ScamBaiting Jack Bauer Style

Scambaiting Jack Bauer Style
In his recent TiVoblogging, V the K accuses the First Lady's assistant of killing President Palmer to expatriate a large sum of money from Nigeria. Well, V was on to something even if he didn't know it—he just had the wrong culprit.

A few weeks back, we at Blogs4Bauer received a request from Mr. Luis Rakotozafy of Madagascar. It seems his father was killed while en route to visit the family of the President of Togo, who died in February 2005, "on a good Saturday." He and his family then fled Madagascar to South Africa, and from there to Europe, leaving behind a small fortune of $8.5 million dollars. He has offered to share 20% of said funds with us, if we can help him get that money out of Africa.

Mr. Rakotozafy didn't know what he was getting into when he got Jack Bauer on the case.

To read the initial exchange between Mr. Rakotozafy and Jack Bauer, click on the image at the left.

Needless to say, Jack was a little suspicious at first. After all, who gave Mr. Rakotozafy his email address? Was Dr. Rakotozafy (Mr. Rakotozafy's father) killed by terrorists? Also needless to say, Jack was quick to guarantee his assistance. After all, as he said,

If I can handle two attempted assasinations, a viral threat, a nuclear threat, and the threat of a nerve gas attack on the United States, then I can certainly keep your money safe while it is recovered.

Shortly thereafter, Jack received a response from Mr. Rakotozafy. It seems that in order to complete the transaction, he would need a copy of a driver's license and a fax number. Oh, and apparently Dr. Rakotozafy was not killed by terrorists, but his own driver.

Jack was naturally still suspicious. How does Mr. Rakotozafy know that his father's driver wasn't mixed up with terrorism? But he was quick to provide the necessary identification and contact items. His driver's license is at the right (special thanks to The Man for whipping that one up), and he just happens to have a fax account with eFax. He does not hand out his phone number to just anyone, though, so he refused to turn that over. You can read this second exchange by clicking on the image at the left.

We don't know that Mr. Rakotozafy will respond again, but if he does, we'll keep you posted. In the meantime, we welcome your suggestions for other things that Jack Bauer might say in this circumstance, and of course suggestions as to how we can get this guy to exert the most possible effort (and maybe even spend a little cash) to get Jack's help.

As Jack keeps reminding Mr. Rakotozafy, the clock is ticking...

UPDATE: Jack Needs Your Help!!
Mr. Rakotozafy is insisting that Jack give him a phone number. Jack needs you to help him think of a good reason why he can't give out a phone number that sounds just plausible enough to string this guy along. Any ideas?

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between 10:00 pm and 11:00 pm

10:00:00 to 10:11:59

Beep Beep Beep Beep BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep

Special Guest Narrator: Ted Knight

When last we left the hall of Justice, Jack Bauer, a.k.a., The Flash, was outrunning a massive natural gas and Tex-Mex explosion, like the farts of 100,000 Taco Bell customers all ignited at once. It was enough to incinerate all 17 canisters of Tex-Mex, but could Jack possibly survive such a massive explosion.

Duh.

As the rest of the John Goodman Gas Distribution plant is consumed in flames, we see Jack crawling from the wreckage with HATO on his shoulders. "Why, God why?" Jack laments. "Why do the beautiful die so young?" Then, he hucks HATO into the back of a black SUV and calls ahead to CTU to have the Andrew Sullivan Suite available for immediate occupancy and interrogation.

Meanwhile, VP Captain Murphy calls Frau Blucher and orders her to continue taking over the Hall of Justice, I mean, CTU. Frau Blucher is reluctant to continue, thinking that forcing everyone into re-orientation meetings during a terrorist emergency might be counter-productive, but Murphy is insistent. But HLS Dick, in an attempt to lodge his nose even tighter between Frau Blucher's butt-cheeks, (Thanks for the imagery, V) is totally into screwing up CTU and thinks the key is S4GF, since she is neither CTU nor HLS, making her an important swing-voter. Chiggy is also talking to S4GF, and he suspects that the takeover of CTU by HLS is all part of a dark scheme by Bush and the Republicans to suppress the African-American vote, or something. Whoops, sorry, that was a commercial from Move-On-dot-org.

