Mullet Time

Jack Bauer Law #113

From a 24 commercial played during Prison Break
Man: You're hurting me!
Jack Bauer: Trust me....I'm not

Jack Bauer Law #113: You're not in pain until Jack Bauer tells you are in pain.

Stupid 24 Questions

Do you think the writers were laughing when they had Jack literally taking a slow boat to China?

Will President Logan be sent to federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison?

Has Jack Bauer ever laughed?

Who misses Kim Bauer?

Well, it's official. Jack Bauer has conceded to both Hillary Clinton in new York and Joe Lieberman in Connecticut. Bauer for Senate 2006 is folding up camp, and making a run for the border. With Nancy Pelosi in charge, there shouldn't be any problem crossing it. Hopefully, this won't be Jack's last foray into politics. If the following excerpts are any indication, Jack really has a knack for the bloodthirsty political game.

Top Ten Things Overheard at Bauer 2006 Campaign Headquarters

10. "Chloe is drowning her sorrows in extra virgin olive oil!"
9. "I can't believe Curtis voted for Ned Lamont."

8. "Who ordered the tuna on toast with extra ricin?"

7. "Our poles are rising. Heh, heh."
6. "Get me the address of Hillary Clinton's parents, right now!"
5. "Mr. Bauer, the concierge wants to know what happened to the piano wire."
4. "If people keep voting for Clinton, I'm gonna take their final exit poll."
3. "Kennedy got re-elected? Those idiots would elect Nina Myers."
2. "Fox News just called the race for Clinton. Would you like your rifle now, Jack?"

And the number one thing overheard at Bauer 2006 Campaign Headquarters is . . .

1. "Only two people voted for me? I kill more than that before 7am!"

Bauer Concedes Senate Race, Heads to Mexico

Bauer Concedes Senate Race, Heads to Mexico
With 99% of precincts reporting, we are sad to report that Jack Bauer will not represent New York in the US Senate. Unless the 1% of precincts includes about 2,787,165 people loyal to Jack Bauer, the fight is over for now.

Jack Bauer mailed Clinton his gun and CTU badge as a sign of concession and headed to Mexico with only his manpurse and aviators.

Bauer campaign manager, Tony Almedia called for a recount, but Chloe told him to "stop being so stupid" and told Jack that the fight was indeed over. Bauer's campaign was hurt by moles inside the campaign, terrorists, and his daughter.

There are rumors that Jack Bauer will run for president in 2008, but we all know that he doesn't have time to for rumors.

This is a video reminder to write-in "Jack Bauer" for Senate in NY and CT.


Here is how to cast your vote for Bauer in NY (using one of the old lever-style machine)
1) Enter the voting booth
2) There should be a pen or pencil attached to the booth
3) Check your flank 2 position
4) Slide back the lever on top of voting cell #4
5) Write in "Jack Bauer"
6) Pull the lever when you are done voting.

Vote Bauer - NY/CT Senate

This is a followup to our original call to run Jack Bauer for Senate of both NY and CT.


Jack Bauer wants to remind NY and CT voters to head to the polls and write in "Jack Bauer" for Senate. Tired of political ads? Vote Jack Bauer, he doesn't go negative - he gets even.

Today's NY Daily News details the process of writing Jack Bauer on to victory:

The process is simple, if not always clear, in New York City: On the far left side of every ballot, a write-in "window" can be found next to each office.

Just push the silver button at the top of the write-in column, slide open a door that covers the window in which you want to write and pencil in whatever name strikes your fancy.

In all seriousness, I plan on writing in "Jack Bauer" as a protest to the GOP for providing New Yorkers no real choice for Senate other than Hillary.

So let's try and get Jack Bauer enough votes to garner a news report or two.

Who's with me?

A 24 Wish List

Since the upcoming season of 24 will almost certainly involve China (as well as uber-villain Eddie Izzard), I had an idea for the casting director.

BSG's Grace Park would be perfect as Jack's love interest.

Just a thought.

Liveblogging - 24 Trailer Talk

Liveblogging - 24 Trailer Talk
Fox will air a sneak peek at Season 6 today at 3:00pm EST with a web clip. They're also showing it over the jumbo-tron in Times Square, which makes no sense.

Check back here at 3pm as Blogs4Bauer will live-blog the preview and follow-up with a kill counter and analysis.

24 - Season 6 Sneak Peek - 3:00pm EST

Here's a little something to tide you over till then.


