Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 1

Welcome to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System (now including combo kills) listed below. Post your point total in the comments section for Sunday and Monday (Hours 1 to 4). The winner will be posted on Tuesday.

Kill Counter^© Guidelines
1. Only kills made by Jack Bauer will be counted.
2. Jack Bauer has to be present in order for a kill to be counted. No mind-control crap.
3. If Jack Bauer kills himself, a paradox will be created thus ending any future use of this kill counter and/or could end the world as we know it.
4. If Jack Bauer dies, the Kill Counter^© will go on. Because...
5. If Jack's ghost kills someone, it counts.
6. Bonus points will be awarded if Jack goes beyond the call of duty in killing someone by taunting and/or torturing before killing them (see below).


Point System:
Jack Bauer with a gun (1 point)
Jack Bauer with a knife (1 point)
Jack Bauer with explosives (1 point)

Jack Bauer with his head (4 points)

Jack Bauer with his manpurse (5 points)
Jack Bauer with his upper body (2 points)

Jack Bauer with his lower body (3 points)
Jack Bauer's cell phone kills someone (0.5 point)

Jack Bauer kills CTU agent Jason Blaine (2 points)

Jack Bauer kills another member of CTU (-1 point)

Bonus Points:
Jack Bauer tortures someone before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool and tortures someone before killing them (+3 points)

If Jack Bauer utters a "dammit" in the process of killing someone (+1 point/each)

If Jack Bauer wears aviators while killing someone (+1 point)

If Jack Bauer sports his manpurse while killing someone (+1 point)

Jack Bauer Combo Kills:

If Jack Bauer kills more than one person in one situation, here's how the combo points add up.

2 kills-in-1 (+2 points)

3 kills-in-1 (+6 points)

4 kills-in-1 (+8 points)

...10 kills-in-1 (+20 points)

and so on.

Examples:

-Jack Bauer walks into a room, pulls a gun from his manpurse, and kills 2 terrorists.

Gun Kill (1 point)

Manpurse +1

Combo Kill +2

Total = 4 points

-Jack Bauer puts on his aviators, walks up to Jason Blaine and says "Jason, you don't think that I can force you to swallow a whole stick of Degree antiperspirant, but I can..."

Jason Blaine kill (2 points)

Aviators on +1

Cool speak/torture bonus +3

Total = 6 Points

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Guidelines

Last season at Blogs4Bauer, we counted every death on the kill counter. Others copied the system and now every other 24 site has someone counting the bodies before they hit the floor. We're going to do things a little different this season. Jack Bauer's body count is going to work on a points-based system that was first developed by the evil geniuses who brought us the BCS system in college football.

This season, it sounds like we don't have enough fingers or space to tally up the number of bodies left behind Jack's wake. In today's New York Post, they review the upcoming Jack Bauer Power Hours and state (what Tyler and some other hacks already know) that we have been under attack for some time before the President Palmer picks up the phone and orders a #45, which happens to be a tortured Jack Bauer and a side of rice.

As the sixth season of "24" begins, we learn that the attacks have been underway for about 11 weeks in at least 10 cities. - NY Post

Too many bodies, so little time. So therefore we are laying down some guidelines for this season's Kill Counter^©.
Kill Counter^© Guidelines
1. Only kills made by Jack Bauer will be counted.
2. Jack Bauer has to be present in order for a kill to be counted. No mind-control crap.
3. If Jack Bauer kills himself, a paradox will be created thus ending any future use of this kill counter and/or could end the world as we know it.
4. If Jack Bauer dies, the Kill Counter^© will go on. Because...
5. If Jack's ghost kills someone, it counts.
6. Bonus points will be awarded if Jack goes beyond the call of duty in killing someone by taunting and/or torturing before killing them.

We will still post a weekly Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge, where you guess the total number of points that will be added to the counter during the week's show. The closest to the actual number will be the winner. We will post the first challenge on Friday and it will cover the firs two hours on Sunday. The second one will cover Monday night's hours and will be posted Monday.

Point System:
Jack Bauer kills someone with a gun (1 point)
Jack Bauer kills someone with a knife (1 point)
Jack Bauer kills someone with explosives (1 point)
Jack Bauer kills someone with his bare hands (2 points)
Jack Bauer kills a cougar (3 points)
Jack Bauer kills another member of CTU (-1 point)
Bonus Points:
Jack Bauer tortures someone before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool and tortures someone before killing them (+2 points)

Got any other additions to the points/bonus system like how we can incorporate a Combo System so Jack gets multiple points for bulk kills? Enter them in the comments.