Meanwhile, Red Foreman opens the trunk of his car, where Shaft Palmer is hiding out. Shaft reveals that his contact inside the presidential compound is Mary Todd's Assistant-Babe (MTAB). He has to get through to her because she knows who is really behind the terrorist events of the day. At that very moment, MTAB and Mary Todd are reading over the letters the First Lady is sending out to the victims of the gas attack in the mall. "Sorry to hear about your recent loss, yadda yadda... Here is a coupon for a free small Orange Julius with the purchase of any large Orange Julius and another for a free piercing at Ear World. If you did not lose a loved on in the Sunrise Mall tragedy, please disregard this message and send back the coupons."

MTAB tries to make her escape, Shaft Palmer intercepts her, and with Red Foreman. "You know who's really behind this," Shaft accuses her. "I've seen the emails you sent to my brother. Who is the Nigerian Prince? Did you kill my brother so you could help him expatriate his $32.8 million fortune?" Red hits him upside the head. "Never mind that, dumbass." MTAB refuses to give them the evidence. "They're gonna kill my daughter," she says. They've kidnapped her daughter and are forcing her to model for Calvin Klein underwear ads. "Big deal you're young. You can have another one," says Red Foreman. "No," says MTAB. "I will only help you if you rescue my daughter in a dramatic gunfight that will take place in the final five minutes of the hour."


10:16:22 to 10:24:48

Anita Hill is pulling up Biff Henderson’s work record for the previous ten years. "Wow! Look at all the women he must have harassed," says she. Meanwhile, a squad of HLS suits moves in. They take turn kicking aside Edgar's body and claiming the workstations of deceased CTU personnel. "Oh, look at the cute baby pictures," one says as she claims a desk, then drops the photos in the waste basket. Frau Blucher stands on the balcony and addresses the CTU personnel. "HLS in the hizzy!" she says. "Boo-yah!"

From the Prez Retreat, Shaft calls Jack, which raises the question, can you mix Bacardi and Kahlua. Anyway, Shaft's like all, "Hey, jack, y'busy Dawg?" "Just hauling a charred Russki to the Crib. What up?" "Got time to, swing by and rescue a white chick's kid, brother-man?" Shaft asks him. "Solid," Jack says.

Back at Hall of Justice CTU, HLS Dick is trying to get S4GF to sign a standard form CYA placing the blame on CTU for all terrorism everywhere. "I'm not falling for that," S4GF says. "I saw what happened to Michael Brown and FEMA." She's not going to screw over Chiggy and the rest of CTU just to ... Okay, I'm vague on what exactly the purpose of her signing the paper is, but it's a key plot point.

As she walks out, she gets a call from Jack. He tells her about the deal with MTAB's kid and says he'll need Chloe's help to retask a satellite to do something physically impossible. "I can't help you, Jack," S4GF says. "CTU has been taken over by the Department of Homeland Security. We can't retask satellites without paperwork from the Deputy Under-Secretary of Satellite Re-Tasking, and he hasn't been confirmed by the Senate yet." Jack is shocked that HLS is taking over CTU. "That doesn't make any sense." Obviously, someone is engineering a take-over of CTU as part of some darker, more sinister scheme. Soon, Jack is connecting the dots like an autistic kid with a magic marker and a Dalmatian, and he knows Biff Henderson is probably behind it, along with VP Captain Murphy, because all the red herrings are pointing in his direction.

Jack tells S4GF to do whatever it takes to get Chloe back on the job. S4GF goes back into the lab where Frau Blucher and HLS Dick are. "Now that I've thought it over," she says, "screwing over CTU and everybody in it sounds like fun, but I need a suspiciously obvious favor in return." She wants Chloe assigned to her, to help with "you know, server codes and stuff." "Anybody can do that," sneers HLS Dick, now visible only as part of a shoe sticking out from Frau Blucher's behind. "I get Chloe or no deal." They agree to let her have Chloe. "By the way, ma'am," HLS Dick says to Frau Blucher. "I don't like the looks of this prostate at all."

