Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

President George W. Bush talks a lot. Unfortunately for the American people, all he does is talk. What the Counter-Terrorist Unit needs is a man of action. I am that man. My name is John Kerry, and I am reporting for duty.

My qualifications are much more impressive than those of Mr. Bush. I am not aware if you know this, but I served in Vietnam. During my tour, I received more Purple Hearts before 8am than most soldiers received all day. Hillary Clinton agrees - I am the greatest hero in American history. And I am up to the challenge of defending this country against terrorism with a caring approach - unlike that Cro-Magnon Jack Bauer.

Unlike Jack Bauer and his lackey George Bush, torture and civil rights violations will not be an option in my arsenal. Instead, I will use the United Nations as a tool for negotiation. Terrorists are no different from you and I, and they respond well to frank discussion. There is no place in CTU for Gestapo tactics. In my CTU, terrorist attacks will cease.

If I were at CTU, Victor Drazen would have never made that attempt on then-Senator Palmer's life. In my CTU, Drazen and his family would have received a full pardon for his terrorist actions, and his family would be given safe passage to Syria - far away from the United States. And, unlike Jack Bauer's clan, my family would never been kidnapped. I mean, have you seen my family? Ugh.

If I were at CTU, rogue factions would not have smuggled and detonated a nuclear device inside our borders. In my CTU, these factions would meet with my head of personal understanding, Madeleine Albright, to discuss their worries and concerns. By opening a dialogue, we can solve their problems. And if that fails, we will detonate the device in a red state.

If I were at CTU, former President David Palmer would still be alive. It is only because of his Nazi-esque, right-wing policies that forces within our own country marked him for death. In my CTU, I will openly welcome every citizen with a differing opinion . . . . except the Republicans.

Frankly, my policies would have prevented every major disaster that Jack Bauer has dealt with in the last decade. When you look at the facts, it is clear that I (and not George W. Bush) am the best person for the job. I stand ready for your reply.

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush

Jack Bauer Meets Homer Simpson

Kiefer Sutherland to Lend Voice to Formerly Clever, Now Preachy and Tedious, 'Gawd-Is-That-Show-Still-Around' Animated Sitcom.

Sutherland plays a hard-nosed colonel in an episode that sees Homer Simpson accidentally joining the US army.

Oh, gee, that doesn't sound at all like recycling the plot where Homer joined the Navy. So, what banal, progressive point will the writers try to make with this episode? Will Jack's character torture Apu? Will his character be gay? Will he make snarky remarks about WMD's and oil? Or, will he be a noble evolutionist who imports prescription drugs from Canada while opposing corporate ownership of the media? Do I Care?

Oh, well, at least his 'Family Guy' voiceover remains a classic.

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush

Heh Heh. Over the past few seasons Jack Bauer has done a heckuva job. But starting next season, Agent Bauer doesn't have to worry about pesky moles anymore. That's because a true patriot is expected to join CTU. A man of impeccable credentials and unflaking faith, me! Jack Bauer and I have made the decision to defeat the terrorists in LA so we don't have to face them here at home.

John McCain thought he was cool because his little role last season - like he was up for an Oscar or something. I kept reminding him they gave a NASCAR driver speaking lines and a bigger role! Johnnie's time on screen could have been better spent than just a hand-off of a plain CTU folder. I thought his 6 years as a POW would get him to make the most out of his modest screen time, giving a Hawaiian Good Luck Sign or blinking "Kim Bauer is hot" in Morse Code.

As Agent "Eddie Burke", my statergry will involve taking out many terrorists with no compassion in a 24 hour period. I hope they give me shot at taking down a sitting president who lied to the American public in order to get us in a war in Central Asia over oil.

This is historic times and Bauer and Bush are historic people who are going to put an end to this terror shit. Just don't tell Laura.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Bauer, You're Out!by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

President Palmer Is Not Dead!
A Blogs4Bauer Conspiracy Theory

The crack staff at B4B has uncovered a conspiracy of epic proportions: President David Palmer is not dead!