New Logo - Part 3

I Know....

Usually I would link to my own blog in one (any/all) of my posts , however I am not. Because I know something. I know something very few others know.

I know what happens in the first four episodes of season 6!

What happens is so awesome...

It made Bacardi cry....

Yet Another Logo

I understand that new contributors are required to include a Kim Bauer pic with their first post. So, when I should have been doing other things I created this animated logo.

I have to have something to occupy my time for the next 121 hours.

More Blogs4Bauer Logos

Template Update

Is anyone particularly good with CSS?

If so, I would greatly appreciate some assistance with the new template--there are a few glitches that I can't seem to fix. (Namely the extra line below lawhawk's name on the first widget on the left sidebar and the disappearance of the right border on the right sidebar).

I'm happy to share the full template with anyone who has enough of an understanding of the new blogger's formatting if that will help you sort it out.

And, if you contribute to correcting these bugs, I promise you that you will receive prominent linkage immediately and during the season premiere. If you think you have a solution, or might be able to help me find one, please email me at rftr.blogger@gmail.com.

Bear With Us

Please bear with us over the next few days. Since our transition to the New Blogger allows for some exciting new features, I'll be toying with the layout. It may look quite bad at times, and it may look quite good at others.

This is all in advance of the new and upcoming season of 24. I should have things settled no later than Saturday.

Thanks for your patience.

New Logo

Thanks to bRight & Early for the new logo. Check it out.

CTU Guide to Surviving Gas Attacks

CTU Guide to Surviving Gas Attacks
With the gas attack on New York City today, CTU and Blogs4Bauer has teamed up to provide New Yorkers with the information they need if they start to choke. We apologize; as we're a day late with this information for members of the Jets and Giants.

If you smell something weird in New York today, follow these CTU-approved steps to make it out alive.

Step 1: Simply find the nearest hermetically sealed conference room.
Step 2: Ensure that all overweight team members are outside the hermetically sealed conference room as they tend to take up more oxygen/food.
Step 3: Have plenty of tissues available.
Step 4: Make sure that everyone is wearing hoodies and/or can hold their breath for at least 10 minutes.
Step 5: Don't panic, just make sure there are enough security guards to sacrifice until help arrives.
Step 6: Even though Talk Like Jack Bauer Day is on January 15th; it might come in handy if you find yourself locked in a hermetically sealed conference room with people you don't really like all that much.

If all else fails; remember that Kim Bauer is probably to blame.

Counterpoint: Snake Plissken is a whiny little bitch

Counterpoint: Snake Plissken is a whiny little bitch.
By Lieutenant John McClane

Jesus Christ, I am sick and tired of hearing about Snake Plissken, “The Hero of Leningrad,” “The Savior of the President,” and “The Messiah of Los Angeles.” If Plissken spent half as much time honing his, admittedly, impressive skills, the world wouldn’t need me, John McClane, “The Blue Collar Cop Who Quietly Does His Job.”

Some people refer to me as “The Hero of Nakatomi Plaza.” I think this description is crap. I’m a cop, and what I did in Los Angeles that Christmas Eve was all part of the job. However, let me remind Mr. Plissken that I single-handedly took out over a dozen armed terrorists, saved about one hundred people, and I did it all without my shoes on. Oh, and I did all of these things in less than twelve hours! I didn’t need twenty-two like some prima donnas.

As for Jack Bauer, I have had the pleasure of working with him in Los Angeles. He is the most thorough investigator I have ever seen. If it takes him a full day to save the country – again – then so be it. At least we know the job will be done right. With you, who knows?

I know Jack Bauer. I have worked alongside Jack Bauer. Mr. Plissken, you are no Jack Bauer.

Point: I wasn't invited to Jack Bauer's whine and cheese party.
-Snake Plissken



(Wyatt created this counterpoint, but it was posted by me, because Wyatt doesn't have NewBlogger yet)

Building Towards A Kickass 24 Season

Let the countdown begin for the new season of 24 commence in earnest. The New York Daily News isn't mincing words in its opinion of the upcoming opening hours of the new 24 season. It's going to be a hit (as if you didn't already expect that).

Jack's back, and I've got to believe that he's got a chip on his shoulder. I wouldn't be surprised if the Chinese put one in there after torturing him and doing who knows what to him while in captivity.