10:29:12 to 10:37:18

The MTAB moves through the parking lot. Red Foreman and Shaft are walking through the corridors of the presidential retreat where they run into VP Captain Murphy. It is a tense moment, then Murphy asks for change so he can buy a Be-Bop Cola from the presidential vending machine.

Just as Chiggy is reassuring Chloe that if they just hang tough, everything will be all right, HLS Dick informs Chloe that she can remain. He smugly informs everyone that S4GF signed the CYA memo, then bends over to smell his own fart. Chiggy feels hurt and betrayed that S4GF would do that to her. "I feel hurt and betrayed," he says.

Then, Shaft and MTAB are in the car, and MTAB still refuses to provide any useful information. "Not without my daughter," she insists. Shaft tries to guilt-trip her by reminding her that his brother was shot in the neck and died in her arms. "Bummer," MTAB agrees. In the midst of their conversation, she gets a call from Biff Henderson. Shaft patches in Jack Bauer so he can listen in. "Did you bring the materials we discussed," he asks darkly. "Yes, let me talk to my daughter," says MTAB. He puts the daughter on the phone, "Mommy, they threatened to feed me to a cougar." "Don't worry, honey, mommy's coming," MTAB assures her. "Solid," says Helpless Little Girl.

Back at the Hall of Justice CTU , Jack calls S4GF just as she and Chiggy are sharing a long meaningful glance, that tells her how hurt and betrayed he feels. Then, Jack snaps her back to reality. "Has Chloe re-tasked the satellites yet?" "Oh, yeah, my bad," S4GF says. She goes and get Chloe, who is all like, "Why should I help HLS. They're jerks." "Chloe, it's Jack. Jack needs your help." Chloe pouts on her pout and follows S4GF down the hallway to her workstation.


10:41:42 to 10:47:42

Shaft senses a presence in the warehouse where they he and MTAB have entered. They are about to shoot something, when Jack emerges from the shadows. "Tell me what you know," Jack tells her, fondling his gun with an itchy finger. "I already told Shaft, I won't tell you anything until I have my daughter." That's not what Jack wanted to hear. "Aw, jeez, every time somebody says that, they end up dying before they can tell us anything." But, he decides not to shoot her in the thigh. Jack calls Chloe and she has got the satellite scanning the warehouse in infrared and she's patching the data to his PDA. (Yeah, right).

Jack sees that there are a whole lotta toughs in the warehouse. Shaft informs Jack that he wants to shoot somebody. "Come on Jack, I used to be a Marine." Jack is unimpressed. "Big Whoop. So was Jack Murtha." "Come on, Jack, I can do this." "There's a difference between training to kill a man and actually doing it," Jack tells him. "Doing it's much more fun."

Pres. Weasel is on the phone looking smug, pretending to talk to the "prime minister." "Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. Yes, I did handle that situation brilliantly... oh, now, you're embarrassing me... oh, stop, stop... Help you out with the ladies? Why, I suppose I could do that... excuse me, Eva Longoria is on line 2." and then VP Captain Murphy walks in. "Mr. President, did you know that Shaft Palmer was on the premises?" "Shaft Palmer, what was he doing here?" Weasel asks. "Nothing," VP Captain Murphy said. "I'm just acting suspiciously to set up the improbable plot twist in the last act." "Solid," Weasel tells him.

Jack pulls up at the place, Jack warns her, "Do exactly what we planned, or you will get dead on this ride."

10:52:05

Biff Henderson is in his lair, surrounded by heavies as Bacardi and Kahlua make their way through the tunnel. They come to the hostile Chloe warned them about at the end and Jack dispatches him with two quick shots through the thorax.

Bacardi checks his PDA. "There's too many of them. I guess you’ll have to kill some, too." Then, acardi shoots another expendable heavies.

