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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

TivoBlogging: The following took place between 9:00 pm and 10:00 pm

9:00:00 to 9:09:58

To borrow a line from the endless promos during Prison Break, there are moments in every TV season that networks won't shut up about. So, how long will it take Jack to go Jackson Brown on S4GF?

As the 9 o'clock hour opens, CTU is not under siege by the walking dead, unless you count Frau Blucher. Chiggy Killer orders Chloe to look into S4GF's background to see if there is anything that might validate Heidi Fleiss's allegation (last week) that S4GF has gone Joe Wilson and is selling out the country to terrorists. Then, Chiggy takes S4GF into custody and orders her prepped for interrogation. S4GF watches in terror as the Comfy Chair is rolled into the interrogation room. Chiggy Killer tries to talk Frau Blucher out of using the Comfy Chair, but HLS Dick can hardly wait to get started. Jack is also opposed to using the Comfy Chair on S4GF. Frau Blucher, however can't wait to get started and bitch-slaps Jack by bringing up Nina Meyers. She agrees to let Jack "talk" to S4GF, but reserves the right to jerk him out of the interrogation and go Medieval on Audrey's ass. She then turns her attention back to seeing if there's anything about the situation FEMA can screw up.

Across town, a Police car pulls up on two men having a brawl in an alley. To absolutely no one's surprise, this turns out to be a trap. The terrorists staged a fight so they could commandeer a cop car. Raise your hand if you didn't see that coming as soon as the cop car pulled up. Anyone? OK, good. The cops are shot and the terrorists have a curfew-proof vehicle.

Back at CTU, Jack says to Chloe, he says, "Chloe, walk with me," Jack asks Chloe what's up with S4GF. Remember Sid Blumenthal? Apparently, Chloe found out that S4GF and Sid Blumenthal once checked into a hotel in Maryland together and did the nasty. Note: Chloe has managed to track this down, email photos to the hotel manager, get a response, and confirm receipts in under nine minutes. She also has an affadavit from the maid stating she found a used condom (small) in the trash the next morning. Apparently, Jack's ability to fold space-time is rubbing off on her. Anyway, the dots are connecting... S4GF to Sid Blumenthal to Biff Henderson to Kevin Bacon to the terrorists. It's not looking good for S4GF.

Which, of course, can only mean she's innocent.

9:14:03 to 9:22:45

Back from commercial break, we meet the hot chick who will be replacing Truffle Shuffle. For reasons that shall be made clear later, her TivoBlog nickname will be 'Anita Hill.' Apparently, she'll be working under Chloe. (Giggity! Giggity!) HLS Dick reacts to her presence foreshadowingly.

In the interrogation room, Jack begins to work on S4GF S4GF admits to having met Sid Blumenthal, but "only at a couple DOD briefings... where I drank a lot of iced tea... so I was out of the room a lot." "So, you only met him then? At DOD Briefings?" Jack asks her. "Yes," she tells him. "Oh, really," Jack says, sliding the envelope across the table. "Then, explain this... WHORE!" S4GF looks over the hotel receipts. "Oh, yeah, Jack, I slept with him when I thought you were dead. So, technically, we were on a break." "Like Rachel and Ross?" Jack asks. "Yeah, exactly Rachel and Ross," S4GF says. Jack overturns the desk and throws papers all over. "Ross had NO RIGHT to cheat on Rachel!"

Meanwhile, Chloe is trying to bring Anita Hill up to speed on CTU protocols and suchlike, but HLS Dick doesn't think she's qualified and is giving her a hard time, no pun intended. Chloe, for the first time in her entire life, actually takes a personal interest in another human being and asks what the deal with HLS Dick is. Anita Hill tells her that HLS Dick used to sexually harass her when they were at the San Francisco Office.

Jack is convinced that Audrey doesn't know anything (which most of us figured out back in Season 4) and wants to call off the interrogation. Frau Blucher is unsatisfied with the progress of the interrorgation and is eager to go Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS on S4GF, and when Jack tries to stop her, he gets tasered by some security goons. S4GF is dragged away kicking and screaming and given over to the ministrations of an interrogator I like to call Dr Mengele.

