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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Tao Of Jack Bauer

I think some of these were posted by my counterparts before, but they're still brilliant:

1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

2. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

3. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

4. Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

5. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

8. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

9. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

11. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

12. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

13. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in MiddleEastern men.

15. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

16. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alerted. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

17. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.

18. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

19. Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

20. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

22. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

23. The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

24. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

25. No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel...

26. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

27. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

28. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

29. The real reason the Army ditched the "Army of One"campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

30. Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.

31. Jack Bauer doesn't urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.

32. That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack Bauer's pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.

33. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.

34. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

35. Chase wasn't actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that's how he warns all of Kim's boyfriends.

36. Jack Bauer creates an "airtight perimeter" by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.

37. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That's why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.

38. The reason CTU's superiors are called "Division" is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn't bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.

39. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

40. CTU stands for Jack F*cking Bauer.

41. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.

42. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

43. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

44. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.

45. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

(H/T, my brother Chris)

(Oh, by the way, feel free to vote for SYLG for Best Personal Blog at the Best So Far Blog Awards. Thanks!)


al said...

These are great. I think you need a warning to not have food or drink in your mouth in order to protect your monitor...

Anonymous said...

These come from this website.

My favorite: Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

I submitted these:
*Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
*If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Relations Department at CTU, there would be no moles.
*Jack Bauer turns left on red.
*Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.

al said...

OT - The Carnival of the Clueless has a special WWJBD edition up.

Anonymous said...

These come from my other site:

*When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

*Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.

*Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof.

*After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."

*Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.

*Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.

*Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.

*Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.

Lyn said...

Your were even nominated in a category that didn't exist! So be sure to vote starting Feb 1 at Bloggin' Outould. Thanks for the mention and link! lgp

Dionne said...

These are great. A friend sent them to me recently.

Anonymous said...

me and a bud came up with these:

1. Jack Bauer never runs out of bullets. If his gun stops firing, he simply makes more bullets from shards of denim in his jeans. [adam dolce]

2. Jack Bauer only has sex with radical islamist women. That way he knows there will always be more terrorists to kill...[adam dolce]

3. The cougar would have easily eaten any other man, woman or child, but since it was Kim Bauer, the cougar feared for it's and it's family's life given Jack's penchant for revenge. [adam dolce]

4. Jack Bauer doesn't get paid by the hour. He gets paid by the terrorist. [shawn begier]

5. Jack Bauer wasn't addicted to heroin, it was a feeble attempt at a drug designed to quench his thirst for killing terrorists. History will show that season 3 was simply Jack Bauer "catching up" for time spent "with" terrorists instead of "over" terrorists' bodies. [shawn begier]

6. The show "24" claims to take place in "real" time but this is only so that the viewer can watch. the human eye is incapable of tracking how fast Jack Bauer actually kills terrorists [shawn begier]

7. Jack's father was the greek god "Zeus" and his mother was a commoner. Unfortunately Jack's name was lost in translation, so historians agreed on "Hercules" as a suitable alternate. [adam dolce]

8. Of course when Jack Bauer realized this mistake, he hunted down each historian and pistol-whipped his name into their skull. This was the basis for the movie "Predator". [adam dolce]

9. One day a terrorist in Iraq decided to call Jack Bauer in Los Angeles and give him some rant about his refrigerator running. Jack Bauer promptly used "passive triangulation" and shot him twice in the chest, and then interrogated his refrigerator about connections with known terrorists. [shawn begier]

10. Scholars maintain that the original meaning for "jihad" is "Fuck...Jack Bauer is coming". [adam dolce]

11. As most of you well know, Chuck Norris did a deal with the devil (a well-known terrorist) for his martial arts ability. The only reason Chuck Norris grew a beard was to try to disguise his appearance from Jack Bauer. To this day, Chuck Norris thinks he fooled him but little does he know, Jack Bauer is just working undercover and it's only a matter of time before he busts the devil and everyone in his organization. [shawn begier]

12. A little known fact or perhaps Star Wars enthusiasts just choose to cling to their own beliefs, but Jango Fett was the second choice for the clone army. Jack Bauer was actually number one on their list but they feared an army of Jack Bauers would be an unstoppable force, especially against Sith terrorists. [shawn begier]

13. One time somebody tried telling me Jack Bauer was breast-fed by both of his mother's titties....simultaneously. i said nice try, Jack Bauer didn't have a mother, and he never nursed. he lived off of rabbits and chickens until he was six and killed his first terrorist. [adam dolce (breast-fed line) and shawn begier (the rest)]

14. Jack Bauer wears a WWJD bracelet (What would Jesus Do?). Jesus wears a WWJD bracelet (What would Jack Do?). [shawn begier using adam dolce's idea]

15. Jack Bauer IS an I-land, entire in himself. [adam dolce]

16. When Jack Bauer ordered his Ford Expedition, he needed it to come with GPS, fingerprint identification, rifles, pistols, grenades, C4, and countless other devices and was named the Jack Bauer edition. and as a joke to his gay brother that we don't talk about, he had them build Eddie Bauer editions with pretty leather and other feminine features. [shawn's weakest one]

NDwalters said...

Here's a Jack Bauer Fact. In a contest between James Bond and Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer kicked every Bond Villain's Ass and had time to bitch slap 007. Jack did not need a martini, shaken, not stirred, to kick terrorist ass. He just took a swig of Jack Daniels and a pistol and one clip of Ammo. Nor did he need some old British guy to make his gadgets. Bauer topped that and McGuyver hands down! Jack Bauer Rocks!

Another 24 fan, reporting for duty. If you wanna blogroll me, go for it!

Anonymous said...

Simon Cowell says that Jack Bauer is going to Hollywood.

Anonymous said...

If Jack Bauer was on the "Lost Plane" he would be the only survivor.

Anonymous said...

If Jack Bauer was chained to a railroad track and a speeding train was seconds away, the engineer would stop and ask for directions.

Anonymous said...

jack bauer only breaths because he chooses to!

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