Kahlua moves through the building, comes to his target, but when it some time to pull the trigger, he hesitates, as though to create tension and suspense. Will he pull the trigger? Will he wet his pants and cry like Adam Morrison? Then, he looks at the heavy again and thinks of Adam Sandler, and shooting comes easily. Jack jumps a heavy named "Bravo," for his love of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and takes his radio. The heavy doesn't appear to be dead, but we can always hope. He fiddles with the battery, and this somehow enables him to alter his voice with arousing the suspicions of Biff Henderson when he tells him. "One female, in the car, alone." (Bravo previously worked at the Governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas.)

Jack spots MTAB through the scope of her sniper rifle. Biff Henderson calls MTAB. "Open all doors and the front of the car." Apparently, he is planning on detailing her car after he returns her daughter. How nice. Biff and some heavies move out, MTAB grabs her daughter and ducks, and Jack shoots some of the heavies. Soon, lead is flying through the air like catty putdowns at an Oscar Party. Biff Henderson steals MTAB's car and drives off with Jack firing ineffectually behind him. Jack asks Chloe to track Biff Henderson with the satellites, and, for once, Chloe can't do it!

MTAB is wounded, but it's a clean, in and out bullet would, the kind you want to have. She finally tells him the VP has nothing to do with the plot. It was ... some Puerto Rican guy.

No, it was President Weasel.

OK, I think hour 11:00 - 12:00 might be put to good use making *that* plot twist believable.

THE NOSE IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE

No...not Needlenose Audrey's proboscis. It's what's as plain as. As in an explanation that covers the transformation of President Jellyfish from wimp to power-mad tyrant.

It is fairly obvious most of our readers do not follow soap operas closely. If you did, you would recognize the signs of split personality immediately. In truth, Logan's wimpy side is completely unaware of what his Ghengis Khan side is up to. This plot device in soaps is usually reserved for the mistress of the main character who plays the shy, retiring type by day but by night, turns into a combination of Sharon Stone and Mata Hari. Needless to say, the left breast doesn't know what the right breast has been up to which makes for some hilarious confusion.

Speaking of confusion, here's a somewhat incoherent albeit shorter than usual update from yours truly. A sample:

Then, through the swirling smoke and back-lit gas works, a figure emerges carrying someone. It's Jack and he has Bierko slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Dropping the terrorist on the ground at Curtis's feet like a trophy buck from a deer hunt, Jack screams into Bierko's face trying to wake him. The terrorist is either too injured or too terrified to answer so Jack orders him transferred to CTU medical so that he can be patched up for his little session to come with Richard and his little black bag of truth serum.

In the meantime, Jack is doing some thinking. He figures Henderson, the poor misguided patriot that he is, would never kill 200,000 of his fellow citizens. Hence, since his ex-friend was protecting someone big and important (so big he allowed his wife to get shot in the thigh by Jack in fear of revealing the name) Jack reasons that the plot extends into the highest reaches of the United States government. In his conversation with Bill about this turn of events, Jack lets on that he's scared.

If Jack is scared, it's time to pack up the wife and kids and move to Montana to join a survivalist cult.

Logan Earns Spots on Kill Counter

President Logan Earns Two Spots on B4B Kill Counter
Odds are you probably already despised President Weasel prior to the last episode. But the writers of 24 are going a little overboard in making Logan the most corrupt and inept president since MacKenzie Allen.

Jack Bauer is scared, Curtis has been replaced by Wayne Palmer (call them Bacardi and Diet Coke), and Evelyn's daughter is the new mole. 24 is just heating up.

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter has been updated and sits at 141 after 7 people were iced during the hours of 10pm and 11pm. It looks like President Weasel turns on Jack Bauer (again) next week. Just to be safe, I have reserved two slots on the Jack Bauer Kill Counter for President Logan. The way I see it, Jack Bauer is going to kill him, bring him back to life, and then kill him again - just for fun.

24 Live Blog 10:00-11:00 P.M.

24 Live Blog 10:00-11:00 P.M.

Good evening. I'm Tyler and I need to mention the submissions you are going to send in for The Carnival of Bauer this Thursday.

7:55 (Real Time) - Prision Break is a good show. Especially as a filler before 24.

7:58 (Real Time) - Almost starting.

10:00 (Jack Bauer Time) - YAY! Bet you a dollar Jack is still alive. It is just a hunch.

