People I Hate (24 Edition)

Edgar Stiles

CTU's calorically-challenged chimpanzee would have been fired from a real government position years ago. Of course, if he worked in Philadelphia, he would be mayor by now. At one moment, Edgar is tracking Islamo-fascist terrorists. The next moment, he is whimpering like a Dr. Phil guest about his multitude of personal, psychological, and pasta problems. Like Terrell Owens, Edgar is pretty talented when he is focused on his game. Unfortunately, like Terrell Owens, Edgar is a major head case. He is a true enigma: a mystery, wrapped inside a riddle, wrapped inside a Twinkie.

Audrey Raines

Jack Bauer's love interest from last season has got a terrific body, but as my friend Brian would say, "She's beat in the face." Combine that with her piss-poor disposition, and her catty attitude toward Diana (Jack's gal pal this season), and you have the makings of a first-rate bitch. Don't cry for Jack, Audrey-tina; you had your chance.

CTU Security

These flunkies are a prime example of how far one can get with a GED. On their watch the wife of a murdered agent shot and killed terrorist Stephen Saunders; Nina Meyers held Kim Bauer hostage inside a computer room; and an inept hit man murdered a clinic doctor and tried to kill Jack. These buffoons are about as aware of their surroundings as the stunned sheriff who led Oswald to Jack Ruby. And who designed the uniforms? Red shirts, do these people double as bartenders?

(Cross-posted on Support Your Local Gunfighter.)