Watch the webclip here!
(just hit the play button twice after the Toyota commercial)

(Hat tip - jwookie for the clip)
3:00:04 - Jack Bauer PSA - "Our fans rock". Where's the B4B mention?
3:00:18 - President Wayne Palmer!!!.....Hell Yeh. Adams, Roosevelt, Bush, and Palmer
3:00:23 - Muslim suicide bombers in the first 20 seconds of the trailer. Someone call CAIR.
A Threat Will Rise
Fear Will Grow
3:00:23 - Explosion #1
3:00:23 - Explosion #2
3:00:34 - Buchanan just said 114 people died in St. Louis. Damn and they never got to see the Cardinals win the World Series. Ohh and the kill counter for the trailer just exploded like a terrorist heading to meet his 72 virgins.
3:00:35 - Explosion #3
Our Only Hope (let me guess - Jack Bauer?)
"Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing. Today I can die for something" - Jack Bauer
3:00:46 - HOLY Jeebus.... Jack Bauer has a mullet.
3:00:48 - Jack Bauer looks like Dr. Richard Kimble
3:00:51 - Everyone now: Bacardi...and Cola
3:00:56 - For all you ladies, Jack Bauer without a shirt
3:01:06 - Explosion #4
3:01:09 - Explosion #5
3:01:10 - Did Token just say "thousands of civilians are dead"? Season 6 Kill Counter just surrendered.
For America to Survive
3:01:12 - Jack Bauer on the subway.
3:01:14 - For all you nerds, Chloe is back.
3:01:15 - "Jack Bauer has to be sacrificed" How many times have they played out that storyline?
Jack Bauer
3:01:20 - Jack Bauer sans mullet.
Must
Die
3:01:26 - Explosion #6
3:01:35 - Jack Bauer yelling.
3:01:45 - Explosion #7
3:01:45 - This season, we stop counting bodies. Instead we count explosions. I count 7 already.

Summary: America is under attack from terrorists. Jack Bauer is our only hope. Along the way, things blow up and people die. Jack Bauer is betrayed and faces death. Jack Bauer also yells a bunch.

What did you think?

Counterpoint: Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.
By Adrenaline

Well, well, well, look who came crawling back: Heroin. You miss Jack Bauer? I can't say that I am surprised, but I can say that you're wasting your breath. Jack is with me now, and we have a bond stronger than any needle or tourniquet. With me, Jack gets high on life . . . and fresh corpses. I am there for him, and I support him. When Jack is feeling down, I don't offer him a syringe; I suggest we go snap the neck of a terrorist. When Jack is bored, I offer him a mole's nipples and a live wire. And you? Just take a look at your history with Jack:

You never treated Jack right. How many times did you call him the day after your get-togethers? Did you even call to say you got home safely? He was worried sick!

You embarrassed him when you showed up drunk at the CTU ball. Cripes, you made a grand entrance in your backless gown, and then tripped over Bill Buchanan during your inebriated twirl!

You cheated on him numerous times with floozies like Kate Moss and Samwise Gamgee's sister. How many times did you call Jack "Marion Barry?" Ten? Fifteen?

Jack is over you, and now you need to get on with your life. I trust you received your LP records and your love letters. Now, please leave my Jack alone.

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me
by Heroin

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me
by Heroin

Hey Jack Bauer, remember me? I'm sure you do, we spent a lot of time together. I know you don't have much time so I'll get to the point. Jack, I know you want to come back to me, come on and chase the dragon just once more.

Jack, we had some fun in Mexico - yes we did, denial is the first sign of a real problem that can only be cured by some sweet chiva. Remember that time you were on a 2 day bender and ran nude through that village outside Culiacán? How about when you spent an hour interrogating a goat on the whereabouts of The Three Amigos? He almost broke, maybe next time buddy. How about now?

You're under a great deal of stress, that's why you should let a little black tar take the edge off. It couldn't hurt your current situation - in the hull of a ship headed to China.

What are you waiting for, we don't have much time? The dragon won't chase itself.

Counterpoint: Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.
By Adrenaline


Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Season 6 Trailer

You are on notice. Mondays starting in January are now booked.

Season 6 Premier
Sunday January 14th (8-10pm EST)
Monday January 15th (8-10pm EST)
Hours 5-24 will air Monday's at 9pm EST uninterrupted until May!

Also, in 13 days Fox releases the first look at Season 6.

A web-only trailer will be aired on:
http://www.24trailer.com/

Blogs4Bauer will live-blog the trailer and post our review/kill counter shortly after.

Top Ten Jack Bauer Pet Peeves

10. Smoking.
9. Lack of posting on Blogs4Bauer.
8. Rude people.
7. Eyeballs that don't pop out in one piece.
6. Long lines at the airport.
5. Long lines at the CTU armory.
4. Fat chicks.
3. When Curtis plays his 50 Cent CD too loud.
2. People who put ketchup on a hot dog.

And the number one Jack Bauer pet peeve is . . .

1. When Steinway won't sell you loose piano wire.

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Talk Like Jack Bauer Day

September 19 - International Talk Like a Pirate Day
December 14 - Talk Like George Bush Day

It's time that we honor Jack Bauer by spending a day making co-workers and loved ones nervous by talking like him.

To get the ball started, we need a date to set aside for "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day". Please vote or suggest a day in the comments section.

What Date Should Become "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day"? December 21 - Jack Bauer's Birthday November 1 - Day of the Dead (Mexico) November 7 - Election Day February 26 March 12 April 23 January 14 - Season 6 Premier November 6 - Season 1 Premier December 7 - Pearl Harbor Day Other

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian

Jack Bauer running for Senator of New York and Connecticut is a bad idea. So says that sugary pixie Katie Couric. Couric is so sweet that I go into diabetic shock every time she broadcasts. We get it Katie; you're perky! That may have been swell when you were a high school cheerleader. But now? NO ONE CARES!