10:02 - What did I tell 'ya. Jack has a few scratches and the other guy is almost dead.

10:04 - Jack scared? WTF? This must be HUGE!! God like even.

10:16 - Hey now, Jim Hill is... That Edwards guy who does backflips. (Isn't he? I dunno?)

10:18 - Audrey, just sign the paper. No one likes you.

10:22 - I didn't think RoboCop could murder children.

10:26 - Sheesh, this episode is hard to live blog. It isn't giving me anything to talk about.

10:30 - Yep. Audrey is a moron weasel.

10:38 - Wrong? Your meeting hostile people in a barn? What could be wrong?

10:45 - Wow, there is a lot of nothing in this episode.

10:48 - ONE Death FINALLY.

10:50 - Two.

10:52 - OoOoOo... Knife. And the new Toyota Rav4.

10:53 - 268 People plowing horsepower. And three or four kills.

10:56 - THE PRESIDENT!!! I knew he was worthless.

9:02 (Real Time) Man, that episode was painful.

7 Deaths and it is offical.

I am the cancer of 24. Every episode is 55 minutes of prep and 5 minutes of action.

Tonight's Final Four Match up

Tonight's Final Four Match up
Florida -v- UCLA - 9:21pm
Jack Bauer -v- Terrorists - 9:00pm

The following press conference took place between the hours of 1pm and 2pm:
UCLA Coach - Ben Howland
Florida Coach - Billy Donovan
CTU Agent - Jack Bauer

Reporter: Coach Howland, injuries have taken a toll on your team. Tell us about the difficulties of leading a team with so many hurt players.

Howland: One example is Josh Shipp, he had hip surgery. We were trying to get him to come back. He actually made an attempt and played in four games. There was just too much pain, discomfort, swelling, to continue on the season.

Reporter: Mr. Bauer, CTU has had a tough season and we hear that your only African-American at CTU was knocked out earlier this season. Please Explain.

Jack Bauer: Yes, I knocked out Curtis with a sleeper hold. He was trying to detain me and I had to escape, but that was like six hours ago. He's ok now. As for the other injuries, we had 56 people die a few hours ago, including Edgar Stiles. He was our big boy in the paint and will be missed. We have someone new, but those are some big shoes to fill.

Reporter: Louder
Jack Bauer: BIG BOY!

Reporter: Coach Donovan this question is for you. Tell us about going up against George Mason and what beating them meant to you and your team.

Donovan: "What they've been able to do this year is great for basketball; most teams don't get a chance to experience what they've been able to experience. In this tournament, they were able to inspire a lot of people. There was no resentment on our team for feeling like they got all the attention or we got slighted."

Reporter: Mr. Bauer, you also faced George Mason. What did you take from that meeting?

Jack Bauer: After George Mason developed radiation poisoning, I was sure that he would not be able to contribute to CTU anymore. However, when I was chosen by President Palmer to pilot a plane loaded with a nuke out to the Mojave Desert in order to save Los Angeles, George Mason boarded the plane and took the controls from me, allowing me to parachute to safety while he was killed in the nuclear blast. Sure, I was a little upset that Mason got all the credit, but we are part of a team and there's no "I" in Jack Bauer.

Reporter: What defensive strategy are you planning to run tonight?

Donovan: A 4-3 zone defense with some man-to-man.

Howland: We like the zone.

Bauer: The Flank 2 has worked for us this season.

Make sure to watch 24 tonight on Fox, but also check in here for live-blogging and an exclusive post-show TIVO recap.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge

The stench of politics is hanging in the air like the smell still emanating from Edgar's workstation. What better time to promote Jack Bauer's upcoming 2008 campaign?

Yes, he may be dead and/or from Canada. But who's going to tell Jack Bauer those facts disqualify him from running? With the proposed immigration reforms, dead illegal aliens will soon be able to run for president. Even Canadians.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge
1) Submit a campaign slogan for the Bauer 2008 campaign.
2) Guess tonight's Body Count

Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter, click here to vote in the 24: Final Four.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess - 4)
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob - 5
Episode 8 - 14 Bodies
Deathlok - 13
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR - 7
Episode 10 - 8 Bodies
The Man - 8
Episodes 11, 12 - 59 Bodies
Justin - 27
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin - 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim - 3
Episode 15 - 12 Bodies
Al - 11

No Time to Vote

Is Jack Bauer a Republican or Democrat? You know what, he's neither.

