A 24 Wish List

Since the upcoming season of 24 will almost certainly involve China (as well as uber-villain Eddie Izzard), I had an idea for the casting director.

BSG's Grace Park would be perfect as Jack's love interest.

Just a thought.

Liveblogging - 24 Trailer Talk

Liveblogging - 24 Trailer Talk
Fox will air a sneak peek at Season 6 today at 3:00pm EST with a web clip. They're also showing it over the jumbo-tron in Times Square, which makes no sense.

Check back here at 3pm as Blogs4Bauer will live-blog the preview and follow-up with a kill counter and analysis.

24 - Season 6 Sneak Peek - 3:00pm EST

Here's a little something to tide you over till then.


Watch the webclip here!
(just hit the play button twice after the Toyota commercial)

(Hat tip - jwookie for the clip)
3:00:04 - Jack Bauer PSA - "Our fans rock". Where's the B4B mention?
3:00:18 - President Wayne Palmer!!!.....Hell Yeh. Adams, Roosevelt, Bush, and Palmer
3:00:23 - Muslim suicide bombers in the first 20 seconds of the trailer. Someone call CAIR.
A Threat Will Rise
Fear Will Grow
3:00:23 - Explosion #1
3:00:23 - Explosion #2
3:00:34 - Buchanan just said 114 people died in St. Louis. Damn and they never got to see the Cardinals win the World Series. Ohh and the kill counter for the trailer just exploded like a terrorist heading to meet his 72 virgins.
3:00:35 - Explosion #3
Our Only Hope (let me guess - Jack Bauer?)
"Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing. Today I can die for something" - Jack Bauer
3:00:46 - HOLY Jeebus.... Jack Bauer has a mullet.
3:00:48 - Jack Bauer looks like Dr. Richard Kimble
3:00:51 - Everyone now: Bacardi...and Cola
3:00:56 - For all you ladies, Jack Bauer without a shirt
3:01:06 - Explosion #4
3:01:09 - Explosion #5
3:01:10 - Did Token just say "thousands of civilians are dead"? Season 6 Kill Counter just surrendered.
For America to Survive
3:01:12 - Jack Bauer on the subway.
3:01:14 - For all you nerds, Chloe is back.
3:01:15 - "Jack Bauer has to be sacrificed" How many times have they played out that storyline?
Jack Bauer
3:01:20 - Jack Bauer sans mullet.
Must
Die
3:01:26 - Explosion #6
3:01:35 - Jack Bauer yelling.
3:01:45 - Explosion #7
3:01:45 - This season, we stop counting bodies. Instead we count explosions. I count 7 already.

Summary: America is under attack from terrorists. Jack Bauer is our only hope. Along the way, things blow up and people die. Jack Bauer is betrayed and faces death. Jack Bauer also yells a bunch.

What did you think?

Counterpoint: Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.
By Adrenaline

Well, well, well, look who came crawling back: Heroin. You miss Jack Bauer? I can't say that I am surprised, but I can say that you're wasting your breath. Jack is with me now, and we have a bond stronger than any needle or tourniquet. With me, Jack gets high on life . . . and fresh corpses. I am there for him, and I support him. When Jack is feeling down, I don't offer him a syringe; I suggest we go snap the neck of a terrorist. When Jack is bored, I offer him a mole's nipples and a live wire. And you? Just take a look at your history with Jack:

You never treated Jack right. How many times did you call him the day after your get-togethers? Did you even call to say you got home safely? He was worried sick!

You embarrassed him when you showed up drunk at the CTU ball. Cripes, you made a grand entrance in your backless gown, and then tripped over Bill Buchanan during your inebriated twirl!

You cheated on him numerous times with floozies like Kate Moss and Samwise Gamgee's sister. How many times did you call Jack "Marion Barry?" Ten? Fifteen?

Jack is over you, and now you need to get on with your life. I trust you received your LP records and your love letters. Now, please leave my Jack alone.