Immediately after the alleged assassination, Palmer's body was flown to Cleveland, Ohio for medical treatment. The President was wearing a ballistic vest, but due to the rifle rounds used by the conspirators (including President Charles Logan), Palmer suffered a severe gunshot wound to the upper chest. Palmer was admitted into the ICU of the undisclosed hospital, and was given a new identity - that of Pedro Cerrano, a professional baseball player from Cuba.

Palmer adopted his new identity with vigor during his recuperation, and even learned the black arts of voodoo. His new idol, Jobu, by his side at all times, Pedro Cerrano made a complete recovery. With many of the members of the conspiracy still at large, Cerrano signed a one-year contract with the hapless Cleveland Indians under his assumed name. Ever the athlete, Palmer, er, Cerrano, won the starting position in left field, and was on his way to becoming a defensive all-star.

His hitting, however, was another story.

Convinced that the gods would not let him hit a curve ball, Cerrano hovered around the Mendoza line for much of the year. Even Jesus Christ Himself could not help him hit the breaking ball. At the all-star break, Cerrano has hit an incredible 20 home runs, while earning a despicable .215 batting average! Amazing.

If Cerrano can worry more about his hitting and less about the possible sniper rifle in the stands, the Indians may make the playoffs after all.

I Wonder What Kim Bauer Is Doing Right Now?

And the answer to that question is not, "RFTR."

Will Jack Kill Tom?

Will Jack Kill Tom?

Caption The Leatherneck


Just in case you thought everyone at B4B had been taking the summer off.

It's Just One Of Those Days

How did you spend your Independence Day? I spent it knocking out a North Korean Taepodong 2 missile over the Sea of Japan.

My name is Jack Bauer, and Tuesday was the longest day of my life.

It all began at 0500 in the cargo hold of a C-130 transport plane. After five hours without food, my survival training kicked in. I subsisted on silverfish and window condensation. After a midair refueling, I cut my way through the fuselage and dove 25,000 feet into the sea. Swimming to the shores of the Korean peninsula was trying, but it was an objective of my overall mission. It was almost a shame about the lifeguard on the beach, but what the hell; why leave a living witness? I buried myself into a dune and waited - with my Stinger missiles - for the approaching launch.

The sand chiggers were just as annoying as I remembered, but the crabs were not. That lifeguard didn't have any refreshments in his chair, so I have been drinking my own sweat. No pain, no gain. The launch was only moments away, so I fired up the Stingers. It's go time. Chloe recited the countdown and I sharpened my aim. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . the bird is in the air.

Chloe tracked the outbound target and updated the coordinates. The great thing about Stingers is that, like a Polaroid, they are just point and shoot. I could have done this while bedding Audrey Raines, but I didn't want to finish my mission on an upset stomach. The first Stinger was away less than thirty seconds into the missile's track. Five seconds later: scratch one Taepodong. I don't know what was more satisfying; that I took out a missile in one attempt, or the obvious look on Kim Jong's face. Heh.

Oh, and just for fun, one the way home, I assassinated Kenneth Lay in time for Corn Flakes. The official cause of death is listed as a heart attack. Damn, I'm good.

Counterpoint: Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!
- by Peter Gammons

What can I say about Jimmy's Seaside Co-Ed Softball team? Sure, they are located in Queens - which by my recollection is about 100 miles from any "seaside," but they were good enough to win the 2006 championship. 34-0 is nothing to sneeze at. But Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez is must have suffered an aneurysm if he thinks they could have done it without Jack "The Bat" Bauer.

His stats are exceptional: .865 batting average, 39 Homeruns, and 123 Runs driven in. His leadership skills are beyond reproach. He is truly the MVP. Sure, Jack has fractured an occasional rule now and then - the piano cord incident in game three comes to mind - but it is nothing that should warrant his dismissal. Hell, Barry Bonds gives MLB "the bird" on a daily basis - everyone knows he's juicing - and yet he still plays on.

Look Jimmy, Jack Bauer carried the jocks of you and your teammates through 34 games. The least he should expect is some common courtesy. In a perfect world, your teammates would torture a runner or two to eek out a win.

Point: Bauer, You're Out!
by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez

Point: Bauer, You're Out!