9:26:54 to 9:34:47

Biff Henderson is on the road, using his Boost Mobile phone to check in with the assault team he paid to off Shaft. "Where you at?" he asks. They inform him that they are in touch with the ground, they're on the hunt they're after Shaft and they expect they'll be upon him by the moonlight side. Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo. Biff is pissed that Shaft isn't dead yet. And now he has that damn song stuck in his head.

Meanwhile, Red Foreman checks in with the Secret Service detail to see if Shaft has shown up. A blandly good-looking agent tells him that Shaft has not shown up. Red's Dumbass Sense is tingling, so he takes it on himself to go out and check for Shaft on the road.

Frau Blucher approaches the post-tasered Jack. "You better put some ice on that," she advises of his taser wound. "You're interrogating the wrong hot babe. You should be torturing Heidi Fleiss, not my girlfirend from Season 4." Jack's theory is that Biff Henderson told Heidi Fleiss to give up S4GF if she got caught to throw CTU off the scent. Frau Blucher doesn't believe him. "Does he really think he can outsmart Homeland Security?" she demands to know as she signs an order for the police to confiscate every fingernail clipper in Los Angeles as a security precaution.

Speaking of whom, HLS Dick is still giving Anita Hill a hard time, and tells Chloe that the whole sexual harassment thing was BS. So, Chloe tasers him and he goes over and begins harassing the vending machines instead. Jack and Chloe sit down at their computers and prepare to figure out how to prove that Heidi Fleiss was lying to they can call "No Immunity" strap her into the comfy chair.

About this time, those Duke boys were making their way to the target with their "police escort." The terrorists plan to use the city's natural gas pipeline system to distribute the Tex-Mex gas throughout the city. Arriving at the John Goodman Memorial Gas Distribution Plant, they bump a rent-a-cop and move their van into place. The terrorists then invade the utility room and ask an Engineer we'll call Scotty where the control room is. "Who wants to know?" Scotty asks. Bang! "The guy who just killed your friend," HATO answers. "Control room's over there," Scotty tells them. They make their way into the control room, where HATO demands that the pressure in the gas lines be reduced by half in order to allow the Tex-Mex gas to flow. "How long will that take?" HATO demands. "An hour," Scotty says. Bang! "OK, sir, I'll make that 15 minutes."

9:38:52 to 9:47:54

Red Foreman is out in the woods looking for Shaft, when someone we, the viewers, can't see sneaks up from behind with a BFG* and makes him drop his gun. The holder of the BFG turns out to be Shaft. (Shaft Palmer. Damn Right.) They team up. Call them... Kahlua and Cream.

Meanwhile, S4GF is in the Comfy Chair getting the treatment the CTU goons like to call "Room Service for Courtney Love." She is being injected with more chemicals than Barry Bonds and starting to cry like Adam Morrison.

But Chloe has found phone contacts between Heidi Fleiss and Biff Henderson, which proves she was lying, and therefore her immunity deal is as dead as the chances for social security reform in the US Senate. Jack goes into her holding cell so he can lay some science on her perky ass. Her security goon tries to stop Jack from interrogating her, so Jack cold cocks him and takes his gun, "Take that, you taser-happy bastard." Jack holds the gun to Heidi Fleiss's head, and she finally admits that the target is a natural gas distribution center, but she doesn't know which one.

Jack runs into the interrogation chamber and gets Dr Mengele to pull the IV from S4GF's arm. "I knew you would come," S4GF tells Jack. And, maybe it's the relief of being exonerated or maybe it's the burning torture fluids coursing through her veins, but, she finds herself needin' some lovin', Bauer-style, and she and Jack share a moment of tender doomed intimacy.