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me
by Heroin

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me
by Heroin

Hey Jack Bauer, remember me? I'm sure you do, we spent a lot of time together. I know you don't have much time so I'll get to the point. Jack, I know you want to come back to me, come on and chase the dragon just once more.

Jack, we had some fun in Mexico - yes we did, denial is the first sign of a real problem that can only be cured by some sweet chiva. Remember that time you were on a 2 day bender and ran nude through that village outside Culiacán? How about when you spent an hour interrogating a goat on the whereabouts of The Three Amigos? He almost broke, maybe next time buddy. How about now?

You're under a great deal of stress, that's why you should let a little black tar take the edge off. It couldn't hurt your current situation - in the hull of a ship headed to China.

What are you waiting for, we don't have much time? The dragon won't chase itself.

Counterpoint: Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.
By Adrenaline


Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Season 6 Trailer

You are on notice. Mondays starting in January are now booked.

Season 6 Premier
Sunday January 14th (8-10pm EST)
Monday January 15th (8-10pm EST)
Hours 5-24 will air Monday's at 9pm EST uninterrupted until May!

Also, in 13 days Fox releases the first look at Season 6.

A web-only trailer will be aired on:
http://www.24trailer.com/

Blogs4Bauer will live-blog the trailer and post our review/kill counter shortly after.

Top Ten Jack Bauer Pet Peeves

10. Smoking.
9. Lack of posting on Blogs4Bauer.
8. Rude people.
7. Eyeballs that don't pop out in one piece.
6. Long lines at the airport.
5. Long lines at the CTU armory.
4. Fat chicks.
3. When Curtis plays his 50 Cent CD too loud.
2. People who put ketchup on a hot dog.

And the number one Jack Bauer pet peeve is . . .

1. When Steinway won't sell you loose piano wire.

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Talk Like Jack Bauer Day

September 19 - International Talk Like a Pirate Day
December 14 - Talk Like George Bush Day

It's time that we honor Jack Bauer by spending a day making co-workers and loved ones nervous by talking like him.

To get the ball started, we need a date to set aside for "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day". Please vote or suggest a day in the comments section.

What Date Should Become "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day"? December 21 - Jack Bauer's Birthday November 1 - Day of the Dead (Mexico) November 7 - Election Day February 26 March 12 April 23 January 14 - Season 6 Premier November 6 - Season 1 Premier December 7 - Pearl Harbor Day Other

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian

Jack Bauer running for Senator of New York and Connecticut is a bad idea. So says that sugary pixie Katie Couric. Couric is so sweet that I go into diabetic shock every time she broadcasts. We get it Katie; you're perky! That may have been swell when you were a high school cheerleader. But now? NO ONE CARES!

We were all really impressed when you were handed the CBS News spot on a silver platter. Did a law degree come as a side dish? Don't you worry whether or not Jack Bauer's campaign is legal. As Emporer Palpatine said, "I will make it legal."

On top of this you have the temerity to say that a "true" New Yorker should be elected to the Senate. I guess Hillary is sporting genuine Manhattan cankles? Cripes, she is more of a carpetbagger than The Man from GOP and the City! Jack is well versed in over a dozen languages: I doubt "Bronx" would be too difficult for him.

And finally, you throw out the same tired argument; that Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath. If anything, Mr. Bauer is proud of his violent record. Hell, who do you think would really represent the people of New York: a violent psychopath, or a bloated former attorney from Arkansas? I think the answer is clear.

Oh, and Katie, just so you know, you're husband isn't dead. He couldn't stand your constant blathering, so Jack smuggled him out of the country and faked his death. Chew on that.

"Courage."

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Hi, and thank you for tuning in to the Couric Power Hour. My name is Katie Couric, Dan Rather no longer works here.

Jack Bauer is running for Senator of both New York and Connecticut and I think it's a very bad idea. Bad for New York, even worse for Connetiucut, and even more worse for the Senate. New York and Connecticut need their own senators; Jack Bauer should stick with what he does best - whatever that is.