Do you think Jack Bauer has time to vote?


But, since Jack Bauer died in Season 4 - it would make sense if he's now a registered Democrat.

"JACK BAUER IS A DEMOCRAT?"



I saw it here and did a double take. The outrage! The scandal! The sheer effrontery of the idea!

I apologize to any Democrats who have accidentally wandered into this den of iniquity, but even a real Democrat has got to know that Jack Bauer woud rather be caught kissing President Jellyfish's ass than being identified with that political party of wimps, whiners, wangers, wingnuts, and whatchamacallits.

Jack eats Democrats for breakfast and uses their bones to pick his teeth.

Jack tortured a Democrat once. He stopped because he doesn't like jello (everyone knows Jack is a pudding man).

Jack dated a Democrat for a while. He broke it off when she told him that she thought a Glock was a musical instrument.

I'm sure you folks can do a lot better than this. Give us your best shot in the comments.

Flipping For 24
Finally, the race fans get what they want! NASCAR driver Carl Edwards will be seen in tomorrow's episode of 24. Edwards will play Jim Hill from Homeland Security, and unlike that scumbag Democrat in Republican Clothing John McCain, Edwards is slated to have a speaking part. Whoo hoo!

Of course, since he will be playing a member of Homeland Security, we all will probably hate him by the end of the hour.

Reports that Edwards will perform one of his trademark backflips off Chloe's desk are still unconfirmed.

24 Caption Contest

Inappropriate Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Chloe's Limbaugh Lust



Top 10 Signs Chloe Is Obsessed with Rush Limbaugh

1. In moments of passion with Spencer called out "Dittos! Ditto! Mega-Dittos!"

2. CTU's New Top Terror Priority: Femi-Nazis.

3. Left buttock, Pittsburgh Steeler's tattoo. Right buttock, Ronald Reagan.

4. Orders Jack Bauer to bring in Al Franken to CTU for deep interrogation.

5. Caught in CTU break room practicing sign language for "Spank me, big daddy!"

6. As Cen-Tox gas fumes filled CTU, sent final IM "If I don't make it, tell Rush I love him."

7. On open-line Friday, someone has hacked into the system and only "Potato Face From Los Angeles" can get through.

8. NORAD computers hacked. Chappaqua, NY "accidentally" targeted for nuclear strike.

9. Shows up at CTU wearing his varsity jacket

10. Appears on Dr. Phil's "I Am Obsessed with Rush Limbaugh" episode.

(Rush Limbaugh's interview with Joe Surnow, including the real reason Truffle Shuffle was iced, is at Rush Limbaugh dot com)

Carnival of The Cougar

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Week 5

I spent weeks trying to find an image of the Kim Bauer-Cougar matchup from Season 2. I finally found it and present you with: The Carnival of The Cougar*.

Let's start off this week with some housecleaning. Kim Bauer does not like tardiness. Doug at Below the Beltway submitted his entry late for last week's Carnival of Bauer!!!. So Kim sent her cougar over to Doug's house. His post: Can Jack Bauer Trust Anyone? was his last post, ever. Let that be a lesson to all of you all.

Barry over at Inn of the Last Home will be hosting an upcoming Carnival. In the meantime, he spends his days noting What Love Is and the Top 10 Things That Have Really Gotten Old on 24. Look Barry, Jack Bauer does not like moles either; but with all the illegals flooding into in LA good workers (without terrorist backgrounds) are hard to come by.

Karen of Scottsdale is questioning Chloe's computer skills. (ppssstt Karen, in case you didn't see last season and the first episode of this season - Chloe is good with computers and a good shot. So watch your back!)