Last season, you'll recall, "24" opened with the rapid-fire deaths of several key characters, including Dennis Haysbert's President David Palmer, and closed with Jack Bauer being carted off by Chinese government agents. The new season begins 20 months later, with Jack, looking like Rip Van Bauer, about to be freed from having spent that whole time in a Chinese prison, defiantly mute and definitely tortured.

Since it occurs at the virtual start of this new cycle of "24," it's not spoiling much of anything to reveal that the man in the Oval Office is, again, President Palmer - but this time it's brother Wayne (D.B. Woodside), whose inner circle includes both the familiar (Jayne Atkinson as Karen Hayes, now national security adviser) and the new (Peter MacNicol as Tom Lennox).

To keep all the surprises intact, let's limit the basic information to the fact that Chloe (Mary Lynn Rajskub) is still at CTU, along with Curtis (Roger Cross), Milo (Eric Balfour), Morris (Carlo Rota) and boss Bill Buchanan (James Morrison) - and that among the new players, as Jack and company pursue the latest dire terrorist threat, is Alexander Siddig from "Battlestar Galactica."

The plot is propelled with deliberate speed, and with truly startling events to climax two of the first four hours. The tension is high, the body count is substantial, and the thrill-ride momentum of "24" swiftly veers viewers away from any nagging lapses of logic or credibility.

You can bet that we're going to be tracking that body count quite closely and hash out all those lapses of credibility at the Blogs4Bauer in both the live blogging sessions and recaps.

This will also be my first offical posting on the Blogs4Bauer website as the offer to join the crew was extended last week.

Cross posted at A Blog For All.

24 MythBuster: Jack Bauer's Unicorn

Here at Blogs4Bauer, we strive to provide you and other 24 fans with the most updated and factual information possible. Too many websites are putting out false rumors and outright lies about Jack Bauer and the upcoming season of 24.

Myth #24: Jack Bauer returns from China on a unicorn to fight terrorists.

I'm not sure who started this silly rumor; however there are 11,500 Google search hits for "'Jack Bauer' unicorn". First of all, unicorns are fake. Second, Jack Bauer will not need fake animals to take out this season's band of terrorists.
Some of you geeks out there would love to see Jack on the mythical creature wielding a +3 Magical Sword of Light while trying to save Chloe from dragons. Sorry, it's not going to happen, put down the 10-sided dice and get a life.

Next Myth: Jack Bauer did not kill Gerald Ford.

Point: I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party.

Point: I wasn't invited to Jack Bauer's whine and cheese party.
-Snake Plissken

The name is Snake and I'm really getting tired of all of Jack Bauer's holier-than-thou bullshit. For too long, I've had to watch as Bauer saves the day in 24 hours, with a little less complaining and more killing it should have been saved in 22. I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party; do I need to bring some brie? What's that? I'm not invited? Good.

I flew a glider during the Battle of Leningrad, a decorated hero for action in Siberia and Leningrad...the youngest man to be decorated by the President. After serving my country, I didn't get a nice CTU desk job. No, I got sent to New York Maximum Security Prison, otherwise known as Manhattan.
Then my country decided it needed me for a mission. Done.
and told me to fly a Gulfstream glider onto the Trade Center. Done.
and rescue the President. Done.
Did I get 24 hours? No, I got 22.

Jack Bauer's pretty hair, cell phone, Curtis, and manpurse are starting to annoy me. I had only had only Mac-10 and a glider to save the President.

My lifeclock is telling me that it's time for Jack Bauer to end his damn whine and cheese party. And f&$king I hate brie.

Counterpoint: Snake Plissken is a whiny little bitch.
By Lieutenant John McClane



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - I know that YOU want to come back to me. by Heroin
Counterpoint - Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.By Adrenaline

Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Jack Bauer's Birthday

December 21st is Jack Bauer's Birthday!

No one does Birthday parties like CTU.

Curtis: "Seriously Jack, the whole kidnap, months of torture, and clown thing seemed a whole lot funnier when we were planning it back at CTU".

Birthday Card for Jack Bauer
"sign" the birthday card below by leaving comments on this post. We will then forward them to Jack Bauer himself!

TLJB Day - FAQ

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day - January 15

In one month, Jack Bauer returns to save the world for the sixth time.
What have you done lately?

With the four-hour start of Season 6, we are going to celebrate Talk Like Jack Bauer Day on January 15th. Yes, we ripped off Talk Like a Pirate Day, sue us. (Please don't actually sue us as we have no money.) We thought about having a Talk Like Edgar Day, but it just revolved around obscene amounts of Ho-Hos and crying. Talk Like Tony Day involved too many needles and participating in Talk Like Chloe Day would just end up pissing people off.