First of all, is this stunt even legal? I've never heard of anyone being a Senator from two different states. Even if being a senator from two different states is ok, being a Senator from two different states at the same time is probably against the rules.

Second, I would like to know if Jack Bauer could represent the people of New York and Connecticut. He happens to be from California and has spent the past 5 seasons between Mexico, California, and a brief time in a whore house in Nevada. I know that New York needs a senator that is a true New Yorker and is not running for Senate just to make a run at a higher office.

Third, Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath with no known people skills; he has no place in a law-abiding institution like our Congress. We know what Jack Bauer is capable of with a towel, hacksaw, and a box of Peanut M&Ms. Where does this translate to an ability to create meaningful legislation? Jack Bauer cannot get a bill to become law by simply torturing it.

With these arguments in hand, I hope that the people of New York and Connecticut avoid the media hype surrounding their candidate for Senate and vote for whom they think will do a good job representing the common person from their state. That would be Ned Lamont and Hillary Clinton, not Jack Bauer.

Good Night and Good Luck, Courage.

-Katie Couric

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Top Ten Questions Asked Of CTU Applicants

10. Have you ever been convicted of a felony in the United States?
9. Would you accept a position with CTU Security? We have several openings.
8. Are you offended by gratuitous torture?
7. Do you have a list of references?
6. Do you think it is morally wrong to impale a terrorist?
5. Do you have morals?
4. How many assault weapons do you currently own?
3. Are you now or have you ever been a mole?
2. Is love the answer? (Trick hippie question.)

And the number one question asked of CTU applicants is . . .

1. How long does it take you to dismember a body, and can we time you here?

A message from Jack Bauer

A Message from Candidate for Senator of NY and CT, Jack Bauer

As a proud father of a special little girl, I'm outraged at CBS for their use of my daughter, Kim Bauer, to promote their new news anchor, Katie Couric. As you can see below, the editors at their internal magazine (Watch!) "photoshopped" my daughter's face over Couric's to.

This is an insult to my family that cannot go unpunished.

I'm not going to demand that CBS apologize, that's not the way Jack Bauer works. Apologizing would be just too easy to do.

A note to interns at CBS: Do not operate the water cooler on the 14th floor if you want to be able to look at your mother and not give her nightmares. Also, don't flush the toilet in the second stall in the men's room on the 18th floor. You may want to not print to the color printer on the 23rd floor. Try to not use the revolving doors in the front lobby. Oh, and don't touch the bagels in the main conference room. Finally, be on the lookout for an exploding stapler, I forgot where I left it - it's a black Swingline.

CBS, you are running out of time and I just found a hacksaw.

-Jack

Bauer 2006 Bumper Sticker Contest - Cont.

Bauer 2006 Bumper Sticker Contest - Continued

Jack Bauer has the look, the desire, and the guns needed to run for Senate. What he doesn't have is a bumper sticker. That's where you come in.

Your Mission: Design a bumper sticker for Bauer2006
1) Develop a bumper sticker for Jack Bauer's 2006 run for the Senate in NY and CT.
2) Either create a post and send us a link or email your design to us.
3) All entries should be submitted by Friday (9/8).

On Friday (9/14), we will host a poll to choose a winner. The winning bumper sticker design will be placed on CafePress for sale. Any proceeds will be donated to AnySoldier, Inc.

Bumper Sticker Contest Entries

- Esbiem

- Esbiem

- Doug Morris

-Catscape

-Catscape

Emmy Counter

Jack Bauer has one question for Ned Lamont. How many Emmy Awards have you won?



And it would have been 3 Emmy Awards for Jack Bauer if the technical award for Outstanding Use of an Exploding Memory Stick had not gone to that jerk in House.