We were all really impressed when you were handed the CBS News spot on a silver platter. Did a law degree come as a side dish? Don't you worry whether or not Jack Bauer's campaign is legal. As Emporer Palpatine said, "I will make it legal."

On top of this you have the temerity to say that a "true" New Yorker should be elected to the Senate. I guess Hillary is sporting genuine Manhattan cankles? Cripes, she is more of a carpetbagger than The Man from GOP and the City! Jack is well versed in over a dozen languages: I doubt "Bronx" would be too difficult for him.

And finally, you throw out the same tired argument; that Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath. If anything, Mr. Bauer is proud of his violent record. Hell, who do you think would really represent the people of New York: a violent psychopath, or a bloated former attorney from Arkansas? I think the answer is clear.

Oh, and Katie, just so you know, you're husband isn't dead. He couldn't stand your constant blathering, so Jack smuggled him out of the country and faked his death. Chew on that.

"Courage."

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Hi, and thank you for tuning in to the Couric Power Hour. My name is Katie Couric, Dan Rather no longer works here.

Jack Bauer is running for Senator of both New York and Connecticut and I think it's a very bad idea. Bad for New York, even worse for Connetiucut, and even more worse for the Senate. New York and Connecticut need their own senators; Jack Bauer should stick with what he does best - whatever that is.

First of all, is this stunt even legal? I've never heard of anyone being a Senator from two different states. Even if being a senator from two different states is ok, being a Senator from two different states at the same time is probably against the rules.

Second, I would like to know if Jack Bauer could represent the people of New York and Connecticut. He happens to be from California and has spent the past 5 seasons between Mexico, California, and a brief time in a whore house in Nevada. I know that New York needs a senator that is a true New Yorker and is not running for Senate just to make a run at a higher office.

Third, Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath with no known people skills; he has no place in a law-abiding institution like our Congress. We know what Jack Bauer is capable of with a towel, hacksaw, and a box of Peanut M&Ms. Where does this translate to an ability to create meaningful legislation? Jack Bauer cannot get a bill to become law by simply torturing it.

With these arguments in hand, I hope that the people of New York and Connecticut avoid the media hype surrounding their candidate for Senate and vote for whom they think will do a good job representing the common person from their state. That would be Ned Lamont and Hillary Clinton, not Jack Bauer.

Good Night and Good Luck, Courage.

-Katie Couric

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Top Ten Questions Asked Of CTU Applicants

10. Have you ever been convicted of a felony in the United States?
9. Would you accept a position with CTU Security? We have several openings.
8. Are you offended by gratuitous torture?
7. Do you have a list of references?
6. Do you think it is morally wrong to impale a terrorist?
5. Do you have morals?
4. How many assault weapons do you currently own?
3. Are you now or have you ever been a mole?
2. Is love the answer? (Trick hippie question.)

And the number one question asked of CTU applicants is . . .

1. How long does it take you to dismember a body, and can we time you here?

A message from Jack Bauer

A Message from Candidate for Senator of NY and CT, Jack Bauer

As a proud father of a special little girl, I'm outraged at CBS for their use of my daughter, Kim Bauer, to promote their new news anchor, Katie Couric. As you can see below, the editors at their internal magazine (Watch!) "photoshopped" my daughter's face over Couric's to.

This is an insult to my family that cannot go unpunished.

I'm not going to demand that CBS apologize, that's not the way Jack Bauer works. Apologizing would be just too easy to do.

A note to interns at CBS: Do not operate the water cooler on the 14th floor if you want to be able to look at your mother and not give her nightmares. Also, don't flush the toilet in the second stall in the men's room on the 18th floor. You may want to not print to the color printer on the 23rd floor. Try to not use the revolving doors in the front lobby. Oh, and don't touch the bagels in the main conference room. Finally, be on the lookout for an exploding stapler, I forgot where I left it - it's a black Swingline.

CBS, you are running out of time and I just found a hacksaw.

-Jack

Bauer 2006 Bumper Sticker Contest - Cont.

Bauer 2006 Bumper Sticker Contest - Continued

Jack Bauer has the look, the desire, and the guns needed to run for Senate. What he doesn't have is a bumper sticker. That's where you come in.

Your Mission: Design a bumper sticker for Bauer2006
1) Develop a bumper sticker for Jack Bauer's 2006 run for the Senate in NY and CT.
2) Either create a post and send us a link or email your design to us.
3) All entries should be submitted by Friday (9/8).

On Friday (9/14), we will host a poll to choose a winner. The winning bumper sticker design will be placed on CafePress for sale. Any proceeds will be donated to AnySoldier, Inc.

Bumper Sticker Contest Entries

- Esbiem

- Esbiem

- Doug Morris

-Catscape

-Catscape