Chloe and Chiggy killer are trying to identify which of the gas distribution centers is the target. They've narrowed it down to 30. Fortunately, Anita Hill earned her doctorate in chemistry at the age of 19, did her dissertation on the properties of Highly Classified Government Nerve Agents, and knows that Tex-Mex gas has to be be introduced to lower pressure pipelines, or else it will breakdown. They soon isolate the gas company that has just lowered the pressure in the tubes. "Well done," Chiggy says, and he immediately goes to file the forms with Frau Blucher that will allow him to request an assault team. "Did you see the way his hand brushed my shoulder as he walked by..." Anita Hill says, "he so-o-o-o-o wants me..." Chloe was about to offer her a Coke, but now thinks better of it.

Meanwhile, Kahlua and Cream come under heavy fire from Biff Henderson's RoboGoons, and Kahlua takes a bullet. Cream manages to wrestle him into an SUV. He drives off while the dumbasses continue firing at them from behind.

9:52:08 to 9:59:59

Bacardi and Cola are airborne and closing in on the John Goodman Memorial Gas Distribution Center. The terrorists have put the gas canisters in the main tank and are just waiting for the pressure to fall off to the point where the deadly gas can be distributed throughout El Lay. HATO tells Scotty to hurry up and bring the pressure down. "I'm doin' everythin; I can, captain, but I can only lower the pressure so fast. Ye canna change the laws of physics."

Bacardi and Cola fast-rope off the chopper and make their way into the distribution center. They make their way downstairs and hear two dudes speaking in Russian. They know real Californians would be speaking Spanish, and quietly ice both of them. They cautiously make their way to the control room door, entering the control room at 9:56:43. An expendable nameless CTU agent takes the first bullet. As the guns blaze, HATO activates the nerve gas canisters and then runs away.

Jack interrogates Scotty to try to figure out if the gas can be stopped before it enters the system. He gets an idea. With some C4, he can ignite the natural gas and burn off the Tex-Mex... or disperse it more widely. Either way. At 9:57:42, Jack puts the C4 charge onto the main gas line. Then, everybody loses contract with Jack just as the big explosions start happening. Jack, fortunately, uses his super-speed to outrun the exploding flames of a natural gas explosion. Jack gets clears just in time, but then sees HATO running back into the fire. Sensing his one opportunity to nail HATO, he gives chase. He catches up with HATO just as HATO is about to make his getaway in Roscoe Coltrane's police cruiser. They fight while natural gas storage tanks detonate all around them... in some of the hottest man-on-man action this side of Brokeback Mountain.

And none of the previews for next week show Jack, because the network thinks they can trick us into thinking he's dead.

* Big Frakkin' Gun


Anonymous said...

She also has an affadavit from the maid stating she sound a used condom (small) in the trash the next morning

I guess Walt was not "hung" well. Thank you, I am here all week.

voiceboy said...

So how did Veep know about Shaft?
Biff and "Martian Law-Boy" are in cahoots.
I hope Mrs Logan gets to smoke his ass.

RFTR said...

"Another triumph!"

And a free B4Blanche to anyone who can identify that reference.

Dionne said...

Awesome as always!!! There were so many good lines in this I don't know where to start :-). Loved the Anita Hill nickname.

I too was wondering how Chloe came up with that specific info in such a short amount of time.

Audrey drinking lots of ice tea so out of the room--Al Gore comparison--Classic!!!

Ross & Rachel comparison--very funny.

Taser wound--better put ice on that. Ouch!!

Cracking me up that you noticed how good-looking the secret service guy was too!!

Bravo--great job!!!

Anonymous said...

How did Shaft get the gun. He was running away before and next thing you know he's trying to kill Aaron......where'd it come from!!!!!

MJ06 said...

I loved the comment on real Californians would be speaking spanish halarious.

I have neglected to say this but at leas the LAPD is going to get their squad car back.

jwookie said...

I couldn't stop laughing at the Kahlua and Cream name for Palmer, Jr. and Pierce. Good one. For Shari I was orginally thinking Jail Bait, but Anita Hill's pretty good...