Previously
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence
Bauer2006 Platform #5 - No Black Helicopters
Bauer2006 Platform #6 - This Is My Daughter
Bauer2006 Platform #7 - One Sure Thing In My Administration Will Be Death And Taxes
And Now, A Message From Your Candidate

And Now, A Message From Your Candidate

Hello, I'm Jack Bauer, and I would like to talk to you about my New York opponent, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Ms. Clinton believes that diplomacy and understanding will keep America safe. I am here to tell you that diplomacy and understanding are what got this country into its predicament in the first place. Diplomacy and understanding brought about 9-11. Diplomacy and understanding brought about Iran's nuclear arms race. And diplomacy and understanding is what my opponent used when she forgave her husband, The President of the United States, after he committed adultery and perjury.

What kind of person lets their lover get away with such nonsense? Now, I know what you are thinking: "Jack, Nina Myers had a hand in kidnapping your family, murdered your wife, and committed treason." All of this is true, but I "forgave" my lover by shooting her multiple times in the chest and head. Apology accepted.

As your United States Senator, I will avoid diplomacy and understanding. I vow to speak softly, and carry a very big gun: one that holds lots and lots of bullets.

Bauer2006 Platform #7 - One Sure Thing In My Administration Will Be Death And Taxes

Specifically, more death and fewer taxes. The Bauer Administration will fight not only to bring back the death penalty in New York and Connecticut, but it will also promise to initiate it as often as the law allows. The death penalty is not a deterrent because it is not used nearly enough. As Senator, Jack Bauer will twist as many necks as necessary to implement its use. Mr. Bauer has also hinted at changing the death penalty to the more humane guillotine.

The Bauer Administration will also firefight to cut your taxes. The money saved on the guillotine alone will offset the skyrocketing cost of electricity and lethal injections. This is money that Jack Bauer will pass on to the law-abiding citizen. In Mr. Bauer's proposed new tax code, anyone convicted of a crime will shoulder more than 75 percent of the states' total taxes. Those without a rap sheet will split the remaining 25 percent. And since felons cannot legally vote, they have no say in the matter. How can you go wrong?

Jack Bauer 2006: Don't Fear The Reaper . . . Or The Tax Man.

Bauer2006 Platform #6 - This Is My Daughter.

Vote Bauer.

Bauer2006 Platform #5

Bauer2006 Platform #5 - No Black Helicopters

Republican candidate for Senate in New York "K.T." McFarland claims that Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) was using black helicopters to spy on her. What did McFarland do about these helicopters? She went to the media like any typical politician would do.

What would Jack Bauer do about black helicopters spying on him? Go to the media or take care of the situation himself? That's right, Jack Bauer would simply take out his handgun and shoot the helicopter(s) down. Just to make things fair, he could even shoot with his eyes closed.

Jack Bauer will shoot first, asking questions is for sissies.


Previous
Bauer2006 Launch
Bauer2006 Platform #1 - Jack Bauer is not Ned Lamont
Bauer2006 Platform #2 - Jack Bauer will not cut and run
Bauer2006 Platform #3 - Jack Bauer will cut moles and waste
Bauer2006 Platform #4 - Jack Bauer will man the border fence

The Top Ten Bauer 2006 Campaign Promises

10. All moles will be hunted down and killed. For now, squirrels are okay.
9. Public schools will replace soccer fields with shooting ranges.
8. Read my lips: no new terrorists.
7. Handguns will be mandatory for every citizen.
6. Blogs posting pictures of Kim Bauer will be immediately erased.
5. Chloe O'Brian will be named Secretary of Frowning and Sarcasm.
4. The Pittsburgh Penguins will move to Hartford and be renamed the Whalers.
3. New York will reinstate the death penalty: strangulation by piano wire.
2. Christopher Henderson will be reanimated as a cyborg cop.

And the number one Bauer 2006 campaign promise is . . .

1. Edgar Stiles will be posthumously awarded Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion.

Michelle, We Hardly Knew Ye

It has come to the attention of the staff at B4B that the only woman currently pictured in a front page post is Hillary "The Hill-dabeast" Clinton.

This cannot stand.

And since Elisha Cuthbert mentions RFTR and "Restraining Order" in the same breath nowadays, I figure we could use a dose of vitamin Dessler. Enjoy!