Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, February 07, 2006

TiVo Blogging: 1:00 pm to 2:00 pm

The following took place between 1:00 pm and 2:00 pm

1:00 to 1:13:34

As the hour opens, Sid Blumenthal is spilling his guts, reiterating his role in the conspiracy theory to supply nerve gas to terrorists, defending himself as a patriot because it's all about the oil. (Obviously, the Move-On-dot-org writers are still scripting). Oh, and also, they arranged for Halliburton to build all the infrastructure, and they're going to get Diebolt to steal the election and arrange for a massive hurricane to strike an African-American city. Sid Blumenthal's contact was some jive turkey named Nathanson, but his phone has apparently been disconnected. Ain't that just like the man?

"What do we do now?" President Weasel whines.

"You're on your own, chicken-breath!" Jack tells him. "My hot and danger-prone daughter needs to know that I am alive. I'm outta here. Good luck with that whole posion gas thing."

"Come on, Jack, pretty please, I'll be your friend." President Weasel sobs like a little girl.

Jack Bauer relents. "All right, I'll help you find your stupid nerve gas."

Meanwhile, Badger is talking with someone who looks like a younger, non-acid washed version of Lance Henrikson. Lance thinks that they should save the gas for Russia. Badger cold-cocks him and says, "No way, I'm gonna kill some Americans. That will teach Bush for abandoning the Kyoto Treaty!"

Meanwhile, at CTU, Sam Gamgee gets a call from Cartman's Mom, who is apparently Sam's sister, needs $500 pronto, and apparently, has decided to play the role that Erin Driscoll's schizophrenic daughter played last season.

Chiggy Killer gives a briefing on the nerve gas canisters. The triggering mechanisms can only be set off by code signals from satellites. "Oh, so all we need to do is shutdown and or jam all satellites until the crisis is over," someone suggests. Chiggy Killer slaps him, "How does jamming satellites help Jack Bauer's body count?" Speaking of body counts, Sam Gamgee shows the potential death toll from the nerve gas. Hundreds of thousands or maybe millions. It would be like 9-11 times three hundred and ninety three.

Then, Badger gets a call from a guy who's a cross between Sean Connery and Hannibal Lecter. Hannibal Connery is a disgruntled former Microsoft tech support worker who learned how to reconfigure nerve gas canisters while he was supposed to be debugging Windows 95. Chloe illegally wiretaps their conversation and is immediately hauled off to prison by the ACLU. All right, I made that up. But they trace the call to a penthouse in Los Angeles. Jack Bauer decides he's going to hit that Penthouse with Token (Curtiss) at his side. Jack also asks S4GF to track down his hot, danger-prone daughter. Sweet Potato Face (SPF) knows the building has one of those high-tech security lockouts. SPF thinks they should get Studboy on the case, Truffle Shuffle and Chiggy Killer hate the idea. CTU protocol requires that when everyone hates an idea, it must be implemented immediately. They go to fetch Studboy.

Meanwhile, at a motorcyle shop, Badger shows up and sticks a gun into the face of Paul Teutul Jr from American Chopper, and tells him to sharpen his cutting tools.

1:17:53 to 1:27:56

That's right. A four-and-a-half-minute commercial block. President Weasel doesn't care about the next episode of House, and he's pissed because no one has updated him. Mary Todd Weasel is up and about, a little sore about the whole exile to the funny farm deal, but she's in a forgiving mood and she only bitch slaps Weasel once, and only mildly hard. (She speaks for all of us, I think.) She would have hit him again, but a pity stayed her hand. It's a pity Dick Cheney chose that moment to walk into the President's Office. They debate what to do with Sid Blumenthal, i.e. they begin to plan the cover-up. "No," Martha Weasel insists. "No Cover Up." "Aw, c'mon, we always do cover ups," says Cheney. "Just like we covered up how Bush knew about 9-11." But, Mrs Weasel insists on the truth. Weasel sends an aide to find out what that word, truth, means.

Meanwhile, back at CTU, Sweet Potato Face begins ordering Studboy around. She's rough, and he likes it. He begins "hacking" into the apartment building. By hacking, he means buzzing each apartment individually, and trying to get them to ring him. Apartment 1-A. "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!" "UPS, Delivery." No response. Apartment 1-B. "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!" "Fedex Delivery." No response. Apartment 1-C. "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!" "Stripper-gram."

Meanwhile, Jack discreetly lands on the roof in an inconspicuous blue helicopter with a great big CTU logo on the side. Jack checks in with Sweet Potato Face at CTU, who tells him Studboy got lucky because Apartment C-4 ordered Domino's for lunch, but they have only a minute to get in or the pizza is on them. So, after all that trouble, Jack and Token just go in and point guns at the rent-a-cops and order them around.They get into the elevator just as the cameras come on-line. The guard control radios the rent-a-cop to find out what's up. Jack Bauer tells him to say he's in the men's room. The rent-a-cop answers, "I'm in the men's room... in a FLANK TWO position!" Jack cold cocks him.

Elevator doors open, a shootout ensues, Jack handcuffs Hannibal Connery and pins him into the ground. CTU detects a presence in the bedroom and they go in weapons hot, to where someone is hiding behind the bed. It's Hannibal Connery's sex slave. She just wants to go home. Hannibal Connery has been molesting her, abusing her, and feeding her a steady diet of fava beans and nice chianti.