Point: Bauer, You're Out!
by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez

On behalf of the 2006 Jimmy's Seaside Coed Softball team, we would like to thank Jack Bauer for a solid year. We won the Orange County League Championship, however the methods used by certain members of our squad cannot be tolerated. The team voted and Jack Bauer will not be a part of the Jimmy's Seaside team for the 2007 season.

We really appreciate Jack Bauer coming out and playing third base for us. His .865 batting average, 39 Homeruns, and 123 Runs driven in were tops in the league. We finished the season with 34 wins and zero losses. Teams like The Hamslammers, Bob's Discount Tires, Beer-runs, and The Smokin' Gunz had no shot against us this year.

But winning is not everything. The league warned us 453 times about complaints other teams had about Jack Bauer's play at third. While I did not see it, one team claims Bauer warned a Jenny "Hot Stuff" Martinez on The Goners that if she scored "her children would grow up without a mommy". She refused to leave third base. Now I sided with Bauer in that case, but I was watching when Jack fielded a ground ball and then threw the ball at the head of a runner heading home, while the runner did not score and we won the game, the runner spent the rest of the season making spit bubbles in his hospital room.

Then there are the problems with Jack Bauer and his bat. There was more than one case of Jack Bauer holding on to his bat after he hit the ball. Now, I wasn't looking but I hear that one team had to find a new second baseman after Jack broke up a double play using a bat.

We can put up with the constant complaints from the other teams. However, Jack Bauer's treatment of some of our own teammates was the literal "straw that broke the camel's back". Just to set the record straight, Mason "Fat Boy" Jackson was never a mole. Bauer accused him of giving away signs to the other team and even tried to make Jackson swallow a softball unless he confessed.

Jackson, myself, the rest of the team, every team in the league, the league president, and the police all think it would be best if Jack Bauer were not allowed to play for Jimmy's Seaside or any team in the Orange County Coed Softball League ever again.

Counterpoint: Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!
- by Peter Gammons



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Top 10 Reasons Jack Bauer Hates Soccer

Top 10 Reasons Jack Bauer Hates Soccer
10. 0-0 ties.
9. Hooking up an opponent's nipples to a car battery might get him a red card.
8. All the damn foreigners.
7. Hacksaws are not allowed.
6. Edgar Stiles in soccer shorts.
5. FIFA looks down on torturing referees.
4. It's boring.
3. Team USA takes 43 shots to score a goal. Jack Bauer takes 4 shots to shoot down a helicopter.
2. Bauer's post-goal celebration of shoving a towel down the throat of the goalie and pissing on his forehead earned 156 yellow cards.
1. Audrey Raines likes soccer.

The Top Ten Things Jack Bauer Will Need In China

10. A Chinese-to-English Dictionary. It would be embarrassing to mispronounce "nipple electrocution" in Mandarin.
9. A Rickshaw. Ford doesn't export east of The Great Wall.
8. Gloves. Those Chinese finger-traps could be the death of him.
7. Olive Drab Clothing. Jack's gotta blend in with the proletariat.
6. A Condom. (Sorry, that's something he would need in Chyna.)
5. Directions to Chairman Mao's Tomb. So Jack can beyotch-slap his corpse.
4. Chopsticks. It's easier to kill a man with chopsticks than with a swizzle stick.
3. Colt .45. The beer, not the gun. Who wants to get drunk with rice wine?
2. An African-Chinese Partner. Bacardi and Cola is back!

And the number one thing Jack Bauer will need in China is . . .

1. A Picture of Audrey Raines. Incentive to never come home . . . ever!

Jack Bauer ♥'s NYC

Jack Bauer heart's NYC
New York City officials are in talks with producers at Fox, trying to have a couple of episodes of Season 6 filmed in New York City. With Jack on a ship to China and Tony being dead, there's only one plot line that 24 can bring to The Big Apple:
Kim Bauer goes to Central Park and is stalked by a cougar.

What other plots can arise from Gotham? Post your suggestions in the comments section.

(Source - NY Post)


Got a post about 24?
You still have time to submit it for The Carnival of Bauer!!!

The next carnival will be held at Blogs4Bauer on Monday (6/26).

Jack Bauer Killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

Centcom Representative: Al Qaeda's top terrorist in Iraq, Abu Musab al Zarqawi, was tortured and killed in an airstrike yesterday.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Excuse me, what do you mean "tortured" and killed? I thought this was an airstrike? Was Jack Bauer involved in any way?

