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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

TivoBogging: The Following Takes Place Between 6:00 pm and 7:00 pm

6:00:00 to 6:12:52

A terrorist scans the shabby apartment. "Let's see, killed the skank. Killed the skank's boyfriend. Got the card. Did I forget anything? Nope, don't think so." Then, he takes Sam Gamgee's CTU Shopper's Club Card out and easily reprograms it to his facial profile... which is easy because of his, plastic, Middle-Aged Ken-Doll like complexion.

Back at CTU, Tony is demanding to see Chiggy Killer about the time Kim Bauer shows up. S4GF calls Jack and lets him know that Kim Bauer is in the hizzy. Jack is transporting Biff and Florence Henderson to CTU. Biff Henderson starts to diss on Kim. "Florence and I were there for Kim when you weren't. And Greg, Marcia, Peter Bobby, and Cindy helped, too. Jan, not so much. She kind of jealous. 'It's all about Kim,' she used to rant. 'Kim! Kim! Kim!'" Jack tells him to shut his pie-hole. "Or, what, you'll threaten to shoot my wife again but not go through with it, y'big pussy?"

S4GF lets Kim know that her dad is still alive. Kim is grasped by feelings of hurt and ennui. Then, Kim is menaced by a cougar.

President Weasel walks into a room where the VP Murphy (as in the Commander Murphy of SeaLab 2021... {stay with me, there's a reason}) is already waiting, and he thinks CTU's evacuation plan blows chunks. Murphy is planning for 400,000 casualties, "a considerable upward revision" Cheney calls it. Therefore, Murphy wants to declare Martian Law in Los Angeles. Weasel is very into this Martian Law idea. "What exactly would my powers be under Martian Law?" Cheney explains, "Well, you can suspend civil rights, declare a posse comitatus..." "Nonsense!" Weasel shouts. "Mars is wild and untamed. I'll form a cadre of Martian Knights, charged with enforcing Martian Law!" Cheney is disturbed at this turn of events. "Mr. President, I think you need to see a doctor." Weasel shouts at him, "Under Martian law, doctors and other wizards are forbidden!"

Soon after Jack arrives at CTU, Comrade Plastic Complexion arrives and even though the red shirt has never seen him before, he accepts his CTU Shopper's Club Card without question, lets him pass. "Hey, what's that in your bag? A container of toxic nerve gas?" the Red Shirt asks. "Or, are you just happy to see me?"

6:17:03 to 6:27:52

Jack returns to CTU and meets with S4GF, who tells Jack that Kim brought Tom Green (her new boyfriend) with her to the CTU office. Kim and Tom Green are pretty pissed about Jack not telling her he wasn't dead. Jack asks Tom Green to leave the room, so he can be alone with his daughter. He refuses, so Jack shoots him in the knee. (Just kidding. We should be so lucky.) Jack and Kim have an awkward moment of reunion. Then, a cougar comes in and starts menacing her.

Meanwhile, Comrade Plastic Complexion is making his way through CTU... challenged by no one. He casually passes the break room and plays a round of foosball with Edgar, then proceeds to the basement, where the Master Ventilation System is conveniently located.

Up in the infirmary, Tony rips off his bandage and demands of Chiggy Killer "Who did this? Who scarred my rugged, manly features?" Chiggy Killer says, "It's all classified, I can't tell you anything... but it was Biff Henderson."

Speaking of Biff, he's strapped up like he's about to get the lethal injection. "He's going to tolerate an inhuman amount of pain," Jack says, his nipples erect with the prospect. He's even hired Mel Gibson to come in and act out some of the more intense parts of Passion of the Christ on Biff. Jack approaches Biff and lays it on thick about Biff just thinking he's doing the right thing. Biff goes all Hannibal Lecter on him. "My, my, my, Clarisse. Disarming your subject by showing empathy for his agenda. Tell me, what did Multiple Miggs tell you as you walked by?" Seeing that he's getting nowhere, Jack turns to Mel Gibson. "Start it up," he says. Mel takes out a massive syringe. "Now, this won't hurt a bit... until I plunge it into your eyeball!"

6:32:03 to 6:38:53

Mary Todd sneaks out to the back of the presidential retreat for a smoke. Dick Cheney approaches her. "Your husband's going a bit bonkers. He needs you." Mary Todd is unimpressed. "He was going to let me die at the hands of terrorists." "Hey, every married couple goes through that. Don't you watch Dr. Phil?" Cheney tells her, "But he really needs your help. VP Murphy wants to impose Martian Law. You're the only one who can possible talk him out of it." "Martian Law?" Mary Todd asks. "Yeah," Cheney tells her. "We'll be lucky if ten people at B4B get that reference."

