Carnival of Bauer

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Monday, February 20, 2006

TiVoBlogging: The following takes place between 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm

3:00:00 to 3:13:16

So, when we left off, Badger was driving away in an old pick-up truck with a hound dog and a whole bunch of nerve canisters. Badger calls into his contact. "Tex-Mex gas is genuine," said Badger. "At least, it works on mallrats."

Badger checks in with his boss, a new terrorist with a bad dye-job last seen as a Prior on Stargate SG-1. "You wasted my gas! My beautiful, beautiful gas" says Comrade HallowedAreTheOri, and he knifes badger in the gut, and whispers to him tenderly as he dies. Comrade HallowedAreTheOri has him a hankerin' to kill 'em him some Russians. Then, in the next scene, he shoots a Melvin for not knowing where Nathanson went. Nathanson (Hereinafter, Evil Shatner, because he looks like a less puffy version of TJ Hooker) is in his SUV trying to make his escape, but every time he calls one of his terror-buddies, they are immediately killed by one of Comrade HallowedAreTheOri.

Meanwhile, Sam Gamgee calls his sister. Cartman's Mom, and asks "Pretty please, may I have my key card back. Do you know how much trouble I can get in." Cartman's Mom says, "All right, poofykins," and wants to give it back, but her boyfriend, John McCain has other plans. And as soon as he comes off his high, he'll figure out what those plans are. Then, President Weasel calls Sam gamgee, "Have you got gas?" he demands. "No, sir, Taco Bell was closed." Weasel bitches out Sam Gamgee for not getting the gas, and then Sam Gamgee runs down to the conference room in time to hear Chiggy Killer explain that the Tex-Mex gas is still loose, and it will be a major bummer if it is ever released. Sam Gamgee is pissed because Jack didn't gas the mall rats like the president wanted. Audrey defends Jack Bauer for not killing the mallrats. Sam Gamgee doesn't get why Audrey is standing up for such impudence. "Why does she keep defending Bauer. What, was she like his girlfriend last season or something? I want Jack Bauer taken into custody. This is about the episode where that happens isn't it?"

Cola gets the order on his cell phone to take Jack in and breaks the news to Jack. "Sam Gamgee's on the warpath. He wants you heap brought back to his teepee. You give me firestick and wampum. We smoke um piece pipe." Jack knows the routine, and allows himself to be taken into custody until he feels like busting out again.

Then at CTU, S4GF gets call from Evil Shatner. Evil Shatner demands to put through to Jack Bauer. Evil Shatner was the one who sold the TexMex to the terrorists after they named their own price and shopped online. S4GF is reluctant at first, but when he launches into a pitch for Priceline, she quickly transfers him. Jack agrees to provide Evil Shatner with protection in return for help nailing the terrorists. "But why should I help you. You betrayed the country to terrorists," Jack shouts at him. "I'm a patriot," Evil Shatner insists. "All right, an Evil Patriot, but I can still help you get to the Tex-Mex gas." Jack decides to steal the SUV (hence the term: CarJacking. Cola resists him. "Is Jack Bauer going to have to choke a bitch?" Jack asks. Answer: Yes. Jack chokes, then tosses Cola from the SUV, thus demonstrating that the old feminist saying is wrong, and you can leave 'em on the curb when you're done with them.

3:18:24 to 3:24:15

Sam Gamgee's phone rings. It's Token. "Jack Bauer had to choke a bitch. And he shut down the vehicle's transponder so we can't track him." "Imbecilic Fool!" Sam Gamgee rages at him. "Take yourself into custody and bring yourself back to CTU for torture!" Sam Gamgee then runs down to the control room and asks S4GF if she's heard from Jack. "Jack Bauer who?" she answers coyly. Sam Gamgee orders Chloe to triangulate Jack Bauer's cell phone, but she can't. "It's like he is wearing the One Ring and made himself invisible." Sam Gamgee walks off grumbling... losing Jack Bauer will totally blow his chance of ever playing for Notre Dame. Somehow, he knows Jack Bauer has been in touch with S4GF and tries to access S4GF's phone logs, but S4GF convinces Chloe to erase them before Sam Gamgee can find out about the phone call from Evil Shatner.

