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Monday, February 27, 2006

(Not) TiVo Blogging: The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm

(Not)*TiVo Blogging: The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm

*More like, "Hotel in Suburban Philadelphia Blogging"

4:00 to 4:13:39

Good Morning Campers. I am on the road without TiVo, so if I miss anything... too frakkin' bad. Here we go.

Comrade HATO* informs us that we have 40 minutes until the motorcade with Russian Pres Subaru and Mary Todd Weasel will be ambushed. Isn't great the way the terrorists time everything so that all the action on '24' happens near the end of every hour.

Dick Cheney and President Weasel review the most likely ambush point and discuss how to handle the subsequent cover up after the terrorists grease the Subarus. "Standard cover-up Number 22 was always one of my favorites" Weasel says. Dick Cheney informs Weasel that Mary Todd hitched a ride with the Subarus. Weasel rings her up in the limo. She picks up the line and he tells her "Et-gay out of the otorcade-may before the errorists-tay release the ass-gay." ("Ass-Gay" Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh.) She refuses and hangs up on him. So, he plots with Dick Cheney to have her removed from the motorcade by force. "Can't do it, she'll tip the Subarus." Dick Cheney tells him.

At CTU: PHB** Gamgee is stamping his big hairy feet in fury. His irrational behavior has forced Chloe and S4GF to work in the CTU smoker's stairwell while they check out Biff Henderson. They confirm to Jack that Omicron Corp made the Tex-Mex gas. It turns out that Biff Henderson was the guy who originally recruited Jack to CTU, then he went all corrupt and stuff and sold classified data to defense contractors, Halliburton, the Russian mafia, the Girl Scouts...

Truffle-Shuffle comes into the smoker's hallway. "Sam Gamgee is losing it!" he exclaims, and informs them that he has scheduled everyone for a two-day staff meeting to discuss the new process for formulating the employee recognition process. "You have to cover for Chloe until Jack gets back," S4GF tells Truffle-Shuffle.

Meanwhile, Weasel is losing it back at the presidential retreat. "When they attack, they will be fast and they will be merciless," he says. Can't they do something. Dick Cheney lays it out for him. "The only thing you can do is call back the motorcade. If you call it back, the terrorists will release the Tex-Mex gas." "Then, there's nothing more we can do," Weasel sighs, and breaks out a copy of the Singles Weekly and a highlighter.

4:17:02 to 4:24:49

PHB Gamgee fires a chick for talking to Homeland Security on the phone. After Hurricane Katrina, Homeland Security is the last place anyone should be talking to in an emergency. Then, he threatens to fire Truffle-Shuffle. Then, he fires Wally and Asok the Intern.

Jack finds a parking space at Omicron. Chloe sets up an alias for him. She creates an identity in the Omicron database under the name Jack Meoff. He's a petroleum-based lubricant salesman. As she is setting up the alias, PHB Gamgee, funming and spouting nonsense about "Empowering our synergies" and complaining that "I can't have Chloe away from her desk. We have a personnel shortage... mainly because I've been firing everybody." Chloe has just enough time to establish the cover before PHB calls her back to print out some PowerPoint slides "in color this time."

Meanwhile, Jack finds his passage blocked by Biff Henderson's secretary, Tandy Hotbabe. Jack calls S4GF who fakes a call from Accounting to get Hotbabe out of the way. Jack walks into Biff Henderson's office and gets the old "Stun Gun to the Shoulder." Biff Henderson (a.k.a. RoboCop) revives him with smelling salts without an intervening scene. "Sorry, Jack... I thought you were Scott Baio." "Why were you going to taser Scott Baio?" Jack asks. "He knows why," Biff/RoboCop informs him. "You made the Tex-Mex gas," Jack accuses. "There is no Tex-Mex gas," Biff Henderson insists. "The people in the Mall died from Tex-Mex gas," Jack tells him. Biff sticks his fingers in his ears. "I can't hear you. La-la-la." To prove he had nothing to do with the Tex-Mex, Biff Henderson offers to show him the secret company files.

4:29:12 to 4:40:46

Truffle Shuffle passes a tablet notebook to Chloe. Some of the decrypted codes from NSA indicate that the terrorists have somehow(!) figured out the Russian president's motorcade route and may be preparing an ambush. They take the report to PHB Gamgee with the warning of a possible terorrist attack on the Subarus. PHB suggests they form an empowerment group and conduct an off-site tiger team in accordance with the ISO 9001 process. Then, he threatens to fire Chloe and Truffle Shuffle for suggesting that CTU alert the Secret Service to the possibility of terrorist attack. Then, he goes back to trying to work "diversity" into the CTU Mission Statement and scheduling an appointment with Catbert to see how many more people he can downsize. Token and S4GF also think alerting the Secret Service would be a good idea, but PHB Gamgee tells them if they don't shut up, he will have to mark them down from "Above Average" to "Average" on their performance reviews.

Meanwhile, Comrade HATO and his men prepare to make the assault on the Subaru motorcade.

S4GF calls Truffle-Shuffle and Chloe into Corridor 7A and says, "Hey, Chloe, can you fake an email from PHB to the Secret Service and alert them to the potential terrorist threat." Chloe scrunches up and makes a Renee Zellweger face, meaning yes. (Also meaning no, also meaning 'Jack's in trouble' Also meaning 'Edgar just cut one' et cetera...) S4GF then goes to Token. "I need you to pull a Section 112 on PHB Gamgee." "The Dilbert Protocol?" Token says. "Yes, the Dilbert Protocol." Token is not convinced, and decides to go down into the basement and play bass until he makes up his mind.