To stay on the topic of criticizing all things Jack Bauer, "Life with Al" is going to be a little easier after Jack and his Torture-matic Ax350 are done with him. Al lists some of his 24 Annoyances including an inside look at Jack's Glock. Terrorists have seen Jack's Glock, but none lived to tell about it.

Pantry Girl doesn't criticize Jack Bauer in her post; I'm Getting Too Old for This S#%@. She does have a problem with Fox5NY anchor Ernie Anastos' hair. How about that Fox5NY leads their 10pm Monday newscast with a tease for a lame 24-related story that is held until the end?

Jeff has a recap of the 8-9pm and 9-10pm episodes. Blogs4Bauer may have the Jack Bauer Kill Counter, but Peace Like a River is home to the "Number of Times Jack Says 'Now!' Counter" (17).

King Tom notes that "24 is Back" and asks the timely question: Is setting off a bomb in a natural gas plant a good idea? Boom.

Today's commentary is brought to you by none other than Today's Commentary. They submitted a post that manages to weave Jack Bauer, The NY Times, and Oprah all in one entry. Bravo.

Kim Bauer learned not to provoke a cougar; she should also avoid Provoking a Muse. The site has a nice recap of the last episode with the 'quote of the night' from Jack Bauer: "He's using you. He wanted you to get inside my head. And it worked. Now I'm...upset". I guess gassing 56 co-workers was not enough to get Jack upset.

FIAR at Radioactive Liberty must have just started watching 24 this season. He posts Enough With the Melodrama, which critiques all the drama during this season. Trust me, last season was much...much worse.

Lawhawk has a memo from Jack Bauer to Jack Bristow. The agent from the upcoming movie, The Sentinel was not copied on the memo.

LinkX135 takes on Edgar's replacement, calling her a mental case. Give the girl a break, imagine how hard it was to readjust Edgar's chair settings to seat her comfortably. Plus, there were probably chunks of Edgar's puke still on the armrests.

Justin is channeling a dead Jack Bauer. Weird...because Jack's not dead. Tony is.

*No cougars were harmed in the publishing of this post.

That's it for Week 5 of The Carnival of Bauer!!! . Thanks for stopping by, if you're here for the first time, check out the sidebars. In particularly, on the left side you can find "Jack's Favorite Posts," a collection of some of our most popular posts. Enjoy, and come back often!

Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.
Upcoming Hosts
Inn of the Last Home
The Templar Times
Justin's Random Thoughts

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony - Week 3
The Carnival of Life - Week 4
Make sure to get your entries into next week's Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday! Remember,Kim Bauer is still locked up in Wyatt's basement. If you don't send us a 24-related post we will send Kim and her cougar back on the set of 24!

Buy Edgar's Drawers

The Clothes Off Our Back Foundation is an organization that auctions off celebrity clothing with the proceeds going to children's charities.

Go over and check it out, you can purchase a piece of clothing from Edgar Stiles from the Fox hit show 24. His auction ends on Friday, March 31st and only has 2 bids, the highest bid is just $70. Edgar's auction benefits Autism Now, Half the Sky and UNICEF's work in Darfur.

If you want to help out the kids and get something cool in return, go over there and place a bid. Lets have a friend of B4B win this auction!

(Source - )

Carnival of Bauer V

Get your submissions into The Carnival of Bauer!!! today. If you do not send us a post, we will release Kim Bauer from Wyatt's basement and back onto the set of 24.

Counterpoint: Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Loyalty. Webster's Dictionary defines it as . . . well, I can't read so well anymore, so forget about it. Audrey, I know how you feel. My husband's seventeen-year old girlfriend shot me square in the face. Did I cut and run? Hell no! I stayed with Joey for years after that fateful day. Why? Well, my memory isn't what it used to be either, so I can't answer that. What is this, a Spanish Inquisition?

Look Audrey, I know that you and Jack have had some minor bumps in the road, but if you are going to keep this good thing going, you need to put a happy spin on the negative times. For instance:

• Jack didn't torture your brother. His quiet secluded Q&A was merely his attempt to get to know him better.
• Jack didn't kill your husband. He helped him to a better place. I would much rather be in Heaven than Los Angeles. Especially on that day!
• Jack didn't fake his own death to get away from you. He was playing hard to get.
• And that whole accusal, choking, torture thing? That's foreplay, honey!