Here's a little "how-to" guide to talking like Jack Bauer on January 15th from your pals at Blogs4Bauer. If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us.

Q: I don't know how to "talk" like Jack Bauer.
You're already well on your way, since that was not a question and Jack does not have time for questions. Additionally, if you find yourself not knowing how to talk like Jack Bauer, it's acceptable to just act like Jack Bauer. That usually means lots of excessive force.

Q: What if someone gets upset with my Jack Bauer impersonation?
A: Act more upset or use excessive force.

Q: I told my boss' child that his father is dead in my best evil voice. What now?
A: Make sure you call his wife.

Q: What do I do if I get fired?
A: Remember, Jack Bauer has been fired many times, but he's never stopped working. If necessary, assume a secret identity for the rest of the day (using alliteration is advised) until they need you again.

How to act on Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
-Make sure to yell very simple requests.
-Take a helicopter to work.
-Issue threats that involve family members and/or body parts.
-Always mention that you're running out of time.
-Carry a manpurse. Wear aviators. Don't do drugs.
-Start each conversation with "I'm federal agent (your name), and today is the longest day of my life".
-Carry around zip ties and a pair of pliers (because you never know).
-Ask a coworker for either a hacksaw or lighter fluid.
-Keep a car battery and some jumper cables on your desk.
-Use your cell phone as much as possible. If the battery dies, just pretend it's still working.
-End phone calls by stating "remember, I'm in a Flank 2 position". Works well when you are on a conference call.
-Use at least 5 exclamation points in every email!!!!
-Ask "Who are you working for!?" to as many people as possible.
-Throw out a "Dammit" during the day, just for the hell of it.
-Drink each time you hear a co-worker say "Dammit".
-Make a mistake at work? Blame Nina Myers.
-Request everything be sent to your PDA (works best if you don't have one).
-Accuse co-workers and/or children of being moles.
-Make sure to let your co-workers catch you looking at Google Earth maps of their houses. When they ask why, tell them that you've tracked a terrorist cell to that location.

Samples
Co-worker: How was your weekend?
You: damnit Bob, we don't have time for simple questions.
Co-worker: I just asked about your weekend.
You: Dammit. Who are you working for?
Co-worker: Never mind, forget I asked.

Co-worker: Hey man. Did you already get breakfast?
You: I've killed 3 people today and no I've yet to eat breakfast. Dammit!
Co-worker: Is that a threat?
You: That's not a threat, that's a fact.

Boss: Hey, where are the reports I asked for?
(pull out stapler, move towards boss)
You: I think the question you should be asking is how are you going to read the reports after I staple your eyelids to your desk!

(If a co-worker tries to talk to you while you're using the urinal, finish up, flush, walk over to the sink, wash your hands, and remove a paper towel from the dispenser.)
You: You probably don't think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It's very painful. (Reference)

Co-worker: Hey, can you cover for me? I need to run an errand.
You: Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you're still conscious is that I don't want to do your work for you.

Finally, remember that for the whole 24 hours of Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, you cannot go to the bathroom or charge a cell phone. Also, it should only take you a maximum of 3 minutes to get anywhere you are going.

If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us and we may incorporate them on a future TLJBD post.

Meet Your New CTU Director: Paul Teutel Sr

Meet Your New CTU Director: Paul Teutel Sr

At last, a CTU Director equal to Jack Bauer. We can look forward the following inspirational bits of dialog:

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Chloe, we don't have time for your f**king personality disorder! Come over here and stand in front of me so I can hit you in the back of the head.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Audrey, get your horse face upstairs and find my drill bits.
Audrey Raines: I want you to apologize for calling me horse face.
CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr..: I apologize for calling you horse face. Now get your horse face up there and find my fookin' bits!

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: I want you out of my CTU, Jack. I'm not going ask twice, cos the second time I'll use my size 12.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Just do it! Instead of dicking around, like you always do!
Bill Buchanan: Somebody's got PMS.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr: OK, Which one of you red shirts let the terrorists get into the CTU. What the f**k is wrong with you?
Red Shirt: We were keeping the facility secure...
CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr: Twinkle-dinkle-dinkle! You never secured a facility in your life!

All right, he's not the new CTU Director. But come on, Ricky Freaking Schroeder?

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays from the crew at Blogs4Bauer

Click Here for your gift.

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day

January 15th is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day.
More details to follow.

Keep your zip ties and lighter fluid handy.

We hate to brag, but . . .