Meanwhile, back at the Presidential repeat, Dick Cheney brings in Sid Blumenthal's cell phone to President Weasel. The caller claims to have the Tex-Mex gas, and he will only speak to the president. Weasel wipes the chicken blood from his chin and prepares to take the call. It turns out to be Comrade HallowedAreTheOri. "I got me a hankerin' to kill me a whole lotta Russians. But, since I can't do that, I'll settle for gassing the Russian President Subaru. And if you won't help me, I'll release the nerve gas in more densely populated areas than a shopping mall. You have fifteen minutes to give me President Subaru's route."

"Don't do it," Dick Cheney advises him. But President Weasel tells Dick Cheney to get on MapQuest and print out the Subaru's travel route anyway, explaining, "I mean... you know, I totally am not going to betray them, but, you know, just in case I change my mind, it might be handy to have this around." Dick Cheney goes to get the travel plans, knowing that Weasel has already decided to sell out the Russian president.

3:28:24 to 3:38:16

"Somebody's screwing with me, Chiggy," Sam Gamgee whines to Chiggy Killer. "S4GF erased her phone log. What's up with that?" Chiggy tells him to calm down, but Sam Gamgee is ranting like David Gregory. "I think she knew Jack Bauer was still alive the whole time. I think CTU has become way too sloppy. Why, when I was outside getting rolled and having my key card stolen by my crackwhore sister and her boyfriend, I happened to notice that ... um, never mind, but from now on, everyone at CTU is on double secret probation. You got that!"

Meanwhile, Jack Bauer arrives at his rendezvous with Evil Shatner. Jack sees a black helicopter land on the roof. "Um, were you expecting some terrorists?" Jack asks Evil Shatner on his cell phone. "Um, no," Evil Shatner answers. "Well, they're coming. I hope you have a weapon." Evil Shatner begins taking Evil Practice Swings with his Evil Emmy from Evil Boston Legal. Soon, Jack is running through Jennifer Beals's apartment from Flashdance and exchanging gunfire with a lot of heavies armed with G-36 assault rifles. The heavies are also shooting at Evil Shatner, shouting "Name your own price... of death!" Evil Shatner makes it to the roof, but takes a shot to the gut. Then, just as some big hunky bear of a man who would make Andrew Sullivan's shorts go pup tent with delight is about to shoot Evil Shatner, Jack Bauer makes it to the roof and notches up his death count. But just then, they are both attacked on the roof by gunmen in a black helicopter. Jack shoots the helicopter and manages to wound it, forcing a stage hand to set off a black smoke bomb in the stunt copter. But it is too late for Evil Shatner, who has been shot several times. "How are you enjoying my protection so far," Jack asks. Shatner dies, but not before giving Jack a chip... or, as the English would say, a crisp.

Jack tries to call in to S4GF with the data Evil Shatner provided him, but because Sam Gamgee is looking over her shoulder, she has to fake him out. "I'm wearing lace panties, and a garter... but we'll need to finish this call later, Senator Clinton." She transfers him to Chloe, and Jack is able to upload the data to her machine.

3:42:34 to 3:48:38

At the presidential retreat, Dick Cheney provides the Subaru's travel route to President Weasel. President Weasel (surprise surprise) has decided to sell out President Subaru after all. Dick Cheney whacks him in the nose with a bird rifle. "No! No! Bad President! Bad!" Then, Mary Todd Weasel overhears them talking. "What's up, guys? More conspiracy theories? What, am I married to Art Bell, now?" They fill her in. She is not happy. She is upset and emoting and spewing common sense all over the place. "Stand up to the terrorists, ye great chicken-eating-surrender-weasel," she rails at her husband.

