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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The B4B Guide to Nicknames
Updated: Because some characters have come and gone.

Bacardi and Cola -- Jack and Curtiss, when teamed on an op. Because Curtiss is dark skinned and Jack is light-skinned, and so they recall those respective beverages.

Badger --- Ivan Erwich, because the same actor, Mark Sheppard, played 'Badger' on Firefly. And he sort of looks like a badger. (Now deceased)

Biff Henderson --- Jack's Nemesis Christopher Henderson, named for David Letterman's stage manager. I arbitrarily decided this was funnier than calling him RoboCop.

Cartman's Mom --- Lynn McGill's crackwhore sister, after the character of Cartman's Mom on South Park who is also a crackwhore. (Now deceased)

Chiggy Killer - Bill Buchanan. So-called because in his previous role on Space: Above and Beyond, actor James Morrison's character of Lt. Col. TC McQueen took out the infamous alien ace, Chiggy von-Richthofen. Or, I should say, shot down. "Took out" could be mistaken as some weird, alien, Brokeback Mountain dating experience.

Cougar Bait --- Kim Bauer, because of the notorious Season 3 incident in which she was menaced by a cougar.

Comrade HATO --- Vladimir Bierko. HATO means "Hallowed Are the Ori," since the same actor played a Prior (Priest) in the Cult of the Ori on Stargate SG-1.

Dick Cheney --- Mike Novick, because he sort of looks like vice president Dick Cheney.

Florence Henderson --- Biff Henderson's wife, after the mom on the Brady Bunch... who was probably a bigger skank than she let on, but that's speculation for another time.

Hannibal Connery -- A terrorist collaborator who died in the Feburary 6, 2006 episode, but looked and sounded like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Sean Connery.(Now deceased)

John McCain --- Cartman's Mom's boyfriend. Because he appeared on the show the same week Senator John McCain was rumored to be making a cameo appearance. (Now deceased)

Potato-Face --- Television Without Pity's nickname for Chloe, because of that scrunched-up face she always makes and because it's a much less cruel nickname than Rene Zellweger-face.

President Weasel --- President Logan because... c'mon.

Mary Todd Weasel --- Martha Logan, because she shares the bipolar disorder associated with another first lady, Mary-Todd Lincoln.

Murphy --- President Weasel's VP, after SeaLab 2021's Commander Murphy, because he proposed imposing 'Martian Law' on Los Angeles.

S4GF -- Audrey Raines. Stands for Season 4 Girl Friend, because she was Jack's girlfirend in season 4 until he got her husband killed. Hey, I've done worse things in relationships. There was an S5GF with a teenaged son affectionately named Hairboy, but I don't think we'll be seeing them again.

Sam Gamgee -- Lynn McGill, because Sean Astin played Sam Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

Sid Blumenthal --- Sleazy, conniving presidential aide Walt Cummings, so named because he recalls a sleazy, conniving presidential aide from the Clinton Admin named Sid Blumenthal.(Now deceased)

Studboy --- Spenser, because he serviced Chloe in a stud-like manner, although it looks like he's gone for the rest of the season.

President Subaru --- The Russian President, because the character's name kinda sorta sounds like "Subaru," which is a kind of Japanese car favored by liberals who can't afford Volvos.

Red Foreman --- Secret Service agent Aaron Pierce, who sort of looks vaguely like That 70's Show's Red Foreman, but mostly because it enables me to use the word "dumbass" a lot.

Redshirts --- The CTU Security Personnel, because they were red shirts and are every bit as expendable as Star Trek Security Personnel, who also wore red shirts.

Token --- Curtiss's nickname when not teamed with Jack, after the character of 'Token Black' on South Park, because with David Palmer dead, Curtiss is the only African-American left in the regular cast. (I bet he has a bass guitar in his basement, too.)

Tom Green --- Cougar Bait's new boyfriend, because he has a goatee and he's really annoying.

Truffle Shuffle - Edgar, because he's a big guy and his gait recalls the shildhood-obesity dance performed by the character of Chunk in the movie The Goonies, which I have never actually seen, but am told it suits Edgar.(Now deceased)

Zombie Edgar --- Holding this in reserve... just in case.


RFTR said...

What, no love for S5GF?

Tyler said...

HAHA! Good one V the K

Anonymous said...

Teri Bauer (S1DW) - Season 1 Dead Wife?

KJ said...

I think S5GF will be back. 24 likes coming full circle you know.

NDwalters said...

"Do the Truffle Shuffle." 'Awww, come on.' "Do the Truffle Shuffle! Hahahaha, Childhood obesity."- Peter Griffin.

Here's some other nicknames.

Sybil- Audrey's new name, since she loves Jack, then hates him, then misses him, then wants him gone.

The Slimey- Limey terrorist Saunders, who wanted to kill everyone to settle a grudge.

