them in the comments below.


NDwalters said...

When the mole asks if you watched American Idol last night.

Good: Grab them by the throat and pin em to the wall and scream at them never to ask them THAT again. Advised em, you'll use a hacksaw next time.

Bad: Respond and allow them to blabber on about that crap.

NDwalters said...

"They took my S-swingline S-stapler, and I am very mad... They're going to pay for thiss. Put some s-strichnine in the guacamole. I'm going to torch this place...."

lawhawk said...

Person comes into cube and stands *this* close to your chair.

Good) You inform the person that if they don't move at least six feet away, you're going to put them six feet under

Bad) You cop a feel.

The printer experiences a paper jam:
Good) You take it out back and you get medieval on it

Bad) You try to fix the problem by using a metal envelope opener to get the jam out - only to electrocute yourself in the process.

TPS report comes in and it lacks a cover sheet:
Good) You get the French to make a forged TPS sheet
Bad) Joe Wilson is your boss - and he purposefully withheld the fact that the TPS report was BS and there was never any cover sheet in the first place.