Meanwhile, Comrade Plastic Complexion is accessing the specs of the CTU ventilation system. Seems a bit unnecessary, given that there's a great big fan right behind him blowing air throughout the building, but anyway... The chick PHB Gamgee fired last week notices that the ventilation system is being checked out. So, she goes and tells the worst possible person to give vital information to...Truffle Shuffle. He tells her he's busy, so check it out herself.

Mary Todd comes up behind Weasel. He asks for forgiveness. They share an intimate moment and discuss terms of forgiveness. Then, Mary Todd is menaced by a cougar.

Meanwhile, the chick that PHB Gamgee fired last week goes down into the basement and sees Comrade Plastic Complexion sabotaging the ventilation system. She tries to call CTU, but before she can even get a signal (being in the basement), he stabs her right in the back.

That's what she gets for going to Edgar with a security concern.

6:43:04 to 6:48:33

Comrade Plastic Complexion puts the canister under the great big fan. Upstairs, Kim goes over to talk to Chloe. "Hey, my dad said he was going to do something, do you know how long he'll be?" "Well, he's torturing a guy so, it could be an hour... probably less." Chloe also tells Kim to chill out about the whole Jack being alive thing. "By the way, did you know there's a cougar menacing you?" Kim shrugs, "Yeah, he follows me everywhere." She scratches the beast between the ears.

Chiggy Killer goes to Sam Gamgee and tries to break some bad news to him gently. "Hey Sam, you know that the difference between MC Hammer and your sister is? MC Hammer wasn't just executed gangland style in his apartment." Sam Gamgee lets Chiggy Killer know that his sister stole his CTU Shopper's Club Card. Chiggy calls Chloe to scan for anyone who used Sam Gamgee's Shopper's Club Card. They find out it was, and CTU goes into lockdown, meaning they will all be trapped inside with the gas. Great plan.

6:52:40 to 6:59:59

Jack is in the torture room with Mel and Biff when all the alarms start going off. Chaos reigns at CTU. Chiggy and Chloe spot Comrade Plastic Complexion trying to escape out the back and dispatch Jack to capture him. In the tunnel, Comrade Plastic Complexion cold cocks a redshirt and plans to use him to get out of CTU, as hostage or a battering ram, it's not clear at first. He gets the redshirt to put his thumbprint on a thumbprint reader, then kills him and takes his walkie-talkie. Jack finds the body, and radios to Chiggy Killer that CPC's in the stairwell trying to get to the roof. This fakes out Comrade Plastic Complexion long enough for Jack to get the drop on him. Jack orders him to drop the gun. He doesn't. This proves to be a mistake on his part.

Jack finds a PDA on the dead terrorist and immediately deduces that Tex-Mex gas is about to be released in CTU. Chiggy Killer calls for Code Six, total building evacuation. Edgar runs down to the basement to find the chick that PHB Gamgee fired last week. He finds Carrie's body just as the nerve gas begins to blow into the building. In CTU Central, they see the gas coming . Chloe quickly locks down all the rooms that can be locked down and they seal everyone they can inside those rooms, especially the main conference room --- S4GF, Chloe, Jack, Chiggy, Tom Green, Kim, the cougar... they all make it inside. Then, they watch as everyone who couldn't make it pounds frantically on the glass. Finally, they watch as Edgar enters the CTU situation room. As he succumbs to the gas, he has time to belch out a final word... "Rosebud."


Mongo said...

Great analysis...

But what about the ZITS on Kim's chin??????

We've been waiting for her and she can't afford a tube of Clearasil???

Anonymous said...

You never explain the the Sealab nickname...Murphy.

tuffbeingright said...

>>and she can't afford a tube of Clearasil???

No kidding! If KB wants to wear clothes on tv, then she had damn well better make sure all her exposed skin is top notch.

Why don't they have a shower in that conference room they sealed themselves into?

Anonymous said...

Get real, Mongo. You mean to tell me that you'd kick our favorite starlet out of bed just for a couple of pimples on her chin?

Yeah, right, now pull the other leg...

...Great job on the recap, V. They're better than the actual episodes...

--LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

Anonymous said...

Great comment over at last night's "24" thread over at Dave Barry's blog: "Wouldn't it be great if next week all the dead CTU people got up and started shambling around saying 'Braaiinnsss, braaiinnsss?'"

--LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

Dionne said...

Love the Mel Gibson and Dr. Phil references. Great job!!

jwookie said...

Are you sure we want to start calling Kim's soon to be dead boyfriend Tom Green? I think maybe Dr. Phil or bitter head shrinker or psychobabble bs.

Anonymous said...

Maybe not call him Tom about FJBC(Future Jack Bauer Casualty), or Tom Green, FJBC?