In CTU, Chloe calls Chiggy Killer. "I can't decode this data Jack sent me. I need DOD codes." Chiggy tells her. "You mean you can't decode these data, data is plural." "Whatever, just distract Sam Gamgee long enough for me to get the codes from S4GF." Chiggy calls Sam Gamgee over, "Did I ever tell you about the time I shot down the alien ace, Chiggy von Richthofen..." While he is distracted, S4GF shoots the decryption codes over to Chloe. But Sam Gamgee catches what she is doing. "What's that window on your computer? Are you playing Free Cell? Answer me!" He then announces that he will be monitoring everyone's screen from his office. Immediately, his hair forms itself into pointed horn-like shapes on either side of his head.

3:52:52 to 3:59:59

Chloe calls Jack Bauer from CTU. with the data she's gotten from the stuff Jack Bauer sent her. "It's from the Terradyne Corp, it's a division of Omicron Corp, a wholly-owned subsidiary of ConGlobalCentriGenCorp."

This rings a bell with. "Omicron? Hey, isn't that where my old buddy Biff Henderson used to work?" He tells Chloe to look up their executives. Chloe agrees, "Oh, by the way, Chiggy Killer's in jail. Bye"

Meanwhile, back at presidential retreat, Weasel tries to explain his decision to Mary Todd. "Come on, what's one less Russian? FDR sold them out by the millions." They proceed to the photo op. President Weasel makes friendly chat with Russian President Subaru and Mrs. Subaru. "Hey, did you guys know death by nerve gas is relatively quick and painless?"

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney is taking a call on his cell phone. He tells the terrorist exactly the route the Subarus will be taking. Comrade HallowedAreTheOri gives the orders to his terror team. "Tell my people, this is where I want them to strike," he says drawing a big circle with an X on the MapQuest printout. Apparently, no matter how many terrorists Jack kills, they've still got more. What's up with that? Did the terrorists plan on needing about 6,000 heavily armed assault teams to move the Tex-Mex gas out of the country?

After the photo op, President Weasel gets a call from Sam Gamgee. Mary Todd Weasel is still upset about sending the Russians to their death. She decides to ride in the death car with them. Red Foreman decides to join her as well. "I better ride with you. Their chauffeur is kind of a dumbass."

Next week: Jack gets tasered. Sam Gamgee melts down like last season's nuke plants. And Mary Todd gets gas.


ChuckSuede said...

I bow to you all. This is my favorite site ever.

Lemuel Calhoon said...

Skijumpnose is the head Prior of the Ori on Stargate: SG-1. I suggest PriorPrime as a nickname for him.

Anonymous said...

Great roundup of the show. Mine is up if you care to see.

Anonymous said...

V - We may need to update the glossary as the season progresses. Great recap!

Alphie said...

Red Foreman? Great nick for him. Now if only we could get him to call President Weasel a dumbass : )

BTW, I actually have half an ounce of respect for Potato Face after last night's episode. Between that and Jack giving Curtis the Vulcan grip... what's the world coming to?

FWIW, Curtis didn't seem to put up much of a struggle. Maybe he was just happy that he was being held by someone.

Anonymous said...

Along with Skijumpnose, Nathanson/"Evil Shatner" was played by another refugee from syndicated TV: Geraint Wyn Davies. Davies is best known for his role as the vampire cop Nick Knight in Forever Knight, which aired during the mid-to-late 1990s.

I figure it wasn't actually the bullets that killed him in last night's episode; it was the sunlight...

...Wow, vampires, warlocks and hobbits. And next week we get Robocop, too. Is this "24" or a fantasy fanboy convention?

--LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

Dionne said...

Am42 said: "Red Foreman? Great nick for him. Now if only we could get him to call President Weasel a dumbass : )" I say Amen to that, big time!!

V the K, as usual this is awesome and made me laugh like crazy. Great job!!

Anonymous said...

I'm begging CTU to change their situational protocols. Please never set up a "perimeter". In five years it has never worked.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised that there were no 'Regulators, let's ride!' moments from this after-action report. It seems too juicy to let the Lou Diamond Phillips-Keifer Sutherland reunion slip by unmentioned.

Now all you need is a couple of Sheen brothers as filler roles and you're all set! Maybe throw them in as Boxing Helena's sidekicks or something.

Anonymous said...

:) LOL!