At the Presidential Retreat, Dick Cheney and Weasel discuss their options. They really haven't changed since the first commercial break. Sam Gamgee asks Cheney to pray with him, and hauls out a rooster. (President Weasel practices santeria.) Cheney passes.

Meanwhile, PHB Gamgee orders the red shirts to arrest everybody at CTU. Token intervenes and threatens to draw his weapon. The red shirts fold faster than Superman on laundry day. Token cites the Section 112 Protocol "I hereby remove you from command under Section 112: Acting like Dilbert's boss." The red shirts drag PHB away and he cries like a little girl, vowing revenge. "I'll break your legs off, and then I'll burn CTU to the ground so you'll have to crawl to the Emergency Assembly Areas dragging your bloody stumps!"

4:45:12 to 4:50:16

Token pulls Chiggy Killer out of stir and informs him of the possible terrorist attack. They call Weasel and informs him that they know of the possible attack. "Praise the almighty Orishas, " Weasel says, preparing to sacrifice a fresh cockerel. "R-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght" Cheney says, slowly backing to the rear of the room. Cheney then informs him that with CTU on the case, the attack is much less likely to succeed. Weasel discreetly puts his Singles Weekly aside.

The Secret Service gets a warning to the motorcade. But fortunately, the warning comes too late to prevent a climactic action sequence. Comrade HATO and his comrades unleash Hell, including a missile, on the Subaru's limo. Then they shoot up the motorcade with AK's and flamethrowers. They're about to charbroil the disabled presidential limo when Red Foreman opens his door. "Hey, Dumbasses!" he yells, "Terrorize this!" He then wastes some terrorists with his sidearm.

Mary Todd and the Subarus (Hey, that would make a great band name) survive the attack. Weasel is somewhat disappointed when he is informed. "Now, they terrorists are just going to release the gas on someone else... and I just found a 24 year old SWF into light BDSM."

4:54:42 to 4:59:59

Now, after being Jack-free for over 24 minutes, we see Jack and Biff Henderson walking deep in the bowels of Omicron Corp... or the set of Galaxy Quest, hard to tell. Biff Henderson expresses disdain for Chiggy Killer, then tells Jack he was framed in the whole selling classified secrets thing, and blames some people from earlier seasons. Then, he shows the incredible graphic-intensive personnel files. He notices a curious pattern, all the scientists who worked on the Tex-Mex gas ... Jorge Rodriguez, Miguel Hernandez, Juan Valdez ... are all dying mysteriously. Then, Biff Henderson leaves the room, "Excuse me while I powder my nose." Then, he leaves the building... leaving Jack in the basement with some-kind of Kill-Jack bomb. (Obviously, he planned ahead). Jack puts the bomb against the Blast door and stacks filing cabinets in front of it. Biff Henderson drives off. The bomb goes off, but Jack survives. I guess this is what the previews meant by "learning the real meaning of betrayal."

Meanwhile, Weasel and Cheney talk cover-up. "Hey, my wife was in the car. That should be a plus, credibility-wise. I mean , I really loved her... not like Bill and Hillary." Comrade HATO calls the president and tells him, "Since the Russian president lived, we have no choice to but to release the nerve gas." And that's where they leave us.

Nest Week: A '24' Double Header. Wtih Kim Bauer and Tony. (Sweet, Tony being alive will definitely make for a more interest '24' v. Lost Fight Club. I mean, even Charlie would have a shot against an unconscious Tony.... then again maybe not.)

* Hallowed Are The Ori

** Pointy-Haired Boss


Anonymous said...

OK, run that by me one more time. Jack can drive anywhere in the Greater Los Angeles area in ten minutes or less...yet it takes him and Traitor Robocop half an hour to walk down the freakin' hall to look up some records?! What, did they stop somewhere for a snack and a bathroom break? (I realize that by this point in the season Jack probably really has to go, but still...)

Also, please tell me where, exactly, it says in the Secret Service Motorcade Manual that if you come under automatic-weapons and rocket fire, with a clear road in front of you, you're supposed to just stop right smack dab in the middle of the ambush zone, curl up on the floorboards and make squealy noises.

...On the bright side, next week Kim finally shows up and Tony finally wakes up. So maybe things will start happening more quickly. Because, like Dave Barry, I'm really becoming bored with people passing gas all the time.

--LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

Dionne said...

Hey, was the body count actually 10 bodies? Did I actually win this week?

RFTR said...

Hey, maybe Asok the Intern can get a job working for Clinton?

Seriously, V, this is perhaps your best yet. I think the pressure of working without TiVo, while it would have been too much for Samwise to handle, actually benefitted your performance.

Anonymous said...

If Jack Bauer were in the motorcade, the Subarus would have been on their plane before the first commercial break.

Anonymous said...

ohh... Great recap V

CGrim said...

I suspect the betrayal referred to Logan leaving his wife to be flamebroiled Medium-Rare with Russian Dressing on the side.

CGrim said...

I suspect the betrayal referred to Logan leaving his wife to be flamebroiled Medium-Rare with Russian Dressing on the side.

lawhawk said...

Nice recap. Especially That 70s Show reference.

Except Red would have put a foot up the terrorists' collective ass. I guess hot lead will have to be an effective substitute.

That and turning the terrorist with the flamethrower into the human torch. Bonus points for style there.

craig said...

I thought your recap was complete garbage. You obviously don't give two shits about the show, so keep your crap reviews to yourself. A true doesn't watch the previes for next episode either.