Centcom Representative: (Sigh) Helen, you know full well that Jack Bauer is dead.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: I do not know that. I was never given exclusive rights to see his corpse. And look at me, I know a corpse when I see one.

Centcom Representative: Helen, Mr. Bauer's corpse is not a matter of public record. The airstrike was successful, and Iraq's top terrorist leader is taking a dirt nap.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Fine. Can you tell me the details involving this "airstrike?"

Centcom Representative: American fighters dropped two 500-pound bombs onto Zarqawi's "safe house," killing him and many of his staff instantly.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Excuse me! We have heard reports that Zarqawi did not die instantly! Explain.

Centcom Representative: I did not hear these reports. What I can tell you is that after the strike a "sweeper team" searched the rubble and tor, er, found the men dead.

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Did you start to say "torture?"

Centcom Representative: Um, no. I, uh . . .

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Spit it out.

Centcom Representative: All right! All right! Zarqawi was not immediately killed, so the "sweeper team" consisting of Jack Bauer (and only Jack Bauer) went in, hooked the targets nipples to a car battery and started the fireworks. Happy?

Helen "Muppet-face" Thomas: Absolutely. (Smirks.)

Centcom Representative: (Whispering) Bitch.

Next Question Please Caption Contest

Next Question Please Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Jack is Back!

Jack's Back
For you Jack-o-philes out there, you can watch the entire Season 5 - 2 hours at a time on Fridays starting June 16th. That includes breakfast as Frank Flynn, traitor, savior, and then Chinese punching bag. To complete the experience, you can also read our live and tivo blogging of the episodes in case you missed anything.

Also, Big Trouble in Little China returns in January of 2007! Tony's dead and will not return, Kim Bauer's still on hold.

If you would like to join B4B as a contributor, send Jack Bauer an email.

(Hat Tip - Grandma)

Frank Flynn Caption Contest

Frank Flynn Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Jack is Dead

Jack Is Dead
A reader sent us a link to more screen shots of the mysterious scribble on the back of a photo found in Edgar's possessions in the final episode of 24. It really does not take a CTU Agent to decipher the message, "Jack is Dead". I'm really surprised that Chloe did not pick up on it. Edgar was a mole.

Click Here for more on the codes.

Chinese Prepare for Bauer's Wrath

Chinese Prepare for Bauer's Arrival
With Jack Bauer heading for Mainland China, the billions of citizens in his path have prepared for what looks like an unfair fight. Something must be done to even the playing field with Bauer.

Enter the 3-armed baby born on Tuesday at Shanghai Children's Medical Center. "Jie-jie", which translated means "Little 3-Armed Chinese Jack Bauer-Killer", is expected to start training for his upcoming mission (killing Jack Bauer) in a matter of weeks.

"We hope 3-arm better than Jack's two" said General Wang Chung, the head of China's military wing in charge of combating Jack Bauer. "Why 3-arms? Because four would look weird." said Chung.

Asian people and their cities have not been in this much danger since the days Godzilla. The Chinese are not going to wait until Jack Bauer starts torching Beijing to act. With Jie and his 3 appendages, they can even the odds that are already starting to stack against them. But, is it too little too late? Will Jack Bauer pull another arm out of his manpurse? What does Goro from Mortal Kombat think about this?

Season 6: January 2007

Editor's note: Children born with deformities are not funny. For more information on how you can help the hospital where the child was born, check out Project Hope's website.

24: Liveblogging

24 Liveblogging: 7am-8am

7am: So Jack Bauer's replacement is Brian O'Conner?

7:15: No Bacardi and we have New Coke (Tyrese Gibson).

7:30: With the lack of terrorists in LA, 24 goes to Miami to battle illegal street racing? What the hell, is Tyler liveblogging this again?

Seriously, Fox has reached new lows for programming (if that's possible). One week after Jack Bauer takes down a sitting (technically he was standing) president and ended up being kidnapped by ninjas - Fox turns around and broadcasts 2Fast 2Furious in the 9pm slot! They could not find reruns from Who Wants to Marry a Midget to broadcast instead?

How many Monday's until January?