1:32:22 to 1:38:56

Badger is making Paul Teutul Jr cut into the nerve gas canisters, and giving precise instructions in millimeters to a guy who skipped math in high school so he could build bongs in Metal Shop. Badger inquires about his family, then tells American Chopper dude that his own wife is in prison, and he has a son he hasn't seen in so long, he probably wouldn't recognize him. "Oh, why didn't you just say you were from Kentucky," American Chopper Dude says.

At Hannibal Connery's penthouse suite, they tape him up and Jack Bauer begins interrogating him. HC asks to speak to his lawyer, or Senator Pat Leahy. Either is good. Jack Bauer is unimpressed. "Go to Hell," Hannibal Connery spits at him. Jack Bauer causes him some enormous pain and then delivers his trademark, "By the time I'm finished with you, you're gonna wish you felt this good again."

Hannibal Connery demands full immunity, unfreezing of his assets, transport to a third country, the company of his Jailbait Sex Slave, and the letter M stricken from the alphabet. "No deal," Jack says. Sam Gamgee says, "Unh-unh, Mr. Frodo. You have to give him the deal." Jack reluctantly agrees.

1:43:02 to 1:48:18

Now, Jack wants to know where Badger is. Hannibal Connery reveals that he was put in touch with Badger by "Some Puerto Rican guy." He'll give up the Precious Computer Chip as soon as he gets his immunity deal. Jack Bauer then finds out Jailbait is only 15 and decides he doesn't want to send her away with Hannibal Connery.

Meanwhile, at CTU, the bitter and awkward Sweet Potato Face-Studboy-Truffle Shuffle triangle plays out, with Studboy being escorted out of CTU by a couple of red shirts. Truffle Shuffle tries to move in on Sweet Potato Face while she's vulnerable, but she shoots him down like Air Force 1 in season 4.

And then at the Presidential Retreat, Mary Todd Weasel helps hammer out the details of the full confession. Dick Cheney calls President Weasel to the West hallway. Turns out, Sid Blumenthal is really hung. (Don't get excited, Andrew Sullivan. It's the other kind of hung.)

Meanwhile, Badger's American Chopper guy succeeds in cutting into the nerve gas canisters.

1:52:42 to 1:59:59

Sam Gamgee walks outside to meet Cartman's Mom. She wants the money, instead, he gives her the name of a doctor. But she doesn't want a guest spot on House, she wants the money. Her crackhead boyfriend, played by John McCain in his much-publicized cameo role, kicks the crap out of him. They steal his wallet and roar off on his motorcycle.

S4GF still hasn't tracked down Jack's hot, danger-prone daughter. So, Jack sits down and has a talk with Jailbait instead, basically telling her that she has to go with Hannibal Connery, but, wink-wink, he and some agents will follow her and make sure nothing will happen to her. She'll be perfectly safe.

Just like Behrooz.

Meanwhile, Badger, having gotten what he wanted, sliced canister-wise, does exactly whet we knew he would do and kills Paul Teutul Jr. Paul Teutul Sr comes out and calls his son a dumbass for getting shot. Badger then calls Hannibal Connery and tells him they've got the identification key. Hannibal Connery and Badger agree to meet up and pass on the Precious Computer Chip. Suddenly Jailbait pulls a gun and takes out Hannibal Connery. He's dead, and Badger is going to call back any minute.

So, who's good at impressions?

Next Weeks Episode: Weekend at Lecter's

(P.S. Scenes from next week include lots of references to 'releasing gas.' I am totally looking forward to that target rich environment.)


Anonymous said...

I still think Samwise's sister is the Honey Bunny from Pulp Fiction.

But if you want to go in the direction of a CTU director's messed up relative, we can call her (S5MD) - Season 5 Maya )Driscoll

George Berryman said...

Honey Bunny from Pulp Fiction was played by Amanda Plummer, daughter of Christopher Plummer. That was not her playing Samwise's sister.

I was longing to see Kim but you just know she will be in the mall when Jack and the terrorists get there with the nerve gas.

Dionne said...

I hated that Kiefer played the bad guy in phone booth.

V the K: You are awesome!! Your run-downs of the episodes are great! Keep up the good work.

I loved that you compared the motorcycle guy to Paul from American Chopper. And Martha did speak for all of us when she slapped the weasel. I also liked the nickname Hannibal Connery.

Alphie said...

I think the highlight of this episode was when Studboy was taken away by two redshirts. The only way that they could have made that more demeaning, perhaps, is by having a single girl scout take him away.

Wait, I take that back... The red shirt escort is far more humiliating.

The WordSmith from Nantucket said...

I blogged the line about "I don't mind that they've dressed his wound; but don't give him anything for the pain.", as President Bush is rumored to have said something similar.

Deathlok said...

Hannibal Cannery? Nice! My wife and I still refer to him as Lodes (from HBOs Carnivale). I don't think it's been mentioned. Has anyone noticed that the head bad guy is Benny Hill?
I'm waiting for the episode where he captures Jack and then slaps him repeatedly in the head.

I also noted (what I consider) a mistake earlier. They sneak an assassin into CTU to kill Jack. This guy kills the doctor without a thought. Now Jack is waiting for Tony to wake up because he may have some information.

Q: Why wouldn't the assassin kill the comatose guy that his boss tried to kill already.


RFTR said...

Sorry, DeathLok, you're wrong.

The only reason they tried to kill Tony, Michelle and Chloe was because they were trying to frame Jack. Once Jack was off the hook, there was no reason to ice Tony any longer, and Jack became the primary target.

Plus, if you notice, Tony is hooked up to all kinds of heart monitors and stuff. If he killed Tony, those things would go nuts, thereby giving away his location.