Teddy KGB- Victor Drazen, he's dead, but Dennis Hopper's accent is way too much like John Malkovich from Rounders. "here's the ayce of spyades..."

Stupid B-tch- Sarah Gavin, how stupid was she to follow Driscoll, get duped by Marianne, get tazed, and then get fired all in one day?

Ihmotep- aka Habib Marwan from Season 4. Sorry, he was The Mummy for so long, I don't know what else to call him.

Stewie Griffin- aka the late Ryan Chapelle. Whiney, coniving, and well, Stewie had more hair than this bald man.

MILF- another name for Jack's current squeeze. She's hooooot.

NDwalters said...

Oh, here's a couple of more.

Evil Anne Heche- aka Mandy the bisexual, lesbian assassin who kills many people.

Jackass- Dave, the moron that Ira Gaines Shot.

Stupid Ass- Rick, you followed Dave's lead in season 1, hello?

Old Man Clemens- Roger Stanton, it's shock again! Zapped NSA from Season 2.

THE BITCH- tie between Sherry Palmer and Nina Myers. One betrayed her country, became a terrorist, killed Jack's wife, and was later killed. The other betrayed her husband, her family, and killed Palmer's friend, she was also killed.

SQUEAK- aka Paul Raines, gets less respect than Squeak from BASEketball.

Hound Dog- Secret Service Agent Pierce, loyal guardian of Palmer, Keeler, and now Logan. Calming yet firm handed bodyguard and US Agent.

German Boy- Max from Season 2, damn shame they haven't used this guy again. Thomas Kretschmann is cool.

Gary Coleman- Keith Palmer, gets in more trouble than the Diffrent Strokes kid and is about Gary's height.

Anonymous said...

Arms - Chase Edmunds

Anonymous said...

SYFLN - Maya Driscoll
SYD - Erin Driscoll

(Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut)
(Sometimes You Don't)

Anonymous said...

what are we calling jack's gf, claudia from season 3? the heroin chica that was shot in the back of a pickup by Hector?

NDwalters said...

I call Claudia, La Chica Muerta. The Dead Chick. Yeah, not kosher Spanish, but sue me. I SPEAK ENGLISH!

I was also thinking, Sonny Corleone's Sister- she got beat like a rented mule by her husband.

Buckaroo Banzai said...

I still like my "GrungeBob FlarePants" for Diana's punk kid.

Anonymous said...

'Edgar could be Chunk all grown up'

I got the Goonies on DVD a couple of years ago and good old Chunk grew up to be a pretty slim, fit looking lawyer. Most people wouldn't recognize him. It took a while before I realized who he was. All the 'kids' were doing commentary - Sean Astin was there for part of it even though this was right at the height of his Lord of the Rings fame.

Unknown said...

I was going to write you guys yesterday and tell you to do an updated nickname list and you read my mind, God you guys are good.

Dionne said...

Okay I don't curse very much but I just loooooooove Red Foreman on the 70's show and how he calls everyone dumbass. All that to say I think its an awesome name for Agent Pierce.

And if I haven't already harped on this enough Kim's boyfriend's nickname should be Ponyboy from his role in "The Outsiders" :-)))).

Anonymous said...

I think Ponyboy should also be remembered for his other memorable role.

Click Here

Anonymous said...

Tony's Cuban...I think Ricky(Ricardo) Almeida should come into play here.

Too ethnic?

Dionne said...

The Man:
Where is that pic of C. Thomas Howell from??

Anonymous said...

The Man:
Where is that pic of C. Thomas Howell from??

Soulman. An 80's classic.

Anonymous said...

I call Bierko "Crispy Chicken," after seeing him come out of the fire. Or "V.B.", "Vlad," and "Bee-Bee." What can I say, I'm nuts.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or does Chloe remind anyone else of a female Napolean Dynamite?

Kinda, but Chloe is funnier.

bRight & Early said...

I always thought that Rudy was a good name for Lynn McGill. Not that it matters any more.

NDwalters said...

Nominees for Jack's brother Graham. Who the F names their kid Graham? Sheesh.


Stewie Griffin
Rocket Romano
One Armed Wonder (ER joke)
Blue Tooth wearin Beyotch
Emil The Robocop thug
Wedgie Bait

Or Little Bauer

Anonymous said...

Graham's nickname should be "Blue Tooth Bob" since you never see him without the damn thing, unless there's a plastic bag over his head.

BauerPauer said...

What about the FBI agent guy that gets Wally Weezil to jack the phone from the "terrorists" in the detention center? He's the "How 'bout them applez" guy from Good Will Hunting. I propose Apple Sauce for his nickname (y'know like in Jay and Silent Bob strike back--Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season "Apple Sauce bitch!") lolz

BauerPauer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

spam kills

Anonymous said...

Oh come one, Martha Logan is COOL AS! She did all that cool stuff in season five AND she stabbed President Weasel.