See how easy it is? Believe me, dear, it gets easier every day. Lord knows how many times I wanted to kill Joey in his sleep, but then what kind of loving wife would I have been? A man like Jack Bauer only comes around once in a lifetime. So you swallow your pride - and your tongue - once in a while. Isn't he worth it?

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today!
by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)

Point - Kick the Jack Habit

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today!
by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)

At what point is it ok to leave someone you love? Well if the person you "love" tortured your brother, killed your husband, and then faked his own death all in one day just to get away from you...then I'd say he's nothing but bad news and needs to be kicked to the curb. Audrey, remember what I said in my book, Relationship Rescue: "Awareness without action is worthless". Kick the Jack Habit and get on with your life!

I see this everyday on my show. These women who refuse to leave the "bad boy" and end up getting hurt emotionally, mentally, or physically; sometimes all three. It appears that Jack Bauer tends to give the "Triple Crown" to you and all the women he comes in contact with. Jack's anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.

I also hear that Jack found another woman after he faked his death. He also accused you of being a mole, choked you, and had you tortured? But that's not all, he almost cut out the eyeball of a man you cared about. In my book, Love Smart : Find the One You Want--Fix the One You Got, I talk about "warning signs", well Ms. Raines, Jack has just given you a "warning infomercial".

Audrey, there are just too many fish in the sea to be stuck with a flounder. Even with your penis-nose, a good guy is just around the corner. Just make sure to first check that corner for Jack Bauer in a Flank 2 position.

Counterpoint: Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco






Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it!
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

RIP Fire Extinguisher

After taking a little R&R, Death returned to 24 this week. And she returned with a vengeance that would make even Chuck Norris blush.

When all the shooting died down; we had 12 new additions to the Jack Bauer Kill Counter. Not included on our list, but no less important was a young, brave fire extinguisher who took a bullet for Jack Bauer. Like many other fire extinguishers that were shot in TV shows and video games before him, Model #FH223M shot out a stream of gas for added effect.

Click Here for the updated kill counter.

IN WHICH I TRANSFORM INTO A SHAMELESS LINK WHORE

Go here to view my humble and inadequate efforts to summarize last night's show. A small sample to make you sick to your stomach:

With Collette's immunity deal signed, sealed, and delivered, making the terrorist covergirl untouchable, Bill argues against shooting up Audrey and gets off the best line of the night: "We can torture our own people but we can't torture a criminal?"

Bill has worked for the government long enough to know that this is precisely the kind of bureaucratic logic that has made our country what it is today.

Speaking of bureaucrats, Miles warns Grandma Hayes of the consequences to her ample posterior if things go south and she is accused of inaction in the case of Audrey. Jack warns her of the consequences of torturing the Secretary of Defense's daughter which, if Audrey is innocent, could also be hazardous to Granny's bureaucratic derriere. Instead of making a decision, Granny punts. She tells Jack he can go ahead and question Audrey but that Agent Burke should standby to administer his medicine.

SPECULATION THREAD

Okay...time to get your groove on people.

Let's examine where we are and try and figure out where we're headed, shall we?

* Is Audrey in the clear? No need to remind readers here of Nina Meyers who was fingered half-way through Season I only to wiggle out of it by falsifying some records. There are still a lot of clues pointing to the Department of Defense as a hotbed of traitorous activity.

* Is the Department of Homeland Security part of the plot? Miles as a mole is too obvious but that doesn't clear DHS completely.

* Did anyone else wonder why Bierko needed "schematics and access codes" for a target where he needed an employee of the gas company to help him release the gas? After offing the guard, the terrorists used a key to open the door so they didn't need access codes for that. And schematics? Bierko had to ask the gas company employee to take him to the control room. In short, where is the next attack going to be?

* WTF is Sherry's problem?

* Finally, will Diane and her son reappear at some extremely inappropriate time in the near future just in time to get kidnapped or placed in mortal danger so that Jack has to leave Audrey in order to save them?

Just wondering...